...when I come home from work and open the garage door to the sounds and coos of my baby girl upstairs.
...when I walk up those stairs and see my oldest anxiously greet me with a hug and plenty of excitement.
...when my wife makes sure I don't proceed without giving her a kiss.
...that my wife looks as beautiful as she does.
...that my wife can carry and contribute to a conversation about anything I have on my mind and initiates conversations that intrigue me.
...when I play night softball games under the lights. I fondly remember when I did it for the first time in high school and was struck by the feeling that rushed over me as I trotted out to the outfield. Now, almost twenty years later, I still enjoy that experience.
...that I get to pitch at some of my games. There is something to the control and constant involvement in the game that I enjoy. It is really fun when I am pitching well. I love the satisfaction of contributing to the win.
...when I meet friends to watch any particular team I support. The more the merrier.
...when the leaves begin to change colors and air cools. This time of year is easily my favorite. It means something when it trumps the time of year when I didn't have to work. But once the shock of returning to school wears and I get into the routine, this time of year is great. Even cloudy cool days are nice. Football is in full swing. Playoff baseball is going on. The basketball and hockey seasons are about to commence. There is a feel in the air that I love. Holidays are right around the corner and the traditions that come with them are a joy. Trick or treating with the girls. Lots of turkey and football on Thanksgiving. The Michigan game. Christmas and all that comes with it. Ahh yeah.
...that I have numerous positive relationships with coworkers. As difficult as my job is day in and day out, enjoying the people I work with make it more tolerable.
...that Shaq is a Cavalier. I am eager to watch a season with LeBron and O'Neal playing together nightly.
...that Braylon Edwards is no longer a Brown.
...that I genuinely enjoy the company of my in-laws and even my brother's in-laws.
...that my nephews are very cool. Being "uncle Beau" is nothing but fun and watching them bond with their cousins is awesome to watch.
...that I have so many good friends. I also love that I have such a diverse set of friends. The diversity has added plenty of spice to my life.
...that I do not have any long standing grudges or estrangements with family members or loved ones.
...that I am paying off my debt....slowly but surely.
...that I have all girls this year. I am enjoying it as much of a roller coaster ride that it is.
...that I have so many fond memories of several periods of my life.
...that I got to be a part of 85. And that every time we are together we all acknowledge it and mark it with pictures. It is a tradition and an experience that I cherish to this day and always will.
...that I got to throw the tire.
...that I know what glasshouse party means to a select group of people. And I got to experience it multiple time.
...that at least Ohio State has won a a championship in my lifetime and it was a football one at that.
...that Cleveland was able to get back our football team and its essence unlike every other city out there.
...that I have been able to go to a Rose Bowl. And it was an epic game.
...that I can turn the channel when I see Ann Coulter is on CNN.
...that I can rake at "Beer Money" on STO.
...when All Bets Are Off is on TV and I can enjoy Bruce rant about things I care about just like the old days on the radio before he was in trouble with the law.
...that I got to witness Bernie Kosar play for the Browns.
...that I was around for the birth of the Dawg Pound and sat in it during its glory days.
...that I was able to attend games in the Grand Old Lady on the Lake before it was demolished for the new Cleveland Browns Stadium.
...that the Browns stadium is named just that and not some sponsor like Progressive Field.
...that I was able to enjoy the Indians in the mid-90s.
...that know what it is to be loyal and die hard no matter what, to something.
Showing posts with label Fatherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fatherhood. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Welcome To Browns Nation Mads
I dressed my youngest in her Cleveland Browns onezie today since it is game day. This is a tradition she will become a part of as a member of my bloodline and lineage. While my oldest remains in a "tug-o-war" between me and her Bungle loyalist on her mother's side, my youngest will be pure.
They both will end up Steeler fans when they hit adolescence and feel the need to rebel against me realizing what will hit home the hardest. But that is another blog post for another day.
Today I get to enjoy the fresh indoctrination of the baby into Brownshood. It is not a joy. There is nothing pleasurable about it really. It is a burden and a job that requires much stamina, patience and intestinal fortitude.
Some call it tough love.
But she will not need to prove her loyalty to anybody. No one will question it when they realize she is a life member of the Cleveland Sports Fan club.
My child, there will be much heartache in your future. You will learn to enter every new season with much anticipation and excitement only to have it stolen from you within minutes of its genesis. Maybe it will be three penalties on the kickoff. Maybe it will be an ugly turnover on the first play from scrimmage after said kickoff. Maybe it will be injuries to several critical starters before the season begins. Maybe it will be a loss despite leading the game when the clock struck 0:00.
Sometimes you will experience moments of seemingly pleasurable excitement only to quickly vanish like a chair pulled from underneath you while you hit the ground to the laughter of everyone.
You will always be ridiculed and out casted by fans of other teams for everything and anything. When the trend is to put down fans for being too obnoxious or over-the-top, you and your fellow fans will be top of the list even though our behavior is no different than most other legions.
When the trend is to make fun of fans that follow teams that lose, once again, you, I and our fellow fans will be at the top of the list despite teams like the Bengals, Lions and Rams that are just as bad or worse.
When it becomes trendy to be loud and crazy for your team, you will be no where near the top of the list.
When it becomes trendy to list all of the dynasties that have existed, your Browns' dynasty in the 50s will be conveniently "irrelevant" and outdated while the Packers in the first two Super Bowls soon after will still be legit.
And when the one thing you and I can stake claim to, heartbreak, is the trend.....again, we will be somewhere on the bottom of the list behind the "lovable losers," Chicago Cubs and the Seattles and Arizonas of the world.
You won't be able to win for losing.
Your sister, cousins, uncle and I are used to it.
Come. Join us in our misery.
(or at least mine)
They both will end up Steeler fans when they hit adolescence and feel the need to rebel against me realizing what will hit home the hardest. But that is another blog post for another day.
Today I get to enjoy the fresh indoctrination of the baby into Brownshood. It is not a joy. There is nothing pleasurable about it really. It is a burden and a job that requires much stamina, patience and intestinal fortitude.
Some call it tough love.
But she will not need to prove her loyalty to anybody. No one will question it when they realize she is a life member of the Cleveland Sports Fan club.
My child, there will be much heartache in your future. You will learn to enter every new season with much anticipation and excitement only to have it stolen from you within minutes of its genesis. Maybe it will be three penalties on the kickoff. Maybe it will be an ugly turnover on the first play from scrimmage after said kickoff. Maybe it will be injuries to several critical starters before the season begins. Maybe it will be a loss despite leading the game when the clock struck 0:00.
Sometimes you will experience moments of seemingly pleasurable excitement only to quickly vanish like a chair pulled from underneath you while you hit the ground to the laughter of everyone.
You will always be ridiculed and out casted by fans of other teams for everything and anything. When the trend is to put down fans for being too obnoxious or over-the-top, you and your fellow fans will be top of the list even though our behavior is no different than most other legions.
When the trend is to make fun of fans that follow teams that lose, once again, you, I and our fellow fans will be at the top of the list despite teams like the Bengals, Lions and Rams that are just as bad or worse.
When it becomes trendy to be loud and crazy for your team, you will be no where near the top of the list.
When it becomes trendy to list all of the dynasties that have existed, your Browns' dynasty in the 50s will be conveniently "irrelevant" and outdated while the Packers in the first two Super Bowls soon after will still be legit.
And when the one thing you and I can stake claim to, heartbreak, is the trend.....again, we will be somewhere on the bottom of the list behind the "lovable losers," Chicago Cubs and the Seattles and Arizonas of the world.
You won't be able to win for losing.
Your sister, cousins, uncle and I are used to it.
Come. Join us in our misery.
(or at least mine)
Friday, July 31, 2009
Listening To My Brain Melt In My Head
I had some time on my hands this afternoon and decided to stray from the routine of ESPN's daytime programming. My surfing took me to Maury and his daily paternity testing talk show. The wife and I wondered aloud what Connie Chung must be thinking when he arrives home each night after another day of this as his job. We also questioned where she has been since her days on the national news.
But I wasn't done there. After dropping my oldest off with her maternal grandmother, I returned home to feed the youngest and watch some more captivating programming. This time I was caught in the midst of three straight court shows. I don't recall their names but you know what I am talking about. The newest versions of People's Court ( a personal favorite of my business law teacher in high school, Mr. Ron Rose) and Judge Judy.
The running theme of the day seemed to be men finding out if they were Fathers or not.
Sigh.
Each time the man owned up to his fatherhood and said he would "be there" for the child.
Oh yay!
I gathered that I was supposed to feel a sense of closure with the happy ending that the man would fulfill his duty as the dad and provide for the child. What a great guy. That is very commendable. Good for him. He is a true man.
Putting aside the fact that there are plenty of absentee fathers out there and this IS better than that alternative (assuming these men follow through on what they said in front of the cameras....they will soon find out saying you will be there is not the same as actually being there), I do not walk away from the at show feeling warm and fuzzy inside.
I'm pissed!
What have things come to that just "being there" is something worthy of accolades, cheers and the title of "Good Father?" Have we set the bar for fathers that low?
Fathers owe their children much more than just diapers and clothes and shelter. Just being there is a requisite. It is a must. We should expect it as a baseline. This doesn't make you a good father, it makes you a father period.
Let's relate it to sports. Showing up for the game doesn't make you a good player. It makes you a player. That's it. You may be better than others in the general population because you are there and on the team, but you are not necessarily a good player.
Trust me. I know. I show up to my softball games and I am not a good softball player. I can speak from experience.
To be a good player, you need to go above and beyond being there and take your game to the next level. You need to make minimal mistakes or fix the mistakes that are made. You make plays others cannot and do things others are not capable of doing.
So good fathers are ones that take fatherhood to the next level. We do things other men can't do. We make minimal mistakes and manage the mistakes we do make.
We use this analogy at my school (and I am sure others): our students need to be citizens not tourists. They need to be invested and committed to the classroom.
Likewise, fathers need to be citizens of our children's lives, not visiting tourists. We need to not just "be there" but be "part of there." Beyond buying stuff and showing up for big events, we need to be there for little things and provide a daily role model in the routine stuff as well as the big stuff or the financial stuff.
I don't measure my job as a dad based on the money I provide, the amount of time I spend with them or the amount of material goods I provide for my daughters. I measure it by that and the way I spend the time and the support I lend their mothers and the way I model my values for them. The love, compassion, emotion, discipline and routine we instill are critical elements of fatherhood that separate good fathers from fathers.
I'm not trying to blast all dads out there. I fully realize there are particular scenarios that make many of these elements difficult or impossible for fathers who sincerely mean to fulfill them. That doesn't make them bad fathers.
My point here is that we should set our bar for "Good Father" a bit higher than just showing up. We don't go out of our way to call mothers who just show up "Good Mothers." We take them for granted. We expect them to be there.
We should expect that as basic from our dads too.
But I wasn't done there. After dropping my oldest off with her maternal grandmother, I returned home to feed the youngest and watch some more captivating programming. This time I was caught in the midst of three straight court shows. I don't recall their names but you know what I am talking about. The newest versions of People's Court ( a personal favorite of my business law teacher in high school, Mr. Ron Rose) and Judge Judy.
The running theme of the day seemed to be men finding out if they were Fathers or not.
Sigh.
Each time the man owned up to his fatherhood and said he would "be there" for the child.
Oh yay!
I gathered that I was supposed to feel a sense of closure with the happy ending that the man would fulfill his duty as the dad and provide for the child. What a great guy. That is very commendable. Good for him. He is a true man.
Putting aside the fact that there are plenty of absentee fathers out there and this IS better than that alternative (assuming these men follow through on what they said in front of the cameras....they will soon find out saying you will be there is not the same as actually being there), I do not walk away from the at show feeling warm and fuzzy inside.
I'm pissed!
What have things come to that just "being there" is something worthy of accolades, cheers and the title of "Good Father?" Have we set the bar for fathers that low?
Fathers owe their children much more than just diapers and clothes and shelter. Just being there is a requisite. It is a must. We should expect it as a baseline. This doesn't make you a good father, it makes you a father period.
Let's relate it to sports. Showing up for the game doesn't make you a good player. It makes you a player. That's it. You may be better than others in the general population because you are there and on the team, but you are not necessarily a good player.
Trust me. I know. I show up to my softball games and I am not a good softball player. I can speak from experience.
To be a good player, you need to go above and beyond being there and take your game to the next level. You need to make minimal mistakes or fix the mistakes that are made. You make plays others cannot and do things others are not capable of doing.
So good fathers are ones that take fatherhood to the next level. We do things other men can't do. We make minimal mistakes and manage the mistakes we do make.
We use this analogy at my school (and I am sure others): our students need to be citizens not tourists. They need to be invested and committed to the classroom.
Likewise, fathers need to be citizens of our children's lives, not visiting tourists. We need to not just "be there" but be "part of there." Beyond buying stuff and showing up for big events, we need to be there for little things and provide a daily role model in the routine stuff as well as the big stuff or the financial stuff.
I don't measure my job as a dad based on the money I provide, the amount of time I spend with them or the amount of material goods I provide for my daughters. I measure it by that and the way I spend the time and the support I lend their mothers and the way I model my values for them. The love, compassion, emotion, discipline and routine we instill are critical elements of fatherhood that separate good fathers from fathers.
I'm not trying to blast all dads out there. I fully realize there are particular scenarios that make many of these elements difficult or impossible for fathers who sincerely mean to fulfill them. That doesn't make them bad fathers.
My point here is that we should set our bar for "Good Father" a bit higher than just showing up. We don't go out of our way to call mothers who just show up "Good Mothers." We take them for granted. We expect them to be there.
We should expect that as basic from our dads too.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Mourning Mallory
It feels like my life has come to a point of closure. Recently, my wife and I experienced a difficult period that I have documented often in this blog. We lost a baby late in the pregnancy to triploidy. It is a freak chromosomal disorder that has always been fatal for the fetus.
We both have worked hard to grieve appropriately and deal with the emotional roller coaster that accompanies a loss such as this. Fortunately, this experience doesn't have any lasting physical problems so we have been able to continue our lives as planned.
We now approach the one year anniversary of the event. At this year mark we have a beautiful baby girl. We are celebrating this joyous experience with sleep deprivation and plenty of diaper changes and feedings. These events present their own challenges believe it or not, but each one is graciously welcomed.
So now I reflect on the past year with all that has happened and wonder to myself if I should put the loss to rest. But I don't want to let this go. I fear that moving on would distant myself from the memory of Mallory even though there was never really a physical memory. I recall the weeks following the loss and how determined I was to make sure we didn't sweep it under the rug. My gut was telling me that I needed to make a big deal about the loss.
I still question if that is appropriate. Plenty of couples lose babies. One thing I learned from the experience was that the number of babies that are lost is surprisingly high. A number of women lose numerous babies before they finally have a successful birth. I lost count of the women in our lives that came out of the woodwork and told us their own stories of lost babies.
They remained silent about these losses. If this is the case and many of them don't mourn their losses, does this mean I am blowing this out of proportion? Is my effort to remain so open about my experience a cry for attention? Am I making a big deal over nothing? Am I too sensitive? Is this something I should let go?
I'll be the first to admit I crave attention. Isn't this blog really an example of me crying out, "Look at me! Listen to me! Watch me!" I think everybody enjoys positive attention at some level whether or not they'll admit it openly or even to ourselves.
So is this a function of that craving?
I do know that in my private moments, I have been emotional over the loss. I really did carry the burden for awhile and throughout the successful pregnancy, I would revisit the memory of the loss in a fearful or saddened way. I didn't always publicize those moments. I would share them with my wife, but she was my partner in this experience.
My wife refers to our daughter as our "miracle baby" because of the loss. She feels it is time to put the loss behind us and has said it is OK to let go of the mourning.
I, on the other hand, still feel that ending the mourning would be one more step to forgetting Mallory. It is all I have of her. My brother and his wife are so generous and caring. They gave my wife and me two gifts. One for the new baby and one to remember Mallory. It meant the world to me. I felt like it gives me a tangible memory of Mallory and I could begin to let go without erasing her. But here I am still wanting to hold on to the sadness. I'm still afraid that letting go would erase Mallory.
Another thought I had was to tattoo her name somewhere hidden on myself. I would then have a tangible way to keep her with me forever. But this would make a hypocrite out of me since I have major issues with the trendy tattoo thing that has risen over the last decade or so. Also, if I did this, I feel I would need to add my two living children and then I would be approaching NBA player level. Wait. No, until I have body ink crawling up my neck and down my arms, I'll be OK.
Maybe my newborn is my closure. She may represent what Mallory would be. Maybe she represents what Mallory is. But I do not want to put that on her. I don't want my youngest daughter to live her life carrying the memory of someone else. I want her to be her own unique person to me. I recall a good friend of mine whose twin was lost at birth. We have discussed this subject manner in the past and his opinion would be worth hearing. I am curious if he feels like he was carrying the memory of his brother throughout his life and if that was a positive or negative thing.
This is a joyous time in my life. I have had numerous setbacks over the past several years and it feels like I am beginning to climb my way back to the surface. This is a time I should be celebrating all the joy, not dragging out the pain. I just can't leave this behind me.
Life is not about the destination but the journey right?
So cliche!
We both have worked hard to grieve appropriately and deal with the emotional roller coaster that accompanies a loss such as this. Fortunately, this experience doesn't have any lasting physical problems so we have been able to continue our lives as planned.
We now approach the one year anniversary of the event. At this year mark we have a beautiful baby girl. We are celebrating this joyous experience with sleep deprivation and plenty of diaper changes and feedings. These events present their own challenges believe it or not, but each one is graciously welcomed.
So now I reflect on the past year with all that has happened and wonder to myself if I should put the loss to rest. But I don't want to let this go. I fear that moving on would distant myself from the memory of Mallory even though there was never really a physical memory. I recall the weeks following the loss and how determined I was to make sure we didn't sweep it under the rug. My gut was telling me that I needed to make a big deal about the loss.
I still question if that is appropriate. Plenty of couples lose babies. One thing I learned from the experience was that the number of babies that are lost is surprisingly high. A number of women lose numerous babies before they finally have a successful birth. I lost count of the women in our lives that came out of the woodwork and told us their own stories of lost babies.
They remained silent about these losses. If this is the case and many of them don't mourn their losses, does this mean I am blowing this out of proportion? Is my effort to remain so open about my experience a cry for attention? Am I making a big deal over nothing? Am I too sensitive? Is this something I should let go?
I'll be the first to admit I crave attention. Isn't this blog really an example of me crying out, "Look at me! Listen to me! Watch me!" I think everybody enjoys positive attention at some level whether or not they'll admit it openly or even to ourselves.
So is this a function of that craving?
I do know that in my private moments, I have been emotional over the loss. I really did carry the burden for awhile and throughout the successful pregnancy, I would revisit the memory of the loss in a fearful or saddened way. I didn't always publicize those moments. I would share them with my wife, but she was my partner in this experience.
My wife refers to our daughter as our "miracle baby" because of the loss. She feels it is time to put the loss behind us and has said it is OK to let go of the mourning.
I, on the other hand, still feel that ending the mourning would be one more step to forgetting Mallory. It is all I have of her. My brother and his wife are so generous and caring. They gave my wife and me two gifts. One for the new baby and one to remember Mallory. It meant the world to me. I felt like it gives me a tangible memory of Mallory and I could begin to let go without erasing her. But here I am still wanting to hold on to the sadness. I'm still afraid that letting go would erase Mallory.
Another thought I had was to tattoo her name somewhere hidden on myself. I would then have a tangible way to keep her with me forever. But this would make a hypocrite out of me since I have major issues with the trendy tattoo thing that has risen over the last decade or so. Also, if I did this, I feel I would need to add my two living children and then I would be approaching NBA player level. Wait. No, until I have body ink crawling up my neck and down my arms, I'll be OK.
Maybe my newborn is my closure. She may represent what Mallory would be. Maybe she represents what Mallory is. But I do not want to put that on her. I don't want my youngest daughter to live her life carrying the memory of someone else. I want her to be her own unique person to me. I recall a good friend of mine whose twin was lost at birth. We have discussed this subject manner in the past and his opinion would be worth hearing. I am curious if he feels like he was carrying the memory of his brother throughout his life and if that was a positive or negative thing.
This is a joyous time in my life. I have had numerous setbacks over the past several years and it feels like I am beginning to climb my way back to the surface. This is a time I should be celebrating all the joy, not dragging out the pain. I just can't leave this behind me.
Life is not about the destination but the journey right?
So cliche!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Things Are Going Well When....
...I get a text message from my daughter's mom that she is having a blast with a whole bunch of kids that are over her house playing with her. I have made it public knowledge that I am concerned about my daughter's interactions with her peers because of her impairments. Hearing things like this is wonderful and warms my heart.
....When my daughter returns the next day, I fear she will not want to stay with me because of all the fun she had with her mom. I would understand. She has so many friends and kids her age there to interact with. Instead, the first words out of her mouth are "Daddy, I miss you Daddy."
Ah yes. Daddy's still got it.
For now.
....When my daughter returns the next day, I fear she will not want to stay with me because of all the fun she had with her mom. I would understand. She has so many friends and kids her age there to interact with. Instead, the first words out of her mouth are "Daddy, I miss you Daddy."
Ah yes. Daddy's still got it.
For now.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
How I Met Your Mommy
Baby we are still over three months from my first opportunity to meet you. But I have been thinking a lot about you. Last night I thought I would write about how your mother and I met. Really, this meeting was the beginning of a long series of events that have led to your existence.
Even though we both grew up in northeast Ohio and watched the same local celebrities, followed the same local sports teams, rode on the same local highways and roads and dealt with the same weather when we were kids, your mom and I didn't meet until we were both students at Ohio State in Columbus. Ohio State runs in your blood, baby. Your uncle Doug, Grandpa Hoyt, Great Grandpa Matthews are all Buckeyes.
My roommate and a coworker needed players for an intra-mural softball team and as you will find out growing up, your daddy doesn't say no to playing softball. Your mommy lived on the same floor as my roommate's coworker and also chose to play. On a cloudy late March day with snow falling, your mom and I played catch to warm up before the game started.
In an effort to break the ice with your beautiful mother, I opened the conversation with the natural question of "Where are you from?" Once she responded, "Brecksville" I had my in. From there we discussed the disparity in radio quality between Cleveland and Columbus. Some may debate that quality radio is an oxymoron but that will have to wait for another post.
Baby, the chemistry that existed in that very new conversation was for real. Over the next months your mom and I played softball together on a weekly basis. The coming summer meant she would head home while I stayed in Columbus. Instead of losing touch with one another, a funny thing happened that summer. We continued to talk on the phone weekly. We shared what was going on in our lives and we even met up to hang out in Cleveland.
In the coming years baby, your mom and I took two very different paths. Even though lifestyles and locations seemed to differ greatly, sometimes a whole country apart, we never lost touch. There was a reason for this.
Baby, Mommy and I both hit moments in our lives where we needed some support. Not coincidentally your mother and I found each other. Our friendship quickly turned into a commitment that will span the rest of our lives. It has created a bond that has become stronger every passing day and every passing event both good and bad. It also created an opportunity for us to share you.
I look forward to meeting you face to face, baby. This day has been a long time coming.
Even though we both grew up in northeast Ohio and watched the same local celebrities, followed the same local sports teams, rode on the same local highways and roads and dealt with the same weather when we were kids, your mom and I didn't meet until we were both students at Ohio State in Columbus. Ohio State runs in your blood, baby. Your uncle Doug, Grandpa Hoyt, Great Grandpa Matthews are all Buckeyes.
My roommate and a coworker needed players for an intra-mural softball team and as you will find out growing up, your daddy doesn't say no to playing softball. Your mommy lived on the same floor as my roommate's coworker and also chose to play. On a cloudy late March day with snow falling, your mom and I played catch to warm up before the game started.
In an effort to break the ice with your beautiful mother, I opened the conversation with the natural question of "Where are you from?" Once she responded, "Brecksville" I had my in. From there we discussed the disparity in radio quality between Cleveland and Columbus. Some may debate that quality radio is an oxymoron but that will have to wait for another post.
Baby, the chemistry that existed in that very new conversation was for real. Over the next months your mom and I played softball together on a weekly basis. The coming summer meant she would head home while I stayed in Columbus. Instead of losing touch with one another, a funny thing happened that summer. We continued to talk on the phone weekly. We shared what was going on in our lives and we even met up to hang out in Cleveland.
In the coming years baby, your mom and I took two very different paths. Even though lifestyles and locations seemed to differ greatly, sometimes a whole country apart, we never lost touch. There was a reason for this.
Baby, Mommy and I both hit moments in our lives where we needed some support. Not coincidentally your mother and I found each other. Our friendship quickly turned into a commitment that will span the rest of our lives. It has created a bond that has become stronger every passing day and every passing event both good and bad. It also created an opportunity for us to share you.
I look forward to meeting you face to face, baby. This day has been a long time coming.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Facing My Mortality
Before my daughter was born I was like most 20 somethings. I lived an active social life and enjoyed many things I don't and can't anymore. At the time I rarely obsessed over death like I do now. While I feared death, I didn't want to die, I didn't look over my shoulder every three minutes for it.
Over the past 7 years, I have grown up a good bit. I have calmed down as well. I understand this is a natural part of my maturity. But is this overcharged realization of my mortality that I have been dealing with also an effect? It would make sense. Maybe this can be chalked up to a midlife crisis so to speak. Of course, it would be a bit early for that but nothing is exact.
I think I had those same feelings of invincibility most people do in their 20s. I think many of us come to terms with things as we enter our 30s. For me, having my daughter around fast forwarded me to those thoughts of, "I could die." I don't mean the idea that we die some day. Obviously we are aware of that as children. I mean the realization that you won't be here forever and the thoughts about what you are going to do about it.
Having a little one makes me worry even more than I normally do---which is a lot. I constantly worry about her safety and happiness, but I also worry about being here for her.
There are things I need to do to look out for her. I need to make sure things are taken care of for her. I have progressed to a point where I think about what I do in terms of her well being. I would like to clean up some of my actions though. At times I make mistakes. Also, I need to get my legal and financial items in shape so she isn't left in a bad way.
I'll be honest. I am scared to death of death. Having a child....eh um, children, scares me even more.
Over the past 7 years, I have grown up a good bit. I have calmed down as well. I understand this is a natural part of my maturity. But is this overcharged realization of my mortality that I have been dealing with also an effect? It would make sense. Maybe this can be chalked up to a midlife crisis so to speak. Of course, it would be a bit early for that but nothing is exact.
I think I had those same feelings of invincibility most people do in their 20s. I think many of us come to terms with things as we enter our 30s. For me, having my daughter around fast forwarded me to those thoughts of, "I could die." I don't mean the idea that we die some day. Obviously we are aware of that as children. I mean the realization that you won't be here forever and the thoughts about what you are going to do about it.
Having a little one makes me worry even more than I normally do---which is a lot. I constantly worry about her safety and happiness, but I also worry about being here for her.
There are things I need to do to look out for her. I need to make sure things are taken care of for her. I have progressed to a point where I think about what I do in terms of her well being. I would like to clean up some of my actions though. At times I make mistakes. Also, I need to get my legal and financial items in shape so she isn't left in a bad way.
I'll be honest. I am scared to death of death. Having a child....eh um, children, scares me even more.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
What My Daughter's Birthday Will Always Mean To Me
Seven years ago my daughter officially entered my life. It was 9:45 I believe. The instant foreshadowing went unnoticed at the time. The realization that my life was not going to be the same was completely noticed though. I spent 40 weeks and several days planning and preparing myself for this moment and life change. I have numerous regrets but I'd like to think I have fixed those mistakes or compensated for them in some way since her birth.
This post isn't about reliving my regrets and mistakes. It is about how much my daughter means to me and how much her life has changed mine as any child's changes their father. To be fair not all fathers change when their children are born. Some bolt and stubbornly refuse to change. That is an old post and probably a future one to come. Teachers like me get to pick up the pieces much of the time. But I digress.
The first moments of my daughter's life were marked with panic and worry and fear. When she was born she was "stunned." She needed to be revived. It is highly possible that this event led to many of the health and developmental problems we have encountered throughout her early life. I was "stunned" myself. Shock would be a better description. I don't remember being able to fully realize what was happening. This was the foreshadow of what was yet to come. Those scary moments of disbelief, confusion and helplessness would define 2003 and 2006.
Once the dust settled, I was able to hold her for the first time all by myself in the rocking chair, I still vividly recall the inability to take my eyes off her. It felt like the initial burst of excitement and joy when you receive the greatest gift you had ever been given after wanting it for so long. Every gift I ever received before would eventually lose its "newness" and fondness, but my daughter hasn't. To this day I still feel that giddy excitement and warmth when she is with me. I think parents can relate to what I am saying. This is something that is difficult to convey in a blog or with words.
Once you have a child your birthday becomes insignificant. My daughter's birthday shares hers with her grandfather on her mother's side. I recall how he brushed aside his birthday to keep the spotlight on her. Coming from my perspective, I have little excitement for my birthday. No urge to party. No need for gifts. The attention is nice but I don't feel any need to look for it. But when my kid's birthday draws near I find myself acting and anticipating it like I did my own growing up. This day is extremely important to me. I want her to enjoy the day and soak in the special attention every kid deserves. But I have personal stock in it as well. This day represents someone very special to me. It is a nice annual reminder of how much I care about her.
It refocuses my attention on how much I love hearing her say "daddy, wook." Or "watch me." I am reminded of all the things I don't do now because I have to be on the clock 24/7 for her. It reminds me of how glad I am to be on the clock. I can't imagine my life without her anymore.
I am blessed and lucky that she has entered my life. And while I am thankful for that everyday, I am extra thankful on her birthday.
Many friends and family have had children of their own recently. Some read this blog. I would love to hear how you guys feel about your kids' birthdays and how much you appreciate having them in your lives or what it is about them that you love so much. I know we could go on for a long time listing our favorite aspects of our kids, so maybe the BIG stuff.
This post isn't about reliving my regrets and mistakes. It is about how much my daughter means to me and how much her life has changed mine as any child's changes their father. To be fair not all fathers change when their children are born. Some bolt and stubbornly refuse to change. That is an old post and probably a future one to come. Teachers like me get to pick up the pieces much of the time. But I digress.
The first moments of my daughter's life were marked with panic and worry and fear. When she was born she was "stunned." She needed to be revived. It is highly possible that this event led to many of the health and developmental problems we have encountered throughout her early life. I was "stunned" myself. Shock would be a better description. I don't remember being able to fully realize what was happening. This was the foreshadow of what was yet to come. Those scary moments of disbelief, confusion and helplessness would define 2003 and 2006.
Once the dust settled, I was able to hold her for the first time all by myself in the rocking chair, I still vividly recall the inability to take my eyes off her. It felt like the initial burst of excitement and joy when you receive the greatest gift you had ever been given after wanting it for so long. Every gift I ever received before would eventually lose its "newness" and fondness, but my daughter hasn't. To this day I still feel that giddy excitement and warmth when she is with me. I think parents can relate to what I am saying. This is something that is difficult to convey in a blog or with words.
Once you have a child your birthday becomes insignificant. My daughter's birthday shares hers with her grandfather on her mother's side. I recall how he brushed aside his birthday to keep the spotlight on her. Coming from my perspective, I have little excitement for my birthday. No urge to party. No need for gifts. The attention is nice but I don't feel any need to look for it. But when my kid's birthday draws near I find myself acting and anticipating it like I did my own growing up. This day is extremely important to me. I want her to enjoy the day and soak in the special attention every kid deserves. But I have personal stock in it as well. This day represents someone very special to me. It is a nice annual reminder of how much I care about her.
It refocuses my attention on how much I love hearing her say "daddy, wook." Or "watch me." I am reminded of all the things I don't do now because I have to be on the clock 24/7 for her. It reminds me of how glad I am to be on the clock. I can't imagine my life without her anymore.
I am blessed and lucky that she has entered my life. And while I am thankful for that everyday, I am extra thankful on her birthday.
Many friends and family have had children of their own recently. Some read this blog. I would love to hear how you guys feel about your kids' birthdays and how much you appreciate having them in your lives or what it is about them that you love so much. I know we could go on for a long time listing our favorite aspects of our kids, so maybe the BIG stuff.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Birthday Post Hal Lebovitz Style
Hal Lebovitz was a sports writer for the News Herald, the local newspaper in the county where I grew up. By the time I began reading him religiously he had been around for decades and wrote for other papers (Cleveland News and Cleveland Plain Dealer) prior to my hometown Herald. But each weekend he had a column where he touched on a number of different topics regarding the Cleveland teams or other worthwhile, interesting tidbits about the sports world at that time. This was a part of my Sundays that I cherished. We would get home from church and I made a mad dash to the Sunday News Herald to see what Hal had to say. My earlier intentions to be a sportswriter for a career stemmed from this experience.
So today I am using his Sunday format to cover a number of topics I have wanted to touch in this blog but haven't had the time to address. I have some serious catching up to do. My birthday present to myself is this post with the Georgia v. Georgia Tech game on to my right and my ipod blasting a variety of favorite tunes to my left.
Here we go....I hope you enjoy and comment on one or more:
My Dark Period
I have been pretty open about my recent downturn in mood and feeling. Mostly it has been despair, sadness and worry. But underneath these emotions there is a lot of anger brewing. I can feel it come out over little things. I explode over things I should brush off. I get easily frustrated and aggravated. I have been examining the reasons why. I am trying to connect the dots and get to the core issue I must be dealing with so I can fix it.
I keep coming back to one point. This point is that I do not stick up for myself. My wife even recognizes it and has mentioned it. She says that by not defending myself I am accepting things as true. I'll be the first to admit I have a problem with confrontation. I hate it. As a result I have taken a lot of emotional punishment without doing anything about it and then internalized it way too much. Then I feel worse about being too much of a coward to stand up and confront my confrontation fear. I think much of my anger may be coming from this.
In the past I have tried to stick up for myself when I felt like I was being pushed around but then I look like a fool because people say I can't take a joke. They say I'm taking things too seriously or I am too emotional or I am overreacting. So the cycle continues and I try to take things as a joke. But then I hear plenty of negative comments and feel horrible about myself.
I want to start calling people out when they say stupid things about me to me. But I don't want to turn into an angry person either. I have tried to practice this idea of "breaking the chain" and not letting someone else's anger towards me create a negative response from me. I wanted to stop passing forward the bad in the world. I wanted to absorb the bad and "be the better person" in an attempt to make the world better. Yes, I realize this is very righteous or pious or whatever but I tried anyway.
Now I see the damage it is doing to me as an individual and I think it is time to unleash the beast. I could go on listing the issues I have with people's wrongful treatment but I have too much more to write. Just get ready. I am working my way to a point where I am going to seem very mean.
Ohio state Football
Believe it or not there are people in Columbus who are blaming Jim Tressel for a disappointing 10-2 season. They blame the coaching for losing to USC and Penn State. I admit the Big Ten is down which means the Buckeyes really didn't have any signature wins this year but c'mon! 10-2 is 10-2. More importantly it is 10-2 after back to back appearances in the BCS Title game. Has anybody seen the mighty LSU's record this year? Granted they are in tougher conference but they didn't beat anybody of any significance. You can't blame it all on LSU's QB drama earlier in the year because their defense stunk it up all year. It is not easy to maintain the kind of success Ohio State has had over the Tressel era. In his 8 years he has won a national title, played for two others, made BCS bowl games 5(maybe 6 if Oregon st loses a game) times, been in a bowl game every year, beaten our rival 7 times, and won or shared the Big Ten title at least 4 times (off the top of my head). Weak conference or not teams are bound for a let down in that time. OSU really has never had a major let down and when there has been one, it lasts one season. During this same period I can only think of USC and Texas (maybe Florida) as teams that have had the same consistent success. Get off Tressel people. We are lucky to have him.
Raising My Kid
I watched the OSU v. Michigan game at the house of a friend of mine. She used to work with me so another colleague from work was there as well. The game was a blowout allowing our conversation to meander away from sports and it found its way to the Bible. My colleague mentioned Proverbs as a good "book" to use with my daughter. This came about because I mentioned how there are a number of values from the Bible that I plan to instill in my child despite my personal issue with it. To clarify this statement I should say that it really isn't the Bible itself that I have a problem with but the people who constantly use it to support their erroneous, hateful and immoral views. The interpretation is the problem more than the book. I would also cite the narrow point of view many people have who use the Bible as the end all, be all reference to morality and goodness.
With all of this said, I am not a Bible hater. I feel there is so much that can be taken from that book like loving thy neighbor as thyself, the ten commandments, turning the other cheek, the idea that power and greed are the root of evil, giving to the poor and needy in spirit as well as more worldly needs, the importance to fight temptation and reality of it, making sacrifices and prayer. These and many more principles are concepts I find very valuable. While my daughter gets fed many things from the Bible on her mother's side, I am not going to fight it. Instead I want to make sure I direct it. She will NOT grow up thinking slavery is justified or homosexuality is immoral even though the Bible "says so." She WILL be allowed to speak up in church or to her husband. She doesn't need to grow up thinking she has to be submissive to her partner because the Bible "said so." I could go on.
My goal is to teach her these positive values of the Bible and to help as best I can to get her to understand the Bible was written in a variety of contexts and these contexts affected what was written. It is much like politics in that the different books were written to particular audiences with particular goals in mind. These things need to be considered when reading the Bible. I also want her to feel free to explore other religions and their teachings. Many times these other ways of thinking can provide a clearer point of view for someone. There are also numerous parallels. I continue to explore Buddhism and find similarities. Meditation and prayer are both important components of Christianity and Buddhism as well as sacrifice. I want my kid to feel free to discover this for herself. If I have any say in the matter, she will not be pigeon holed in one discipline.
Being a Moderate
My wife and I had a fantastic conversation on the ride up to our families for the holiday celebrating thanks (and genocide through small pox and violence). She is a die hard liberal and is very proud of it. She wants her values and beliefs to fall on the left side of the ledger every time. She believes that is the correct way of thinking.
Most of the time I fall on her side of things. But not always. This is where the conversation got interesting. As we discussed different issues, she proved her dedication and loyalty to liberalism. I, on the other hand, demonstrated that I have no urge whatsoever to be placed in one particular category. I don't like being labeled liberal or conservative (contrary to a friend's belief that I support liberal issues only because it is "cool" and I want to be liberal because my college professors influenced me and my peers to be). I don't want to be put in a box like that. When I determine my stance on different topics, issues or whatever I like to examine them on their own merit and particular circumstances. I then try to base my stance on my own value system. Whether it is conservative or liberal doesn't matter to me. While I do admit I fall on the liberal side more often than not, I wouldn't call myself that at all. That is fine.
What is most interesting about this is that I try to take things on a case by case basis so I can make sure I am consistent in terms of my personal values as opposed to my political stance, but sometimes it creates contradictions. So in an effort to avoid contradictions I am actually creating contradictions within my views or opinions.
John Brown
I continue to read "Lies My Teacher Told Me: What American History Textbooks Got Wrong" by James Loewen. I recently finished a section about John Brown and his treatment or lack thereof in our textbooks. I find this man and his story fascinating. In high school textbooks he is described as this crazed, militant abolitionist. Loewen even shows two pictures of him (pg 177) with one normal portrait next to a wild, long haired, long bearded man with a crazed look in his eye. According to Loewen, he was a well spoken, well read, intelligent man who proved so in his words during his trial for treason as well as his letters to his family and in his diary. He was well aware of the contradiction our country was demonstrating through slavery. He also knew of the inner struggle we were dealing with in regards to it. He wrote just before his execution that the only way these "crimes" of slavery would be "purged" from our country would be "with blood." (pg 175) As we know, it took the bloody Civil War to finally put an end to slavery.
In 1854 the Kansas-Nebraska Act tried to deal with slavery by leaving the decision to those who settled there. Farmers from the North rushed in to establish it a "free soil" state while most Southern slave owners didn't make the move. But a number of slave owners from Missouri would cross the border to intimidate and terrorize the settlers in an effort to sway things towards slavery. (Loewen p. 173-174) Brown, an abolitionist with family in Kansas, countered by attacking and killing a number of these "terrorists." Later, Brown led a slave revolt in Harper's Ferry, Virginia where he would be caught by Robert E. Lee, eventually tried and hanged for treason.
What is interesting here is that history textbooks up to as late as the 1970s and some even later, painted Brown as the bad guy. They would even go as far as stating the slaves didn't want to revolt despite the evidence that Loewen presents to the contrary. This is a southern justification for slavery that I have noticed in other parts of the book. There seemed to be a consistent attempt to convince us that slaves actually did not mind being enslaved. While I don't specifically remember being taught this, the textbooks being used across the country during my years in school were openly presenting this idea of acceptance of slavery by the slaves themselves.
What the textbooks miss out on is bringing American History alive by presenting John Brown in a way that can demonstrate the very real inner struggle our country has been dealing with for centuries regarding slavery and racism. There were so many economic issues and states rights issues that played roles in the Civil War too but they were tied into the prevailing racism that took place and still takes place today. High school students could have some unbelievably interesting and enlightening discussions about race and slavery if we would look at people like John Brown and his ideas, beliefs and questionable actions to promote and support those thoughts. Abraham Lincoln was a great president who really did want to eradicate slavery from our country and knew it was a BIG cause of and factor in the Civil War, but he too struggled with his personal racism. On one hand he referred to African Americans as "niggers" but on the other he felt guilty and sick about seeing slaves shackled on a train he rode. Nobody wants to see the racial slurs Lincoln used or hear about Washington and Jefferson owning slaves, cheating on their wives or in Jefferson's case being an atheist. But I think we can present these "heroes" to our high school students in a way that demonstrates their flaws and shows how they accomplished a good bit despite their shortcomings and how these contradictions created interesting situations and discussion points. It doesn't need to be this pure, constant line of progress because it wasn't. Our history has had its ups and downs, progress and set backs, successes and failures and they all have affected how things are today.
LeBron James in 2010
Charles Barkley was on a radio show and called out James in regards to his open dialogue about possibly playing in New York in 2010. He said LeBron should not be so open about it. He plays for the Cavs and will for two more seasons and needs to quit talking about the Knicks or Nets. James responded by calling Barkley "stupid."
I am finding myself more and more anti-LeBron. It is hard to do. He is so, very good, plays for my team and seems like a good guy. But I will not be held hostage by him and I am getting tired of this game. No player should be bigger than the team. Even LeBron. I have been worried about this happeneing. This is one of the things I hated about Jordan.
He became bigger than the Bulls. In fact the NBA as a whole fell out of graces with me as a result. Then the new generation of stars came about. Among them, James who seemed like a team first guy on the court. Combine that with being on my team and I was fine with James and his Jordanesque persona.Now I am getting tired of it. At first, I wanted to write about how the national media needs to shut up about NYC and LeBron and buy a clue that Cleveland is also putting themselves in position to sign LeBron in 2010. They will be in the BEST position to re-sign him to be honest. But we don't hear that on ESPN. Also, we will have enough to get ANOTHER stud that is available that year. ESPN, FOX and other national media outlets won't tell you that.
Instead, I almost want James gone. I don't want to contribute to the "player bigger than the team" concept. Correct or incorrect, true or false....that is what's stupid Mr. James.
(This Georgia v. Ga Tech rivalry game has been pretty fun to watch....especially the second half.)
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Importance of Fathers
With each new school year I look ahead to what themes and personal goals I have for a new crop of students. Obviously, I become curious about how the group will mesh and how well they will buy into my methodology and style of teaching. Each group takes on a personality of its own. There are the usual individuals that fall into the usual stereotypes and there are always the wildcards. The key to any class as a whole is whether I can get the wildcards to buy what I'm selling. They usually represent the critical mass that determines whether the group is a "good" crew or "difficult" crew. I quote those terms because sometimes good doesn't necessarily translate to fun or enjoyable and many times difficult classes can be the most fun or rewarding. Teaching is never a black and white thing.
Regardless of any of these factors, questions and observations, one thing continues to hold steadfast. The stress I endure, the quality of life I live for the period of each individual school year can be correlated to the presence of Fathers in the lives of my students. I have become a firm believer in the importance of Dads.
I am not the only one in this school of thought. According to Fatherhood Institute, "A recent systematic review of studies....found ‘positive’ father involvement associated with a range of desirable outcomes for children and young people." (http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org) This is from an article describing studies that have proven my point. Here they list the findings of a Father's presence.
By no means do I mean to diminish the importance of Mothers. I would like to think it goes without saying that Mothers are the most important factor in a person's life. Women in general are the foundation of our civilization and well being as well as the success of our society as a whole in my mind.
While in some cases Dads are playing more influential roles in their children's lives these days, it's not happening everywhere. In the area where I teach there are often absentee fathers. I won't hold any punches here, there are just flat out, 100% irresponsible boys making babies and hauling out of dodge leaving the woman in a precarious position.
Having spent a decade teaching in an urban setting, I would like to draw upon my personal experience here. I assume there are the same types of Fathers in suburban and rural areas as well. Also, there are other ways Fathers can be absentee to their children. Coming home from work and heading straight to the couch as they crack open their beer and watch the game every night doesn't make you much better. Yes, you may provide for your family, but these days call for more. Picking your kids up on your visitation weekends and taking them to Gameworks, filling their pockets with tokens while you sit at the bar doesn't count either. Sending in a child support check each week isn't enough either.
I can't sit here and judge every Dad out there. I understand some men can only do so much with what they have. There is usually more to a story than what you see on the surface. So let me return to my original objective here and focus on my classroom and my students from my experience.
Last year's crop of fourth graders may have been one of my better classes. My growing bitterness towards teaching wasn't indicative on how I enjoyed 95% of those kids. Overall, this group had more confidence, displayed more positive social skills, had better attitudes and behaved better than other classes in the past. This class also had more Fathers attend parent teacher conferences, call me with questions, show up to pick up their children, follow up on concerns I mentioned, and were referred to by their children or Mothers as a source or option in case I needed one. I highly doubt this is a coincidence.
Not every Father who came in was wearing a suit. Most did not. Not every Father spoke articulately and came in with a college degree. Some of the Fathers worked second shift and could not answer the phone right after school or come in to talk to me easily. But every single one of those Dads made it a point that I heard from them. Each one, in my mind, was making a HUGE, important, positive difference in their child's life. Shoot, they made a big difference in my life making it much easier and less stressful. Seriously, there was plenty of stress to go around with the other students who had no Father around to find.
In past years I have not had this many Fathers present or at least as vocal. Many of those classes were not as "good." The trend I am noticing continues to hold true year in and year out. Present Fathers lead to better lives for their kids (from the point of view of their teacher anyway). I have another post coming soon about the devaluing of teachers, but I think one way to help us and value us as professionals is to vigilantly campaign for Fathers to play major roles in their kids lives and educations. Those of us who are Fathers need to be vigilant in the job we do with our children every minute of every day and our role in their education. According to Fatherhood Institute, "One high quality study demonstrated that a father’s interest in his child’s education is one of the most important factors governing the qualifications he or she will grow up to have in adult life – more important than family background, the child’s individual personality, or poverty." (http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/index.php?id=12&cID=583) There are so many factors that play a role in students' success, but Fathers are at the top of the list.
My principal has a quote posted in the mail room that says the single most important factor in student achievement is the teacher. I can't disagree with this and I know she is coming from a good place, but the more I think about it, the more I think that the Father may be just as critical.
Regardless of any of these factors, questions and observations, one thing continues to hold steadfast. The stress I endure, the quality of life I live for the period of each individual school year can be correlated to the presence of Fathers in the lives of my students. I have become a firm believer in the importance of Dads.
I am not the only one in this school of thought. According to Fatherhood Institute, "A recent systematic review of studies....found ‘positive’ father involvement associated with a range of desirable outcomes for children and young people." (http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org) This is from an article describing studies that have proven my point. Here they list the findings of a Father's presence.
By no means do I mean to diminish the importance of Mothers. I would like to think it goes without saying that Mothers are the most important factor in a person's life. Women in general are the foundation of our civilization and well being as well as the success of our society as a whole in my mind.
While in some cases Dads are playing more influential roles in their children's lives these days, it's not happening everywhere. In the area where I teach there are often absentee fathers. I won't hold any punches here, there are just flat out, 100% irresponsible boys making babies and hauling out of dodge leaving the woman in a precarious position.
Having spent a decade teaching in an urban setting, I would like to draw upon my personal experience here. I assume there are the same types of Fathers in suburban and rural areas as well. Also, there are other ways Fathers can be absentee to their children. Coming home from work and heading straight to the couch as they crack open their beer and watch the game every night doesn't make you much better. Yes, you may provide for your family, but these days call for more. Picking your kids up on your visitation weekends and taking them to Gameworks, filling their pockets with tokens while you sit at the bar doesn't count either. Sending in a child support check each week isn't enough either.
I can't sit here and judge every Dad out there. I understand some men can only do so much with what they have. There is usually more to a story than what you see on the surface. So let me return to my original objective here and focus on my classroom and my students from my experience.
Last year's crop of fourth graders may have been one of my better classes. My growing bitterness towards teaching wasn't indicative on how I enjoyed 95% of those kids. Overall, this group had more confidence, displayed more positive social skills, had better attitudes and behaved better than other classes in the past. This class also had more Fathers attend parent teacher conferences, call me with questions, show up to pick up their children, follow up on concerns I mentioned, and were referred to by their children or Mothers as a source or option in case I needed one. I highly doubt this is a coincidence.
Not every Father who came in was wearing a suit. Most did not. Not every Father spoke articulately and came in with a college degree. Some of the Fathers worked second shift and could not answer the phone right after school or come in to talk to me easily. But every single one of those Dads made it a point that I heard from them. Each one, in my mind, was making a HUGE, important, positive difference in their child's life. Shoot, they made a big difference in my life making it much easier and less stressful. Seriously, there was plenty of stress to go around with the other students who had no Father around to find.
In past years I have not had this many Fathers present or at least as vocal. Many of those classes were not as "good." The trend I am noticing continues to hold true year in and year out. Present Fathers lead to better lives for their kids (from the point of view of their teacher anyway). I have another post coming soon about the devaluing of teachers, but I think one way to help us and value us as professionals is to vigilantly campaign for Fathers to play major roles in their kids lives and educations. Those of us who are Fathers need to be vigilant in the job we do with our children every minute of every day and our role in their education. According to Fatherhood Institute, "One high quality study demonstrated that a father’s interest in his child’s education is one of the most important factors governing the qualifications he or she will grow up to have in adult life – more important than family background, the child’s individual personality, or poverty." (http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/index.php?id=12&cID=583) There are so many factors that play a role in students' success, but Fathers are at the top of the list.
My principal has a quote posted in the mail room that says the single most important factor in student achievement is the teacher. I can't disagree with this and I know she is coming from a good place, but the more I think about it, the more I think that the Father may be just as critical.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
When Is It Enough?
Today I observed a tendency in my daughter's handwriting. As we practiced writing letters at the kitchen table, she would change her hand. I am not a father that prefers her use of one hand over the other. I want her to use the hand that is best. So I have not pushed her to use one over the other to allow her to develop her own preference. But I now wonder if she needs to commit to one. She already deals with a significant cognitive impairment and I want to help her do what is best to compensate for it as much as she will be able to.
So I just sat back and observed her writing. I soon picked up on a pattern. It seemed that she consistently made the same errors with one hand but not the other. For instance, when using her right hand she would draw the letter C backwards. When she used her left hand, she would draw the same letter C correctly. She was consistent with this as she repeated the same mistake with her right and repeatedly wrote it correctly with her left. Also, with other letters that required the same direction as C like the letter G, she made the same errors....EXACTLY.
When it came to a letter with the OPPOSITE motion like a D, B, P or R she would be able to write correctly with the OPPOSITE hand. And consistent with the first letters mentioned, she made the same backwards errors, with the other hand. So with D, B, P and R she would write correctly with her RIGHT hand and backwards with her left hand. The opposite of the opposite letters.
Clear as mud? Or do you get my pattern here?
What does this mean? Anything? Honestly, I feel it means something. It may be something we already know, but it may be a clue. I was quite excited that I discovered this. So excited my head was spinning and I couldn't think straight to reflect on what it meant.
Unfortunately, I was soon brought back down to earth as I realized it probably doesn't mean anything. And I found myself back in the old discussion about when is enough enough with my battle to find "answers" for my daughter's condition. At what point do I just accept her for who she is and quit trying to find out how or why things are the way they are. There is probably no cure. I may never know exactly why it has happened. I am draining the pond dry to find these answers and some point I have to realize it is out of my hands. So these "clues" mean very little other than the fact that she has a neurological condition and her brain is not developed the way it needs to be. This is stuff I already know.
So what should I do? Do I continue my M.O. and seek answers or information about this pattern? If so, where do I look and who do I ask and what do I ask? This is what I want to do. I was told when my precious daughter was only hours old that I was her advocate. I was and am her voice and I need to look out for what is in her best interest until she can do so on her own. I clearly recall standing in the hallway with my dad looking through the window of the nursery at her feeling like I had know her all my life. I remember the feeling of helplessness and how fragile she was. It was very apparent to me how important my role was to this little, beautiful person. At that time I had no idea exactly how I was going advocate for her. I had no idea the "battle" I was in for. I didn't realize how alone I would feel in this "fight" sometimes. But I did know I had to look out for her and I have never let go of that.
This is why I have taken her to see geneticists, developmental disorder experts, MRDD services, neurologists and other specialists. She has taken what seems like every test known to man. I have read articles and asked people questions. I have joined website forums and tapped the special education expertise of my wife. I have brainstormed numerous possible causes and asked doctors. I have changed neurologists so I could understand the language they speak. I have asked friends who are doctors themselves and pharmacists about other possibilities and the drugs we have had to use. And I feel like all of this is not enough.
Am I not accepting my daughter for my daughter? Am I trying to make her something she is not? Am I unable to handle that she is not as normal as her peers and therefore, trying to make up for it in this way?
In my heart I know I love her and do this because I want what is best for her. I know I would not love her more if she was on the same level as her peers. I don't love her any less. I worry she won't be able to live a normal life. I fear she will be called retarded and made fun of. Honestly, it would not be bad if she gets made fun of because every kid needs to deal with that but I don't like the idea of her being sad. That kills me.
So when am I crossing the line of advocating for my girl and trying to make up for some sort of feeling of inadequacy?
So I just sat back and observed her writing. I soon picked up on a pattern. It seemed that she consistently made the same errors with one hand but not the other. For instance, when using her right hand she would draw the letter C backwards. When she used her left hand, she would draw the same letter C correctly. She was consistent with this as she repeated the same mistake with her right and repeatedly wrote it correctly with her left. Also, with other letters that required the same direction as C like the letter G, she made the same errors....EXACTLY.
When it came to a letter with the OPPOSITE motion like a D, B, P or R she would be able to write correctly with the OPPOSITE hand. And consistent with the first letters mentioned, she made the same backwards errors, with the other hand. So with D, B, P and R she would write correctly with her RIGHT hand and backwards with her left hand. The opposite of the opposite letters.
Clear as mud? Or do you get my pattern here?
What does this mean? Anything? Honestly, I feel it means something. It may be something we already know, but it may be a clue. I was quite excited that I discovered this. So excited my head was spinning and I couldn't think straight to reflect on what it meant.
Unfortunately, I was soon brought back down to earth as I realized it probably doesn't mean anything. And I found myself back in the old discussion about when is enough enough with my battle to find "answers" for my daughter's condition. At what point do I just accept her for who she is and quit trying to find out how or why things are the way they are. There is probably no cure. I may never know exactly why it has happened. I am draining the pond dry to find these answers and some point I have to realize it is out of my hands. So these "clues" mean very little other than the fact that she has a neurological condition and her brain is not developed the way it needs to be. This is stuff I already know.
So what should I do? Do I continue my M.O. and seek answers or information about this pattern? If so, where do I look and who do I ask and what do I ask? This is what I want to do. I was told when my precious daughter was only hours old that I was her advocate. I was and am her voice and I need to look out for what is in her best interest until she can do so on her own. I clearly recall standing in the hallway with my dad looking through the window of the nursery at her feeling like I had know her all my life. I remember the feeling of helplessness and how fragile she was. It was very apparent to me how important my role was to this little, beautiful person. At that time I had no idea exactly how I was going advocate for her. I had no idea the "battle" I was in for. I didn't realize how alone I would feel in this "fight" sometimes. But I did know I had to look out for her and I have never let go of that.
This is why I have taken her to see geneticists, developmental disorder experts, MRDD services, neurologists and other specialists. She has taken what seems like every test known to man. I have read articles and asked people questions. I have joined website forums and tapped the special education expertise of my wife. I have brainstormed numerous possible causes and asked doctors. I have changed neurologists so I could understand the language they speak. I have asked friends who are doctors themselves and pharmacists about other possibilities and the drugs we have had to use. And I feel like all of this is not enough.
Am I not accepting my daughter for my daughter? Am I trying to make her something she is not? Am I unable to handle that she is not as normal as her peers and therefore, trying to make up for it in this way?
In my heart I know I love her and do this because I want what is best for her. I know I would not love her more if she was on the same level as her peers. I don't love her any less. I worry she won't be able to live a normal life. I fear she will be called retarded and made fun of. Honestly, it would not be bad if she gets made fun of because every kid needs to deal with that but I don't like the idea of her being sad. That kills me.
So when am I crossing the line of advocating for my girl and trying to make up for some sort of feeling of inadequacy?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Times of Struggle
I have lived a "blessed life," a term I have heard alot lately. I grew up in a safe neighborhood and household and had many things provided for me with opportunities to earn things and avoid too much of an self-entitled feeling.
But everyone has their cross or crosses to bear and adulthood has now presented me with several. It has been a real test of my intestinal fortitude, mental strength and belief in what is good with this world. I am writing this blog today in an effort to maintain any strength I have. I am really being challenged as my family enters a time where we will have to make some extremely difficult decisions and deal with some major pain and guilt. I choose to blog to help me express my feelings, but I choose to keep the details private and asked loved ones to respect in that in any comments.
What I want to write about though is how times like this really do make you stronger. And they really do have important meaning. This experience along with prior experiences with my daughter have taught me this.
Five years ago to the month I dealt with some scary news. For the first time in my life I had to face adversity head on as a primary decision maker and handle it appropriately. It was not a one day, one event experience. It was something I would have to live with, deal with and handle in a way that was best for my daughter. Since then there have been recurring experiences like this and although they have been worse when you sit down and analyze it, it was much easier for me to handle after the first time through. I have changed almost every aspect of my life as a result of these experiences and would like to think it has mostly been for the better. I haven't run away. I haven't drowned my sorrows in drugs or alcohol or gambling or women or anything like that. But don't think it didn't cross my mind.
Proof that you do get stronger.
Now I am dealing with another horrific situation in my life. Once again I need to transcend this pain and sorrow and help make decisions that will affect the rest of my family's lives. And I am going to have to handle things in the best way. I can't stop crying. I can't stop hurting inside. I am trying really hard not to put blame anywhere, especially myself because that is where it tends to go in my head. But I am struggling.
This time though, I feel like I can do this. I really am drawing on my past experiences and people around me and outlets like this blog to express myself. As usual, I have a supporting cast that anyone would pay millions for. They have proven their love and support in all of their own, unique ways time and time again in the past, so naturally they continue to do so.
So I end this post as I began...."I am living a blessed life." Now if I can just get myself to believe it in this particular instance of tears.
And please let me know when I get dealt a winning hand....PLEASE!
But everyone has their cross or crosses to bear and adulthood has now presented me with several. It has been a real test of my intestinal fortitude, mental strength and belief in what is good with this world. I am writing this blog today in an effort to maintain any strength I have. I am really being challenged as my family enters a time where we will have to make some extremely difficult decisions and deal with some major pain and guilt. I choose to blog to help me express my feelings, but I choose to keep the details private and asked loved ones to respect in that in any comments.
What I want to write about though is how times like this really do make you stronger. And they really do have important meaning. This experience along with prior experiences with my daughter have taught me this.
Five years ago to the month I dealt with some scary news. For the first time in my life I had to face adversity head on as a primary decision maker and handle it appropriately. It was not a one day, one event experience. It was something I would have to live with, deal with and handle in a way that was best for my daughter. Since then there have been recurring experiences like this and although they have been worse when you sit down and analyze it, it was much easier for me to handle after the first time through. I have changed almost every aspect of my life as a result of these experiences and would like to think it has mostly been for the better. I haven't run away. I haven't drowned my sorrows in drugs or alcohol or gambling or women or anything like that. But don't think it didn't cross my mind.
Proof that you do get stronger.
Now I am dealing with another horrific situation in my life. Once again I need to transcend this pain and sorrow and help make decisions that will affect the rest of my family's lives. And I am going to have to handle things in the best way. I can't stop crying. I can't stop hurting inside. I am trying really hard not to put blame anywhere, especially myself because that is where it tends to go in my head. But I am struggling.
This time though, I feel like I can do this. I really am drawing on my past experiences and people around me and outlets like this blog to express myself. As usual, I have a supporting cast that anyone would pay millions for. They have proven their love and support in all of their own, unique ways time and time again in the past, so naturally they continue to do so.
So I end this post as I began...."I am living a blessed life." Now if I can just get myself to believe it in this particular instance of tears.
And please let me know when I get dealt a winning hand....PLEASE!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Father's Day
I have blogged about being a Father, which I take very seriously as you have noticed. I am very proud of being a Father. Today, in honor of Father's Day, I would like to pay tribute to my Father who has been my model for Fatherhood and how I try raise my daughter and child to be.
My Dad has taught me as much as any Father. He has shown me how to be a man, husband, son, neighbor, friend, trusted set of ears, shoulder to cry on, financial advisor, emotional supporter, teacher, coach and good person.
I want to share with you how much respect and love I have for my Dad through several stories from my life that highlight his best qualities.
Money
Growing up he would give us an allowance every Friday regardless of whether we did our chores or not. I remember thinking that we were getting away with highway robbery but later found out that his goal was not so much to get us to do chores, (I think he was pretty lax in that department but also figured we should do that regardless of allowance) but to teach us to handle money appropriately. By giving us a "ration" each week and then holding us to it when we wanted to buy that candy bar staring at us waiting in line at the store, we were forced with the decision of how important that treat was to us. Through those experiences we learned the scarcity of money. It also probably got us off his back when we were at the store by getting us to quit begging him for stuff which can be awfully annoying for a parent (or teacher).
Education
I also remember how much emphasis he put on grades. He was of the belief that all three of us were more than capable of getting all A's and we were. He knew the gene pool we came from and it was unlikely two extremely intelligent people like my parents would have offspring that just could not get A's. But he also knew that A's took work. So as we grew older and our friends were dealing with authoritative parents trying to keep them out of trouble, Dad would continue to point to the grades as an indicator of our behavior and prospects of success later in life.
I understand this method could be debated and wouldn't work for every kid, but that was the greatness of my Father. He knew his kids. He knew this method would work with us. He let alot of things go, but he didn't give an inch on grades. I never got that feel good "atta boy, son!" for a B. Shoot, even A's were treated as expected. When I faltered in college, he immediately lit a fire under my butt that propelled me to the A's I should have earned long before. As grown adults, my brother and sister and I have managed to get where we are now rather successfully albeit totally different places (i.e. teaching, business and entertainment), in large part due to our education.
I am grateful he did this because even though I didn't consistently get the 4.0 that my siblings did (for reasons that can be blogged about later), it was a tangible motivator for me that instilled this value for education and success later in college.
Being the Better Person
My Dad has been a model for me in numerous facets of life. One way is the grace, maturity and compassion that he handled the divorce with my mom. It couldn't have been an easy thing for him to deal with, yet he was so supportive, understanding and caring through the whole thing. The way he continues to handle his relationship with my mother is admirable. Instead of being bitter and resentful, he has shown how humans should treat each other keeping an eye on what really is important. He continues to support her as she does him. He made sure things were done for the best of all parties involved. Obviously, no one can say it was an easy transition, but it could have been so much worse.
As I have dealt with divorce myself, I have tried to be the same way. Now that I am "in his shoes," I appreciate just how mature and strong he has been with the whole thing. It is such a slippery slope into those negative feelings of anger, self-pity and bitterness. But from my point of view, he never came close. To this day he defends my mother's side and never complains.
Definition of Strength
If you have been reading this blog or know me personally, you have probably noticed that I don't fall into that stereotypical "manly man" category. My Dad taught me through example that strength is much more broad than muscles and ability to hold in your emotions. I can credit my mom for wearing my heart on my sleeve, but my Dad showed me that sometimes that is ok. He welcomed the opportunity to allow me to cry on his shoulder. I still remember leaving a mark on the shoulder of his nice shirt after church or some dress up event one day in the living room sitting on the piano bench. He wasn't the least bit bothered by it. He was quick to give me a hug if I looked distraught. He also was willing to be the one to give in when we argued to make peace....even though I was obviously out of line.
He showed me strength wasn't always being the "man," but being the better man. Sometimes justice wasn't as important as peace. Doing what is right is more important than winning. I am not sure he directly told me this, but showed me it through his actions.
Financial Advisor
As I entered adulthood and began buying cars and houses and insurance and making decisions about retirement and so on, I would call Dad (and will continue to do so) before I'd pull the trigger on anything. Before I knew it, he would come calling with a spreadsheet and thorough explanation of all my options and their effects. Without him, who knows where I would be right now.
Support System
During any time of need my Dad has been there in anyway I needed at the drop of a hat. When my daughter was in the hospital, he never hesitated to pack his emergency bag, tie up his loose end responsibilities and drive down I-71 to be there with me. Whether it meant standing by my side with a hand on my shoulder, providing me with that shoulder again to cry on, take notes of what the doctors were saying, asking questions I couldn't get out in the midst of my mind running a million miles a second, going home to make sure my house is ok or to get me a change of clothes, running down to pay for more time parking or move the car to the garage, finding the vending machines, looking for times the cafeteria would be open, calling other family members and the list goes on, he would be there to do it all and more.
I remembered this last month when my grandmother, his mother passed away. My knee-jerk reaction was, "I gotta get up there to be with him." It must have been instinct because I was programmed that way from my experience on the other side.
And I can't end this section without mentioning his undying support of his mother as she progressed through Alzheimer's. Again, a tough, tough situation to handle yet he dealt with it with such grace and love. He visited her everyday and advocated for her 100% for 100% of the time. She was able to live a comfortable and pleasant life to the end because of his unending support and care.
Mr. Fix-it
Oh yes, Dad couldn't fix much. Paying somebody else to fix it was the best solution. I think his favorite tool was the pen. A pen to write the check. I am my Father's son!
Sports
I can't end this post without mentioning one of my favorite memories of my Dad. While he never was the type of Father to push me into sports or expect me to be this great athlete, he was such a great fan. I played so many years of soccer and a number of years playing city league baseball and softball in my childhood but nothing stands out as much as my dad standing on the sidelines away from the other parents cheering me on and yelling encouragement from the sidelines. Whether it was screaming to back up another defender or yelling the name of an open teammate to pass the ball to, he was so into it and I loved every minute of it. Finally, I loved the numerous driveway basketball games or frontyard football games that he would play with us. He was always the dad that got out there with us and played along....even now, bowling with is granddaughter.
That's my awesome Dad. I'm trying to be the same kind of Dad to my kids because of his awesomeness.
My Dad has taught me as much as any Father. He has shown me how to be a man, husband, son, neighbor, friend, trusted set of ears, shoulder to cry on, financial advisor, emotional supporter, teacher, coach and good person.
I want to share with you how much respect and love I have for my Dad through several stories from my life that highlight his best qualities.
Money
Growing up he would give us an allowance every Friday regardless of whether we did our chores or not. I remember thinking that we were getting away with highway robbery but later found out that his goal was not so much to get us to do chores, (I think he was pretty lax in that department but also figured we should do that regardless of allowance) but to teach us to handle money appropriately. By giving us a "ration" each week and then holding us to it when we wanted to buy that candy bar staring at us waiting in line at the store, we were forced with the decision of how important that treat was to us. Through those experiences we learned the scarcity of money. It also probably got us off his back when we were at the store by getting us to quit begging him for stuff which can be awfully annoying for a parent (or teacher).
Education
I also remember how much emphasis he put on grades. He was of the belief that all three of us were more than capable of getting all A's and we were. He knew the gene pool we came from and it was unlikely two extremely intelligent people like my parents would have offspring that just could not get A's. But he also knew that A's took work. So as we grew older and our friends were dealing with authoritative parents trying to keep them out of trouble, Dad would continue to point to the grades as an indicator of our behavior and prospects of success later in life.
I understand this method could be debated and wouldn't work for every kid, but that was the greatness of my Father. He knew his kids. He knew this method would work with us. He let alot of things go, but he didn't give an inch on grades. I never got that feel good "atta boy, son!" for a B. Shoot, even A's were treated as expected. When I faltered in college, he immediately lit a fire under my butt that propelled me to the A's I should have earned long before. As grown adults, my brother and sister and I have managed to get where we are now rather successfully albeit totally different places (i.e. teaching, business and entertainment), in large part due to our education.
I am grateful he did this because even though I didn't consistently get the 4.0 that my siblings did (for reasons that can be blogged about later), it was a tangible motivator for me that instilled this value for education and success later in college.
Being the Better Person
My Dad has been a model for me in numerous facets of life. One way is the grace, maturity and compassion that he handled the divorce with my mom. It couldn't have been an easy thing for him to deal with, yet he was so supportive, understanding and caring through the whole thing. The way he continues to handle his relationship with my mother is admirable. Instead of being bitter and resentful, he has shown how humans should treat each other keeping an eye on what really is important. He continues to support her as she does him. He made sure things were done for the best of all parties involved. Obviously, no one can say it was an easy transition, but it could have been so much worse.
As I have dealt with divorce myself, I have tried to be the same way. Now that I am "in his shoes," I appreciate just how mature and strong he has been with the whole thing. It is such a slippery slope into those negative feelings of anger, self-pity and bitterness. But from my point of view, he never came close. To this day he defends my mother's side and never complains.
Definition of Strength
If you have been reading this blog or know me personally, you have probably noticed that I don't fall into that stereotypical "manly man" category. My Dad taught me through example that strength is much more broad than muscles and ability to hold in your emotions. I can credit my mom for wearing my heart on my sleeve, but my Dad showed me that sometimes that is ok. He welcomed the opportunity to allow me to cry on his shoulder. I still remember leaving a mark on the shoulder of his nice shirt after church or some dress up event one day in the living room sitting on the piano bench. He wasn't the least bit bothered by it. He was quick to give me a hug if I looked distraught. He also was willing to be the one to give in when we argued to make peace....even though I was obviously out of line.
He showed me strength wasn't always being the "man," but being the better man. Sometimes justice wasn't as important as peace. Doing what is right is more important than winning. I am not sure he directly told me this, but showed me it through his actions.
Financial Advisor
As I entered adulthood and began buying cars and houses and insurance and making decisions about retirement and so on, I would call Dad (and will continue to do so) before I'd pull the trigger on anything. Before I knew it, he would come calling with a spreadsheet and thorough explanation of all my options and their effects. Without him, who knows where I would be right now.
Support System
During any time of need my Dad has been there in anyway I needed at the drop of a hat. When my daughter was in the hospital, he never hesitated to pack his emergency bag, tie up his loose end responsibilities and drive down I-71 to be there with me. Whether it meant standing by my side with a hand on my shoulder, providing me with that shoulder again to cry on, take notes of what the doctors were saying, asking questions I couldn't get out in the midst of my mind running a million miles a second, going home to make sure my house is ok or to get me a change of clothes, running down to pay for more time parking or move the car to the garage, finding the vending machines, looking for times the cafeteria would be open, calling other family members and the list goes on, he would be there to do it all and more.
I remembered this last month when my grandmother, his mother passed away. My knee-jerk reaction was, "I gotta get up there to be with him." It must have been instinct because I was programmed that way from my experience on the other side.
And I can't end this section without mentioning his undying support of his mother as she progressed through Alzheimer's. Again, a tough, tough situation to handle yet he dealt with it with such grace and love. He visited her everyday and advocated for her 100% for 100% of the time. She was able to live a comfortable and pleasant life to the end because of his unending support and care.
Mr. Fix-it
Oh yes, Dad couldn't fix much. Paying somebody else to fix it was the best solution. I think his favorite tool was the pen. A pen to write the check. I am my Father's son!
Sports
I can't end this post without mentioning one of my favorite memories of my Dad. While he never was the type of Father to push me into sports or expect me to be this great athlete, he was such a great fan. I played so many years of soccer and a number of years playing city league baseball and softball in my childhood but nothing stands out as much as my dad standing on the sidelines away from the other parents cheering me on and yelling encouragement from the sidelines. Whether it was screaming to back up another defender or yelling the name of an open teammate to pass the ball to, he was so into it and I loved every minute of it. Finally, I loved the numerous driveway basketball games or frontyard football games that he would play with us. He was always the dad that got out there with us and played along....even now, bowling with is granddaughter.
That's my awesome Dad. I'm trying to be the same kind of Dad to my kids because of his awesomeness.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I am very lucky...
You have read me wax on about my Huey Karma. If you know me, you have heard me talk pessimistically about things in my life. I mentioned in the past I have had horrible luck when things go wrong inexplicably. My parents have spun it another way by stating how it could be considered good luck because these "bad" things could have easily been much worse. Plus, there are many people in the world with situations or events MUCH worse.
Agreed.
But I feel I am lucky for other reasons as well. I met a woman 12 years ago that has proven my good fortune. It was a chance meeting playing on the same coed softball team at Ohio State. Common conversation led to some common ground. Thus began a friendship that meandered through a number of different periods. We both followed different paths over the next decade never straying too far from one another to lose touch. But never able to get too close due to our other relationships.
Over the following decade we lived in different states. We would go months without talking. We lived contrasting lifestyles. I was married. I had a kid. But something kept us in contact with one another. Sometimes it would not be a conscious or tangible connection. We just never let go of each other's email or phone number. Even with no emails or calls to one another, we kept them.....just in case I suppose.
Then when our friendship was probably at its most minimal in terms of communication, I found myself in need of her without really realizing this specifically. We just so happened to find each other again. As luck would have it, She was one who could best help me in this time of need. A simple voicemail to touch base turned into daily emails and intentional visits.
So at precisely the same time, we reached low points in our lives. Then we just so happened to be back to hanging out and talking regularly like the first summer we knew each other. Coincidence? Luck? In my case I had many loving people rally behind me during my low point. That alone shows the good fortune I have. I have had some wonderful relationships in my life. My family, my friends, my work colleagues, they all supported me in their own unique ways and helped make a difficult time for me rather easy. My friend also found a support system that has helped her. But the person who ended up playing the largest role for me was this friend working through her own difficulty.
Now this woman is my wife. She has gone from a good friend to more of an acquantice to my closest, most trusted relationship. She has been a tremendous role model to my daughter. She has been so loving and understanding of me. She tries so hard to be the best she can be taking it one day at a time. She has dealt with all my character defects and numerous stresses that come with entering a relationship with someone who already has a child in stride, with eloquence I could never mimic.
I have so much respect for this angel. I love her with all my heart. I give her the best and worst of me and she takes it all. She motivates me and makes me a better person despite my resistance much of the time.
Somehow she sees something in me to go through so much and stay. She has dropped everything to move to Columbus with me. That is not easy. She is basically starting her whole life over down here. I am so appreciative of this. I couldn't bear moving away from my daughter. I can barely go overnight without seeing her when she is with her mom. My loving wife knows this and has allowed me this luxury. I am forever grateful. Now she shares this as she begins to love my daughter and build a wonderful relationhsip with her.
I am so lucky that at just the right time she and I reconnected. A year earlier, a year later and that would not have happened. Had we tried to take our friendship in another direction at any point in that decade we may never had had this opportunity. We would just be memories to each other. But that never happened.
That's some good karma.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
State of my Blog and other Tidbits
State of Blog
Well, I started this blog earlier in the year in an effort to write more and avoid annoying people with emails about topics I like to debate or talk about. I also was hoping friends and strangers would browse through and join in with their opinions and perspectives to help me shape mine.
I like what has come of this so much that I am bugging my wife with the time I spend on here and have recently tried to ween myself off a bit to respect her needs. But I am not quitting this blog. Nor does she want me to.
Anyway, I have been sticking to the sports theme a whole lot of late which is cool. That is a huge part of my life. It is what I enjoy the most. I'd be a farce if I came on here saying I want to write about what I think about and enjoy and avoided that subject completely. There is more to me though contrary to popular belief. I think I have shown that with some of the posts I have put on here. I plan to get back to more of that.
Spirituality
Right now, nothing is coming to me to write about and I don't want to force it. Plus, the book I am reading on Buddhism is awfully dry. Not much to really write about. I am enjoying the book as I learn more about this way of life. It still appeals to me greatly. But I haven't had much I can reflect on that others would want to chime in on. That may change as I make my way through the book. I plan to read the Book of Matthew in the Bible after this. My Dad recommended it. I plan to discuss it and the comparison to Buddhism with my Dad, you and those in the blogosphere in the near future.
Education
I am really burned out with my career so my education reflections may be on hold. Plus summer is fast approaching...my "healing" time.
More Fatherhood
I also wanted to add that I love having a daughter and wife. When I hear "My Girl" by the Temptations I have these two beautiful people to think about and appreciate. Can't use that song with a son. Maybe in less than 7 months I'll have a son to experience the same kind of thing with as he grows up. Probably a different song though.
NFL Draft
I am watching the pre-draft special on ESPN and just have to say I love Tom Jackson. I always have. I have fond memories of when he and Chris Berman and Pete Forgot-his-last-name-but-he-has-since-passed began NFL Primetime in the late 80's / early 90s. I loved watching for Browns' highlights. It was the highlight of the weekend, ending it with the memory of a great Cleveland Browns victory. Anyway, this guy is steady and knows his stuff. It is the one thing that keeps me coming back despite the mindless laughing they all keep doing nowadays. For some reason we have to have a comedy up there for the fringe fans. I just want my football with some spontaneous humor from time to time. And I don't need the panelist cracking up all the freaking time.
Oh yeah, and the Browns had a kick ass draft last year with their acclaimed top three picks and the little talked about pick of McDonald at the DB position which made Bodden expendable. And this may sound funny since they don't have any picks the first day, but this year's draft is a good one in my mind because they used the picks to get Brady Quinn last year as well as Corey Williams and Shaun Rogers (who the Bungles tried to get) on the DL where we NEEDED help. More to come on this for sure.
Music
A band I have recently fallen in love with is The Hollies. My brother and dad would play "Bus Stop" in our basement back in the day when we had friends over and it was always a fond memory of mine. They did a great job and it was a cool tune. Later, I was able to parlay their musical talents into a little ditty for my wife at our wedding reception. I rewrote some of the lyrics to fit how my wife and I met and put it to the music of "Bus Stop." My bro and dad played behind me as I sang to my wife who had never heard this version before. Everyone watched. Those of you who know me know I can't sing to save my life and it wasn't pretty. But it was so much fun and I enjoyed every second of it and felt the rush of performing in front of close to 100 people if not more. It was also cool to meet up with my dad and bro to practice leading up to the "show." I enjoyed the bonding.
With that said, in my search to find a copy of "Bus Stop" I realized The Hollies had a number of songs I recognized and enjoyed. In fact I enjoyed them a whole lot! And many of their songs are so different than the others. They have songs like "Bus Stop" and then a more classic rock style "Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress." Then the intimate "Air That I Breathe." The soft rock classic "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother." The bee bop pop style "Carrie Anne" or "Just One Look." And these are just the popular hits. There is so much more about these artists I want to find. Yum, good stuff.
Well, I started this blog earlier in the year in an effort to write more and avoid annoying people with emails about topics I like to debate or talk about. I also was hoping friends and strangers would browse through and join in with their opinions and perspectives to help me shape mine.
I like what has come of this so much that I am bugging my wife with the time I spend on here and have recently tried to ween myself off a bit to respect her needs. But I am not quitting this blog. Nor does she want me to.
Anyway, I have been sticking to the sports theme a whole lot of late which is cool. That is a huge part of my life. It is what I enjoy the most. I'd be a farce if I came on here saying I want to write about what I think about and enjoy and avoided that subject completely. There is more to me though contrary to popular belief. I think I have shown that with some of the posts I have put on here. I plan to get back to more of that.
Spirituality
Right now, nothing is coming to me to write about and I don't want to force it. Plus, the book I am reading on Buddhism is awfully dry. Not much to really write about. I am enjoying the book as I learn more about this way of life. It still appeals to me greatly. But I haven't had much I can reflect on that others would want to chime in on. That may change as I make my way through the book. I plan to read the Book of Matthew in the Bible after this. My Dad recommended it. I plan to discuss it and the comparison to Buddhism with my Dad, you and those in the blogosphere in the near future.
Education
I am really burned out with my career so my education reflections may be on hold. Plus summer is fast approaching...my "healing" time.
More Fatherhood
I also wanted to add that I love having a daughter and wife. When I hear "My Girl" by the Temptations I have these two beautiful people to think about and appreciate. Can't use that song with a son. Maybe in less than 7 months I'll have a son to experience the same kind of thing with as he grows up. Probably a different song though.
NFL Draft
I am watching the pre-draft special on ESPN and just have to say I love Tom Jackson. I always have. I have fond memories of when he and Chris Berman and Pete Forgot-his-last-name-but-he-has-since-passed began NFL Primetime in the late 80's / early 90s. I loved watching for Browns' highlights. It was the highlight of the weekend, ending it with the memory of a great Cleveland Browns victory. Anyway, this guy is steady and knows his stuff. It is the one thing that keeps me coming back despite the mindless laughing they all keep doing nowadays. For some reason we have to have a comedy up there for the fringe fans. I just want my football with some spontaneous humor from time to time. And I don't need the panelist cracking up all the freaking time.
Oh yeah, and the Browns had a kick ass draft last year with their acclaimed top three picks and the little talked about pick of McDonald at the DB position which made Bodden expendable. And this may sound funny since they don't have any picks the first day, but this year's draft is a good one in my mind because they used the picks to get Brady Quinn last year as well as Corey Williams and Shaun Rogers (who the Bungles tried to get) on the DL where we NEEDED help. More to come on this for sure.
Music
A band I have recently fallen in love with is The Hollies. My brother and dad would play "Bus Stop" in our basement back in the day when we had friends over and it was always a fond memory of mine. They did a great job and it was a cool tune. Later, I was able to parlay their musical talents into a little ditty for my wife at our wedding reception. I rewrote some of the lyrics to fit how my wife and I met and put it to the music of "Bus Stop." My bro and dad played behind me as I sang to my wife who had never heard this version before. Everyone watched. Those of you who know me know I can't sing to save my life and it wasn't pretty. But it was so much fun and I enjoyed every second of it and felt the rush of performing in front of close to 100 people if not more. It was also cool to meet up with my dad and bro to practice leading up to the "show." I enjoyed the bonding.
With that said, in my search to find a copy of "Bus Stop" I realized The Hollies had a number of songs I recognized and enjoyed. In fact I enjoyed them a whole lot! And many of their songs are so different than the others. They have songs like "Bus Stop" and then a more classic rock style "Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress." Then the intimate "Air That I Breathe." The soft rock classic "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother." The bee bop pop style "Carrie Anne" or "Just One Look." And these are just the popular hits. There is so much more about these artists I want to find. Yum, good stuff.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Sense of Humor
I was thinking today: Why is funny funny? What makes things we laugh at funny?
I realize we all have different senses of humor and are amused by different things. But what makes these things amusing? There are all kind of different types of comedy.
I for one enjoy Frank Caliendo and his impersonations. But why are they funny to me? Because they are so much alike the people he is imitating? Why is that funny?
I can't say I am a big fan of slapstick comedy but there are moments that I laugh at someone slipping or bumping into things. Mainly the look on their face is so out of the ordinary that I laugh. But why?
A good joke is funny but why? Is it the clever aspect of it? Is it the combination of the absurd and the real or mundane? Is it insult of it?
Seinfeld was so good at poking fun at the everyday idiosyncrasies of life but why did we laugh? Was it the fact that other people noticed these things too?
Dirty humor is always funny? Why do we laugh at sex and cuss words? Are we nervous about talking or hearing it?
How about cuteness? I have laughed at some of the things my daughter says becasue it is just so darn cute. Why? She makes me smile all the time just being, but still.....why do I laugh?
Whatever the reason, I love to laugh.
I realize we all have different senses of humor and are amused by different things. But what makes these things amusing? There are all kind of different types of comedy.
I for one enjoy Frank Caliendo and his impersonations. But why are they funny to me? Because they are so much alike the people he is imitating? Why is that funny?
I can't say I am a big fan of slapstick comedy but there are moments that I laugh at someone slipping or bumping into things. Mainly the look on their face is so out of the ordinary that I laugh. But why?
A good joke is funny but why? Is it the clever aspect of it? Is it the combination of the absurd and the real or mundane? Is it insult of it?
Seinfeld was so good at poking fun at the everyday idiosyncrasies of life but why did we laugh? Was it the fact that other people noticed these things too?
Dirty humor is always funny? Why do we laugh at sex and cuss words? Are we nervous about talking or hearing it?
How about cuteness? I have laughed at some of the things my daughter says becasue it is just so darn cute. Why? She makes me smile all the time just being, but still.....why do I laugh?
Whatever the reason, I love to laugh.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Fatherhood
I recently heard some awesome news that a good friend of mine and his wife are having their first baby! My brother and sister-in-law had twins recently. Another good friend just had a second daughter. The list goes on but my point is that all of these new children got me thinking about fatherhood. So I am sharing my thoughts with you.
I thought of manhood and how we define being a "man." It seems as though the first things that come to mind are attributes of physical and emotional strength. The more muscular you are, the more of a man you are. The tougher you are, the more macho you are. The more emotional pain you can endure without crying makes you more manly. Going out and making a living to support your family and put bread on the table defines your success as a man. These are all legitimate characteristics of being a man. I am not writing this blog to discount the traditional definition of man.
The reason I am writing this blog is to shine a light on another aspect of being a real man....Fatherhood. The word "Father" is so empowering. The strength of "father" is intense. While "daddy" tears at your heartstrings, father's connotation is very powerful.
It means providing for your family in the way you are able to depending on your specific situation. It means listening to your child. Knowing your child and what makes them tick. Loving them unconditionally. Giving and giving. Turning on the discipline when needed and letting go when the time calls for it. Putting your kid before yourself. Changing your lifestyle, if needed, for the good of your child. Putting high value on education. Being a positive role model. Instilling a caring and loving sense of being in your kid. Hugging and kissing and patting on the back and rubbing the top of their head. Watching your language. Explaining yourself. Letting go and being the better person. Biting your tongue and not saying what you really, really want to say. PATIENCE! Reading lots of medical stuff you hardly understand, trying to find answers or help with health conditions that arise. Consistency. Doctors appointments. Meetings with teachers. Bugging people for answers. Following through on things that you may have been lazy with when it was just you. Cleaning up. Being a good partner or husband. Surrounding yourself and your child with good people. Not being afraid to say, "HELP!" Listening to trusted people's advice even if your ego makes it difficult.
I know I could go on. Some of these things may have been personal to me or you may disagree with some or add others. Feel free to do so. I know a couple of things:
1) Father is not easy
2) Father is humility
3) Father is the perfect example of gaining by giving
4) Father is worth it
I do realize this could have been entitled, "Parenthood." But within the definition of manhood, maybe on the top of the list, I wanted to add these things.
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