Looking Through The Mirror

Without a doubt, I cherish my years in the 90s at The Ohio State University.

In and of themselves, those years were the most free, fun and developmental years of my life.  Much of who I am today is based on those years.  Many of my dearest friends come that period of my life.

Now, I am two decades removed from the beginning of that period of life and I often miss it dearly.  When I try to relive those times, I quickly realize that I am not even close to the same person I was then.

This is both good and bad.

On one hand, I can't behave that way anymore.  First, I just can't pull it off.  Second, I don't want to because the consequences are far too painful. This body just ain't the same it once was.  Third, I have WAY too many responsibilities and little people counting on me to act that way right now.

On the other hand, I am so much more wise.  I know when to slow down, speed up, keep my mouth shut, or say something and what to say.  I know my limits.  I know what I know and what I don't.

I am a different person.

While I miss who I was and what I did and long to be able to repeat that lifestyle, I am happy where I am now and it is vastly different.

So tonight I visit campus and I enjoy an amazing show at a venue that holds numerous memories, mostly positive, overwhelmingly positive. I get a slice of pizza and grab a beer.  I feel many of those same feelings I felt 20 years ago but through  much different lens.

I realize I am very lucky.

I can appreciate those times for what they were.  I can appreciate having grown out of them.

The Battle For Humility

I had a conversation with my wife awhile back in which she said she needs to stay humble.  If not, she will begin to think she has control and that is when things get bad.

More recently I had a similar conversation with a dear friend of mine.

Both have made dramatic adjustments, one can say improvements, in their lives and I believe this way of thinking relates to these positive changes and their efforts to maintain their current, much better state of mind.

This summer I watched a documentary on a Philadelphia high school football team that had a rival school merge with them causing a heavy dose of challenges for everyone involved.  Throughout the documentary I heard the coaches talk about staying humble.

Finally, many religious friends of mine often speak of humility and the importance of knowing their God is in control they are not.

It is enough to make a man, at least this man, start to reflect and examine humility.

I have two driving questions that have stuck with me as I have thought about it the past several months. First, why?  Why is humility so important?  If you know me, you are ready for the upcoming, predictable disclaimer:  I am not asking to challenge these people or hide some counter agenda, I'm asking because I want to examine and analyze why.

Secondly, more personally, how does practicing humility work with someone like me who struggles with self-esteem and needs to manufacture confidence, sometimes exaggerating to "fake it 'til I make it?"

So why is humility important?

The first thought that came to me is how annoying an egotistical know-it-all can be and how that often makes them a target.  At least for me, I have always been afraid of being perceived as such because I didn't want the target or the opposition. I also wanted (want) people to like me or respect me so this people pleasing flaw didn't mesh with making enemies or bothering people.

This seems way to shallow.  There has to be a better, more thorough reasoning behind the importance of humility.

I read so much about the problem of the "ego" which is the opposite of humility. This could be a better starting point.  The ego is our perception of ourselves.  As a result, we judge everything, maybe without even realizing it, as good or bad, favorable or unfavorable and this feeds the ego.

As we get caught up in this whirlwind of feeling good or bad, we naturally want more good.  So our actions now become more and more dependent on obtaining this good or avoiding the bad.

Soon, we feel in control.  Now I have come full circle to my wife's point.

I think.

As we feel in control, we lose touch with the reality that this control is fake, a facade. It is only our perception, not the truth.

The more we care about this perception or illusion, the easier it is to succumb to our demons.  What we need to do is work towards an idea that is less I and you or them and more us. The goal is to become more connected with humanity, your God, nature, the universe, take your pick.

Lose the the judgments both good and bad about everything.

Remember, this is my uneducated, unprofessional opinion which hopefully will lead to responses.

Finally, how does all of this relate to someone like me who needs to demonstrate more confidence? Who needs to quit beating himself up repeatedly and agonizing over every mistake?

I may have answered it already.

Writing this post has brought to mind how it isn't a matter of good and bad, right and wrong. Humility, my need to feel better about myself needs to be able detaching from all those judgments and attaching or connecting to everyone and everything in a more neutral manner.

The context of humility may look different to different people.  You may give your problems to God.  You may let go of your challenges.  You may focus on the now and only the now as it is, not good, not bad, just now.

Whatever.  The end is the same.  Suspend judgments. Let it be.