I Love It.....

...when I come home from work and open the garage door to the sounds and coos of my baby girl upstairs.

...when I walk up those stairs and see my oldest anxiously greet me with a hug and plenty of excitement.

...when my wife makes sure I don't proceed without giving her a kiss.

...that my wife looks as beautiful as she does.

...that my wife can carry and contribute to a conversation about anything I have on my mind and initiates conversations that intrigue me.

...when I play night softball games under the lights. I fondly remember when I did it for the first time in high school and was struck by the feeling that rushed over me as I trotted out to the outfield. Now, almost twenty years later, I still enjoy that experience.

...that I get to pitch at some of my games. There is something to the control and constant involvement in the game that I enjoy. It is really fun when I am pitching well. I love the satisfaction of contributing to the win.

...when I meet friends to watch any particular team I support. The more the merrier.

...when the leaves begin to change colors and air cools. This time of year is easily my favorite. It means something when it trumps the time of year when I didn't have to work. But once the shock of returning to school wears and I get into the routine, this time of year is great. Even cloudy cool days are nice. Football is in full swing. Playoff baseball is going on. The basketball and hockey seasons are about to commence. There is a feel in the air that I love. Holidays are right around the corner and the traditions that come with them are a joy. Trick or treating with the girls. Lots of turkey and football on Thanksgiving. The Michigan game. Christmas and all that comes with it. Ahh yeah.

...that I have numerous positive relationships with coworkers. As difficult as my job is day in and day out, enjoying the people I work with make it more tolerable.

...that Shaq is a Cavalier. I am eager to watch a season with LeBron and O'Neal playing together nightly.

...that Braylon Edwards is no longer a Brown.

...that I genuinely enjoy the company of my in-laws and even my brother's in-laws.

...that my nephews are very cool. Being "uncle Beau" is nothing but fun and watching them bond with their cousins is awesome to watch.

...that I have so many good friends. I also love that I have such a diverse set of friends. The diversity has added plenty of spice to my life.

...that I do not have any long standing grudges or estrangements with family members or loved ones.

...that I am paying off my debt....slowly but surely.

...that I have all girls this year. I am enjoying it as much of a roller coaster ride that it is.

...that I have so many fond memories of several periods of my life.

...that I got to be a part of 85. And that every time we are together we all acknowledge it and mark it with pictures. It is a tradition and an experience that I cherish to this day and always will.

...that I got to throw the tire.

...that I know what glasshouse party means to a select group of people. And I got to experience it multiple time.

...that at least Ohio State has won a a championship in my lifetime and it was a football one at that.

...that Cleveland was able to get back our football team and its essence unlike every other city out there.

...that I have been able to go to a Rose Bowl. And it was an epic game.

...that I can turn the channel when I see Ann Coulter is on CNN.

...that I can rake at "Beer Money" on STO.

...when All Bets Are Off is on TV and I can enjoy Bruce rant about things I care about just like the old days on the radio before he was in trouble with the law.

...that I got to witness Bernie Kosar play for the Browns.

...that I was around for the birth of the Dawg Pound and sat in it during its glory days.

...that I was able to attend games in the Grand Old Lady on the Lake before it was demolished for the new Cleveland Browns Stadium.

...that the Browns stadium is named just that and not some sponsor like Progressive Field.

...that I was able to enjoy the Indians in the mid-90s.

...that know what it is to be loyal and die hard no matter what, to something.

The Bad In Life Is Good

I sat in a rush hour traffic jam this evening thinking about a number of different things including how odd it is for me to say, "Think of how far I've come?" I was thinking of my personal well being and happiness.

I felt it is odd because the answer varies based on how long of a span within your life you look.

For example: If I compare my life now to 2003 and 2004, my life has come a tremendously long way back from some very dark times to some very happy times. But if I compare my life now to my years in college and soon thereafter, it is about the same. I was pretty happy and content with my life back then too. So I haven't come a long way at all.

Like Obi Won Kanobi said in Jedi, "It's all a matter of how you look at it." That's the quote as I remember it anyway.

Then I thought how I can easily identify the worst time of my life. The worst moment. The worst experience. The worst year. But I can't pinpoint my single best moment, experience or year.

What was better? My wedding? The birth of my daughters? The 1997 Rose Bowl with my Dad? Graduations? First kiss or any other firsts?

I'm extremely fortunate to have a number of experiences that can be thrown in a steel cage match of sorts to battle it out for the top spot.

This led me to comparing my nightmare of 2003-2004 with the dreadful years in middle school. Those middle school "issues" I dealt with seem so petty and overblown in comparison to the heavy stuff I dealt with later. Yet I handled myself so much better through the stress of 03-04. Obviously, being an adult with more perspective helped.

If I looked back on my life in the midst of my family falling apart before my eyes in health and status to my years of near depression in 8th grade, would I have felt I came a long way?

Today's vantage point would lead me to believe that yes, I have come a long way. In fact, it was those two periods of my life that have truly defined who I am. I needed my daughter's health issue to wake me up and force me to grow up and demonstrate better responsibility as a father. This is not to say I was a bad father at that time. It is to say that this experience has brought out the best in me.

The end of my marriage needed to happen for my well being and happiness and I sincerely believe it has led to a better life for my ex and our daughter. Forcing that marriage to continue would have led to a life of indifference and resentment. We have all moved on and have grown to a point that is much more healthy today. There is still more work to be done, but if there wasn't then what will I look to in the future to measure how far I have come from now?

More validation came in the summer of 2008. I dealt with two losses in my life. My grandmother passed and my unborn daughter to be passed away. These experiences happened so close together in May and June that much of the emotion blurs together. But as I left that summer, I had this calm, soothing feeling in my soul. The grieving I did that summer took me to place I needed to be. It was a place I wouldn't have been had I not learned and grown from the other hardships.

One could conceivably say that those worst periods of my life have been the best. The strength they required and the maturity I showed have provided proof that I am a better person than I often think. I used to worry I would fold in tough times. But I can now say I know I won't. I know I didn't in the past.

Tough times don't last. Tough people do.

I'll never think or act like I'd win a fist fight. But I can handle the mental battles that life brings. I can outlast hardship. And I can do what it takes to regain my well-being and happiness.

I can because I did.

Finally, I realize my difficulty pales in comparison to many troubles others have. By no means do I attempt to compare myself to them or compete with them for who has had tougher times. I doubt I could handle many of the things others have dealt with throughout history or around the world as we speak. If anything, my experiences have taught me just how much respect and admiration I have for people dealing with much tougher stresses than I have dealt with in my life.

The One Block Rule: A Tribute To My Brother

Next week I will fly to Chicago to celebrate my brother's graduation from Kellogg, one of the most prestigious business schools in the U.S. It should be a great weekend for him and our family as we all share our pride with him and witness the finality of this accomplishment.

It is a well deserved honor for him. My brother is one of the most driven, hard working, intelligent people I know. You don't graduate from The Ohio State University with honors and then work in Sweden for two years only to follow up with two years in Evanston, earning an MBA with newborn twins to boot without having some drive and intelligence.

Of course, let's make sure credit is given where credit is due here. He married a very special woman who played an important role in all of this as well. She uprooted her life to move across the ocean and travel the world with him as a newlywed. She also carried the majority of the load with those boys while he was hard at work studying and working.

As much as I respect and admire my brother, my sister-in-law deserves and has a great deal of respect, admiration and love from me as well.

I've watched my brother grow up from the day he was brought home from the hospital. We shared a room growing up and I have many memories wanting him out. I managed to convince him to move into the walk-in closet we had so I could have the whole room. Later, we put up a blanket in that same closet to divide it into our own personal, "private" spaces.

Despite these efforts, we spent a good bit of time together growing up. We shared a number of similar interests and friends. Only two years apart in age, we also attended high school and college at the same time.

When I left to attend Ohio State, he joined my Dad to help me move. I knew my roommate from high school and was aware that he wouldn't move in until the day after I did, so my brother even spent my first night in the dorm with me.

If this wasn't enough, when it was his turn to leave for college he chose Ohio State as well, following in my steps......or so I'd like to think. My brother more than made footsteps of his own.

After he and his roommate decided they were done living in the dorms after their freshman year, they moved in with me. All those years of trying to get away from one another and here we were choosing to live together. Granted, this time around we had our own rooms, but my point is still valid.

I have had first hand experience watching my brother bust his rear end studying and working and attaining high marks in school. I have witnessed how he interacted with people and situations. I saw his mistakes and accomplishments. I observed him grow up and mature and become who he is today.

The whole time I watched with awe. I was the older brother, but all too often I was learning from him. That has been hard to take sometimes. It is humbling to be the apprentice when you are traditionally supposed to be the master. But I would like to think that is more of a testament to him than a strike against me.

Long gone are the days of the "One Block Rule." I always reference this story because it is a perfect example of the changing of the guard that took place between us. There once was a day, believe it or not, that I would dominate our one-on-one basketball games in the driveway. This was about the time I hit my growth spurt and he still had a couple of years before he would hit his own.

My advantage in height allowed me to block so many of his shots that it became pointless for us to play. So we agreed to the "one block rule" that limited me to one block per game. This way he could get shots off and our games were much more competitive.

Today there is no need for that rule. He has surpassed me in athletic ability. I couldn't block his shot if my life depended on it. But the chemistry that developed from those hours in our driveway playing hotly contested basketball games, working the give and go to perfection versus our neighbors and creating football routes like P2 in the bushes in which no defender north of I-90 could stop, led to a relationship and a host of memories that I'll take over athletic superiority.

I also like to use this story to grab some credit in my brother's development and success. I would like to think that this rule ignited a fire in him that burns to this day. I'd like to think this need to beat his brother in basketball translated into other aspects of his life.

It may be stretch but I'll openly admit I am grasping for some of his coat tails.

I have a ton of respect for my brother. He and I have a good bit in common but we are very different in the way we approach and handle things. While he continues to downplay this achievement, I and the rest of his family are excited to celebrate a major accomplishment in his life. He may be humble about it but I have no problem picking up the slack and bragging about my brother and his MBA from the Kellogg School Of Business at Northwestern University.

Mourning Mallory

It feels like my life has come to a point of closure. Recently, my wife and I experienced a difficult period that I have documented often in this blog. We lost a baby late in the pregnancy to triploidy. It is a freak chromosomal disorder that has always been fatal for the fetus.

We both have worked hard to grieve appropriately and deal with the emotional roller coaster that accompanies a loss such as this. Fortunately, this experience doesn't have any lasting physical problems so we have been able to continue our lives as planned.

We now approach the one year anniversary of the event. At this year mark we have a beautiful baby girl. We are celebrating this joyous experience with sleep deprivation and plenty of diaper changes and feedings. These events present their own challenges believe it or not, but each one is graciously welcomed.

So now I reflect on the past year with all that has happened and wonder to myself if I should put the loss to rest. But I don't want to let this go. I fear that moving on would distant myself from the memory of Mallory even though there was never really a physical memory. I recall the weeks following the loss and how determined I was to make sure we didn't sweep it under the rug. My gut was telling me that I needed to make a big deal about the loss.

I still question if that is appropriate. Plenty of couples lose babies. One thing I learned from the experience was that the number of babies that are lost is surprisingly high. A number of women lose numerous babies before they finally have a successful birth. I lost count of the women in our lives that came out of the woodwork and told us their own stories of lost babies.

They remained silent about these losses. If this is the case and many of them don't mourn their losses, does this mean I am blowing this out of proportion? Is my effort to remain so open about my experience a cry for attention? Am I making a big deal over nothing? Am I too sensitive? Is this something I should let go?

I'll be the first to admit I crave attention. Isn't this blog really an example of me crying out, "Look at me! Listen to me! Watch me!" I think everybody enjoys positive attention at some level whether or not they'll admit it openly or even to ourselves.

So is this a function of that craving?

I do know that in my private moments, I have been emotional over the loss. I really did carry the burden for awhile and throughout the successful pregnancy, I would revisit the memory of the loss in a fearful or saddened way. I didn't always publicize those moments. I would share them with my wife, but she was my partner in this experience.

My wife refers to our daughter as our "miracle baby" because of the loss. She feels it is time to put the loss behind us and has said it is OK to let go of the mourning.

I, on the other hand, still feel that ending the mourning would be one more step to forgetting Mallory. It is all I have of her. My brother and his wife are so generous and caring. They gave my wife and me two gifts. One for the new baby and one to remember Mallory. It meant the world to me. I felt like it gives me a tangible memory of Mallory and I could begin to let go without erasing her. But here I am still wanting to hold on to the sadness. I'm still afraid that letting go would erase Mallory.

Another thought I had was to tattoo her name somewhere hidden on myself. I would then have a tangible way to keep her with me forever. But this would make a hypocrite out of me since I have major issues with the trendy tattoo thing that has risen over the last decade or so. Also, if I did this, I feel I would need to add my two living children and then I would be approaching NBA player level. Wait. No, until I have body ink crawling up my neck and down my arms, I'll be OK.

Maybe my newborn is my closure. She may represent what Mallory would be. Maybe she represents what Mallory is. But I do not want to put that on her. I don't want my youngest daughter to live her life carrying the memory of someone else. I want her to be her own unique person to me. I recall a good friend of mine whose twin was lost at birth. We have discussed this subject manner in the past and his opinion would be worth hearing. I am curious if he feels like he was carrying the memory of his brother throughout his life and if that was a positive or negative thing.

This is a joyous time in my life. I have had numerous setbacks over the past several years and it feels like I am beginning to climb my way back to the surface. This is a time I should be celebrating all the joy, not dragging out the pain. I just can't leave this behind me.

Life is not about the destination but the journey right?

So cliche!

Things Are Going Well When....

...I get a text message from my daughter's mom that she is having a blast with a whole bunch of kids that are over her house playing with her. I have made it public knowledge that I am concerned about my daughter's interactions with her peers because of her impairments. Hearing things like this is wonderful and warms my heart.


....When my daughter returns the next day, I fear she will not want to stay with me because of all the fun she had with her mom. I would understand. She has so many friends and kids her age there to interact with. Instead, the first words out of her mouth are "Daddy, I miss you Daddy."

Ah yes. Daddy's still got it.

For now.

I Love My Emergent Reader

I have mentioned in past posts that my daughter has some serious development delays leading to a very difficult time. Education is very important to me. My daughter's success in school is something I consider a high priority. These cognitive issues make it hard for her to succeed.

Nevertheless, I bust my rear end to teach this child everything I can. Since birth, I have attempted to make books and reading a major part of her life. From the looks of it, I have succeeded. To this day, she plays with books as much as any other toy she has in her room or in the basement.

But while many children her age are speaking more fluently and reading with a much deeper vocabulary and higher cognitive ability, my beloved little one struggles to put sentences together that people outside her immediate family can understand. She can barely maintain a conversation because she is unable to process what is being told to her. It breaks my heart. It scares me to death.

Nonetheless, we push forward. With the support of my loving wife, her stepmother who loves her dearly, I look for ways to close the gap as much as I can. I continue to do the best I can to accept her for who she is but at the same time I want what is best for her and I want her to be the best she can be. I don't believe I can just let that happen. I believe I need to be proactive, especially in her case.

One strength she has is her memory. It still may not be the same as her peers. Or much of her shortcomings may be more a result of her processing problems or inability to communicate than a delay itself. In other words, her issues may be an output problem more than an input problem.

So we have tried to use her memory to help her. She memorizes many things. We hope this memorization can help carry her until she develops the ability to conceptualize things better. She is getting good. She is able to recite 75% of her sight words. She knows her letter sounds and we continue to work on using these sounds to sound out words.

The assessments at school are not turning out well. She is not passing them. Part of the reason is the context. She is not handling the testing situation well. She knows more than the tests are showing. Regardless, we push forward.

Tonight we read Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham" again. We read that book so often that we own two copies. I read one copy while she reads the other. I mention this anecdote because tonight she read more of the book independently than ever before.

It was truly remarkable.

Watching my little one read a whole page of a book was one of the most precious things I have ever witnessed. I understand it was only "Green Eggs and Ham." I watched her read the words she knew. I witnessed her looking at the pictures for cues. She used the rhyming to help her guess the words she didn't know. She also used her memory from the countless reads of the text we had done throughout her life to figure out unknown words. She demonstrated that she is acquiring and using the skills that will help her grow as a reader. It wasn't perfect. We still stumbled through some parts. But today is not the end of the journey, today is just the beginning.

She may only be emerging as a reader, but I still adore my little emergent reader.