Twice in the past month or so I have come to find blood stains on my pillow case. How they originated is a mystery. My wife is disgusted and livid that I am ruining bed sheets with these stains. We both want to know where they are coming from.
Never before have I experienced this. Could it be bleeding gums? I was just in to see the dentist and she gave me a clean bill of health. My gums look fine according to a professional. I am not spitting blood when I brush my teeth either.
I have no facial cuts to leak blood on my pillow and sheet. So that is out. What on this side of the pillow is going on?
Are those reptilians I spoke of in my 2012 apocalypse post for real and messing with me at night?
Let me add this anecdote. During this same period I have had some very scary dreams. I would think they could qualify as bona fide nightmares. They are too graphic for this blog. I know for a fact they are results of my anxiety. If I didn't, it would be a clue that they are a result of too much anxiety by the fact that I am not writing about them out of the fear that if I make them public, they will come true. I think this despite the fact that they are so over the top ridiculous that it would be humanly impossible to do so. In my dreams the setting, characters and events usually don't match. For example, I may have a dream about teaching but it would be in a hospital and my aunts and uncles would be my students. That would never happen.
Despite this, I refuse to publicly display my dreams out of fear that they would play out in my life. But I have confided in my wife. I have told her about two of the dreams. There have been plenty more but they haven't stuck in my memory like the two I revealed to her.
So armed with this knowledge and her observations, we both sought out to discuss why I am waking up with blood stained pillow cases and sheets.
We have determined that I am biting my lips so hard at night during these horrifying nightmares that they are starting to bleed. She did notice they were bleeding slightly during the day at one point during this period of bloody sheets.
It all makes sense but it is still a hypothesis....until I catch those darned Reptilians from the fourth dimension sitting on my chest at night.
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Something Just Ain't Right
Lately I have been obsessing over the prospects of 2012 bringing the apocalypse. I understand the end of the Mayan calendar and the ancient calendar in Japan are really just resets of something we arbitrarily started. I know people have been predicting the end of the world countless times in the past without anything happening. I know Y2K was supposed to be a big deal and wasn't. I also have become aware that Nostradamus was wrong many more times than he was right. He also predicted events to happen past 2012 which would lend one to believe that life will go on past that year.
BUT.........
I can't get my mind off the scientific aspects. The fact that the earth will reach the galactic equator at the same time the Earth ends its 26,000 year wobble and the polar shift is to take place. There is this little thing regarding an asteroid that will barely miss us as well. Beneath Yosemite, there is a major development that could take out all of North America. But even if all of this is speculation, there are weird things going on that make me think things are off.
For instance, it is January 4th and I am still hearing and seeing birds outside. They are supposed to have migrated south. We had cold days this year. What are they still doing here? I remember winter being deathly silent outside. One of my favorite parts of Spring was the return of birds chirping.
The bees are missing. I have been hearing about this for awhile and it scares me. I can't remember who it was, maybe Walt Whitman, but I heard someone say once the bees are gone man will be 7 years from extinction themselves. I believe it. We count on bees to pollinate flowers and contribute to the cycle of life. Nobody knows where the bees are going. Dead bees are not poppin up. Nobody is noticing increased population of bees somewhere else from what I understand. They are just gone.
And let's not forget about the polar bears! And the ice caps around them! The destruction of the rain forests! Aren't we going to eventually run out of trees? Overpopulation?!
Weather is weird. It is snowing three inches in Las Vegas. Hurricanes are lining up in the gulf. There are tsunamis more often than I remember. It is 60 degrees in the winter more often than when I was a kid. The seasons seem to have shifted. It is cold through May here in Ohio but stays warm until late December. It used to snow in October when I grew up.
Maybe some of this is perspective. I grew up in Cleveland and I now live in Columbus. It may not seem like a big difference in geography but it actually is in terms of snow. Lake Erie creates more snow up there than there is down here in Columbus. The media is so much more comprehensive nowadays and may be reporting things more often and more thoroughly than they did when I was younger. I have no data to prove there are more or less hurricanes or earthquakes or tsunamis than there where in my youth.
One good thing that has come from this is an elevated concern in the destruction we are doing to the environment. I have made it a point to recycle more. I need to do more. We all need to do more. The amount of oil and plastic we use is scary and these things are killing us. I am not sure where to begin. I still use both a ton. We all do. We aren't going to stop anytime soon.
Regardless of whether my fear of 2012 is valid or not, everybody needs to start doing more, a lot more, to move in a more ecofriendly direction. What is the solution?
New sources of energy? Easier recycling services? Less pollution? How?
Help me!
Another theory out there is that these developments with the poles and the galactic equator will create a higher vibration which will change the energy we all contribute to and take from leading to a new step in our evolution. These people feel there will be an age of enlightenment. I recall reading similar things in "Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield. Although this book is fiction, it speaks about a Peruvian manuscript that prophesies a global social movement to take place in the early 21st century. The book also speaks of vibrations in the energy that we share which result in advancements in our evolution...or in other words, an enlightenment. Maybe this is the "green" movement we seem to be witnessing and need to follow through with in order to avoid the self-destruction we have contributed to over the last century.
BUT.........
I can't get my mind off the scientific aspects. The fact that the earth will reach the galactic equator at the same time the Earth ends its 26,000 year wobble and the polar shift is to take place. There is this little thing regarding an asteroid that will barely miss us as well. Beneath Yosemite, there is a major development that could take out all of North America. But even if all of this is speculation, there are weird things going on that make me think things are off.
For instance, it is January 4th and I am still hearing and seeing birds outside. They are supposed to have migrated south. We had cold days this year. What are they still doing here? I remember winter being deathly silent outside. One of my favorite parts of Spring was the return of birds chirping.
The bees are missing. I have been hearing about this for awhile and it scares me. I can't remember who it was, maybe Walt Whitman, but I heard someone say once the bees are gone man will be 7 years from extinction themselves. I believe it. We count on bees to pollinate flowers and contribute to the cycle of life. Nobody knows where the bees are going. Dead bees are not poppin up. Nobody is noticing increased population of bees somewhere else from what I understand. They are just gone.
And let's not forget about the polar bears! And the ice caps around them! The destruction of the rain forests! Aren't we going to eventually run out of trees? Overpopulation?!
Weather is weird. It is snowing three inches in Las Vegas. Hurricanes are lining up in the gulf. There are tsunamis more often than I remember. It is 60 degrees in the winter more often than when I was a kid. The seasons seem to have shifted. It is cold through May here in Ohio but stays warm until late December. It used to snow in October when I grew up.
Maybe some of this is perspective. I grew up in Cleveland and I now live in Columbus. It may not seem like a big difference in geography but it actually is in terms of snow. Lake Erie creates more snow up there than there is down here in Columbus. The media is so much more comprehensive nowadays and may be reporting things more often and more thoroughly than they did when I was younger. I have no data to prove there are more or less hurricanes or earthquakes or tsunamis than there where in my youth.
One good thing that has come from this is an elevated concern in the destruction we are doing to the environment. I have made it a point to recycle more. I need to do more. We all need to do more. The amount of oil and plastic we use is scary and these things are killing us. I am not sure where to begin. I still use both a ton. We all do. We aren't going to stop anytime soon.
Regardless of whether my fear of 2012 is valid or not, everybody needs to start doing more, a lot more, to move in a more ecofriendly direction. What is the solution?
New sources of energy? Easier recycling services? Less pollution? How?
Help me!
Another theory out there is that these developments with the poles and the galactic equator will create a higher vibration which will change the energy we all contribute to and take from leading to a new step in our evolution. These people feel there will be an age of enlightenment. I recall reading similar things in "Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield. Although this book is fiction, it speaks about a Peruvian manuscript that prophesies a global social movement to take place in the early 21st century. The book also speaks of vibrations in the energy that we share which result in advancements in our evolution...or in other words, an enlightenment. Maybe this is the "green" movement we seem to be witnessing and need to follow through with in order to avoid the self-destruction we have contributed to over the last century.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
When Is It Enough?
Today I observed a tendency in my daughter's handwriting. As we practiced writing letters at the kitchen table, she would change her hand. I am not a father that prefers her use of one hand over the other. I want her to use the hand that is best. So I have not pushed her to use one over the other to allow her to develop her own preference. But I now wonder if she needs to commit to one. She already deals with a significant cognitive impairment and I want to help her do what is best to compensate for it as much as she will be able to.
So I just sat back and observed her writing. I soon picked up on a pattern. It seemed that she consistently made the same errors with one hand but not the other. For instance, when using her right hand she would draw the letter C backwards. When she used her left hand, she would draw the same letter C correctly. She was consistent with this as she repeated the same mistake with her right and repeatedly wrote it correctly with her left. Also, with other letters that required the same direction as C like the letter G, she made the same errors....EXACTLY.
When it came to a letter with the OPPOSITE motion like a D, B, P or R she would be able to write correctly with the OPPOSITE hand. And consistent with the first letters mentioned, she made the same backwards errors, with the other hand. So with D, B, P and R she would write correctly with her RIGHT hand and backwards with her left hand. The opposite of the opposite letters.
Clear as mud? Or do you get my pattern here?
What does this mean? Anything? Honestly, I feel it means something. It may be something we already know, but it may be a clue. I was quite excited that I discovered this. So excited my head was spinning and I couldn't think straight to reflect on what it meant.
Unfortunately, I was soon brought back down to earth as I realized it probably doesn't mean anything. And I found myself back in the old discussion about when is enough enough with my battle to find "answers" for my daughter's condition. At what point do I just accept her for who she is and quit trying to find out how or why things are the way they are. There is probably no cure. I may never know exactly why it has happened. I am draining the pond dry to find these answers and some point I have to realize it is out of my hands. So these "clues" mean very little other than the fact that she has a neurological condition and her brain is not developed the way it needs to be. This is stuff I already know.
So what should I do? Do I continue my M.O. and seek answers or information about this pattern? If so, where do I look and who do I ask and what do I ask? This is what I want to do. I was told when my precious daughter was only hours old that I was her advocate. I was and am her voice and I need to look out for what is in her best interest until she can do so on her own. I clearly recall standing in the hallway with my dad looking through the window of the nursery at her feeling like I had know her all my life. I remember the feeling of helplessness and how fragile she was. It was very apparent to me how important my role was to this little, beautiful person. At that time I had no idea exactly how I was going advocate for her. I had no idea the "battle" I was in for. I didn't realize how alone I would feel in this "fight" sometimes. But I did know I had to look out for her and I have never let go of that.
This is why I have taken her to see geneticists, developmental disorder experts, MRDD services, neurologists and other specialists. She has taken what seems like every test known to man. I have read articles and asked people questions. I have joined website forums and tapped the special education expertise of my wife. I have brainstormed numerous possible causes and asked doctors. I have changed neurologists so I could understand the language they speak. I have asked friends who are doctors themselves and pharmacists about other possibilities and the drugs we have had to use. And I feel like all of this is not enough.
Am I not accepting my daughter for my daughter? Am I trying to make her something she is not? Am I unable to handle that she is not as normal as her peers and therefore, trying to make up for it in this way?
In my heart I know I love her and do this because I want what is best for her. I know I would not love her more if she was on the same level as her peers. I don't love her any less. I worry she won't be able to live a normal life. I fear she will be called retarded and made fun of. Honestly, it would not be bad if she gets made fun of because every kid needs to deal with that but I don't like the idea of her being sad. That kills me.
So when am I crossing the line of advocating for my girl and trying to make up for some sort of feeling of inadequacy?
So I just sat back and observed her writing. I soon picked up on a pattern. It seemed that she consistently made the same errors with one hand but not the other. For instance, when using her right hand she would draw the letter C backwards. When she used her left hand, she would draw the same letter C correctly. She was consistent with this as she repeated the same mistake with her right and repeatedly wrote it correctly with her left. Also, with other letters that required the same direction as C like the letter G, she made the same errors....EXACTLY.
When it came to a letter with the OPPOSITE motion like a D, B, P or R she would be able to write correctly with the OPPOSITE hand. And consistent with the first letters mentioned, she made the same backwards errors, with the other hand. So with D, B, P and R she would write correctly with her RIGHT hand and backwards with her left hand. The opposite of the opposite letters.
Clear as mud? Or do you get my pattern here?
What does this mean? Anything? Honestly, I feel it means something. It may be something we already know, but it may be a clue. I was quite excited that I discovered this. So excited my head was spinning and I couldn't think straight to reflect on what it meant.
Unfortunately, I was soon brought back down to earth as I realized it probably doesn't mean anything. And I found myself back in the old discussion about when is enough enough with my battle to find "answers" for my daughter's condition. At what point do I just accept her for who she is and quit trying to find out how or why things are the way they are. There is probably no cure. I may never know exactly why it has happened. I am draining the pond dry to find these answers and some point I have to realize it is out of my hands. So these "clues" mean very little other than the fact that she has a neurological condition and her brain is not developed the way it needs to be. This is stuff I already know.
So what should I do? Do I continue my M.O. and seek answers or information about this pattern? If so, where do I look and who do I ask and what do I ask? This is what I want to do. I was told when my precious daughter was only hours old that I was her advocate. I was and am her voice and I need to look out for what is in her best interest until she can do so on her own. I clearly recall standing in the hallway with my dad looking through the window of the nursery at her feeling like I had know her all my life. I remember the feeling of helplessness and how fragile she was. It was very apparent to me how important my role was to this little, beautiful person. At that time I had no idea exactly how I was going advocate for her. I had no idea the "battle" I was in for. I didn't realize how alone I would feel in this "fight" sometimes. But I did know I had to look out for her and I have never let go of that.
This is why I have taken her to see geneticists, developmental disorder experts, MRDD services, neurologists and other specialists. She has taken what seems like every test known to man. I have read articles and asked people questions. I have joined website forums and tapped the special education expertise of my wife. I have brainstormed numerous possible causes and asked doctors. I have changed neurologists so I could understand the language they speak. I have asked friends who are doctors themselves and pharmacists about other possibilities and the drugs we have had to use. And I feel like all of this is not enough.
Am I not accepting my daughter for my daughter? Am I trying to make her something she is not? Am I unable to handle that she is not as normal as her peers and therefore, trying to make up for it in this way?
In my heart I know I love her and do this because I want what is best for her. I know I would not love her more if she was on the same level as her peers. I don't love her any less. I worry she won't be able to live a normal life. I fear she will be called retarded and made fun of. Honestly, it would not be bad if she gets made fun of because every kid needs to deal with that but I don't like the idea of her being sad. That kills me.
So when am I crossing the line of advocating for my girl and trying to make up for some sort of feeling of inadequacy?
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Positive Affirmations
Recently I learned something new about our behavior and feelings. I hope it is going to change the way I view things or think of things. The power of thought is much more powerful than I anticipated. In a round about sort of way I may have already known this but never acknowledged it. Now, it is time to address it and use it for good and not evil.
I was aware of the chemicals and hormones racing through our bodies all the time. These chemicals dictate how we feel and react to things. They play a major role if not THE role in our perception of reality. These are the things that make me feel there is no God or a puppeteer like God. Today is not that kind of blog post though. These chemicals can be triggered by the thoughts we create in our heads. Therefore, we can control our feelings to a certain degree through our thoughts. I don't mean to be so cut and dry and make this out to be an easy task. This is obviously easier said then done or our whole world would be quite different and the need for counselors and therapists would be much smaller.
Throughout my life I was fortunate to have two parents who made it a point to compliment me and avoid too much negativity. Of course, I still had to find a problem with that as I progressed through adolescence. My poor parents couldn't win. They managed to avoid being those overbearing, negative parents killing their kids confidence and self-esteem and did everything they could to build it up and I STILL complained about their parenting. My issues were that I would have a false sense of accomplishment and so I made it a point to cut myself down and ignore and positive remarks they gave me. To this day I have a hard time taking compliments even though I cherish every little one and starve for them. I usually find ways to rationalize how the compliment is not true or too positive. I can't just leave well enough alone and say thank you. Also, I am so afraid of getting insulted or criticized that I try to cut myself down first to avoid any criticism from someone else. I figured if I got the first punch in, the others would not get a chance.
So decades of creating these negative thoughts in my brain have hard wired it to the point that I automatically have these negative feelings about much of what I do. Any time I do something, I naturally react negatively towards it. Therefore, I feel bad about myself and lack confidence much of the time.
I have never had major panic attacks but from what I have heard and learned, they are pretty much adrenaline rushes. Chemically, they are the same as a rush of excitement. The difference is the feeling attached to it or the context of the adrenaline rush. Many times panic attacks or anxiety attacks or general feelings of fear or even sadness can be induced by thoughts. You see something happen and you react to it or think about it. These reactions or thoughts in the brain produce the chemicals that create that "attack" or the feelings of fear, sadness and so on.
With that in mind, you can control your feelings. I have been doing this by thinking negative thoughts about myself on purpose leading to low self-esteem and lack of confidence or general feelings of fear and sadness. What I should be doing is forcing positive thoughts in my head. I need to get to the point of making this routine. These positive thoughts will produce the chemicals that create happiness and confidence. The adrenaline rush would then have a more positive context to it and feel more like a roller coaster than a panic attack.
But let me tell you this won't be easy. The logical, left brain dominated self that am I will analyze things to a point of pure negative and not allow those positive chemicals to flow. The Huey Karma will have its way with me. The hard wired brain that is my head will be a tough one to plow through.
For now, I am going to try to recite positive attributes I consider myself to have each morning. I am going to use my dad's technique of pounding my heart and saying, "Today's gonna be a good day." Hopefully, this will foster a more general sense of confidence and self-esteem. I highly recommend you to join me.
Like Guy Smiley on the old SNL skits......."and dawgonit, people like me!"
I was aware of the chemicals and hormones racing through our bodies all the time. These chemicals dictate how we feel and react to things. They play a major role if not THE role in our perception of reality. These are the things that make me feel there is no God or a puppeteer like God. Today is not that kind of blog post though. These chemicals can be triggered by the thoughts we create in our heads. Therefore, we can control our feelings to a certain degree through our thoughts. I don't mean to be so cut and dry and make this out to be an easy task. This is obviously easier said then done or our whole world would be quite different and the need for counselors and therapists would be much smaller.
Throughout my life I was fortunate to have two parents who made it a point to compliment me and avoid too much negativity. Of course, I still had to find a problem with that as I progressed through adolescence. My poor parents couldn't win. They managed to avoid being those overbearing, negative parents killing their kids confidence and self-esteem and did everything they could to build it up and I STILL complained about their parenting. My issues were that I would have a false sense of accomplishment and so I made it a point to cut myself down and ignore and positive remarks they gave me. To this day I have a hard time taking compliments even though I cherish every little one and starve for them. I usually find ways to rationalize how the compliment is not true or too positive. I can't just leave well enough alone and say thank you. Also, I am so afraid of getting insulted or criticized that I try to cut myself down first to avoid any criticism from someone else. I figured if I got the first punch in, the others would not get a chance.
So decades of creating these negative thoughts in my brain have hard wired it to the point that I automatically have these negative feelings about much of what I do. Any time I do something, I naturally react negatively towards it. Therefore, I feel bad about myself and lack confidence much of the time.
I have never had major panic attacks but from what I have heard and learned, they are pretty much adrenaline rushes. Chemically, they are the same as a rush of excitement. The difference is the feeling attached to it or the context of the adrenaline rush. Many times panic attacks or anxiety attacks or general feelings of fear or even sadness can be induced by thoughts. You see something happen and you react to it or think about it. These reactions or thoughts in the brain produce the chemicals that create that "attack" or the feelings of fear, sadness and so on.
With that in mind, you can control your feelings. I have been doing this by thinking negative thoughts about myself on purpose leading to low self-esteem and lack of confidence or general feelings of fear and sadness. What I should be doing is forcing positive thoughts in my head. I need to get to the point of making this routine. These positive thoughts will produce the chemicals that create happiness and confidence. The adrenaline rush would then have a more positive context to it and feel more like a roller coaster than a panic attack.
But let me tell you this won't be easy. The logical, left brain dominated self that am I will analyze things to a point of pure negative and not allow those positive chemicals to flow. The Huey Karma will have its way with me. The hard wired brain that is my head will be a tough one to plow through.
For now, I am going to try to recite positive attributes I consider myself to have each morning. I am going to use my dad's technique of pounding my heart and saying, "Today's gonna be a good day." Hopefully, this will foster a more general sense of confidence and self-esteem. I highly recommend you to join me.
Like Guy Smiley on the old SNL skits......."and dawgonit, people like me!"
Friday, June 27, 2008
Questioning and Fear
While I continue to grieve I find myself asking myself numerous questions. But I also find myself succumbing to a state of paranoia. I wonder if Fear is another stage of grieving or if it is just a natural thing for me personally and this experience is bringing it out.
Obviously, I am questioning the after life and the idea of the soul. These are topics I have been questioning already with an intention to be objective and not swayed by what I want to believe or allowing emotion to fog my thinking. This time I am affected by emotion.
I am also trying to find meaning in this experience. I question whether there really is meaning in things. Do coincidences happen for a reason? Is there a "higher power" dictating things? I still do not think so. I want to believe in a God. I believe there is a force that one can call God that connects us all. But I don't think this force is a puppeteer. I don't think it directly guides us or makes things happen. I think we guide ourselves. I think we determine whether coincidences have meaning or not. I think we determine whether something is a message or not. I think we are all connected in an eternally intricate 3-D maybe 4-D web with all living things. Everything we do affects everything else and ourselves. Everything everyone else does affects us in some way big or small. There is no beginning or end to this massive, complicated web. So naturally, as countless things happen to us all the time and may seem connected to other things, they are since they are part of the same web. We can attribute these things to other things happening or not. We can decide to use these things as "messages" or guides.....or not.
But the Fear. The fear is what scares me. Oh really you say, fear makes you afraid? You are bonafide genius! The irrational fear I am feeling is not right. I already would worry about ridiculous stuff after my daughter's episodes. Now this experience is only reinforcing this behavior or thinking. I question if this is natural or if this is unique. What should I do to ease the fear? How do I address it and move on from it in a healthy manner?
Obviously, I am questioning the after life and the idea of the soul. These are topics I have been questioning already with an intention to be objective and not swayed by what I want to believe or allowing emotion to fog my thinking. This time I am affected by emotion.
I am also trying to find meaning in this experience. I question whether there really is meaning in things. Do coincidences happen for a reason? Is there a "higher power" dictating things? I still do not think so. I want to believe in a God. I believe there is a force that one can call God that connects us all. But I don't think this force is a puppeteer. I don't think it directly guides us or makes things happen. I think we guide ourselves. I think we determine whether coincidences have meaning or not. I think we determine whether something is a message or not. I think we are all connected in an eternally intricate 3-D maybe 4-D web with all living things. Everything we do affects everything else and ourselves. Everything everyone else does affects us in some way big or small. There is no beginning or end to this massive, complicated web. So naturally, as countless things happen to us all the time and may seem connected to other things, they are since they are part of the same web. We can attribute these things to other things happening or not. We can decide to use these things as "messages" or guides.....or not.
But the Fear. The fear is what scares me. Oh really you say, fear makes you afraid? You are bonafide genius! The irrational fear I am feeling is not right. I already would worry about ridiculous stuff after my daughter's episodes. Now this experience is only reinforcing this behavior or thinking. I question if this is natural or if this is unique. What should I do to ease the fear? How do I address it and move on from it in a healthy manner?
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