The Day After Christmas

December 26th was the worst day of the year growing up. It was the "morning after" before I had any idea what the morning after meant. It was the the low after the high.

Weeks of intense anticipation for Christmas day and the gifts I would receive and the Dad's Diner breakfast we would eat came to a crashing, sudden halt on this day each year.

The morning of December 26th brought the reality of the ugly, cold weather outside. There were no more green and red sugar cookies. The tree didn't have the same glow. The gifts were already boring and sometimes broken. Christmas songs weren't enjoyable anymore, just annoying. It was still too early to call your friends. The whole vibe was completely lost.

Throughout life I realized this sudden loss of happiness would happen more often than one day a year. Every high had its equal low immediately after.

The morning after my wedding. The rest of the day after my graduations. The morning after numerous parties. The day after vacations.

This came to mind as I spent this evening with my wife. In our crazy, wild life, this meant sitting in front of the TV while the kids were sleeping watching her "stories." Yes, fatigue gets the best of you in this profession of ours.

At the end of her show, the typical resolution came about and the protagonist learned the moral of her story. Yes, it is important to maintain your relationship with your mother.

Hey. I didn't say it was my show. I said it was "her stories." There is no football to be found on Tuesday nights and baseball has been dead to me since the Indians flamed out in, errrrrr, April.

Everything was nicely wrapped up and all loose ends tied when I thought to myself, "What next?"

I'll tell you what next: the low, depressing feeling that comes after the dramatic moments of your life end, but life goes on.

December 26th comes next.

The Bad In Life Is Good

I sat in a rush hour traffic jam this evening thinking about a number of different things including how odd it is for me to say, "Think of how far I've come?" I was thinking of my personal well being and happiness.

I felt it is odd because the answer varies based on how long of a span within your life you look.

For example: If I compare my life now to 2003 and 2004, my life has come a tremendously long way back from some very dark times to some very happy times. But if I compare my life now to my years in college and soon thereafter, it is about the same. I was pretty happy and content with my life back then too. So I haven't come a long way at all.

Like Obi Won Kanobi said in Jedi, "It's all a matter of how you look at it." That's the quote as I remember it anyway.

Then I thought how I can easily identify the worst time of my life. The worst moment. The worst experience. The worst year. But I can't pinpoint my single best moment, experience or year.

What was better? My wedding? The birth of my daughters? The 1997 Rose Bowl with my Dad? Graduations? First kiss or any other firsts?

I'm extremely fortunate to have a number of experiences that can be thrown in a steel cage match of sorts to battle it out for the top spot.

This led me to comparing my nightmare of 2003-2004 with the dreadful years in middle school. Those middle school "issues" I dealt with seem so petty and overblown in comparison to the heavy stuff I dealt with later. Yet I handled myself so much better through the stress of 03-04. Obviously, being an adult with more perspective helped.

If I looked back on my life in the midst of my family falling apart before my eyes in health and status to my years of near depression in 8th grade, would I have felt I came a long way?

Today's vantage point would lead me to believe that yes, I have come a long way. In fact, it was those two periods of my life that have truly defined who I am. I needed my daughter's health issue to wake me up and force me to grow up and demonstrate better responsibility as a father. This is not to say I was a bad father at that time. It is to say that this experience has brought out the best in me.

The end of my marriage needed to happen for my well being and happiness and I sincerely believe it has led to a better life for my ex and our daughter. Forcing that marriage to continue would have led to a life of indifference and resentment. We have all moved on and have grown to a point that is much more healthy today. There is still more work to be done, but if there wasn't then what will I look to in the future to measure how far I have come from now?

More validation came in the summer of 2008. I dealt with two losses in my life. My grandmother passed and my unborn daughter to be passed away. These experiences happened so close together in May and June that much of the emotion blurs together. But as I left that summer, I had this calm, soothing feeling in my soul. The grieving I did that summer took me to place I needed to be. It was a place I wouldn't have been had I not learned and grown from the other hardships.

One could conceivably say that those worst periods of my life have been the best. The strength they required and the maturity I showed have provided proof that I am a better person than I often think. I used to worry I would fold in tough times. But I can now say I know I won't. I know I didn't in the past.

Tough times don't last. Tough people do.

I'll never think or act like I'd win a fist fight. But I can handle the mental battles that life brings. I can outlast hardship. And I can do what it takes to regain my well-being and happiness.

I can because I did.

Finally, I realize my difficulty pales in comparison to many troubles others have. By no means do I attempt to compare myself to them or compete with them for who has had tougher times. I doubt I could handle many of the things others have dealt with throughout history or around the world as we speak. If anything, my experiences have taught me just how much respect and admiration I have for people dealing with much tougher stresses than I have dealt with in my life.

Quick Thinking

I have mentioned this before but I thought I would quickly repeat it before I go to bed tonight.

When I think of smart people I know, I realize there is something they have in common. This thing is the admission of their ignorance. They realize how little they know despite the obvious fact that they are really intelligent.

So one could hypothesize that intelligence is the realization of one's ignorance. Or that being smart demonstrates to one's self how "unsmart" they are.

When you realize how little you really know, you finally begin to become truthfully smart or intelligent. People who think they know everything or close to everything, really are the dumb, ignorant ones.

These are thoughts in my head and I am curious what others think about it.

Mourning Mallory

It feels like my life has come to a point of closure. Recently, my wife and I experienced a difficult period that I have documented often in this blog. We lost a baby late in the pregnancy to triploidy. It is a freak chromosomal disorder that has always been fatal for the fetus.

We both have worked hard to grieve appropriately and deal with the emotional roller coaster that accompanies a loss such as this. Fortunately, this experience doesn't have any lasting physical problems so we have been able to continue our lives as planned.

We now approach the one year anniversary of the event. At this year mark we have a beautiful baby girl. We are celebrating this joyous experience with sleep deprivation and plenty of diaper changes and feedings. These events present their own challenges believe it or not, but each one is graciously welcomed.

So now I reflect on the past year with all that has happened and wonder to myself if I should put the loss to rest. But I don't want to let this go. I fear that moving on would distant myself from the memory of Mallory even though there was never really a physical memory. I recall the weeks following the loss and how determined I was to make sure we didn't sweep it under the rug. My gut was telling me that I needed to make a big deal about the loss.

I still question if that is appropriate. Plenty of couples lose babies. One thing I learned from the experience was that the number of babies that are lost is surprisingly high. A number of women lose numerous babies before they finally have a successful birth. I lost count of the women in our lives that came out of the woodwork and told us their own stories of lost babies.

They remained silent about these losses. If this is the case and many of them don't mourn their losses, does this mean I am blowing this out of proportion? Is my effort to remain so open about my experience a cry for attention? Am I making a big deal over nothing? Am I too sensitive? Is this something I should let go?

I'll be the first to admit I crave attention. Isn't this blog really an example of me crying out, "Look at me! Listen to me! Watch me!" I think everybody enjoys positive attention at some level whether or not they'll admit it openly or even to ourselves.

So is this a function of that craving?

I do know that in my private moments, I have been emotional over the loss. I really did carry the burden for awhile and throughout the successful pregnancy, I would revisit the memory of the loss in a fearful or saddened way. I didn't always publicize those moments. I would share them with my wife, but she was my partner in this experience.

My wife refers to our daughter as our "miracle baby" because of the loss. She feels it is time to put the loss behind us and has said it is OK to let go of the mourning.

I, on the other hand, still feel that ending the mourning would be one more step to forgetting Mallory. It is all I have of her. My brother and his wife are so generous and caring. They gave my wife and me two gifts. One for the new baby and one to remember Mallory. It meant the world to me. I felt like it gives me a tangible memory of Mallory and I could begin to let go without erasing her. But here I am still wanting to hold on to the sadness. I'm still afraid that letting go would erase Mallory.

Another thought I had was to tattoo her name somewhere hidden on myself. I would then have a tangible way to keep her with me forever. But this would make a hypocrite out of me since I have major issues with the trendy tattoo thing that has risen over the last decade or so. Also, if I did this, I feel I would need to add my two living children and then I would be approaching NBA player level. Wait. No, until I have body ink crawling up my neck and down my arms, I'll be OK.

Maybe my newborn is my closure. She may represent what Mallory would be. Maybe she represents what Mallory is. But I do not want to put that on her. I don't want my youngest daughter to live her life carrying the memory of someone else. I want her to be her own unique person to me. I recall a good friend of mine whose twin was lost at birth. We have discussed this subject manner in the past and his opinion would be worth hearing. I am curious if he feels like he was carrying the memory of his brother throughout his life and if that was a positive or negative thing.

This is a joyous time in my life. I have had numerous setbacks over the past several years and it feels like I am beginning to climb my way back to the surface. This is a time I should be celebrating all the joy, not dragging out the pain. I just can't leave this behind me.

Life is not about the destination but the journey right?

So cliche!

Basketball Is Life

This is not a sports post so Carrie and Michelle can continue reading, I promise. The whole Basketball is Life metaphor may have been done already (see One Tree Hill...I don't, I just heard about it from my sister and observe my wife's passing interest in it), but I thought I'd give my spin on this metaphor.

They say the NBA is a game of runs. One team may jump out to a big lead but you know that their opponent will make a spirited comeback at some point. The ability to counter that comeback determines whether that initial leads holds or not.

In addition, anyone who has played basketball for an extended period of time has noticed that they have days where anything they throw in the air goes through the hoop and then without explanation nothing goes in no matter how easy, open or close they are to the hoop. It is a great feeling to be in the zone as it is called and play with all the confidence in the world. On the flip side, it may be the most frustrating feeling to do everything right and still be unable to make one stinking shot.

Teams can experience the same phenomenon. They can "click" on all cylinders passing the ball crisply and accurately, getting easy shots and making them as well as grabbing every rebound on both ends of the court and staying in the face of their opponent every time they try to shoot. Their energy can seem to be at full power and unending. Then before that very same game is over, they find themselves sputtering and stagnant, unable to do what they want and are usually capable of doing. The very same team in the very same arena playing the very same opponent on the very same day.

Life is like this.

You have periods where you feel like you can do no wrong. Whatever you say or do and feel is right. Without even trying, you ace a test or you understand a concept you are learning in school. Maybe you accomplish a task at work with ease. You walk up to that girl or guy and say the perfect thing that attracts them and accurately demonstrates the awesome person you are. You feel good and do good things as a result. People shower you with praise and adulation. You feel like you can conquer the world! If only more people listened to you, the world would be a better place for all! You should write a book about how to live life.

Then without notice or anticipation, BAM! Nothing seems to go right. You stumble over yourself with that girl or guy you met only last week. You fail a test at school or just can't grasp the concept your teacher is presenting no matter how much you read, listen or study (Exhibit A: My attempt at a Math major and the immediate inability to make it through the last course of calculus). You screw up a major task at work and you let down your fellow workers and boss. You say things you regret to people you care about. You feel downright angry and pitiful. "How did this happen?" you wonder. I might be the worst person who every walked this planet. Everything goes wrong for me. And the pity party begins.

But most of the game is made up of a back and forth of buckets or missed shots on the offensive end and buckets or stops on the defensive end. Outside of a random dunk or blocked shot, a good day or bad day, most of the events go unnoticed soon after they occur. The runs are what stick in your head.

I would like to think that I haven't reached halftime of my game yet. I hope I am somewhere in the second quarter. So the outcome of my game is far from determined. There is a lot of game left to be played and I still can make some halftime adjustments.

I don't want to lose my game. I want to win.

Right now, I feel as though my opponent is going on one of those runs. I started out of the gate pretty quick. I took an early lead. My teammates set me up and I have been carrying my share for most of this quarter. But I am starting to have a hard time. I can't buy a bucket right now. Every rebound is bouncing their way. Each time I think I get a stop, I get called for a foul. I am trying to stick to the fundamentals and do what I was taught and what I learned on my own, but nothing seems to be working. I can't stop the other squad from scoring and they are getting easy points in the paint. They are out hustling me. They are just too physical for me right now.

I have tried to take my timeouts effectively, but even those are unable to stop the bleeding. Part of the reason may be the fact that I don't have a coach. I am getting lost out here. What has worked for me up until now isn't working. The coach I had didn't see eye to eye with me. I didn't feel as though I needed to conform to the coach but I needed to find a coach that would fall in line with me.

I am worried the deficit I am finding myself under is too much to overcome. But I do NOT want to lose. I am too damn competitive to lose this game. I must find a way to make a run of my own. If I can cut the deficit to single digits before halftime, I'll feel better. I just need some shots to start going. I need a rebound or two to bounce my way or my teammates' way. If I can get a second chance shot, I know I'll drill it. Or I'll get it to someone who will.

One thing I have learned from living life and watching basketball: The ball doesn't just bounce your way, you have to go get it.

How I Met Your Mommy

Baby we are still over three months from my first opportunity to meet you. But I have been thinking a lot about you. Last night I thought I would write about how your mother and I met. Really, this meeting was the beginning of a long series of events that have led to your existence.

Even though we both grew up in northeast Ohio and watched the same local celebrities, followed the same local sports teams, rode on the same local highways and roads and dealt with the same weather when we were kids, your mom and I didn't meet until we were both students at Ohio State in Columbus. Ohio State runs in your blood, baby. Your uncle Doug, Grandpa Hoyt, Great Grandpa Matthews are all Buckeyes.

My roommate and a coworker needed players for an intra-mural softball team and as you will find out growing up, your daddy doesn't say no to playing softball. Your mommy lived on the same floor as my roommate's coworker and also chose to play. On a cloudy late March day with snow falling, your mom and I played catch to warm up before the game started.

In an effort to break the ice with your beautiful mother, I opened the conversation with the natural question of "Where are you from?" Once she responded, "Brecksville" I had my in. From there we discussed the disparity in radio quality between Cleveland and Columbus. Some may debate that quality radio is an oxymoron but that will have to wait for another post.

Baby, the chemistry that existed in that very new conversation was for real. Over the next months your mom and I played softball together on a weekly basis. The coming summer meant she would head home while I stayed in Columbus. Instead of losing touch with one another, a funny thing happened that summer. We continued to talk on the phone weekly. We shared what was going on in our lives and we even met up to hang out in Cleveland.

In the coming years baby, your mom and I took two very different paths. Even though lifestyles and locations seemed to differ greatly, sometimes a whole country apart, we never lost touch. There was a reason for this.

Baby, Mommy and I both hit moments in our lives where we needed some support. Not coincidentally your mother and I found each other. Our friendship quickly turned into a commitment that will span the rest of our lives. It has created a bond that has become stronger every passing day and every passing event both good and bad. It also created an opportunity for us to share you.

I look forward to meeting you face to face, baby. This day has been a long time coming.

Birthday Post Hal Lebovitz Style

Hal Lebovitz was a sports writer for the News Herald, the local newspaper in the county where I grew up. By the time I began reading him religiously he had been around for decades and wrote for other papers (Cleveland News and Cleveland Plain Dealer) prior to my hometown Herald. But each weekend he had a column where he touched on a number of different topics regarding the Cleveland teams or other worthwhile, interesting tidbits about the sports world at that time. This was a part of my Sundays that I cherished. We would get home from church and I made a mad dash to the Sunday News Herald to see what Hal had to say. My earlier intentions to be a sportswriter for a career stemmed from this experience.

So today I am using his Sunday format to cover a number of topics I have wanted to touch in this blog but haven't had the time to address. I have some serious catching up to do. My birthday present to myself is this post with the Georgia v. Georgia Tech game on to my right and my ipod blasting a variety of favorite tunes to my left.

Here we go....I hope you enjoy and comment on one or more:

My Dark Period
I have been pretty open about my recent downturn in mood and feeling. Mostly it has been despair, sadness and worry. But underneath these emotions there is a lot of anger brewing. I can feel it come out over little things. I explode over things I should brush off. I get easily frustrated and aggravated. I have been examining the reasons why. I am trying to connect the dots and get to the core issue I must be dealing with so I can fix it.

I keep coming back to one point. This point is that I do not stick up for myself. My wife even recognizes it and has mentioned it. She says that by not defending myself I am accepting things as true. I'll be the first to admit I have a problem with confrontation. I hate it. As a result I have taken a lot of emotional punishment without doing anything about it and then internalized it way too much. Then I feel worse about being too much of a coward to stand up and confront my confrontation fear. I think much of my anger may be coming from this.

In the past I have tried to stick up for myself when I felt like I was being pushed around but then I look like a fool because people say I can't take a joke. They say I'm taking things too seriously or I am too emotional or I am overreacting. So the cycle continues and I try to take things as a joke. But then I hear plenty of negative comments and feel horrible about myself.

I want to start calling people out when they say stupid things about me to me. But I don't want to turn into an angry person either. I have tried to practice this idea of "breaking the chain" and not letting someone else's anger towards me create a negative response from me. I wanted to stop passing forward the bad in the world. I wanted to absorb the bad and "be the better person" in an attempt to make the world better. Yes, I realize this is very righteous or pious or whatever but I tried anyway.

Now I see the damage it is doing to me as an individual and I think it is time to unleash the beast. I could go on listing the issues I have with people's wrongful treatment but I have too much more to write. Just get ready. I am working my way to a point where I am going to seem very mean.

Ohio state Football
Believe it or not there are people in Columbus who are blaming Jim Tressel for a disappointing 10-2 season. They blame the coaching for losing to USC and Penn State. I admit the Big Ten is down which means the Buckeyes really didn't have any signature wins this year but c'mon! 10-2 is 10-2. More importantly it is 10-2 after back to back appearances in the BCS Title game. Has anybody seen the mighty LSU's record this year? Granted they are in tougher conference but they didn't beat anybody of any significance. You can't blame it all on LSU's QB drama earlier in the year because their defense stunk it up all year. It is not easy to maintain the kind of success Ohio State has had over the Tressel era. In his 8 years he has won a national title, played for two others, made BCS bowl games 5(maybe 6 if Oregon st loses a game) times, been in a bowl game every year, beaten our rival 7 times, and won or shared the Big Ten title at least 4 times (off the top of my head). Weak conference or not teams are bound for a let down in that time. OSU really has never had a major let down and when there has been one, it lasts one season. During this same period I can only think of USC and Texas (maybe Florida) as teams that have had the same consistent success. Get off Tressel people. We are lucky to have him.

Raising My Kid
I watched the OSU v. Michigan game at the house of a friend of mine. She used to work with me so another colleague from work was there as well. The game was a blowout allowing our conversation to meander away from sports and it found its way to the Bible. My colleague mentioned Proverbs as a good "book" to use with my daughter. This came about because I mentioned how there are a number of values from the Bible that I plan to instill in my child despite my personal issue with it. To clarify this statement I should say that it really isn't the Bible itself that I have a problem with but the people who constantly use it to support their erroneous, hateful and immoral views. The interpretation is the problem more than the book. I would also cite the narrow point of view many people have who use the Bible as the end all, be all reference to morality and goodness.

With all of this said, I am not a Bible hater. I feel there is so much that can be taken from that book like loving thy neighbor as thyself, the ten commandments, turning the other cheek, the idea that power and greed are the root of evil, giving to the poor and needy in spirit as well as more worldly needs, the importance to fight temptation and reality of it, making sacrifices and prayer. These and many more principles are concepts I find very valuable. While my daughter gets fed many things from the Bible on her mother's side, I am not going to fight it. Instead I want to make sure I direct it. She will NOT grow up thinking slavery is justified or homosexuality is immoral even though the Bible "says so." She WILL be allowed to speak up in church or to her husband. She doesn't need to grow up thinking she has to be submissive to her partner because the Bible "said so." I could go on.

My goal is to teach her these positive values of the Bible and to help as best I can to get her to understand the Bible was written in a variety of contexts and these contexts affected what was written. It is much like politics in that the different books were written to particular audiences with particular goals in mind. These things need to be considered when reading the Bible. I also want her to feel free to explore other religions and their teachings. Many times these other ways of thinking can provide a clearer point of view for someone. There are also numerous parallels. I continue to explore Buddhism and find similarities. Meditation and prayer are both important components of Christianity and Buddhism as well as sacrifice. I want my kid to feel free to discover this for herself. If I have any say in the matter, she will not be pigeon holed in one discipline.

Being a Moderate
My wife and I had a fantastic conversation on the ride up to our families for the holiday celebrating thanks (and genocide through small pox and violence). She is a die hard liberal and is very proud of it. She wants her values and beliefs to fall on the left side of the ledger every time. She believes that is the correct way of thinking.

Most of the time I fall on her side of things. But not always. This is where the conversation got interesting. As we discussed different issues, she proved her dedication and loyalty to liberalism. I, on the other hand, demonstrated that I have no urge whatsoever to be placed in one particular category. I don't like being labeled liberal or conservative (contrary to a friend's belief that I support liberal issues only because it is "cool" and I want to be liberal because my college professors influenced me and my peers to be). I don't want to be put in a box like that. When I determine my stance on different topics, issues or whatever I like to examine them on their own merit and particular circumstances. I then try to base my stance on my own value system. Whether it is conservative or liberal doesn't matter to me. While I do admit I fall on the liberal side more often than not, I wouldn't call myself that at all. That is fine.

What is most interesting about this is that I try to take things on a case by case basis so I can make sure I am consistent in terms of my personal values as opposed to my political stance, but sometimes it creates contradictions. So in an effort to avoid contradictions I am actually creating contradictions within my views or opinions.

John Brown

I continue to read "Lies My Teacher Told Me: What American History Textbooks Got Wrong" by James Loewen. I recently finished a section about John Brown and his treatment or lack thereof in our textbooks. I find this man and his story fascinating. In high school textbooks he is described as this crazed, militant abolitionist. Loewen even shows two pictures of him (pg 177) with one normal portrait next to a wild, long haired, long bearded man with a crazed look in his eye. According to Loewen, he was a well spoken, well read, intelligent man who proved so in his words during his trial for treason as well as his letters to his family and in his diary. He was well aware of the contradiction our country was demonstrating through slavery. He also knew of the inner struggle we were dealing with in regards to it. He wrote just before his execution that the only way these "crimes" of slavery would be "purged" from our country would be "with blood." (pg 175) As we know, it took the bloody Civil War to finally put an end to slavery.

In 1854 the Kansas-Nebraska Act tried to deal with slavery by leaving the decision to those who settled there. Farmers from the North rushed in to establish it a "free soil" state while most Southern slave owners didn't make the move. But a number of slave owners from Missouri would cross the border to intimidate and terrorize the settlers in an effort to sway things towards slavery. (Loewen p. 173-174) Brown, an abolitionist with family in Kansas, countered by attacking and killing a number of these "terrorists." Later, Brown led a slave revolt in Harper's Ferry, Virginia where he would be caught by Robert E. Lee, eventually tried and hanged for treason.

What is interesting here is that history textbooks up to as late as the 1970s and some even later, painted Brown as the bad guy. They would even go as far as stating the slaves didn't want to revolt despite the evidence that Loewen presents to the contrary. This is a southern justification for slavery that I have noticed in other parts of the book. There seemed to be a consistent attempt to convince us that slaves actually did not mind being enslaved. While I don't specifically remember being taught this, the textbooks being used across the country during my years in school were openly presenting this idea of acceptance of slavery by the slaves themselves.

What the textbooks miss out on is bringing American History alive by presenting John Brown in a way that can demonstrate the very real inner struggle our country has been dealing with for centuries regarding slavery and racism. There were so many economic issues and states rights issues that played roles in the Civil War too but they were tied into the prevailing racism that took place and still takes place today. High school students could have some unbelievably interesting and enlightening discussions about race and slavery if we would look at people like John Brown and his ideas, beliefs and questionable actions to promote and support those thoughts. Abraham Lincoln was a great president who really did want to eradicate slavery from our country and knew it was a BIG cause of and factor in the Civil War, but he too struggled with his personal racism. On one hand he referred to African Americans as "niggers" but on the other he felt guilty and sick about seeing slaves shackled on a train he rode. Nobody wants to see the racial slurs Lincoln used or hear about Washington and Jefferson owning slaves, cheating on their wives or in Jefferson's case being an atheist. But I think we can present these "heroes" to our high school students in a way that demonstrates their flaws and shows how they accomplished a good bit despite their shortcomings and how these contradictions created interesting situations and discussion points. It doesn't need to be this pure, constant line of progress because it wasn't. Our history has had its ups and downs, progress and set backs, successes and failures and they all have affected how things are today.

LeBron James in 2010
Charles Barkley was on a radio show and called out James in regards to his open dialogue about possibly playing in New York in 2010. He said LeBron should not be so open about it. He plays for the Cavs and will for two more seasons and needs to quit talking about the Knicks or Nets. James responded by calling Barkley "stupid."

I am finding myself more and more anti-LeBron. It is hard to do. He is so, very good, plays for my team and seems like a good guy. But I will not be held hostage by him and I am getting tired of this game. No player should be bigger than the team. Even LeBron. I have been worried about this happeneing. This is one of the things I hated about Jordan. He became bigger than the Bulls. In fact the NBA as a whole fell out of graces with me as a result. Then the new generation of stars came about. Among them, James who seemed like a team first guy on the court. Combine that with being on my team and I was fine with James and his Jordanesque persona.

Now I am getting tired of it. At first, I wanted to write about how the national media needs to shut up about NYC and LeBron and buy a clue that Cleveland is also putting themselves in position to sign LeBron in 2010. They will be in the BEST position to re-sign him to be honest. But we don't hear that on ESPN. Also, we will have enough to get ANOTHER stud that is available that year. ESPN, FOX and other national media outlets won't tell you that.

Instead, I almost want James gone. I don't want to contribute to the "player bigger than the team" concept. Correct or incorrect, true or false....that is what's stupid Mr. James.

(This Georgia v. Ga Tech rivalry game has been pretty fun to watch....especially the second half.)

The End Justifies The Means?

Are you a believer in the old saying, "The end justifies the means?" I think I am. There are limits of course. I believe each situation is unique and needs to be examined on a case by case basis. What about when rule breaking comes into the picture?

On the morning of The Game I should be blogging about this rivalry game between Ohio State and nagihcim. In fact I should have been all week like my buddy did here. But I have had heavier things on my brain of late. Regardless of that team's horrible record this game is still important and big and anyone can win. In fact it would not surprise one bit if that team came down here and beat us due to this very fact and that the whole world isn't giving them a chance. Despite this, I am consumed with other things, so let's continue:

I am curious what people think about this concept of the end justifying the means. I am widely considered a good person. I think that I am. I try to do things that are "right" and "good." My relationship with my daughter's mother is an example of my efforts to "be the better man" and put any and all bitterness behind me. So much of what I do regarding my kid is based in what is right more than what I want even though I admit I haven't held true to this every time. I try to be good not perfect.

I find myself in a position right now where I can do something that is beneficial in my mind for someone I love dearly. The issue here is that it breaks the rules. I am 100% aware that I would break these rules to do this. I know exactly what I am doing and have no hesitation to do it. I feel no guilt whatsoever. Honesty is important, but in this case, I don't mind being dishonest. I am willing to pay the consequences....assuming these consequences are what I think they are. (In the words of former Cardinals' head coach Dennis Green: "They are who we thought they were...AND WE LET THEM OFF THE HOOK!!")

I firmly believe in this case that the end justifies the means. Nobody is technically getting hurt. Nobody is benefiting in a superficial, shallow way. The benefit is life altering for the better (if I could only be more dramatic, geez) without any real harm being done to get it. It is something that is done all the time for nothing more than convenience. In my case, it is not for convenience but something deeper. But of course, anyone who breaks a rule or law has their own justification for it. In their mind, they are right. What is it about mine that is more justified than theirs? Rules and laws are there for a reason, right? Plus, I am not saying that I am not breaking any rules, I admit I am. I'm saying my case trumps those rules. I choose not to get into details publicly, but my logic here is sound. I have thought this through and feel comfortably justified in this logic.

Now, no decision has been made. There are other options. I plan to study every option. My fear is that these other options are not attainable. Therefore, I am setting my sights on this "rule breaking" option. There is still a good bit of time ahead and calls to be made and ideas to be hatched before I make a decision. I also need to let go of my controlling nature and allow other vested interests get their say. But for the sake of discussion, does the end justify the means to you? Do I forfeit my "good guy" badge for intentionally breaking the rules even when I feel there is a greater purpose here? Do I get a mulligan here and allow myself to be dishonest.

I think so.

Above all, my loved ones come first. Even before honesty and rule following.

Just Tie Your Shoes!

The other day I noticed a student had their shoes untied. This could lead to some unfortunate things like falling down the stairs and getting seriously hurt or beginning an escalating series of events between students ultimately ending in a fight and missed class time as well as another headache for me and administration to deal with that doesn't involve educating our youth which we are primarily paid to do.

You may think I am making too much of a simple untied shoe, but after a decade in the classroom you learn how "little thing" lead to big things more often than not. In this case, a loose shoe string may be stepped on by another student intentionally or unintentionally angering the student with the untied shoe. This leads to words of frustration towards the "culprit" creating a response that is rarely positive. Next thing you know people are talking about the other's mother and pushes follow with punches next and we end up with some conference in the office over all this stuff that has nothing to do with an untied shoe.

But to be completely honest, when I told the girl that her shoe laces were untied and she should tie them, I was thinking it was just a safe thing to do. I didn't want her face first in the ground at some point.

Well, God forbid I tell another person to do something!!! The look of disdain and complete resistance I received from this child was out of line. By no means was I disrespectful to this child. In fact. I thought I was helping her. How do I deserve this?

Here is my other problem: Let's say I didn't say anything. Or let's say I didn't persist until she finally tucked the lace in her shoe (mainly because a peer finally stepped in and said the obvious, "Just do it, it's not that big of a deal"). If she did end up tripping and falling down the stairs or getting in a fight because another kid stepped on the lace while she tried to take a step, who would mom or dad come barreling into school to blame? Me. Or her teacher. Or the principal. Oh, that wouldn't happen all the time, Huey. Uh, well, it happens a lot. It happens often at my school anyway and has for 9+ years at least. The majority of the time a student gets in a fight, the parent storms in and wants to know how we disciplined the other party in the fight. Their main focus is not on holding their child accountable for their part in the altercation, but in keeping us in check and making sure we are fair. It goes back to the lack of trust in our schools and the disconnect between parents and teachers.

I can only look at me. I can only control me. I need to focus on what I am doing. So i need to make sure I am putting forth the effort to communicate with parents from day one to help create the connection myself. There are things I can and need to do to fix this kind of problem. But to be honest, when I get the treatment from those students like this on a daily basis I just lose my motivation. I internalize the negative feelings I just received and feel horrible and downright apathetic. It becomes that much harder to go the extra mile. And I have a family. I want to spend my evenings with my wife and daughter. I need to spend time with them.

This is what cuts to the core of my displeasure with the current state of affairs in my life right now. I am tired of doing the right thing, or trying to, and somehow getting blamed for other people's lack of effort or resistance to me. I am tired of the resistance period. But then to get that resistance reinforced, frustrates me even more.

I mean, all I am doing is telling someone to do something that will benefit them! Why am I the bad guy here?

Positive Affirmations

Recently I learned something new about our behavior and feelings. I hope it is going to change the way I view things or think of things. The power of thought is much more powerful than I anticipated. In a round about sort of way I may have already known this but never acknowledged it. Now, it is time to address it and use it for good and not evil.

I was aware of the chemicals and hormones racing through our bodies all the time. These chemicals dictate how we feel and react to things. They play a major role if not THE role in our perception of reality. These are the things that make me feel there is no God or a puppeteer like God. Today is not that kind of blog post though. These chemicals can be triggered by the thoughts we create in our heads. Therefore, we can control our feelings to a certain degree through our thoughts. I don't mean to be so cut and dry and make this out to be an easy task. This is obviously easier said then done or our whole world would be quite different and the need for counselors and therapists would be much smaller.

Throughout my life I was fortunate to have two parents who made it a point to compliment me and avoid too much negativity. Of course, I still had to find a problem with that as I progressed through adolescence. My poor parents couldn't win. They managed to avoid being those overbearing, negative parents killing their kids confidence and self-esteem and did everything they could to build it up and I STILL complained about their parenting. My issues were that I would have a false sense of accomplishment and so I made it a point to cut myself down and ignore and positive remarks they gave me. To this day I have a hard time taking compliments even though I cherish every little one and starve for them. I usually find ways to rationalize how the compliment is not true or too positive. I can't just leave well enough alone and say thank you. Also, I am so afraid of getting insulted or criticized that I try to cut myself down first to avoid any criticism from someone else. I figured if I got the first punch in, the others would not get a chance.

So decades of creating these negative thoughts in my brain have hard wired it to the point that I automatically have these negative feelings about much of what I do. Any time I do something, I naturally react negatively towards it. Therefore, I feel bad about myself and lack confidence much of the time.

I have never had major panic attacks but from what I have heard and learned, they are pretty much adrenaline rushes. Chemically, they are the same as a rush of excitement. The difference is the feeling attached to it or the context of the adrenaline rush. Many times panic attacks or anxiety attacks or general feelings of fear or even sadness can be induced by thoughts. You see something happen and you react to it or think about it. These reactions or thoughts in the brain produce the chemicals that create that "attack" or the feelings of fear, sadness and so on.

With that in mind, you can control your feelings. I have been doing this by thinking negative thoughts about myself on purpose leading to low self-esteem and lack of confidence or general feelings of fear and sadness. What I should be doing is forcing positive thoughts in my head. I need to get to the point of making this routine. These positive thoughts will produce the chemicals that create happiness and confidence. The adrenaline rush would then have a more positive context to it and feel more like a roller coaster than a panic attack.

But let me tell you this won't be easy. The logical, left brain dominated self that am I will analyze things to a point of pure negative and not allow those positive chemicals to flow. The Huey Karma will have its way with me. The hard wired brain that is my head will be a tough one to plow through.

For now, I am going to try to recite positive attributes I consider myself to have each morning. I am going to use my dad's technique of pounding my heart and saying, "Today's gonna be a good day." Hopefully, this will foster a more general sense of confidence and self-esteem. I highly recommend you to join me.

Like Guy Smiley on the old SNL skits......."and dawgonit, people like me!"

Questioning and Fear

While I continue to grieve I find myself asking myself numerous questions. But I also find myself succumbing to a state of paranoia. I wonder if Fear is another stage of grieving or if it is just a natural thing for me personally and this experience is bringing it out.

Obviously, I am questioning the after life and the idea of the soul. These are topics I have been questioning already with an intention to be objective and not swayed by what I want to believe or allowing emotion to fog my thinking. This time I am affected by emotion.

I am also trying to find meaning in this experience. I question whether there really is meaning in things. Do coincidences happen for a reason? Is there a "higher power" dictating things? I still do not think so. I want to believe in a God. I believe there is a force that one can call God that connects us all. But I don't think this force is a puppeteer. I don't think it directly guides us or makes things happen. I think we guide ourselves. I think we determine whether coincidences have meaning or not. I think we determine whether something is a message or not. I think we are all connected in an eternally intricate 3-D maybe 4-D web with all living things. Everything we do affects everything else and ourselves. Everything everyone else does affects us in some way big or small. There is no beginning or end to this massive, complicated web. So naturally, as countless things happen to us all the time and may seem connected to other things, they are since they are part of the same web. We can attribute these things to other things happening or not. We can decide to use these things as "messages" or guides.....or not.

But the Fear. The fear is what scares me. Oh really you say, fear makes you afraid? You are bonafide genius! The irrational fear I am feeling is not right. I already would worry about ridiculous stuff after my daughter's episodes. Now this experience is only reinforcing this behavior or thinking. I question if this is natural or if this is unique. What should I do to ease the fear? How do I address it and move on from it in a healthy manner?

Grieving

I remember learning long ago in my psych 101 courses in college and books I read later that when one encounters a traumatic life event they need to go through a process of 5 steps to properly handle it. These steps begin with Shock/Denial and proceed to Anger, Questioning, Sadness or Depression and finally Acceptance. I also remember Bargaining as a step but the basic premise remains with or without it.

Many people don't allow themselves to process through all the steps or to experience some of them fully. Others may get too caught up in a particular step and become obsessed or fixiated. When this happens the harmful effects can last awhile and intrude other parts and people in their lives.

It is good to experience all of them even anger and sadness. I recall stating this at my grandmother's funeral as I spoke during the ceremony. I said the experience was good. I meant that. I meant that the experience we all were sharing was a good one. We were crying, sharing memories and positive attributes about B and creating an energy together progressing through the 5 steps. I vividly recall the feelings of acceptance I had as we left the next day.

While we generally progress through these steps in order, many times we regress back to a prior step before progressing to the next. Sometimes we may fall back several steps just to skip ahead several and vice versa. I find it comforting that regressing in the steps doesn't necessarily mean you are not working your way through the pain properly. I can easily relate to getting angry over things I thought I was accepting or questioning my way through.

The questioning stage can be a very spiritual period of grief. As you ask yourself "why me?" and "how can God let this happen?" you need to avoid the self blame but you find yourself thinking about the after-life, pain and suffering to a point that hopefully progresses you to a place you are trying to get to or strengthening a place where you already are. But once again, getting fixiated on this step may cause more damage than healing.

To those who read this, try to remember during times of hardship that is it ok to feel these five stages. In fact, it is recommended to "do your time" in each stage to help you heal appropriately. Life goes on and so should you.

Time for me to practice what I preach.......

Times of Struggle

I have lived a "blessed life," a term I have heard alot lately. I grew up in a safe neighborhood and household and had many things provided for me with opportunities to earn things and avoid too much of an self-entitled feeling.

But everyone has their cross or crosses to bear and adulthood has now presented me with several. It has been a real test of my intestinal fortitude, mental strength and belief in what is good with this world. I am writing this blog today in an effort to maintain any strength I have. I am really being challenged as my family enters a time where we will have to make some extremely difficult decisions and deal with some major pain and guilt. I choose to blog to help me express my feelings, but I choose to keep the details private and asked loved ones to respect in that in any comments.

What I want to write about though is how times like this really do make you stronger. And they really do have important meaning. This experience along with prior experiences with my daughter have taught me this.

Five years ago to the month I dealt with some scary news. For the first time in my life I had to face adversity head on as a primary decision maker and handle it appropriately. It was not a one day, one event experience. It was something I would have to live with, deal with and handle in a way that was best for my daughter. Since then there have been recurring experiences like this and although they have been worse when you sit down and analyze it, it was much easier for me to handle after the first time through. I have changed almost every aspect of my life as a result of these experiences and would like to think it has mostly been for the better. I haven't run away. I haven't drowned my sorrows in drugs or alcohol or gambling or women or anything like that. But don't think it didn't cross my mind.

Proof that you do get stronger.

Now I am dealing with another horrific situation in my life. Once again I need to transcend this pain and sorrow and help make decisions that will affect the rest of my family's lives. And I am going to have to handle things in the best way. I can't stop crying. I can't stop hurting inside. I am trying really hard not to put blame anywhere, especially myself because that is where it tends to go in my head. But I am struggling.

This time though, I feel like I can do this. I really am drawing on my past experiences and people around me and outlets like this blog to express myself. As usual, I have a supporting cast that anyone would pay millions for. They have proven their love and support in all of their own, unique ways time and time again in the past, so naturally they continue to do so.

So I end this post as I began...."I am living a blessed life." Now if I can just get myself to believe it in this particular instance of tears.

And please let me know when I get dealt a winning hand....PLEASE!

Good Guys vs. Bad Guys

I have noticed something in my first 33 years of life. Being bad is cool. Being good is weak.

Even when someone is the "good guy" there are things about him/her that is bad to try to salvage some respect or credibility. I go back to Star Wars and recall how Han Solo was the cool character while Luke Skywalker was this boyish, naive weaker character who had to grow into his strength. And it took a bad experience or action to get him there. Even then, Solo was still the cool guy everyone wanted to be. Solo was the scoundrel. Luke was pure.

It is much "cooler" or well respected if you are a tough guy that is not good. If somebody represents righteousness they are looked at as weak or naive and unworldly.

Take dating as well. Girls always say they want a good guy and they complain about their bad boyfriends, but at the drop of a dime they will go out with the guy with a dark past or bad background. As I continue with these stereotypes knowing full well there are exceptions to the rule, I may run into issues on the male side. Many times you see the males go for the "good girls." But even in this instance I believe it is because the guys want to stroke their need to be "bad" by being with the "good girl" and therefore coming off as the "bad guy" since they may not be as "good." they may feel some sort of egotistical triumph "conquering" the good girl.

Throughout life you feel this urge to "be bad" or naughty. It can range from harmless to serious. Teenage rebellion is the epitome of this. As a teenager you MUST be bad or rebel against your parents or society or the mainstream-(fill in the blank) to have any sort of credibility. It gets to the point where people are not rebelling because they believe in any sort of thing or because they don't believe in whatever it is they are rebelling against. Instead they are rebelling for the sake of rebelling. In the end they are actually conforming more than rebelling and contradicting themselves entirely.

Before this post get off on a tangent I want to blog about later, let me circle back to the theme here. Being good is boring. Bad is exciting. So as we search for excitement and meaning in life we gravitate to the "bad" guys or the "bad" things.

I grew up identifying with Luke Skywalker and that was my first mistake. I have gone through life trying to be socially acceptable and good at the same time. Therefore, I think I have lost the respect of many people and I am not taken seriously by most people because of this flaw. Think about it. Those of you who know me, do you really think I am a guy you want in your corner in a tough situation? Be careful. Don't take this as a poor me statement and think I want replies listing how you would want me in your corner. Seriously picture yourself in a confrontation and who you'd want there......see? Not me. And I wouldn't either. I'm the guy you call when things are easy. You picture me there when we are at a bar watching the Cavs lose to the Celtics. I'm the guy you think of when you want to talk to somebody about sports. You get my point. When push comes to shove, you want the Han Solo guy. The tough guy. The bad guy.

Of course, as often is the truth, age is the great equalizer. The older we get, the more we realize it is better to be good. We shouldn't smoke anymore. Drugs get you in more trouble than their worth. Drinking to 3 am hurts. Getting in bar fights proves your stupidity more than toughness. Solving your problems in general by fighting is a sign of no intelligence to resolve them better. Bad language is often inappropriate. Kids actually are enjoyable to be around. Helping people feels good. It is important to tell your mom and dad you love them. Lying makes things worse than if you tell the hard truth and deal with the effects. Gossip is for teenyboppers. I could go on.

I don't expect my statements above to be interpreted as holding true with every specific individual. These are generalizations.

Why I Can't Be Buddhist

I still have so much to read regarding Buddhism. But I already know I would never be able to become Buddist myself. Let me try to simply and correctly explain why this is so.

The goal of Buddhism seems to be to reach enlightenment or nirvana. To do this one must eliminate all desires. According to Buddha who became enlightened himself, desire is the root of all suffering. At the core I am completely on board with this thinking. I do not question the validity of his preachings one bit. Where I have a problem is that I cannot give up things I desire. I just cannot.

I look at it this way. A person who has grown up and become very successful and rich is able to understand that the lifestyle they live is limiting. The happiness they feel is superficial and temporary always leading to the need or desire to get more, regain it after it wears out or look for a new pleasure. They realize that if they were to quit these things and simplify their life by giving away their money and unnecessary possessions and devoting themselves to other people instead of parties and shallow pleasures, they would be truly happy and satisfied. Unfortunately they cannot give up those pleasures. Those pleasures no matter how shallow or temporary they are make them happy. They are comfortable with the constant search or struggle with obtaining these pleasures.

That is where I am at. I don't want to give up my sports. I want to have that desire for new CDs. I have said in the past that I don't want to be rich because I could have everything I want and would lose that feeling of NOT having something and wanting it. I said I liked and wanted to continue to have that "want." I liked knowing there are still things out ther I can "get." This seems to be a fundamental contradiction to Buddhism.

I remember my former roommate Rob saying something to this degree once.

One more thing: Those of you reading this from a Christian background as myself may have noticed some parallels between the two theologies. The idea of devoted yourself to more "enlightened" things than superficial, "earthly" desires.

And I may be looking at Buddhism too generally as an outsider to Christianity would look at it too broadly. For instance, much of what I am stating may be meant more for those who choose to be more monastic...those who plan to be monks. Like priests in Catholicism. One could look at some of the "requirements" of priests and generalize them to the common Christian and say, "Hey, no. I'm not interested. That's too dedicated." But actually, if they knew more, they may feel differently and more willing. I, very well, may be at that state.

I definitely have more to read.

State of my Blog and other Tidbits

State of Blog
Well, I started this blog earlier in the year in an effort to write more and avoid annoying people with emails about topics I like to debate or talk about. I also was hoping friends and strangers would browse through and join in with their opinions and perspectives to help me shape mine.

I like what has come of this so much that I am bugging my wife with the time I spend on here and have recently tried to ween myself off a bit to respect her needs. But I am not quitting this blog. Nor does she want me to.

Anyway, I have been sticking to the sports theme a whole lot of late which is cool. That is a huge part of my life. It is what I enjoy the most. I'd be a farce if I came on here saying I want to write about what I think about and enjoy and avoided that subject completely. There is more to me though contrary to popular belief. I think I have shown that with some of the posts I have put on here. I plan to get back to more of that.

Spirituality
Right now, nothing is coming to me to write about and I don't want to force it. Plus, the book I am reading on Buddhism is awfully dry. Not much to really write about. I am enjoying the book as I learn more about this way of life. It still appeals to me greatly. But I haven't had much I can reflect on that others would want to chime in on. That may change as I make my way through the book. I plan to read the Book of Matthew in the Bible after this. My Dad recommended it. I plan to discuss it and the comparison to Buddhism with my Dad, you and those in the blogosphere in the near future.

Education
I am really burned out with my career so my education reflections may be on hold. Plus summer is fast approaching...my "healing" time.

More Fatherhood
I also wanted to add that I love having a daughter and wife. When I hear "My Girl" by the Temptations I have these two beautiful people to think about and appreciate. Can't use that song with a son. Maybe in less than 7 months I'll have a son to experience the same kind of thing with as he grows up. Probably a different song though.



NFL Draft
I am watching the pre-draft special on ESPN and just have to say I love Tom Jackson. I always have. I have fond memories of when he and Chris Berman and Pete Forgot-his-last-name-but-he-has-since-passed began NFL Primetime in the late 80's / early 90s. I loved watching for Browns' highlights. It was the highlight of the weekend, ending it with the memory of a great Cleveland Browns victory. Anyway, this guy is steady and knows his stuff. It is the one thing that keeps me coming back despite the mindless laughing they all keep doing nowadays. For some reason we have to have a comedy up there for the fringe fans. I just want my football with some spontaneous humor from time to time. And I don't need the panelist cracking up all the freaking time.

Oh yeah, and the Browns had a kick ass draft last year with their acclaimed top three picks and the little talked about pick of McDonald at the DB position which made Bodden expendable. And this may sound funny since they don't have any picks the first day, but this year's draft is a good one in my mind because they used the picks to get Brady Quinn last year as well as Corey Williams and Shaun Rogers (who the Bungles tried to get) on the DL where we NEEDED help. More to come on this for sure.


Music
A band I have recently fallen in love with is The Hollies. My brother and dad would play "Bus Stop" in our basement back in the day when we had friends over and it was always a fond memory of mine. They did a great job and it was a cool tune. Later, I was able to parlay their musical talents into a little ditty for my wife at our wedding reception. I rewrote some of the lyrics to fit how my wife and I met and put it to the music of "Bus Stop." My bro and dad played behind me as I sang to my wife who had never heard this version before. Everyone watched. Those of you who know me know I can't sing to save my life and it wasn't pretty. But it was so much fun and I enjoyed every second of it and felt the rush of performing in front of close to 100 people if not more. It was also cool to meet up with my dad and bro to practice leading up to the "show." I enjoyed the bonding.

With that said, in my search to find a copy of "Bus Stop" I realized The Hollies had a number of songs I recognized and enjoyed. In fact I enjoyed them a whole lot! And many of their songs are so different than the others. They have songs like "Bus Stop" and then a more classic rock style "Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress." Then the intimate "Air That I Breathe." The soft rock classic "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother." The bee bop pop style "Carrie Anne" or "Just One Look." And these are just the popular hits. There is so much more about these artists I want to find. Yum, good stuff.

Sense of Humor

I was thinking today: Why is funny funny? What makes things we laugh at funny?

I realize we all have different senses of humor and are amused by different things. But what makes these things amusing? There are all kind of different types of comedy.

I for one enjoy Frank Caliendo and his impersonations. But why are they funny to me? Because they are so much alike the people he is imitating? Why is that funny?

I can't say I am a big fan of slapstick comedy but there are moments that I laugh at someone slipping or bumping into things. Mainly the look on their face is so out of the ordinary that I laugh. But why?

A good joke is funny but why? Is it the clever aspect of it? Is it the combination of the absurd and the real or mundane? Is it insult of it?

Seinfeld was so good at poking fun at the everyday idiosyncrasies of life but why did we laugh? Was it the fact that other people noticed these things too?

Dirty humor is always funny? Why do we laugh at sex and cuss words? Are we nervous about talking or hearing it?

How about cuteness? I have laughed at some of the things my daughter says becasue it is just so darn cute. Why? She makes me smile all the time just being, but still.....why do I laugh?

Whatever the reason, I love to laugh.

Being a Better Person

Lately I have been trying to improve myself. I suppose I always have, but its been more prevalent of late. My wife is a driven woman and gets stuff done. I, on the other hand, have comfortably settled into a lazy state of being. It started in middle school allowing myself to settle for Bs in school so I could somehow (in my mind only) avoid being called a nerd. I still did. I began a pattern of laziness because I could and still get decent grades. I haven't been the same since turning into a underacheiver in many things. Being lazy is also so stinkin' easy!

So living with someone who actually DOES the things on the to do list has been getting in my head. I want to be more like that. I know better though. It can't happen overnight. So I am attempting little things. And easy things. I am trying to exercise more. Read more. Write more (hence, this blog). Drink more water (failing miserably). Spend more engaged time with my daughter. And I am trying to be more calm and positive.

I am really struggling with positivity. I naturally fall into a "poor me" drama anytime I encounter difficult things in life. I also am afraid to say anything positive about myself for fear of hearing how wrong I am and how much I suck. I am supersensitive to these things.

We all talk about things are hard to do but we must do them anyway, but man some things REALLY are. It is hard remarrying with a daughter from a previous marriage. It is hard everyday! It is hard breaking old habits. It is hard everyday! It is hard finding the beauty and love in things in the middle of January, with disrespectful people surrounding you at work. It is hard dealing with people who don't "get it" telling you what to do and how to do it despite the success you may have had before doing it another way. It is hard for me to listen and to trust that maybe I'm wrong. It is hard to see the other side and I try so very hard to do that. I really do.

It is very hard to hear you are wrong. Change is hard. Even change for the good. It is so very difficult to battle with yourself. You know you need to change. You tell yourself you do. Then you fight yourself to do it when you try to do it. What a contradiction! And I hate being a hypocrite. But I am.

So I am going to continue to at least try to keep my life and energy evolving in a positive direction. I am going to try to be more like my wife and DO things I say I am going to do even when it is ME that is stopping me from doing them.

So instead of continuing with this blog I will go grade my quarterly assessments and informational reports like I said I would. Then I can do my report cards this week without being in the usual panic I go into 4 times a year.