Grieving

I remember learning long ago in my psych 101 courses in college and books I read later that when one encounters a traumatic life event they need to go through a process of 5 steps to properly handle it. These steps begin with Shock/Denial and proceed to Anger, Questioning, Sadness or Depression and finally Acceptance. I also remember Bargaining as a step but the basic premise remains with or without it.

Many people don't allow themselves to process through all the steps or to experience some of them fully. Others may get too caught up in a particular step and become obsessed or fixiated. When this happens the harmful effects can last awhile and intrude other parts and people in their lives.

It is good to experience all of them even anger and sadness. I recall stating this at my grandmother's funeral as I spoke during the ceremony. I said the experience was good. I meant that. I meant that the experience we all were sharing was a good one. We were crying, sharing memories and positive attributes about B and creating an energy together progressing through the 5 steps. I vividly recall the feelings of acceptance I had as we left the next day.

While we generally progress through these steps in order, many times we regress back to a prior step before progressing to the next. Sometimes we may fall back several steps just to skip ahead several and vice versa. I find it comforting that regressing in the steps doesn't necessarily mean you are not working your way through the pain properly. I can easily relate to getting angry over things I thought I was accepting or questioning my way through.

The questioning stage can be a very spiritual period of grief. As you ask yourself "why me?" and "how can God let this happen?" you need to avoid the self blame but you find yourself thinking about the after-life, pain and suffering to a point that hopefully progresses you to a place you are trying to get to or strengthening a place where you already are. But once again, getting fixiated on this step may cause more damage than healing.

To those who read this, try to remember during times of hardship that is it ok to feel these five stages. In fact, it is recommended to "do your time" in each stage to help you heal appropriately. Life goes on and so should you.

Time for me to practice what I preach.......