Honest Or Just Plain Rude?

I recently heard someone use this statement in response to someone objecting to something they said: "Well, if you don't like the answer then you shouldn't have asked the question!"

I have heard this statement several times in the past. It usually comes from loud mouths. More often than not, I hear people with little or no tact blurt out statements like this with a lack of concern of what other people think of them or their words.

First of all, if this guy knew what the answer was going to be, I don't think he would have asked it. The reason he asked was because he didn't know what the answer was in the first place. So how could he have stopped himself from asking it if he didn't know it would be something he didn't like?

It is a stupid statement. The lady came off as a rude, obnoxious blowhard in my opinion.

There is more to it than this though. I think the motivation behind statements like these is not always rudeness or disrespect. While I have not used this particular statement, I have used statements like it. I haven't intended on being rude most of the time, usually I have just tried to be frank and honest. So I imagine others who have said brash things like this had similar intentions. But sometimes efforts to be honest go too far.

Plus, I do not know what the whole context of that conversation was when that statement was said. For all I know the lady secretly felt bad that she received a disapproving reaction from the guy and tried to cover it with the shield of that statement. To her, it was his fault to react that way instead of her fault to answer his question that way.

But people like me put too much weight in what others think of us and what we say. Many times this is a bad thing because we lose sight of our needs and we don't protect our boundaries. We sacrifice too much for others when we don't need to.

But on the other side, there are people who have zero tact and lack consideration for others. It seems like more and more people fall in this category as the importance that was once put on manners and politeness is slowly disappearing. People take pride in their brash, no holds barred statements and attitude. It seems to be much more favorable to speak and act like this. But there is legitimate reason to be this way.

On one hand, we all should be polite and considerate towards others. But at the same time, we need to avoid going too far and compromising our own desires or intentions to be nice to someone else.

So where is that line between being honest with other people risking hurt feelings or feelings of disrespect and being rude and obnoxious showing little concern for another person's feelings?

I believe there is a way to assert you own interests and stand by what you want (within reason of course) without sounding rude or obnoxious. In fact there is a word for it. I used it earlier.

It is called tact.

Dictionary.com defines it as: "a keen sense of what is appropriate, tasteful, or aesthetically pleasing; taste; discrimination."

I recommend more people use it. Just because you say things in a particular way, with class, it doesn't mean you are being too nonconfrontational, passive or weak. It means you are standing your ground while showing class.

No Excuses

I often hear members of the Cleveland Cavaliers say they are a "no excuse team." This means that they will not come up with some reason why they lose a game or make mistakes other than the fact that they were outplayed or did not get the job done.

It is refreshing to see and hear this. Instead of passing the buck or blaming someone or something else, these players and coaches answer to a self-accountable agenda and own their mistakes in an era and culture that does the opposite.

This is where my sports reference stops.

Whether it is in my classroom or in the general public, I consistently hear people avoid any kind of ownership in their own actions. Mistakes are inevitably followed by what somebody else did or some other factor that led to their mistake.

I have heard it a million times. "I didn't make the team because the coach is a jerk." "It's all politics. I'm as good as anybody on that team." "The refs had it out for us. You can't beat your opponent AND the refs."

"He was talking too. Why are you mad at me?" "He hit me first." "She was talking about my mama!" "You always pick on me." All of this as they watch me watching them doing something wrong.

I have heard people who can't keep jobs (or drag their feet looking for a jobs) explain every time that it was their boss' fault or a problem with the business itself or the people they worked with at the place of employment. Never do they admit that they didn't perform the way that was required.

I am a culprit as well. This is not an attempt to point my finger at anybody in particular or to ignore my share in this tendency. At some point, we need to toughen up and admit our mistakes and focus on fixing them or moving on from them.

Personally, I have consciously made an effort to avoid this type of behavior. But these attempts are just looked at as pessimism or negative thinking. Sometimes, people make comments that I am too hard on myself.

It is a difficult line to walk. Balancing between self-accountability and pessimism is not easy.

This past week I made two bad throws during double play attempts. It wasn't the runner coming at me, it wasn't the sun, it wasn't a bad throw from my teammate, it was purely, 100% my inability to make that throw well enough.

When I get upset with myself and later make a comment that I can't make that throw, I come off as pessimistic.

I understand my personal issue here. I generally make numerous negative comments about things before they happen. I also go overboard in my negative talk and overtones. So I am seen as a pessimistic person. The Huey Karma is a perfect example.

I'll own this.

In my case, I need to better balance the accountability and pessimism by forcing myself to be more positive in general.

But people in general need to quit coming up with excuses. Call it what it is. If you are lazy, you are lazy. If you don't like it....change it. If you don't want to change it, then realize you are what you are and quit coming up with excuses about why you are that way. The reason is that you have chosen to be that way.

I am pessimistic. I am trying to be more positive. No excuses. That is what I am. Hopefully, I won't be in the future.

Man up and deal with your shortcomings in honest way. Nobody expects you to be perfect and if they do, that is their problem not yours.

Basketball Is Life

This is not a sports post so Carrie and Michelle can continue reading, I promise. The whole Basketball is Life metaphor may have been done already (see One Tree Hill...I don't, I just heard about it from my sister and observe my wife's passing interest in it), but I thought I'd give my spin on this metaphor.

They say the NBA is a game of runs. One team may jump out to a big lead but you know that their opponent will make a spirited comeback at some point. The ability to counter that comeback determines whether that initial leads holds or not.

In addition, anyone who has played basketball for an extended period of time has noticed that they have days where anything they throw in the air goes through the hoop and then without explanation nothing goes in no matter how easy, open or close they are to the hoop. It is a great feeling to be in the zone as it is called and play with all the confidence in the world. On the flip side, it may be the most frustrating feeling to do everything right and still be unable to make one stinking shot.

Teams can experience the same phenomenon. They can "click" on all cylinders passing the ball crisply and accurately, getting easy shots and making them as well as grabbing every rebound on both ends of the court and staying in the face of their opponent every time they try to shoot. Their energy can seem to be at full power and unending. Then before that very same game is over, they find themselves sputtering and stagnant, unable to do what they want and are usually capable of doing. The very same team in the very same arena playing the very same opponent on the very same day.

Life is like this.

You have periods where you feel like you can do no wrong. Whatever you say or do and feel is right. Without even trying, you ace a test or you understand a concept you are learning in school. Maybe you accomplish a task at work with ease. You walk up to that girl or guy and say the perfect thing that attracts them and accurately demonstrates the awesome person you are. You feel good and do good things as a result. People shower you with praise and adulation. You feel like you can conquer the world! If only more people listened to you, the world would be a better place for all! You should write a book about how to live life.

Then without notice or anticipation, BAM! Nothing seems to go right. You stumble over yourself with that girl or guy you met only last week. You fail a test at school or just can't grasp the concept your teacher is presenting no matter how much you read, listen or study (Exhibit A: My attempt at a Math major and the immediate inability to make it through the last course of calculus). You screw up a major task at work and you let down your fellow workers and boss. You say things you regret to people you care about. You feel downright angry and pitiful. "How did this happen?" you wonder. I might be the worst person who every walked this planet. Everything goes wrong for me. And the pity party begins.

But most of the game is made up of a back and forth of buckets or missed shots on the offensive end and buckets or stops on the defensive end. Outside of a random dunk or blocked shot, a good day or bad day, most of the events go unnoticed soon after they occur. The runs are what stick in your head.

I would like to think that I haven't reached halftime of my game yet. I hope I am somewhere in the second quarter. So the outcome of my game is far from determined. There is a lot of game left to be played and I still can make some halftime adjustments.

I don't want to lose my game. I want to win.

Right now, I feel as though my opponent is going on one of those runs. I started out of the gate pretty quick. I took an early lead. My teammates set me up and I have been carrying my share for most of this quarter. But I am starting to have a hard time. I can't buy a bucket right now. Every rebound is bouncing their way. Each time I think I get a stop, I get called for a foul. I am trying to stick to the fundamentals and do what I was taught and what I learned on my own, but nothing seems to be working. I can't stop the other squad from scoring and they are getting easy points in the paint. They are out hustling me. They are just too physical for me right now.

I have tried to take my timeouts effectively, but even those are unable to stop the bleeding. Part of the reason may be the fact that I don't have a coach. I am getting lost out here. What has worked for me up until now isn't working. The coach I had didn't see eye to eye with me. I didn't feel as though I needed to conform to the coach but I needed to find a coach that would fall in line with me.

I am worried the deficit I am finding myself under is too much to overcome. But I do NOT want to lose. I am too damn competitive to lose this game. I must find a way to make a run of my own. If I can cut the deficit to single digits before halftime, I'll feel better. I just need some shots to start going. I need a rebound or two to bounce my way or my teammates' way. If I can get a second chance shot, I know I'll drill it. Or I'll get it to someone who will.

One thing I have learned from living life and watching basketball: The ball doesn't just bounce your way, you have to go get it.

Positive Affirmations

Recently I learned something new about our behavior and feelings. I hope it is going to change the way I view things or think of things. The power of thought is much more powerful than I anticipated. In a round about sort of way I may have already known this but never acknowledged it. Now, it is time to address it and use it for good and not evil.

I was aware of the chemicals and hormones racing through our bodies all the time. These chemicals dictate how we feel and react to things. They play a major role if not THE role in our perception of reality. These are the things that make me feel there is no God or a puppeteer like God. Today is not that kind of blog post though. These chemicals can be triggered by the thoughts we create in our heads. Therefore, we can control our feelings to a certain degree through our thoughts. I don't mean to be so cut and dry and make this out to be an easy task. This is obviously easier said then done or our whole world would be quite different and the need for counselors and therapists would be much smaller.

Throughout my life I was fortunate to have two parents who made it a point to compliment me and avoid too much negativity. Of course, I still had to find a problem with that as I progressed through adolescence. My poor parents couldn't win. They managed to avoid being those overbearing, negative parents killing their kids confidence and self-esteem and did everything they could to build it up and I STILL complained about their parenting. My issues were that I would have a false sense of accomplishment and so I made it a point to cut myself down and ignore and positive remarks they gave me. To this day I have a hard time taking compliments even though I cherish every little one and starve for them. I usually find ways to rationalize how the compliment is not true or too positive. I can't just leave well enough alone and say thank you. Also, I am so afraid of getting insulted or criticized that I try to cut myself down first to avoid any criticism from someone else. I figured if I got the first punch in, the others would not get a chance.

So decades of creating these negative thoughts in my brain have hard wired it to the point that I automatically have these negative feelings about much of what I do. Any time I do something, I naturally react negatively towards it. Therefore, I feel bad about myself and lack confidence much of the time.

I have never had major panic attacks but from what I have heard and learned, they are pretty much adrenaline rushes. Chemically, they are the same as a rush of excitement. The difference is the feeling attached to it or the context of the adrenaline rush. Many times panic attacks or anxiety attacks or general feelings of fear or even sadness can be induced by thoughts. You see something happen and you react to it or think about it. These reactions or thoughts in the brain produce the chemicals that create that "attack" or the feelings of fear, sadness and so on.

With that in mind, you can control your feelings. I have been doing this by thinking negative thoughts about myself on purpose leading to low self-esteem and lack of confidence or general feelings of fear and sadness. What I should be doing is forcing positive thoughts in my head. I need to get to the point of making this routine. These positive thoughts will produce the chemicals that create happiness and confidence. The adrenaline rush would then have a more positive context to it and feel more like a roller coaster than a panic attack.

But let me tell you this won't be easy. The logical, left brain dominated self that am I will analyze things to a point of pure negative and not allow those positive chemicals to flow. The Huey Karma will have its way with me. The hard wired brain that is my head will be a tough one to plow through.

For now, I am going to try to recite positive attributes I consider myself to have each morning. I am going to use my dad's technique of pounding my heart and saying, "Today's gonna be a good day." Hopefully, this will foster a more general sense of confidence and self-esteem. I highly recommend you to join me.

Like Guy Smiley on the old SNL skits......."and dawgonit, people like me!"