Birthday Post Hal Lebovitz Style

Hal Lebovitz was a sports writer for the News Herald, the local newspaper in the county where I grew up. By the time I began reading him religiously he had been around for decades and wrote for other papers (Cleveland News and Cleveland Plain Dealer) prior to my hometown Herald. But each weekend he had a column where he touched on a number of different topics regarding the Cleveland teams or other worthwhile, interesting tidbits about the sports world at that time. This was a part of my Sundays that I cherished. We would get home from church and I made a mad dash to the Sunday News Herald to see what Hal had to say. My earlier intentions to be a sportswriter for a career stemmed from this experience.

So today I am using his Sunday format to cover a number of topics I have wanted to touch in this blog but haven't had the time to address. I have some serious catching up to do. My birthday present to myself is this post with the Georgia v. Georgia Tech game on to my right and my ipod blasting a variety of favorite tunes to my left.

Here we go....I hope you enjoy and comment on one or more:

My Dark Period
I have been pretty open about my recent downturn in mood and feeling. Mostly it has been despair, sadness and worry. But underneath these emotions there is a lot of anger brewing. I can feel it come out over little things. I explode over things I should brush off. I get easily frustrated and aggravated. I have been examining the reasons why. I am trying to connect the dots and get to the core issue I must be dealing with so I can fix it.

I keep coming back to one point. This point is that I do not stick up for myself. My wife even recognizes it and has mentioned it. She says that by not defending myself I am accepting things as true. I'll be the first to admit I have a problem with confrontation. I hate it. As a result I have taken a lot of emotional punishment without doing anything about it and then internalized it way too much. Then I feel worse about being too much of a coward to stand up and confront my confrontation fear. I think much of my anger may be coming from this.

In the past I have tried to stick up for myself when I felt like I was being pushed around but then I look like a fool because people say I can't take a joke. They say I'm taking things too seriously or I am too emotional or I am overreacting. So the cycle continues and I try to take things as a joke. But then I hear plenty of negative comments and feel horrible about myself.

I want to start calling people out when they say stupid things about me to me. But I don't want to turn into an angry person either. I have tried to practice this idea of "breaking the chain" and not letting someone else's anger towards me create a negative response from me. I wanted to stop passing forward the bad in the world. I wanted to absorb the bad and "be the better person" in an attempt to make the world better. Yes, I realize this is very righteous or pious or whatever but I tried anyway.

Now I see the damage it is doing to me as an individual and I think it is time to unleash the beast. I could go on listing the issues I have with people's wrongful treatment but I have too much more to write. Just get ready. I am working my way to a point where I am going to seem very mean.

Ohio state Football
Believe it or not there are people in Columbus who are blaming Jim Tressel for a disappointing 10-2 season. They blame the coaching for losing to USC and Penn State. I admit the Big Ten is down which means the Buckeyes really didn't have any signature wins this year but c'mon! 10-2 is 10-2. More importantly it is 10-2 after back to back appearances in the BCS Title game. Has anybody seen the mighty LSU's record this year? Granted they are in tougher conference but they didn't beat anybody of any significance. You can't blame it all on LSU's QB drama earlier in the year because their defense stunk it up all year. It is not easy to maintain the kind of success Ohio State has had over the Tressel era. In his 8 years he has won a national title, played for two others, made BCS bowl games 5(maybe 6 if Oregon st loses a game) times, been in a bowl game every year, beaten our rival 7 times, and won or shared the Big Ten title at least 4 times (off the top of my head). Weak conference or not teams are bound for a let down in that time. OSU really has never had a major let down and when there has been one, it lasts one season. During this same period I can only think of USC and Texas (maybe Florida) as teams that have had the same consistent success. Get off Tressel people. We are lucky to have him.

Raising My Kid
I watched the OSU v. Michigan game at the house of a friend of mine. She used to work with me so another colleague from work was there as well. The game was a blowout allowing our conversation to meander away from sports and it found its way to the Bible. My colleague mentioned Proverbs as a good "book" to use with my daughter. This came about because I mentioned how there are a number of values from the Bible that I plan to instill in my child despite my personal issue with it. To clarify this statement I should say that it really isn't the Bible itself that I have a problem with but the people who constantly use it to support their erroneous, hateful and immoral views. The interpretation is the problem more than the book. I would also cite the narrow point of view many people have who use the Bible as the end all, be all reference to morality and goodness.

With all of this said, I am not a Bible hater. I feel there is so much that can be taken from that book like loving thy neighbor as thyself, the ten commandments, turning the other cheek, the idea that power and greed are the root of evil, giving to the poor and needy in spirit as well as more worldly needs, the importance to fight temptation and reality of it, making sacrifices and prayer. These and many more principles are concepts I find very valuable. While my daughter gets fed many things from the Bible on her mother's side, I am not going to fight it. Instead I want to make sure I direct it. She will NOT grow up thinking slavery is justified or homosexuality is immoral even though the Bible "says so." She WILL be allowed to speak up in church or to her husband. She doesn't need to grow up thinking she has to be submissive to her partner because the Bible "said so." I could go on.

My goal is to teach her these positive values of the Bible and to help as best I can to get her to understand the Bible was written in a variety of contexts and these contexts affected what was written. It is much like politics in that the different books were written to particular audiences with particular goals in mind. These things need to be considered when reading the Bible. I also want her to feel free to explore other religions and their teachings. Many times these other ways of thinking can provide a clearer point of view for someone. There are also numerous parallels. I continue to explore Buddhism and find similarities. Meditation and prayer are both important components of Christianity and Buddhism as well as sacrifice. I want my kid to feel free to discover this for herself. If I have any say in the matter, she will not be pigeon holed in one discipline.

Being a Moderate
My wife and I had a fantastic conversation on the ride up to our families for the holiday celebrating thanks (and genocide through small pox and violence). She is a die hard liberal and is very proud of it. She wants her values and beliefs to fall on the left side of the ledger every time. She believes that is the correct way of thinking.

Most of the time I fall on her side of things. But not always. This is where the conversation got interesting. As we discussed different issues, she proved her dedication and loyalty to liberalism. I, on the other hand, demonstrated that I have no urge whatsoever to be placed in one particular category. I don't like being labeled liberal or conservative (contrary to a friend's belief that I support liberal issues only because it is "cool" and I want to be liberal because my college professors influenced me and my peers to be). I don't want to be put in a box like that. When I determine my stance on different topics, issues or whatever I like to examine them on their own merit and particular circumstances. I then try to base my stance on my own value system. Whether it is conservative or liberal doesn't matter to me. While I do admit I fall on the liberal side more often than not, I wouldn't call myself that at all. That is fine.

What is most interesting about this is that I try to take things on a case by case basis so I can make sure I am consistent in terms of my personal values as opposed to my political stance, but sometimes it creates contradictions. So in an effort to avoid contradictions I am actually creating contradictions within my views or opinions.

John Brown

I continue to read "Lies My Teacher Told Me: What American History Textbooks Got Wrong" by James Loewen. I recently finished a section about John Brown and his treatment or lack thereof in our textbooks. I find this man and his story fascinating. In high school textbooks he is described as this crazed, militant abolitionist. Loewen even shows two pictures of him (pg 177) with one normal portrait next to a wild, long haired, long bearded man with a crazed look in his eye. According to Loewen, he was a well spoken, well read, intelligent man who proved so in his words during his trial for treason as well as his letters to his family and in his diary. He was well aware of the contradiction our country was demonstrating through slavery. He also knew of the inner struggle we were dealing with in regards to it. He wrote just before his execution that the only way these "crimes" of slavery would be "purged" from our country would be "with blood." (pg 175) As we know, it took the bloody Civil War to finally put an end to slavery.

In 1854 the Kansas-Nebraska Act tried to deal with slavery by leaving the decision to those who settled there. Farmers from the North rushed in to establish it a "free soil" state while most Southern slave owners didn't make the move. But a number of slave owners from Missouri would cross the border to intimidate and terrorize the settlers in an effort to sway things towards slavery. (Loewen p. 173-174) Brown, an abolitionist with family in Kansas, countered by attacking and killing a number of these "terrorists." Later, Brown led a slave revolt in Harper's Ferry, Virginia where he would be caught by Robert E. Lee, eventually tried and hanged for treason.

What is interesting here is that history textbooks up to as late as the 1970s and some even later, painted Brown as the bad guy. They would even go as far as stating the slaves didn't want to revolt despite the evidence that Loewen presents to the contrary. This is a southern justification for slavery that I have noticed in other parts of the book. There seemed to be a consistent attempt to convince us that slaves actually did not mind being enslaved. While I don't specifically remember being taught this, the textbooks being used across the country during my years in school were openly presenting this idea of acceptance of slavery by the slaves themselves.

What the textbooks miss out on is bringing American History alive by presenting John Brown in a way that can demonstrate the very real inner struggle our country has been dealing with for centuries regarding slavery and racism. There were so many economic issues and states rights issues that played roles in the Civil War too but they were tied into the prevailing racism that took place and still takes place today. High school students could have some unbelievably interesting and enlightening discussions about race and slavery if we would look at people like John Brown and his ideas, beliefs and questionable actions to promote and support those thoughts. Abraham Lincoln was a great president who really did want to eradicate slavery from our country and knew it was a BIG cause of and factor in the Civil War, but he too struggled with his personal racism. On one hand he referred to African Americans as "niggers" but on the other he felt guilty and sick about seeing slaves shackled on a train he rode. Nobody wants to see the racial slurs Lincoln used or hear about Washington and Jefferson owning slaves, cheating on their wives or in Jefferson's case being an atheist. But I think we can present these "heroes" to our high school students in a way that demonstrates their flaws and shows how they accomplished a good bit despite their shortcomings and how these contradictions created interesting situations and discussion points. It doesn't need to be this pure, constant line of progress because it wasn't. Our history has had its ups and downs, progress and set backs, successes and failures and they all have affected how things are today.

LeBron James in 2010
Charles Barkley was on a radio show and called out James in regards to his open dialogue about possibly playing in New York in 2010. He said LeBron should not be so open about it. He plays for the Cavs and will for two more seasons and needs to quit talking about the Knicks or Nets. James responded by calling Barkley "stupid."

I am finding myself more and more anti-LeBron. It is hard to do. He is so, very good, plays for my team and seems like a good guy. But I will not be held hostage by him and I am getting tired of this game. No player should be bigger than the team. Even LeBron. I have been worried about this happeneing. This is one of the things I hated about Jordan. He became bigger than the Bulls. In fact the NBA as a whole fell out of graces with me as a result. Then the new generation of stars came about. Among them, James who seemed like a team first guy on the court. Combine that with being on my team and I was fine with James and his Jordanesque persona.

Now I am getting tired of it. At first, I wanted to write about how the national media needs to shut up about NYC and LeBron and buy a clue that Cleveland is also putting themselves in position to sign LeBron in 2010. They will be in the BEST position to re-sign him to be honest. But we don't hear that on ESPN. Also, we will have enough to get ANOTHER stud that is available that year. ESPN, FOX and other national media outlets won't tell you that.

Instead, I almost want James gone. I don't want to contribute to the "player bigger than the team" concept. Correct or incorrect, true or false....that is what's stupid Mr. James.

(This Georgia v. Ga Tech rivalry game has been pretty fun to watch....especially the second half.)

Sigh

Ohio State 6 Penn State 13

I just saved a profane laced tirade post. I intended on publishing it but thought better.

Let me just say I am very mad. The Huey Karma is real. And I am done with sports.

I hate this.

Being negative worked so much better for me than this positive crap I tried.

I may be a negative, "what if" catastrophic thinker but it worked. This doesn't.

There. That was clean. If you want the other post ask me for it. But don't be faint of heart. My emotions right now are not right.

Power of Words

Today marked a perfect example of how the things people say to me can take me from one extreme emotion to the other. I bet it has more to do with my weak inner fortitude, oversensitivity or codependent personality. I should care far less than I do about what people say to me, but the facts are, the reality is, I do care. It bothers me. It makes me feel estactic. It makes my day and it ruins my day. You know how coaches say their teams shouldn't get too high after a win or too low after a loss? I am the antithesis to that to my own dismay.

Here is my example:

I open the day like any other day dropping off my daughter at school and heading to my place of employment to hack out another day trying to educate our youth. Usually, it means more of listening to a barrage of disrespectful responses and dealing with complete apathy. Anyway, a colleague comes to me in the hallway to "thank" me. Thaaaaaaaank me. I sigh, knowing what was about to come. Apparently he felt bad about his class' test scores from last year as they were not showing the kind of results he wanted for his Master's project. But after he look at my and another colleague's class scores, he didn't feel so bad. So he thanked me for basically failing worse than he did. What am I supposed to say to that? I felt like crap. I already deal with enough feelings of failure at my job, another blow to the head from him doesn't help.

This comes after I consistently speak up in his and other's defense at grade level meetings with the principal. I huddle my team in the morning to pump each other up after compliments or evidence of something going well. I include his condescending rear end in that too. I overlook his shortcomings because quite honestly, we all have some. So I was pretty down and angry. Fortunately (????) for me, I had a class full of rowdy kids coming who quickly get my mind off of everything that takes place outside the classroom doors. So no sooner did I process what just went down did I focus on something else.

After another exhausting day, I was preparing for next weeks lessons when I ran into another colleague who asked me how my daughter was doing. My daughter is well known at my school from her frequent visits and her attendance last year. She was hard NOT to notice for reasons I'll choose to avoid this time. I love talking about her and I think it is noticeable because everybody asks me how she is doing out of kindness and small talk if not genuine interest. My colleague proceeded to speak very highly of my girl which felt nice but it led to more talk about special education. This colleague is currently pursuing a degree in special education. With a daughter in special education, not to mention a wife who teaches it, I have read a ton of stuff regarding it, talked to a number of people about it, and experienced a ton of it from the parental angle over the past 6 years.

It was a good discussion. Coincidentally, another colleague who I have worked with for a decade now was just around the corner and overheard the whole conversation. She, too, has a background in special education. This is a woman I wanted to compliment earlier in the day about how open she is to other teacher's ideas and strategies. She has no ego. But she was with a close companion to the degrading, hurtful colleague at the time and I decided to pass. Well after missing my opportunity to pay her a compliment I felt she deserved, she took a minute to praise me for how much I knew about special education. She said I pretty much hit the nail on the head and she could tell by the words I used that I knew what I was talking about.

That felt good. That felt damn good!

So I went from one extreme to another today. I really need to learn to even things out.

Is this Fatigue?

Let me tell you...this post is all about me unleashing some venom.

I am really cranky, irritable, and tense. I don't want to work on this house anymore. I feel like we have been racing to get things done for months now and we still have so much more to go. I thought I'd feel some satisfaction from crossing off things on the to do list but each thing that gets scratched off turns into two or even three other things to do!!!

Also, I feel guilty because there have been numerous people helping out. My wife is doing more than I am doing. Her expectations are a bit higher than mine. Her parents have helped out tremendously with their expertise. As I blogged before, fixing things is not my forte. I need much help and education. So I shouldn't be so tired of this.

In addition to the frustration over the amount of work, we have spent a tremendous amount of money on these things. If I have to watch my wife buy any more flowers, paint, brushes, light bulbs, blue tape, box cutters, door stops, carpet, carpet padding, floor tiles, glue, light fixtures, towel racks, top soil, grass seed, pipes and pieces for pipes I never heard of or knew about, and so on...I will gouge my eyeballs out slowly and mercilessly. I can't even pay for this because I am dead broke. Ok, ok not really broke, but broke after the bills are paid. Nobody's filing for bankruptcy here.

So far my vacation has consisted of ripping out bushes and mini-trees, growing grass. pulling weeds and planting a garden, pulling more weeds, cleaning the shutters, painting the garage, three bedrooms, outside trim, pulling off wallpaper in the basement, painting that basement, fixing two bathroom sinks, putting up a towel rack, taking down and putting up two light fixtures, fixing two three lights, getting new carpeting, fixing baseboards and putting in three new vents, boxing up clutter and taking out furniture not used anymore, finding a plumber to fix the leaks we didn't get, calling to get bulk trash pickup and then finding out we have to dump most of it somewhere ourselves, hearing nobody will help with the shutters leaving us to deal with them despite the fact that they are too high up for our ladder, dealing with a misquote by the stupid people at Home Depot and still going back to fix another mistake they made on the price, dealing with the nickel and dime crap they put us through with the charges for installation (easy one time charge of $199 my ass!) and planning with the wife and in-laws how to do it all.

And I still have to paint the back exterior steps, plant more grass, level more of the backyard, paint the rest of the garage, move furniture while the carpet people install because moving furniture wasn't in their contracted amount, figure out how to rid ourselves of the piles of trash in our garage, fix the smoke alarm and CO2 alarm, fix the front outdoor water socket, fix the back patio exterior outlet, seal the driveway, steamclean the basement carpet, paint my daughter's room, clean the place up and down and more that I have forgotten.

I'm really pissed off.

My poor daughter is getting bored and my patience with her is nonexistent. Her mom takes her all over the midwest to amusement parks, county fairs to ride rides and meanwhile we have her watch us work. We try to let her help us paint, she loves that, but she drips it all over the place. I am trying not to take it out on her or my wife but they are getting the brunt of it.

I am glad this is happening when we have time, the summer. To think how stressed I would be if I was teaching through all of this? Missing my football on the weekends? Oh my, my, my. To think if I had to do this on my income alone? Fortunately, my wife makes enough to pay for this while I keep cranking out the monthly bills and debts. We haven't had to put any of this on credit cards.

This was my attempt at venting....exhale.



Ok, I feel better now. Tomorrow is a new day. Day of more work...but new attitude.

Grieving

I remember learning long ago in my psych 101 courses in college and books I read later that when one encounters a traumatic life event they need to go through a process of 5 steps to properly handle it. These steps begin with Shock/Denial and proceed to Anger, Questioning, Sadness or Depression and finally Acceptance. I also remember Bargaining as a step but the basic premise remains with or without it.

Many people don't allow themselves to process through all the steps or to experience some of them fully. Others may get too caught up in a particular step and become obsessed or fixiated. When this happens the harmful effects can last awhile and intrude other parts and people in their lives.

It is good to experience all of them even anger and sadness. I recall stating this at my grandmother's funeral as I spoke during the ceremony. I said the experience was good. I meant that. I meant that the experience we all were sharing was a good one. We were crying, sharing memories and positive attributes about B and creating an energy together progressing through the 5 steps. I vividly recall the feelings of acceptance I had as we left the next day.

While we generally progress through these steps in order, many times we regress back to a prior step before progressing to the next. Sometimes we may fall back several steps just to skip ahead several and vice versa. I find it comforting that regressing in the steps doesn't necessarily mean you are not working your way through the pain properly. I can easily relate to getting angry over things I thought I was accepting or questioning my way through.

The questioning stage can be a very spiritual period of grief. As you ask yourself "why me?" and "how can God let this happen?" you need to avoid the self blame but you find yourself thinking about the after-life, pain and suffering to a point that hopefully progresses you to a place you are trying to get to or strengthening a place where you already are. But once again, getting fixiated on this step may cause more damage than healing.

To those who read this, try to remember during times of hardship that is it ok to feel these five stages. In fact, it is recommended to "do your time" in each stage to help you heal appropriately. Life goes on and so should you.

Time for me to practice what I preach.......