I have lived a "blessed life," a term I have heard alot lately. I grew up in a safe neighborhood and household and had many things provided for me with opportunities to earn things and avoid too much of an self-entitled feeling.
But everyone has their cross or crosses to bear and adulthood has now presented me with several. It has been a real test of my intestinal fortitude, mental strength and belief in what is good with this world. I am writing this blog today in an effort to maintain any strength I have. I am really being challenged as my family enters a time where we will have to make some extremely difficult decisions and deal with some major pain and guilt. I choose to blog to help me express my feelings, but I choose to keep the details private and asked loved ones to respect in that in any comments.
What I want to write about though is how times like this really do make you stronger. And they really do have important meaning. This experience along with prior experiences with my daughter have taught me this.
Five years ago to the month I dealt with some scary news. For the first time in my life I had to face adversity head on as a primary decision maker and handle it appropriately. It was not a one day, one event experience. It was something I would have to live with, deal with and handle in a way that was best for my daughter. Since then there have been recurring experiences like this and although they have been worse when you sit down and analyze it, it was much easier for me to handle after the first time through. I have changed almost every aspect of my life as a result of these experiences and would like to think it has mostly been for the better. I haven't run away. I haven't drowned my sorrows in drugs or alcohol or gambling or women or anything like that. But don't think it didn't cross my mind.
Proof that you do get stronger.
Now I am dealing with another horrific situation in my life. Once again I need to transcend this pain and sorrow and help make decisions that will affect the rest of my family's lives. And I am going to have to handle things in the best way. I can't stop crying. I can't stop hurting inside. I am trying really hard not to put blame anywhere, especially myself because that is where it tends to go in my head. But I am struggling.
This time though, I feel like I can do this. I really am drawing on my past experiences and people around me and outlets like this blog to express myself. As usual, I have a supporting cast that anyone would pay millions for. They have proven their love and support in all of their own, unique ways time and time again in the past, so naturally they continue to do so.
So I end this post as I began...."I am living a blessed life." Now if I can just get myself to believe it in this particular instance of tears.
And please let me know when I get dealt a winning hand....PLEASE!
2 comments:
Even as I sit here, Beau, with my own tears for what you're facing, I know Nietsche was right: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." And though the current hand may not be a winner, it's got at least some of the winning cards - you, Vicki and Ally, plus everyone who loves and supports the 3 of you. Hang in there, honey!
Yes, Jackie. Tough times don't last, tough people do. I do not remember who said that one but both statements are ones I am holding onto. And yes, I am drawing strength from that which I have...Vicki, Ally and you guys. At the same time I need to allow them to draw strength from me.
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