Lately I have been trying to improve myself. I suppose I always have, but its been more prevalent of late. My wife is a driven woman and gets stuff done. I, on the other hand, have comfortably settled into a lazy state of being. It started in middle school allowing myself to settle for Bs in school so I could somehow (in my mind only) avoid being called a nerd. I still did. I began a pattern of laziness because I could and still get decent grades. I haven't been the same since turning into a underacheiver in many things. Being lazy is also so stinkin' easy!
So living with someone who actually DOES the things on the to do list has been getting in my head. I want to be more like that. I know better though. It can't happen overnight. So I am attempting little things. And easy things. I am trying to exercise more. Read more. Write more (hence, this blog). Drink more water (failing miserably). Spend more engaged time with my daughter. And I am trying to be more calm and positive.
I am really struggling with positivity. I naturally fall into a "poor me" drama anytime I encounter difficult things in life. I also am afraid to say anything positive about myself for fear of hearing how wrong I am and how much I suck. I am supersensitive to these things.
We all talk about things are hard to do but we must do them anyway, but man some things REALLY are. It is hard remarrying with a daughter from a previous marriage. It is hard everyday! It is hard breaking old habits. It is hard everyday! It is hard finding the beauty and love in things in the middle of January, with disrespectful people surrounding you at work. It is hard dealing with people who don't "get it" telling you what to do and how to do it despite the success you may have had before doing it another way. It is hard for me to listen and to trust that maybe I'm wrong. It is hard to see the other side and I try so very hard to do that. I really do.
It is very hard to hear you are wrong. Change is hard. Even change for the good. It is so very difficult to battle with yourself. You know you need to change. You tell yourself you do. Then you fight yourself to do it when you try to do it. What a contradiction! And I hate being a hypocrite. But I am.
So I am going to continue to at least try to keep my life and energy evolving in a positive direction. I am going to try to be more like my wife and DO things I say I am going to do even when it is ME that is stopping me from doing them.
So instead of continuing with this blog I will go grade my quarterly assessments and informational reports like I said I would. Then I can do my report cards this week without being in the usual panic I go into 4 times a year.
1 comment:
wow can I relate to this sentence: "afraid to say anything positive about myself for fear of hearing how wrong I am and how much I suck." I would add that I'm afraid to think that someone does honestly like me. or that someone would honestly be attracted to me. These fears are just that - fear. False Evidence Appearing Real. It's not the Truth. For me, my spiritual journey helps me believe this, because why would the Universe create me if I didn't serve a purpose? I'm a spoke in the wheel, too, dammit, and I have value. That's the Truth.
In relation to being wrong, I don't know that I was wrong in how I lived my life in the past or things that I did. I think I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Who's to say what is wrong now may not have been right then? All we can do is learn and trust that the Universe provides the energy for change when It decides it serves the greater good for me to change. or maybe I just don't like being told I'm wrong :)
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