Mourning Mallory

It feels like my life has come to a point of closure. Recently, my wife and I experienced a difficult period that I have documented often in this blog. We lost a baby late in the pregnancy to triploidy. It is a freak chromosomal disorder that has always been fatal for the fetus.

We both have worked hard to grieve appropriately and deal with the emotional roller coaster that accompanies a loss such as this. Fortunately, this experience doesn't have any lasting physical problems so we have been able to continue our lives as planned.

We now approach the one year anniversary of the event. At this year mark we have a beautiful baby girl. We are celebrating this joyous experience with sleep deprivation and plenty of diaper changes and feedings. These events present their own challenges believe it or not, but each one is graciously welcomed.

So now I reflect on the past year with all that has happened and wonder to myself if I should put the loss to rest. But I don't want to let this go. I fear that moving on would distant myself from the memory of Mallory even though there was never really a physical memory. I recall the weeks following the loss and how determined I was to make sure we didn't sweep it under the rug. My gut was telling me that I needed to make a big deal about the loss.

I still question if that is appropriate. Plenty of couples lose babies. One thing I learned from the experience was that the number of babies that are lost is surprisingly high. A number of women lose numerous babies before they finally have a successful birth. I lost count of the women in our lives that came out of the woodwork and told us their own stories of lost babies.

They remained silent about these losses. If this is the case and many of them don't mourn their losses, does this mean I am blowing this out of proportion? Is my effort to remain so open about my experience a cry for attention? Am I making a big deal over nothing? Am I too sensitive? Is this something I should let go?

I'll be the first to admit I crave attention. Isn't this blog really an example of me crying out, "Look at me! Listen to me! Watch me!" I think everybody enjoys positive attention at some level whether or not they'll admit it openly or even to ourselves.

So is this a function of that craving?

I do know that in my private moments, I have been emotional over the loss. I really did carry the burden for awhile and throughout the successful pregnancy, I would revisit the memory of the loss in a fearful or saddened way. I didn't always publicize those moments. I would share them with my wife, but she was my partner in this experience.

My wife refers to our daughter as our "miracle baby" because of the loss. She feels it is time to put the loss behind us and has said it is OK to let go of the mourning.

I, on the other hand, still feel that ending the mourning would be one more step to forgetting Mallory. It is all I have of her. My brother and his wife are so generous and caring. They gave my wife and me two gifts. One for the new baby and one to remember Mallory. It meant the world to me. I felt like it gives me a tangible memory of Mallory and I could begin to let go without erasing her. But here I am still wanting to hold on to the sadness. I'm still afraid that letting go would erase Mallory.

Another thought I had was to tattoo her name somewhere hidden on myself. I would then have a tangible way to keep her with me forever. But this would make a hypocrite out of me since I have major issues with the trendy tattoo thing that has risen over the last decade or so. Also, if I did this, I feel I would need to add my two living children and then I would be approaching NBA player level. Wait. No, until I have body ink crawling up my neck and down my arms, I'll be OK.

Maybe my newborn is my closure. She may represent what Mallory would be. Maybe she represents what Mallory is. But I do not want to put that on her. I don't want my youngest daughter to live her life carrying the memory of someone else. I want her to be her own unique person to me. I recall a good friend of mine whose twin was lost at birth. We have discussed this subject manner in the past and his opinion would be worth hearing. I am curious if he feels like he was carrying the memory of his brother throughout his life and if that was a positive or negative thing.

This is a joyous time in my life. I have had numerous setbacks over the past several years and it feels like I am beginning to climb my way back to the surface. This is a time I should be celebrating all the joy, not dragging out the pain. I just can't leave this behind me.

Life is not about the destination but the journey right?

So cliche!