Today I observed a tendency in my daughter's handwriting. As we practiced writing letters at the kitchen table, she would change her hand. I am not a father that prefers her use of one hand over the other. I want her to use the hand that is best. So I have not pushed her to use one over the other to allow her to develop her own preference. But I now wonder if she needs to commit to one. She already deals with a significant cognitive impairment and I want to help her do what is best to compensate for it as much as she will be able to.
So I just sat back and observed her writing. I soon picked up on a pattern. It seemed that she consistently made the same errors with one hand but not the other. For instance, when using her right hand she would draw the letter C backwards. When she used her left hand, she would draw the same letter C correctly. She was consistent with this as she repeated the same mistake with her right and repeatedly wrote it correctly with her left. Also, with other letters that required the same direction as C like the letter G, she made the same errors....EXACTLY.
When it came to a letter with the OPPOSITE motion like a D, B, P or R she would be able to write correctly with the OPPOSITE hand. And consistent with the first letters mentioned, she made the same backwards errors, with the other hand. So with D, B, P and R she would write correctly with her RIGHT hand and backwards with her left hand. The opposite of the opposite letters.
Clear as mud? Or do you get my pattern here?
What does this mean? Anything? Honestly, I feel it means something. It may be something we already know, but it may be a clue. I was quite excited that I discovered this. So excited my head was spinning and I couldn't think straight to reflect on what it meant.
Unfortunately, I was soon brought back down to earth as I realized it probably doesn't mean anything. And I found myself back in the old discussion about when is enough enough with my battle to find "answers" for my daughter's condition. At what point do I just accept her for who she is and quit trying to find out how or why things are the way they are. There is probably no cure. I may never know exactly why it has happened. I am draining the pond dry to find these answers and some point I have to realize it is out of my hands. So these "clues" mean very little other than the fact that she has a neurological condition and her brain is not developed the way it needs to be. This is stuff I already know.
So what should I do? Do I continue my M.O. and seek answers or information about this pattern? If so, where do I look and who do I ask and what do I ask? This is what I want to do. I was told when my precious daughter was only hours old that I was her advocate. I was and am her voice and I need to look out for what is in her best interest until she can do so on her own. I clearly recall standing in the hallway with my dad looking through the window of the nursery at her feeling like I had know her all my life. I remember the feeling of helplessness and how fragile she was. It was very apparent to me how important my role was to this little, beautiful person. At that time I had no idea exactly how I was going advocate for her. I had no idea the "battle" I was in for. I didn't realize how alone I would feel in this "fight" sometimes. But I did know I had to look out for her and I have never let go of that.
This is why I have taken her to see geneticists, developmental disorder experts, MRDD services, neurologists and other specialists. She has taken what seems like every test known to man. I have read articles and asked people questions. I have joined website forums and tapped the special education expertise of my wife. I have brainstormed numerous possible causes and asked doctors. I have changed neurologists so I could understand the language they speak. I have asked friends who are doctors themselves and pharmacists about other possibilities and the drugs we have had to use. And I feel like all of this is not enough.
Am I not accepting my daughter for my daughter? Am I trying to make her something she is not? Am I unable to handle that she is not as normal as her peers and therefore, trying to make up for it in this way?
In my heart I know I love her and do this because I want what is best for her. I know I would not love her more if she was on the same level as her peers. I don't love her any less. I worry she won't be able to live a normal life. I fear she will be called retarded and made fun of. Honestly, it would not be bad if she gets made fun of because every kid needs to deal with that but I don't like the idea of her being sad. That kills me.
So when am I crossing the line of advocating for my girl and trying to make up for some sort of feeling of inadequacy?
3 comments:
Man, that sounds like dyslexia, but I suppose it could be anything. I think you should just let her write whichever way is comfortable to her. She'll either pick one or write with both. What's the harm in that?
I think you're doing all you can. You shouldn't stop. You are her advocate for the rest of your days. I think parents always feel inadequate. The difference is that you won't stop trying to help your daughter.
I don't think you're crossing any line. You should keep doing what you're doing. I mean, who will if you don't?
Yeah, it really does and I want to pursue the that possibility that it may be dyslexia.
In the end I pretty go with what you wrote. Regardless of the stuff I wrote, nobody is going to do this for her if I don't.
And I'd rather err on the side of too much help than not enough I guess.
For the record, I do need to acknowldege that my daughter's mother hasn't been absent through this whole ordeal. My intentions are not to paint a negative picture of her or come off with any bitterness.
At the same time, we are not together and so I have had many moments over the years where I have meditated and reflected on my own about this subject. Hence, the comment of feeling alone.
And now, I am very lucky to be married to a partner who is 10000% supportive and helpful.
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