Before my daughter was born I was like most 20 somethings. I lived an active social life and enjoyed many things I don't and can't anymore. At the time I rarely obsessed over death like I do now. While I feared death, I didn't want to die, I didn't look over my shoulder every three minutes for it.
Over the past 7 years, I have grown up a good bit. I have calmed down as well. I understand this is a natural part of my maturity. But is this overcharged realization of my mortality that I have been dealing with also an effect? It would make sense. Maybe this can be chalked up to a midlife crisis so to speak. Of course, it would be a bit early for that but nothing is exact.
I think I had those same feelings of invincibility most people do in their 20s. I think many of us come to terms with things as we enter our 30s. For me, having my daughter around fast forwarded me to those thoughts of, "I could die." I don't mean the idea that we die some day. Obviously we are aware of that as children. I mean the realization that you won't be here forever and the thoughts about what you are going to do about it.
Having a little one makes me worry even more than I normally do---which is a lot. I constantly worry about her safety and happiness, but I also worry about being here for her.
There are things I need to do to look out for her. I need to make sure things are taken care of for her. I have progressed to a point where I think about what I do in terms of her well being. I would like to clean up some of my actions though. At times I make mistakes. Also, I need to get my legal and financial items in shape so she isn't left in a bad way.
I'll be honest. I am scared to death of death. Having a child....eh um, children, scares me even more.
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