Seven years ago my daughter officially entered my life. It was 9:45 I believe. The instant foreshadowing went unnoticed at the time. The realization that my life was not going to be the same was completely noticed though. I spent 40 weeks and several days planning and preparing myself for this moment and life change. I have numerous regrets but I'd like to think I have fixed those mistakes or compensated for them in some way since her birth.
This post isn't about reliving my regrets and mistakes. It is about how much my daughter means to me and how much her life has changed mine as any child's changes their father. To be fair not all fathers change when their children are born. Some bolt and stubbornly refuse to change. That is an old post and probably a future one to come. Teachers like me get to pick up the pieces much of the time. But I digress.
The first moments of my daughter's life were marked with panic and worry and fear. When she was born she was "stunned." She needed to be revived. It is highly possible that this event led to many of the health and developmental problems we have encountered throughout her early life. I was "stunned" myself. Shock would be a better description. I don't remember being able to fully realize what was happening. This was the foreshadow of what was yet to come. Those scary moments of disbelief, confusion and helplessness would define 2003 and 2006.
Once the dust settled, I was able to hold her for the first time all by myself in the rocking chair, I still vividly recall the inability to take my eyes off her. It felt like the initial burst of excitement and joy when you receive the greatest gift you had ever been given after wanting it for so long. Every gift I ever received before would eventually lose its "newness" and fondness, but my daughter hasn't. To this day I still feel that giddy excitement and warmth when she is with me. I think parents can relate to what I am saying. This is something that is difficult to convey in a blog or with words.
Once you have a child your birthday becomes insignificant. My daughter's birthday shares hers with her grandfather on her mother's side. I recall how he brushed aside his birthday to keep the spotlight on her. Coming from my perspective, I have little excitement for my birthday. No urge to party. No need for gifts. The attention is nice but I don't feel any need to look for it. But when my kid's birthday draws near I find myself acting and anticipating it like I did my own growing up. This day is extremely important to me. I want her to enjoy the day and soak in the special attention every kid deserves. But I have personal stock in it as well. This day represents someone very special to me. It is a nice annual reminder of how much I care about her.
It refocuses my attention on how much I love hearing her say "daddy, wook." Or "watch me." I am reminded of all the things I don't do now because I have to be on the clock 24/7 for her. It reminds me of how glad I am to be on the clock. I can't imagine my life without her anymore.
I am blessed and lucky that she has entered my life. And while I am thankful for that everyday, I am extra thankful on her birthday.
Many friends and family have had children of their own recently. Some read this blog. I would love to hear how you guys feel about your kids' birthdays and how much you appreciate having them in your lives or what it is about them that you love so much. I know we could go on for a long time listing our favorite aspects of our kids, so maybe the BIG stuff.
3 comments:
Well, we haven't had a birthday yet (except for that actual birth day). So, I don't know how I'll feel, but what you described sounds pretty nice.
Yeah you guys are still fresh huh? I love your "Letters to Lucia" stuff by the way. Very cool.
And today I play your Christmas CD from years passed for my students. Remember? Good stuff.
Yeah, that was a good CD. I remember I had my kids make their own CD's for their parents...which I now realize is illegal. Oh well.
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