While I continue to grieve I find myself asking myself numerous questions. But I also find myself succumbing to a state of paranoia. I wonder if Fear is another stage of grieving or if it is just a natural thing for me personally and this experience is bringing it out.
Obviously, I am questioning the after life and the idea of the soul. These are topics I have been questioning already with an intention to be objective and not swayed by what I want to believe or allowing emotion to fog my thinking. This time I am affected by emotion.
I am also trying to find meaning in this experience. I question whether there really is meaning in things. Do coincidences happen for a reason? Is there a "higher power" dictating things? I still do not think so. I want to believe in a God. I believe there is a force that one can call God that connects us all. But I don't think this force is a puppeteer. I don't think it directly guides us or makes things happen. I think we guide ourselves. I think we determine whether coincidences have meaning or not. I think we determine whether something is a message or not. I think we are all connected in an eternally intricate 3-D maybe 4-D web with all living things. Everything we do affects everything else and ourselves. Everything everyone else does affects us in some way big or small. There is no beginning or end to this massive, complicated web. So naturally, as countless things happen to us all the time and may seem connected to other things, they are since they are part of the same web. We can attribute these things to other things happening or not. We can decide to use these things as "messages" or guides.....or not.
But the Fear. The fear is what scares me. Oh really you say, fear makes you afraid? You are bonafide genius! The irrational fear I am feeling is not right. I already would worry about ridiculous stuff after my daughter's episodes. Now this experience is only reinforcing this behavior or thinking. I question if this is natural or if this is unique. What should I do to ease the fear? How do I address it and move on from it in a healthy manner?
Friday, June 27, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Grieving
I remember learning long ago in my psych 101 courses in college and books I read later that when one encounters a traumatic life event they need to go through a process of 5 steps to properly handle it. These steps begin with Shock/Denial and proceed to Anger, Questioning, Sadness or Depression and finally Acceptance. I also remember Bargaining as a step but the basic premise remains with or without it.
Many people don't allow themselves to process through all the steps or to experience some of them fully. Others may get too caught up in a particular step and become obsessed or fixiated. When this happens the harmful effects can last awhile and intrude other parts and people in their lives.
It is good to experience all of them even anger and sadness. I recall stating this at my grandmother's funeral as I spoke during the ceremony. I said the experience was good. I meant that. I meant that the experience we all were sharing was a good one. We were crying, sharing memories and positive attributes about B and creating an energy together progressing through the 5 steps. I vividly recall the feelings of acceptance I had as we left the next day.
While we generally progress through these steps in order, many times we regress back to a prior step before progressing to the next. Sometimes we may fall back several steps just to skip ahead several and vice versa. I find it comforting that regressing in the steps doesn't necessarily mean you are not working your way through the pain properly. I can easily relate to getting angry over things I thought I was accepting or questioning my way through.
The questioning stage can be a very spiritual period of grief. As you ask yourself "why me?" and "how can God let this happen?" you need to avoid the self blame but you find yourself thinking about the after-life, pain and suffering to a point that hopefully progresses you to a place you are trying to get to or strengthening a place where you already are. But once again, getting fixiated on this step may cause more damage than healing.
To those who read this, try to remember during times of hardship that is it ok to feel these five stages. In fact, it is recommended to "do your time" in each stage to help you heal appropriately. Life goes on and so should you.
Time for me to practice what I preach.......
Many people don't allow themselves to process through all the steps or to experience some of them fully. Others may get too caught up in a particular step and become obsessed or fixiated. When this happens the harmful effects can last awhile and intrude other parts and people in their lives.
It is good to experience all of them even anger and sadness. I recall stating this at my grandmother's funeral as I spoke during the ceremony. I said the experience was good. I meant that. I meant that the experience we all were sharing was a good one. We were crying, sharing memories and positive attributes about B and creating an energy together progressing through the 5 steps. I vividly recall the feelings of acceptance I had as we left the next day.
While we generally progress through these steps in order, many times we regress back to a prior step before progressing to the next. Sometimes we may fall back several steps just to skip ahead several and vice versa. I find it comforting that regressing in the steps doesn't necessarily mean you are not working your way through the pain properly. I can easily relate to getting angry over things I thought I was accepting or questioning my way through.
The questioning stage can be a very spiritual period of grief. As you ask yourself "why me?" and "how can God let this happen?" you need to avoid the self blame but you find yourself thinking about the after-life, pain and suffering to a point that hopefully progresses you to a place you are trying to get to or strengthening a place where you already are. But once again, getting fixiated on this step may cause more damage than healing.
To those who read this, try to remember during times of hardship that is it ok to feel these five stages. In fact, it is recommended to "do your time" in each stage to help you heal appropriately. Life goes on and so should you.
Time for me to practice what I preach.......
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Times of Struggle
I have lived a "blessed life," a term I have heard alot lately. I grew up in a safe neighborhood and household and had many things provided for me with opportunities to earn things and avoid too much of an self-entitled feeling.
But everyone has their cross or crosses to bear and adulthood has now presented me with several. It has been a real test of my intestinal fortitude, mental strength and belief in what is good with this world. I am writing this blog today in an effort to maintain any strength I have. I am really being challenged as my family enters a time where we will have to make some extremely difficult decisions and deal with some major pain and guilt. I choose to blog to help me express my feelings, but I choose to keep the details private and asked loved ones to respect in that in any comments.
What I want to write about though is how times like this really do make you stronger. And they really do have important meaning. This experience along with prior experiences with my daughter have taught me this.
Five years ago to the month I dealt with some scary news. For the first time in my life I had to face adversity head on as a primary decision maker and handle it appropriately. It was not a one day, one event experience. It was something I would have to live with, deal with and handle in a way that was best for my daughter. Since then there have been recurring experiences like this and although they have been worse when you sit down and analyze it, it was much easier for me to handle after the first time through. I have changed almost every aspect of my life as a result of these experiences and would like to think it has mostly been for the better. I haven't run away. I haven't drowned my sorrows in drugs or alcohol or gambling or women or anything like that. But don't think it didn't cross my mind.
Proof that you do get stronger.
Now I am dealing with another horrific situation in my life. Once again I need to transcend this pain and sorrow and help make decisions that will affect the rest of my family's lives. And I am going to have to handle things in the best way. I can't stop crying. I can't stop hurting inside. I am trying really hard not to put blame anywhere, especially myself because that is where it tends to go in my head. But I am struggling.
This time though, I feel like I can do this. I really am drawing on my past experiences and people around me and outlets like this blog to express myself. As usual, I have a supporting cast that anyone would pay millions for. They have proven their love and support in all of their own, unique ways time and time again in the past, so naturally they continue to do so.
So I end this post as I began...."I am living a blessed life." Now if I can just get myself to believe it in this particular instance of tears.
And please let me know when I get dealt a winning hand....PLEASE!
But everyone has their cross or crosses to bear and adulthood has now presented me with several. It has been a real test of my intestinal fortitude, mental strength and belief in what is good with this world. I am writing this blog today in an effort to maintain any strength I have. I am really being challenged as my family enters a time where we will have to make some extremely difficult decisions and deal with some major pain and guilt. I choose to blog to help me express my feelings, but I choose to keep the details private and asked loved ones to respect in that in any comments.
What I want to write about though is how times like this really do make you stronger. And they really do have important meaning. This experience along with prior experiences with my daughter have taught me this.
Five years ago to the month I dealt with some scary news. For the first time in my life I had to face adversity head on as a primary decision maker and handle it appropriately. It was not a one day, one event experience. It was something I would have to live with, deal with and handle in a way that was best for my daughter. Since then there have been recurring experiences like this and although they have been worse when you sit down and analyze it, it was much easier for me to handle after the first time through. I have changed almost every aspect of my life as a result of these experiences and would like to think it has mostly been for the better. I haven't run away. I haven't drowned my sorrows in drugs or alcohol or gambling or women or anything like that. But don't think it didn't cross my mind.
Proof that you do get stronger.
Now I am dealing with another horrific situation in my life. Once again I need to transcend this pain and sorrow and help make decisions that will affect the rest of my family's lives. And I am going to have to handle things in the best way. I can't stop crying. I can't stop hurting inside. I am trying really hard not to put blame anywhere, especially myself because that is where it tends to go in my head. But I am struggling.
This time though, I feel like I can do this. I really am drawing on my past experiences and people around me and outlets like this blog to express myself. As usual, I have a supporting cast that anyone would pay millions for. They have proven their love and support in all of their own, unique ways time and time again in the past, so naturally they continue to do so.
So I end this post as I began...."I am living a blessed life." Now if I can just get myself to believe it in this particular instance of tears.
And please let me know when I get dealt a winning hand....PLEASE!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Hanzel und Gretyl
I don't claim or aspire to be a metalhead, but I do enjoy a good metal show when a good one comes around and last night one did.
Back in the mid-90's when I attended Ohio State, I lived with several guys that I still consider good friends of mine. We would listen to a number a great metal bands from Ministry to Tool to Metallica to a number of other bands I had never heard of and still rarely do. But their tastes were always reliable.
Back in college, I joined these friends of mine to attend a show (whose headliner shall remain nameless due to the shame that exists in my head for ever seeing them...twice) and I witnessed firsthand, for the first time the epic performance of Hanzel und Gretyl. They opened for this anonymous band and were well worth the price of admission on their own. They can be categorized as industrial metal with the futuristic machine, post apocalyptic style they feature and can be credited for opening the door for similar sounding Rammstein, a German metal band that found some modest popularity in the US during the late 90s. But don't be fooled by their German lyrics and references....they are straight outta New York.
Since that unbelieveable show I have continued to listen to their stuff when I could. Not being the metalhead most of their fans are, my listening would come and go in spurts.
Last night I finally had an opportunity to see them again at Skully's in Columbus, Ohio. It may have been 12 years or so since they kicked Newport's ass, but they haven't lost an ounce of the pure, intense, ear splitting, German rage metal they demonstrated in the 90s.
This video's audio isn't exactly synced up right but it accurately shows what they looked like. Obviously the sound is better live than over a videophone or whatever took this clip.
They opened with "Number 1 in Deutschland" and never paused. Straight through "Loud and Proud" to "Fukken Uber Death Party" as an encore, they had the crowd in a frenzy pulling people up to the stage to join in the rock. It was a good hour or so of straight up metal. Kaizer Von Loopy in his WW2 style helmet with a skull on the front and winged creature on top rocked out pulling all the standard rock star moves stage diving and getting floated atop the crowd, drinking shots and beers from the audience and discarding the bottles aimlessly and carelessly. Meanwhile Vas Kallas, who we estimated at 45-50 years old by now due to her work in Cylce Sluts From Hell in the early 80s, pumped her roaring, deep death vocals that would make most men's voices sound like a kitten's meow.
My ears continue to ring but it was well worth it. I haven't experienced a great metal show like that in a long time. I may have stuck out like a sore thumb in the midst of all the chain clad metalheads with black t-shirts covered with over the top offensive language and white face paint traced with black eye liner and lipstick, but I bet I enjoyed the show as much.
Well, maybe almost as much. I wasn't riding high on the stuff that most of them probably were on, but my point is:
AAAARRRRRRWWWWWWWWWGGGGGRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Monday, June 16, 2008
NBA Finals vs. U.S. Open
Sports fans: What have you been watching?
Did you find yourself captivated by the NBA's championship series between the most storied franchises in the sport? Were you awed by the opportunity to watch a reconnection with the old glory days of the NBA's yesteryear? Did you soak up the glamorous highlights of Magic v. Bird? Abdul-Jabbar v. Parrish? Worthy v. Mchale? Or even the earlier matchups between these rivals?
Or did you find it hard to pull away from Tiger prowling (as if that term hasn't overused for Eldrick Woods) the fairways and greens of Torrey Pines at the U.S. Open? Were you interested in seeing if he could return from knee surgery and win his first event back, a major event at that? Did you smile in amazement as he hit remarkable putt after remarkable putt to close in and ultimately take lead after the 3rd round setting up an epic battle Sunday and Monday?
While I consider myself a basketball fan I question the validity of that statement as my casual interest in golf took, not only a front seat to the NBA Finals, but destroyed any interest in it at all!
Granted, the Cavs loss to the Celtics in the second round knowing full well they could have won and would have won against the Pistons in the following series killed my NBA buzz. Throw in Donaghy's claims that my worst fears may be true and the NBA officials are "yes" men to the NBA administration tayloring the outcomes to best fit the NBA's greater interests (See Lakers v. Celtics this year through trades of Gasol and Garnett that were questionable in fairness at best) and I have even more reasons to switch my attention to Tiger and Rocco.
I will be the first to admit my fandom to pro basketball weighs heavily on the success of my hometown Cavaliers (childhood hometown). As a whole I prefer NCAA basketball over the NBA even when my alma mater Buckeyes aren't successful thanks in large part to the tournament. But never has it taken a back seat to golf; an old man's sport in my mind.
Thanks to Tiger Woods that kind of thinking is old fashioned and neanderthal. Over the past few years my interest in golf has increased from Sunday afternoons of majors to common tournaments to all four rounds of majors. I love to root for Tiger which contradicts my usual preference of the underdog. Why is that? Could it be, as my friend has stated, that it is cool to see him beat up on old, rich white guys who have literally owned this sport for so many decades "at their own game"? Another topic for another post, but Tiger has singlehandledly pulled me and many other fellow sports fans of my generation into golf. I may have still gained interest in the sport as I entered the age where a round of golf is commonplace as recreation. And I may have discovered it in an effort to fill boring summer weekends with something other than reality tv or trashy crap. But Tiger makes it fun.
Sunday I rooted for Tiger to tie Rocco despite my usual practice of rooting hard for the underdog...I am from Cleveland after all. Well, the "Cleveland" area anyway. I loved each and every pressure packed shot he made. I was thrilled by the emotion he showed and amazing shots he made. But Monday I quickly returned to my normal state and pulled for Rocco, a guy who is hard not to like as you watch him play and interview. I really wanted him to beat the mighty Goliath dressed in red. He almost did just that making 19, or hell, all 91 holes of golf as entertaining as any of the games between Boston and L.A. For the record, I have not watched more than 5 minutes total of the NBA Finals and don't plan to watch any more.
And I can't play basketball with my Dad like I can play a round of golf.
Did you find yourself captivated by the NBA's championship series between the most storied franchises in the sport? Were you awed by the opportunity to watch a reconnection with the old glory days of the NBA's yesteryear? Did you soak up the glamorous highlights of Magic v. Bird? Abdul-Jabbar v. Parrish? Worthy v. Mchale? Or even the earlier matchups between these rivals?
Or did you find it hard to pull away from Tiger prowling (as if that term hasn't overused for Eldrick Woods) the fairways and greens of Torrey Pines at the U.S. Open? Were you interested in seeing if he could return from knee surgery and win his first event back, a major event at that? Did you smile in amazement as he hit remarkable putt after remarkable putt to close in and ultimately take lead after the 3rd round setting up an epic battle Sunday and Monday?
While I consider myself a basketball fan I question the validity of that statement as my casual interest in golf took, not only a front seat to the NBA Finals, but destroyed any interest in it at all!
Granted, the Cavs loss to the Celtics in the second round knowing full well they could have won and would have won against the Pistons in the following series killed my NBA buzz. Throw in Donaghy's claims that my worst fears may be true and the NBA officials are "yes" men to the NBA administration tayloring the outcomes to best fit the NBA's greater interests (See Lakers v. Celtics this year through trades of Gasol and Garnett that were questionable in fairness at best) and I have even more reasons to switch my attention to Tiger and Rocco.
I will be the first to admit my fandom to pro basketball weighs heavily on the success of my hometown Cavaliers (childhood hometown). As a whole I prefer NCAA basketball over the NBA even when my alma mater Buckeyes aren't successful thanks in large part to the tournament. But never has it taken a back seat to golf; an old man's sport in my mind.
Thanks to Tiger Woods that kind of thinking is old fashioned and neanderthal. Over the past few years my interest in golf has increased from Sunday afternoons of majors to common tournaments to all four rounds of majors. I love to root for Tiger which contradicts my usual preference of the underdog. Why is that? Could it be, as my friend has stated, that it is cool to see him beat up on old, rich white guys who have literally owned this sport for so many decades "at their own game"? Another topic for another post, but Tiger has singlehandledly pulled me and many other fellow sports fans of my generation into golf. I may have still gained interest in the sport as I entered the age where a round of golf is commonplace as recreation. And I may have discovered it in an effort to fill boring summer weekends with something other than reality tv or trashy crap. But Tiger makes it fun.
Sunday I rooted for Tiger to tie Rocco despite my usual practice of rooting hard for the underdog...I am from Cleveland after all. Well, the "Cleveland" area anyway. I loved each and every pressure packed shot he made. I was thrilled by the emotion he showed and amazing shots he made. But Monday I quickly returned to my normal state and pulled for Rocco, a guy who is hard not to like as you watch him play and interview. I really wanted him to beat the mighty Goliath dressed in red. He almost did just that making 19, or hell, all 91 holes of golf as entertaining as any of the games between Boston and L.A. For the record, I have not watched more than 5 minutes total of the NBA Finals and don't plan to watch any more.
And I can't play basketball with my Dad like I can play a round of golf.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Father's Day
I have blogged about being a Father, which I take very seriously as you have noticed. I am very proud of being a Father. Today, in honor of Father's Day, I would like to pay tribute to my Father who has been my model for Fatherhood and how I try raise my daughter and child to be.
My Dad has taught me as much as any Father. He has shown me how to be a man, husband, son, neighbor, friend, trusted set of ears, shoulder to cry on, financial advisor, emotional supporter, teacher, coach and good person.
I want to share with you how much respect and love I have for my Dad through several stories from my life that highlight his best qualities.
Money
Growing up he would give us an allowance every Friday regardless of whether we did our chores or not. I remember thinking that we were getting away with highway robbery but later found out that his goal was not so much to get us to do chores, (I think he was pretty lax in that department but also figured we should do that regardless of allowance) but to teach us to handle money appropriately. By giving us a "ration" each week and then holding us to it when we wanted to buy that candy bar staring at us waiting in line at the store, we were forced with the decision of how important that treat was to us. Through those experiences we learned the scarcity of money. It also probably got us off his back when we were at the store by getting us to quit begging him for stuff which can be awfully annoying for a parent (or teacher).
Education
I also remember how much emphasis he put on grades. He was of the belief that all three of us were more than capable of getting all A's and we were. He knew the gene pool we came from and it was unlikely two extremely intelligent people like my parents would have offspring that just could not get A's. But he also knew that A's took work. So as we grew older and our friends were dealing with authoritative parents trying to keep them out of trouble, Dad would continue to point to the grades as an indicator of our behavior and prospects of success later in life.
I understand this method could be debated and wouldn't work for every kid, but that was the greatness of my Father. He knew his kids. He knew this method would work with us. He let alot of things go, but he didn't give an inch on grades. I never got that feel good "atta boy, son!" for a B. Shoot, even A's were treated as expected. When I faltered in college, he immediately lit a fire under my butt that propelled me to the A's I should have earned long before. As grown adults, my brother and sister and I have managed to get where we are now rather successfully albeit totally different places (i.e. teaching, business and entertainment), in large part due to our education.
I am grateful he did this because even though I didn't consistently get the 4.0 that my siblings did (for reasons that can be blogged about later), it was a tangible motivator for me that instilled this value for education and success later in college.
Being the Better Person
My Dad has been a model for me in numerous facets of life. One way is the grace, maturity and compassion that he handled the divorce with my mom. It couldn't have been an easy thing for him to deal with, yet he was so supportive, understanding and caring through the whole thing. The way he continues to handle his relationship with my mother is admirable. Instead of being bitter and resentful, he has shown how humans should treat each other keeping an eye on what really is important. He continues to support her as she does him. He made sure things were done for the best of all parties involved. Obviously, no one can say it was an easy transition, but it could have been so much worse.
As I have dealt with divorce myself, I have tried to be the same way. Now that I am "in his shoes," I appreciate just how mature and strong he has been with the whole thing. It is such a slippery slope into those negative feelings of anger, self-pity and bitterness. But from my point of view, he never came close. To this day he defends my mother's side and never complains.
Definition of Strength
If you have been reading this blog or know me personally, you have probably noticed that I don't fall into that stereotypical "manly man" category. My Dad taught me through example that strength is much more broad than muscles and ability to hold in your emotions. I can credit my mom for wearing my heart on my sleeve, but my Dad showed me that sometimes that is ok. He welcomed the opportunity to allow me to cry on his shoulder. I still remember leaving a mark on the shoulder of his nice shirt after church or some dress up event one day in the living room sitting on the piano bench. He wasn't the least bit bothered by it. He was quick to give me a hug if I looked distraught. He also was willing to be the one to give in when we argued to make peace....even though I was obviously out of line.
He showed me strength wasn't always being the "man," but being the better man. Sometimes justice wasn't as important as peace. Doing what is right is more important than winning. I am not sure he directly told me this, but showed me it through his actions.
Financial Advisor
As I entered adulthood and began buying cars and houses and insurance and making decisions about retirement and so on, I would call Dad (and will continue to do so) before I'd pull the trigger on anything. Before I knew it, he would come calling with a spreadsheet and thorough explanation of all my options and their effects. Without him, who knows where I would be right now.
Support System
During any time of need my Dad has been there in anyway I needed at the drop of a hat. When my daughter was in the hospital, he never hesitated to pack his emergency bag, tie up his loose end responsibilities and drive down I-71 to be there with me. Whether it meant standing by my side with a hand on my shoulder, providing me with that shoulder again to cry on, take notes of what the doctors were saying, asking questions I couldn't get out in the midst of my mind running a million miles a second, going home to make sure my house is ok or to get me a change of clothes, running down to pay for more time parking or move the car to the garage, finding the vending machines, looking for times the cafeteria would be open, calling other family members and the list goes on, he would be there to do it all and more.
I remembered this last month when my grandmother, his mother passed away. My knee-jerk reaction was, "I gotta get up there to be with him." It must have been instinct because I was programmed that way from my experience on the other side.
And I can't end this section without mentioning his undying support of his mother as she progressed through Alzheimer's. Again, a tough, tough situation to handle yet he dealt with it with such grace and love. He visited her everyday and advocated for her 100% for 100% of the time. She was able to live a comfortable and pleasant life to the end because of his unending support and care.
Mr. Fix-it
Oh yes, Dad couldn't fix much. Paying somebody else to fix it was the best solution. I think his favorite tool was the pen. A pen to write the check. I am my Father's son!
Sports
I can't end this post without mentioning one of my favorite memories of my Dad. While he never was the type of Father to push me into sports or expect me to be this great athlete, he was such a great fan. I played so many years of soccer and a number of years playing city league baseball and softball in my childhood but nothing stands out as much as my dad standing on the sidelines away from the other parents cheering me on and yelling encouragement from the sidelines. Whether it was screaming to back up another defender or yelling the name of an open teammate to pass the ball to, he was so into it and I loved every minute of it. Finally, I loved the numerous driveway basketball games or frontyard football games that he would play with us. He was always the dad that got out there with us and played along....even now, bowling with is granddaughter.
That's my awesome Dad. I'm trying to be the same kind of Dad to my kids because of his awesomeness.
My Dad has taught me as much as any Father. He has shown me how to be a man, husband, son, neighbor, friend, trusted set of ears, shoulder to cry on, financial advisor, emotional supporter, teacher, coach and good person.
I want to share with you how much respect and love I have for my Dad through several stories from my life that highlight his best qualities.
Money
Growing up he would give us an allowance every Friday regardless of whether we did our chores or not. I remember thinking that we were getting away with highway robbery but later found out that his goal was not so much to get us to do chores, (I think he was pretty lax in that department but also figured we should do that regardless of allowance) but to teach us to handle money appropriately. By giving us a "ration" each week and then holding us to it when we wanted to buy that candy bar staring at us waiting in line at the store, we were forced with the decision of how important that treat was to us. Through those experiences we learned the scarcity of money. It also probably got us off his back when we were at the store by getting us to quit begging him for stuff which can be awfully annoying for a parent (or teacher).
Education
I also remember how much emphasis he put on grades. He was of the belief that all three of us were more than capable of getting all A's and we were. He knew the gene pool we came from and it was unlikely two extremely intelligent people like my parents would have offspring that just could not get A's. But he also knew that A's took work. So as we grew older and our friends were dealing with authoritative parents trying to keep them out of trouble, Dad would continue to point to the grades as an indicator of our behavior and prospects of success later in life.
I understand this method could be debated and wouldn't work for every kid, but that was the greatness of my Father. He knew his kids. He knew this method would work with us. He let alot of things go, but he didn't give an inch on grades. I never got that feel good "atta boy, son!" for a B. Shoot, even A's were treated as expected. When I faltered in college, he immediately lit a fire under my butt that propelled me to the A's I should have earned long before. As grown adults, my brother and sister and I have managed to get where we are now rather successfully albeit totally different places (i.e. teaching, business and entertainment), in large part due to our education.
I am grateful he did this because even though I didn't consistently get the 4.0 that my siblings did (for reasons that can be blogged about later), it was a tangible motivator for me that instilled this value for education and success later in college.
Being the Better Person
My Dad has been a model for me in numerous facets of life. One way is the grace, maturity and compassion that he handled the divorce with my mom. It couldn't have been an easy thing for him to deal with, yet he was so supportive, understanding and caring through the whole thing. The way he continues to handle his relationship with my mother is admirable. Instead of being bitter and resentful, he has shown how humans should treat each other keeping an eye on what really is important. He continues to support her as she does him. He made sure things were done for the best of all parties involved. Obviously, no one can say it was an easy transition, but it could have been so much worse.
As I have dealt with divorce myself, I have tried to be the same way. Now that I am "in his shoes," I appreciate just how mature and strong he has been with the whole thing. It is such a slippery slope into those negative feelings of anger, self-pity and bitterness. But from my point of view, he never came close. To this day he defends my mother's side and never complains.
Definition of Strength
If you have been reading this blog or know me personally, you have probably noticed that I don't fall into that stereotypical "manly man" category. My Dad taught me through example that strength is much more broad than muscles and ability to hold in your emotions. I can credit my mom for wearing my heart on my sleeve, but my Dad showed me that sometimes that is ok. He welcomed the opportunity to allow me to cry on his shoulder. I still remember leaving a mark on the shoulder of his nice shirt after church or some dress up event one day in the living room sitting on the piano bench. He wasn't the least bit bothered by it. He was quick to give me a hug if I looked distraught. He also was willing to be the one to give in when we argued to make peace....even though I was obviously out of line.
He showed me strength wasn't always being the "man," but being the better man. Sometimes justice wasn't as important as peace. Doing what is right is more important than winning. I am not sure he directly told me this, but showed me it through his actions.
Financial Advisor
As I entered adulthood and began buying cars and houses and insurance and making decisions about retirement and so on, I would call Dad (and will continue to do so) before I'd pull the trigger on anything. Before I knew it, he would come calling with a spreadsheet and thorough explanation of all my options and their effects. Without him, who knows where I would be right now.
Support System
During any time of need my Dad has been there in anyway I needed at the drop of a hat. When my daughter was in the hospital, he never hesitated to pack his emergency bag, tie up his loose end responsibilities and drive down I-71 to be there with me. Whether it meant standing by my side with a hand on my shoulder, providing me with that shoulder again to cry on, take notes of what the doctors were saying, asking questions I couldn't get out in the midst of my mind running a million miles a second, going home to make sure my house is ok or to get me a change of clothes, running down to pay for more time parking or move the car to the garage, finding the vending machines, looking for times the cafeteria would be open, calling other family members and the list goes on, he would be there to do it all and more.
I remembered this last month when my grandmother, his mother passed away. My knee-jerk reaction was, "I gotta get up there to be with him." It must have been instinct because I was programmed that way from my experience on the other side.
And I can't end this section without mentioning his undying support of his mother as she progressed through Alzheimer's. Again, a tough, tough situation to handle yet he dealt with it with such grace and love. He visited her everyday and advocated for her 100% for 100% of the time. She was able to live a comfortable and pleasant life to the end because of his unending support and care.
Mr. Fix-it
Oh yes, Dad couldn't fix much. Paying somebody else to fix it was the best solution. I think his favorite tool was the pen. A pen to write the check. I am my Father's son!
Sports
I can't end this post without mentioning one of my favorite memories of my Dad. While he never was the type of Father to push me into sports or expect me to be this great athlete, he was such a great fan. I played so many years of soccer and a number of years playing city league baseball and softball in my childhood but nothing stands out as much as my dad standing on the sidelines away from the other parents cheering me on and yelling encouragement from the sidelines. Whether it was screaming to back up another defender or yelling the name of an open teammate to pass the ball to, he was so into it and I loved every minute of it. Finally, I loved the numerous driveway basketball games or frontyard football games that he would play with us. He was always the dad that got out there with us and played along....even now, bowling with is granddaughter.
That's my awesome Dad. I'm trying to be the same kind of Dad to my kids because of his awesomeness.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
More opinions
As I drove around with my daughter today listening to the radio a song came on by Live, a standard rock band maybe classified as alternative but that is up for debate. Anyway, I recalled how numerous people I know mentioned they like Live. I don't. So I thought I would present a list of bands that are generally well liked by my peers but disliked by me. This is not necessarily a judgement on their quality because I, and sometimes my peers, do not know quality music when we hear it. Also, some of my peers do know quality music, just not all. Again, this is a matter of opinion not fact.
Live- As I already stated, I have yet to hear a friend of mine agree that this band stinks. I don't know why I think so, but I just never got into them.
Rush- If I had a dime for every time I have to hear how their drummer is the best drummer of all time and how epic this band is.......but I like ZERO songs by this group and refuse to give any other stuff I haven't heard a chance.
Dave Matthews Band- Yes, college girls around the country back in the 90s have every right to get into this "jam band" as they dance around in their bare feet on the lawn of outdoor amphitheaters across the land, but I don't have to like it. Honestly, the radio overkill of these guys is what did it for me. Once they began to fade off the radio I actually began to enjoy some of their stuff. I liked the character Dave Matthews played in the movie, "Because of Winn Dixie" and started to change my opinion because he seemed like a cool guy, but the new radio station in Columbus, 106.7 which is pretty cool, has regressed back to the 90s overkill of DMB and rekindling my old feelings.
Blues Traveler- For all I know this guy is a musical genius. But it means little because I find every song I have heard by them annoying. I saw them live when I worked at Polaris Amphitheater in Columbus and still didn't like them. The crows sure did....but to this day I avoid their stuff.
Matchbox 20-Sorry Kathryn and Vicki, I do not like any of their stuff. Blah!
Garth Brooks-The one song that gets played at the end of wedding receptions (Friends in Low Places I think) is kinda cool when I've been drinking but otherwise.....can't stand his stuff.
_________________________________________________________
Here are some artists/bands that most of my peers seem to dislike but I can't help but enjoy:
Journey-My main man Norm will agree but otherwise, it seems to be the older generation that feels my love for the power ballad kings of the 80s. Man, there is no better music to tap your foot with authority to than the Steven Perry led power rock songs by Journey.
Bryan Adams-Oh so bad that I can't help but sing along. I mean how many of his stuff did we grow up on sitting in the back seat of the car as mom drove us to soccer practice, tee ball games or friends' sleepovers.
Barry Manilow- Takes me back to the days working at the Butcher shop. I know way too many words to way too many of his songs.
Huey Lewis and The News-Some great 80s pop. I remember using copies of one of his album covers as my poster to run for student council in grade school. I lost. But it was a sweet poster: "Huey Lewis says- 'Put a Fellow Huey in Office. Vote 6th grader John Huey for Student Council'" I thought it was clever.
Linkin Park-I know they appeal more to angry teenagers and they are commercial and "artificial" using computers and "inorganic" sounds and may seem manufactured but I have bought in.
Both lists can go on but I'd like to hear some bands you enjoy that most of your peers don't and vice versa.
Or points of mine that you disagree with. I bet there are a bunch.
Live- As I already stated, I have yet to hear a friend of mine agree that this band stinks. I don't know why I think so, but I just never got into them.
Rush- If I had a dime for every time I have to hear how their drummer is the best drummer of all time and how epic this band is.......but I like ZERO songs by this group and refuse to give any other stuff I haven't heard a chance.
Dave Matthews Band- Yes, college girls around the country back in the 90s have every right to get into this "jam band" as they dance around in their bare feet on the lawn of outdoor amphitheaters across the land, but I don't have to like it. Honestly, the radio overkill of these guys is what did it for me. Once they began to fade off the radio I actually began to enjoy some of their stuff. I liked the character Dave Matthews played in the movie, "Because of Winn Dixie" and started to change my opinion because he seemed like a cool guy, but the new radio station in Columbus, 106.7 which is pretty cool, has regressed back to the 90s overkill of DMB and rekindling my old feelings.
Blues Traveler- For all I know this guy is a musical genius. But it means little because I find every song I have heard by them annoying. I saw them live when I worked at Polaris Amphitheater in Columbus and still didn't like them. The crows sure did....but to this day I avoid their stuff.
Matchbox 20-Sorry Kathryn and Vicki, I do not like any of their stuff. Blah!
Garth Brooks-The one song that gets played at the end of wedding receptions (Friends in Low Places I think) is kinda cool when I've been drinking but otherwise.....can't stand his stuff.
_________________________________________________________
Here are some artists/bands that most of my peers seem to dislike but I can't help but enjoy:
Journey-My main man Norm will agree but otherwise, it seems to be the older generation that feels my love for the power ballad kings of the 80s. Man, there is no better music to tap your foot with authority to than the Steven Perry led power rock songs by Journey.
Bryan Adams-Oh so bad that I can't help but sing along. I mean how many of his stuff did we grow up on sitting in the back seat of the car as mom drove us to soccer practice, tee ball games or friends' sleepovers.
Barry Manilow- Takes me back to the days working at the Butcher shop. I know way too many words to way too many of his songs.
Huey Lewis and The News-Some great 80s pop. I remember using copies of one of his album covers as my poster to run for student council in grade school. I lost. But it was a sweet poster: "Huey Lewis says- 'Put a Fellow Huey in Office. Vote 6th grader John Huey for Student Council'" I thought it was clever.
Linkin Park-I know they appeal more to angry teenagers and they are commercial and "artificial" using computers and "inorganic" sounds and may seem manufactured but I have bought in.
Both lists can go on but I'd like to hear some bands you enjoy that most of your peers don't and vice versa.
Or points of mine that you disagree with. I bet there are a bunch.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
In my opinion....
I have stayed away from politics for the most part on this blog because I am quite ignorant about them. But I obviously have an opinion on many hot button issues of today so I am taking this opportunity to share with you my stance on some things and look forward to reading some comments that may support or disagree with my positions.
First of all, let me begin by stating that overall, I am rather moderate in my views I would think. I fall on the left on a number of issues but on the right on others. Many times my views have changed as I have grown up, entered different stages of life or experienced things to see them differently.
2008 Election:
I voted for Barack Obama in the Ohio primary. I am not a 100% backer of Obama though. I like Hillary Clinton as well. In fact, I even fell into that category of people that may lean democrat but liked McCain. I still prefer McCain over any of the other Republican candidates. But I as I have read more about McCain, I have become less comfortable with him.
So as of now, I would love to see a Obama/Clinton ticket. Here's why: I am a proponent of change and I think they will bring it. Things are really bad right now and have been for awhile. I can't tell you why or whose fault it is, but it's somebody's. So fresh blood needs to be infused.
I like the fact that they are really pumping changes in Healthcare. I am not knowledgeable enough regarding their ideas or how well they will go over in Congress and much of that, but something needs to be done and I feel there is a better chance something will be done to help the middle and lower class if they are elected. That is pretty much the running theme for me in most other issues: Which candidates will help the middle class most? I highly doubt Republican John McCain will.
Gay Marriage
I strongly have a problem with people's basic civil liberties being taken from them. I was under the impression that this country was founded on freedom. We obviously had issues with this for over a century and still do in terms of race. But it seems like we have been at least trying to move in the right direction over the past 50 years. It seemed like progress has been made with the feminist movement, civil rights and so on. So why take such a step backwards?
Also, I was under the impression that this country was founded on the freedom of religion and separation of church and state. I will respect a religion's view that homosexuality is wrong. While I disagree and will choose not to practice that religion, I will continue to respect that belief system unless it gets to the point of promoting the harming of gays as a result. These religions should therefore have the right to not recognize the union of same sex couples. But the government should not be making this decisions based on these religion's particular beliefs either. I understand many people like to use religion to drive morality but it gets very scary the more you do this. Religion has been used to oppress many people many times throughout history currently with the lack of gay rights and even in the before the civil war to justify slavery.
In a democracy it should be up to the people. And as it has been, the people of this hillbilly state have voted same sex unions down. So I can't say much except that my vote and opinion is for the freedom of same sex couples to be united and sharing in the benefits of traditional couples. Love is love. Both parties are able to aknowledge it and honor it, so I support it.
Welfare
I feel as though there are people in our country that need assistance and the government should be responsible in part to provide them with it. As fellow citizens, we should chip in.
Even if we have a problem with giving our hard earned money to other people we have no "connection" with, it benefits us in the end as the overall quality of life will be better. I don't feel good when I see or hear about people living on the streets or unable to get medicine especially children. I don't like driving around run down areas. I don't like being a victim of crime because someone is desperate for money.
While I realize this can never be completely fixed and people get themselves in these predictaments much of the time and should get themselves out, there are legitimate situations where honest people need help. I, too, have a problem with people living off the system. I understand welfare, obviously, won't fix it. And I worry the system promotes laziness and feelings of self-entitlement, but we can eradicate this without ridding our fellow citizens of welfare all together. We just need to rethink it and do it right.
Death Penalty
Simply put: I am for it. I know it isn't a reliable deterent. I know it costs alot. I am also afraid of killing someone who didn't commit the crime. But when it comes to serial killers, rapists, mass murders and major criminals, they need to be removed from our society completely. They did it, so they should suffer the same consequences.
Abortion
Toughest one for me. In my heart I am pro life. And in my life I choose to do everything I can to handle my situations in a prolife manner. But I see the other side clearly. The woman's body is the woman's body. There are situations when abortion unfortunately needs to happen. I think if we asked God what the correct stance on this one is, it would say something both sides would not want to hear. (Kathryn M. Huey circa 2005)
In my mind, the focus of both sides should be more on finding a way to prevent the reasons for abortion as much as we can in the first place. For example, wising up and providing birth control in schools. It won't promote more sex. New flash: Kids are already doing it. They have been for decades now. No sex until you are responsible enough to handle it is ideal and should be emphasized but let's be real, kids will aren't going to listen so prepare a back up plan.
If all the time in energy we spend fighting about what is right was spent on how we can avoid unwanted, unprepared pregnancies in the first place I think we could get so much closer to not needing abortions (except EXTREME conditions).
Education
NCLB stinks. Holding teachers accountable is a good idea but this not the way to do it. Penalizing instead of rewarding isn't a successful tactic in this case. Education 101 could teach you that. Funding for schools in Ohio, at the very least, has been ruled uncontitutional several times and nothing is being done about it. More and more pressure is put on the teachers with less and less support. The students need people. Teachers need people. We are spinning our wheels in the mud changing the ways we teach every couple years and keep missing the point. The problems are coming in with the kids from the streets or homes. Teachers then have to deal with them directly or indirectly before they even start to teach. How do we solve this? PEOPLE! Resources IN THE SHOOLS. Social workers, nurses all day everyday, assistant principals, classroom aides beyond kindergarden and security.
Then as we teach, please let us teach fundamentals in the lower grades. Middle schools and high schools can teach the higher level conceptual stuff. They need the basics first and we are so worried about teaching higher level conepts in 2nd grade that they go to middle school without knowing math facts or parts of speech. We need to go back to the old school of contructivism.
My Solution to MANY of the issues and problems we have today
In addition to the issues I grazed over above, there are many other problems. I have a solution to most if not all of them. Birth control in the water. We can then control the population better. We are not taking the right to have children away at all. Adults with an income and steady job history, insurance, passing parenthood exam score and classes passed and no more than 3-5 children already in the household can apply for a parenting liscense each time they want a child. Then they can obtain the shot required to neutralize the birth control and have their child.
Listen, I know. This is far fetched and scary. I get that. I am bordering on fascism if not already there. But think about it. Think of how things would be.
Celtics or Lakers
Neither. Can't stand either of them. KG ticks me off. Kobe is a premadonna and lying cheat to his wife. Boston fan is the most annoying sports fan EVAAAAAAAAAA!! Forget them both!
So what would you call me? Liberal? Conservative? I never can tell.
First of all, let me begin by stating that overall, I am rather moderate in my views I would think. I fall on the left on a number of issues but on the right on others. Many times my views have changed as I have grown up, entered different stages of life or experienced things to see them differently.
2008 Election:
I voted for Barack Obama in the Ohio primary. I am not a 100% backer of Obama though. I like Hillary Clinton as well. In fact, I even fell into that category of people that may lean democrat but liked McCain. I still prefer McCain over any of the other Republican candidates. But I as I have read more about McCain, I have become less comfortable with him.
So as of now, I would love to see a Obama/Clinton ticket. Here's why: I am a proponent of change and I think they will bring it. Things are really bad right now and have been for awhile. I can't tell you why or whose fault it is, but it's somebody's. So fresh blood needs to be infused.
I like the fact that they are really pumping changes in Healthcare. I am not knowledgeable enough regarding their ideas or how well they will go over in Congress and much of that, but something needs to be done and I feel there is a better chance something will be done to help the middle and lower class if they are elected. That is pretty much the running theme for me in most other issues: Which candidates will help the middle class most? I highly doubt Republican John McCain will.
Gay Marriage
I strongly have a problem with people's basic civil liberties being taken from them. I was under the impression that this country was founded on freedom. We obviously had issues with this for over a century and still do in terms of race. But it seems like we have been at least trying to move in the right direction over the past 50 years. It seemed like progress has been made with the feminist movement, civil rights and so on. So why take such a step backwards?
Also, I was under the impression that this country was founded on the freedom of religion and separation of church and state. I will respect a religion's view that homosexuality is wrong. While I disagree and will choose not to practice that religion, I will continue to respect that belief system unless it gets to the point of promoting the harming of gays as a result. These religions should therefore have the right to not recognize the union of same sex couples. But the government should not be making this decisions based on these religion's particular beliefs either. I understand many people like to use religion to drive morality but it gets very scary the more you do this. Religion has been used to oppress many people many times throughout history currently with the lack of gay rights and even in the before the civil war to justify slavery.
In a democracy it should be up to the people. And as it has been, the people of this hillbilly state have voted same sex unions down. So I can't say much except that my vote and opinion is for the freedom of same sex couples to be united and sharing in the benefits of traditional couples. Love is love. Both parties are able to aknowledge it and honor it, so I support it.
Welfare
I feel as though there are people in our country that need assistance and the government should be responsible in part to provide them with it. As fellow citizens, we should chip in.
Even if we have a problem with giving our hard earned money to other people we have no "connection" with, it benefits us in the end as the overall quality of life will be better. I don't feel good when I see or hear about people living on the streets or unable to get medicine especially children. I don't like driving around run down areas. I don't like being a victim of crime because someone is desperate for money.
While I realize this can never be completely fixed and people get themselves in these predictaments much of the time and should get themselves out, there are legitimate situations where honest people need help. I, too, have a problem with people living off the system. I understand welfare, obviously, won't fix it. And I worry the system promotes laziness and feelings of self-entitlement, but we can eradicate this without ridding our fellow citizens of welfare all together. We just need to rethink it and do it right.
Death Penalty
Simply put: I am for it. I know it isn't a reliable deterent. I know it costs alot. I am also afraid of killing someone who didn't commit the crime. But when it comes to serial killers, rapists, mass murders and major criminals, they need to be removed from our society completely. They did it, so they should suffer the same consequences.
Abortion
Toughest one for me. In my heart I am pro life. And in my life I choose to do everything I can to handle my situations in a prolife manner. But I see the other side clearly. The woman's body is the woman's body. There are situations when abortion unfortunately needs to happen. I think if we asked God what the correct stance on this one is, it would say something both sides would not want to hear. (Kathryn M. Huey circa 2005)
In my mind, the focus of both sides should be more on finding a way to prevent the reasons for abortion as much as we can in the first place. For example, wising up and providing birth control in schools. It won't promote more sex. New flash: Kids are already doing it. They have been for decades now. No sex until you are responsible enough to handle it is ideal and should be emphasized but let's be real, kids will aren't going to listen so prepare a back up plan.
If all the time in energy we spend fighting about what is right was spent on how we can avoid unwanted, unprepared pregnancies in the first place I think we could get so much closer to not needing abortions (except EXTREME conditions).
Education
NCLB stinks. Holding teachers accountable is a good idea but this not the way to do it. Penalizing instead of rewarding isn't a successful tactic in this case. Education 101 could teach you that. Funding for schools in Ohio, at the very least, has been ruled uncontitutional several times and nothing is being done about it. More and more pressure is put on the teachers with less and less support. The students need people. Teachers need people. We are spinning our wheels in the mud changing the ways we teach every couple years and keep missing the point. The problems are coming in with the kids from the streets or homes. Teachers then have to deal with them directly or indirectly before they even start to teach. How do we solve this? PEOPLE! Resources IN THE SHOOLS. Social workers, nurses all day everyday, assistant principals, classroom aides beyond kindergarden and security.
Then as we teach, please let us teach fundamentals in the lower grades. Middle schools and high schools can teach the higher level conceptual stuff. They need the basics first and we are so worried about teaching higher level conepts in 2nd grade that they go to middle school without knowing math facts or parts of speech. We need to go back to the old school of contructivism.
My Solution to MANY of the issues and problems we have today
In addition to the issues I grazed over above, there are many other problems. I have a solution to most if not all of them. Birth control in the water. We can then control the population better. We are not taking the right to have children away at all. Adults with an income and steady job history, insurance, passing parenthood exam score and classes passed and no more than 3-5 children already in the household can apply for a parenting liscense each time they want a child. Then they can obtain the shot required to neutralize the birth control and have their child.
Listen, I know. This is far fetched and scary. I get that. I am bordering on fascism if not already there. But think about it. Think of how things would be.
Celtics or Lakers
Neither. Can't stand either of them. KG ticks me off. Kobe is a premadonna and lying cheat to his wife. Boston fan is the most annoying sports fan EVAAAAAAAAAA!! Forget them both!
So what would you call me? Liberal? Conservative? I never can tell.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Good Guys vs. Bad Guys
I have noticed something in my first 33 years of life. Being bad is cool. Being good is weak.
Even when someone is the "good guy" there are things about him/her that is bad to try to salvage some respect or credibility. I go back to Star Wars and recall how Han Solo was the cool character while Luke Skywalker was this boyish, naive weaker character who had to grow into his strength. And it took a bad experience or action to get him there. Even then, Solo was still the cool guy everyone wanted to be. Solo was the scoundrel. Luke was pure.
It is much "cooler" or well respected if you are a tough guy that is not good. If somebody represents righteousness they are looked at as weak or naive and unworldly.
Take dating as well. Girls always say they want a good guy and they complain about their bad boyfriends, but at the drop of a dime they will go out with the guy with a dark past or bad background. As I continue with these stereotypes knowing full well there are exceptions to the rule, I may run into issues on the male side. Many times you see the males go for the "good girls." But even in this instance I believe it is because the guys want to stroke their need to be "bad" by being with the "good girl" and therefore coming off as the "bad guy" since they may not be as "good." they may feel some sort of egotistical triumph "conquering" the good girl.
Throughout life you feel this urge to "be bad" or naughty. It can range from harmless to serious. Teenage rebellion is the epitome of this. As a teenager you MUST be bad or rebel against your parents or society or the mainstream-(fill in the blank) to have any sort of credibility. It gets to the point where people are not rebelling because they believe in any sort of thing or because they don't believe in whatever it is they are rebelling against. Instead they are rebelling for the sake of rebelling. In the end they are actually conforming more than rebelling and contradicting themselves entirely.
Before this post get off on a tangent I want to blog about later, let me circle back to the theme here. Being good is boring. Bad is exciting. So as we search for excitement and meaning in life we gravitate to the "bad" guys or the "bad" things.
I grew up identifying with Luke Skywalker and that was my first mistake. I have gone through life trying to be socially acceptable and good at the same time. Therefore, I think I have lost the respect of many people and I am not taken seriously by most people because of this flaw. Think about it. Those of you who know me, do you really think I am a guy you want in your corner in a tough situation? Be careful. Don't take this as a poor me statement and think I want replies listing how you would want me in your corner. Seriously picture yourself in a confrontation and who you'd want there......see? Not me. And I wouldn't either. I'm the guy you call when things are easy. You picture me there when we are at a bar watching the Cavs lose to the Celtics. I'm the guy you think of when you want to talk to somebody about sports. You get my point. When push comes to shove, you want the Han Solo guy. The tough guy. The bad guy.
Of course, as often is the truth, age is the great equalizer. The older we get, the more we realize it is better to be good. We shouldn't smoke anymore. Drugs get you in more trouble than their worth. Drinking to 3 am hurts. Getting in bar fights proves your stupidity more than toughness. Solving your problems in general by fighting is a sign of no intelligence to resolve them better. Bad language is often inappropriate. Kids actually are enjoyable to be around. Helping people feels good. It is important to tell your mom and dad you love them. Lying makes things worse than if you tell the hard truth and deal with the effects. Gossip is for teenyboppers. I could go on.
I don't expect my statements above to be interpreted as holding true with every specific individual. These are generalizations.
Even when someone is the "good guy" there are things about him/her that is bad to try to salvage some respect or credibility. I go back to Star Wars and recall how Han Solo was the cool character while Luke Skywalker was this boyish, naive weaker character who had to grow into his strength. And it took a bad experience or action to get him there. Even then, Solo was still the cool guy everyone wanted to be. Solo was the scoundrel. Luke was pure.
It is much "cooler" or well respected if you are a tough guy that is not good. If somebody represents righteousness they are looked at as weak or naive and unworldly.
Take dating as well. Girls always say they want a good guy and they complain about their bad boyfriends, but at the drop of a dime they will go out with the guy with a dark past or bad background. As I continue with these stereotypes knowing full well there are exceptions to the rule, I may run into issues on the male side. Many times you see the males go for the "good girls." But even in this instance I believe it is because the guys want to stroke their need to be "bad" by being with the "good girl" and therefore coming off as the "bad guy" since they may not be as "good." they may feel some sort of egotistical triumph "conquering" the good girl.
Throughout life you feel this urge to "be bad" or naughty. It can range from harmless to serious. Teenage rebellion is the epitome of this. As a teenager you MUST be bad or rebel against your parents or society or the mainstream-(fill in the blank) to have any sort of credibility. It gets to the point where people are not rebelling because they believe in any sort of thing or because they don't believe in whatever it is they are rebelling against. Instead they are rebelling for the sake of rebelling. In the end they are actually conforming more than rebelling and contradicting themselves entirely.
Before this post get off on a tangent I want to blog about later, let me circle back to the theme here. Being good is boring. Bad is exciting. So as we search for excitement and meaning in life we gravitate to the "bad" guys or the "bad" things.
I grew up identifying with Luke Skywalker and that was my first mistake. I have gone through life trying to be socially acceptable and good at the same time. Therefore, I think I have lost the respect of many people and I am not taken seriously by most people because of this flaw. Think about it. Those of you who know me, do you really think I am a guy you want in your corner in a tough situation? Be careful. Don't take this as a poor me statement and think I want replies listing how you would want me in your corner. Seriously picture yourself in a confrontation and who you'd want there......see? Not me. And I wouldn't either. I'm the guy you call when things are easy. You picture me there when we are at a bar watching the Cavs lose to the Celtics. I'm the guy you think of when you want to talk to somebody about sports. You get my point. When push comes to shove, you want the Han Solo guy. The tough guy. The bad guy.
Of course, as often is the truth, age is the great equalizer. The older we get, the more we realize it is better to be good. We shouldn't smoke anymore. Drugs get you in more trouble than their worth. Drinking to 3 am hurts. Getting in bar fights proves your stupidity more than toughness. Solving your problems in general by fighting is a sign of no intelligence to resolve them better. Bad language is often inappropriate. Kids actually are enjoyable to be around. Helping people feels good. It is important to tell your mom and dad you love them. Lying makes things worse than if you tell the hard truth and deal with the effects. Gossip is for teenyboppers. I could go on.
I don't expect my statements above to be interpreted as holding true with every specific individual. These are generalizations.
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