Political Thinking

"It is generally known that people tend to believe what they want to believe- even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary." ("What You Don't Know" LaBossiere, p. 18)

You don't agree?

Take an objective listen to just about any political conversation around you. It is dreadfully redundant. The liberals take their point of view disregarding anything to the right and the conservatives take their point of view disregarding anything to the left.

The current health care reform discussion, for lack of a better, more condescending term, is a specific example. The pro reformers will ignore the significance of the economic factors, while the anti-reformers will overlook the need to ethically change the current system.

"People even go so far as to downplay and ignore evidence against what they believe while modifying and even fabricating evidence to support their own view." (LaBossiere, p.18-19)

Take a listen to AM conservative talk radio and you'll see this point in less than ten minutes. The "birther" issue comes to mind.

I will not sit here and act like I am any different. I have been a culprit of this practice countless times. I won't act like I am above this or better than this. But there is a reason why I and even you are this way.

Researchers at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia made a discovery regarding the physiology behind this process which they revealed in 2006.

During the 2004 Presidential election between Democrat, John Kerry and Republican and incumbent, George W. Bush, they gathered 15 die hard Republicans and 15 die hard Democrats. They used a functional magnetic resonance imaging device to scan the brains of their voters while they were asked to assess statements made by both candidates. The statements provided were ones in which both candidates contradicted themselves. Each group was forgiving of their candidate of choice while being critical of their own. ("What Don't You Know?" LaBossiere, p. 19)

No surprise there, right?

They were using the same reasoning we expected from them, didn't they?

Well, the interesting part lies in the results of the brain scan. The results showed that the part of the brain associated with reasoning was inactive as they made their claims about the contradictions.

Instead, the part of the brain that was most active during their assessments of the candidates contradictions was the parts associated with emotional processing, conflict resolution and moral judgements.

In addition, "when a subject rendered the judgement they found emotionally comfortable (their candidate did not contradict themselves), the part of the brain associated with pleasure became active. ("What Don't You Know?" LaBossiere, p. 19)

In other words, nobody in the test examined the claims rationally. They instead "went through a mental process that rewarded them for believing the conclusion they wanted to believe." ("What Don't You Know?" LaBossiere, p. 19)

This practice breaks one of the basic elements of critical thinking. In order to think critically, you need to be objective, not subjective. Your emotions cannot play a role in your thinking. Claims need to be assessed on their own merit and not on the basis of one's feelings towards them or the source they come from.

Micheal LaBoissere goes on in his book, "What Don't You Know?" with more examples of this mental breakdown. Objectivity is critical in philosophy but it is also crucial in other aspects of life too. Objectivity is a requirement in fairness.

And right about now, many of you who don't like what this study shows are looking for holes to poke through it, reasons to deny it and refuse to accept while others who like these findings are ready to shout it from the rooftops.

Also, you are all probably thinking, "I knew it! Those damned (fill in the opposite side of the political spectrum from you) are a bunch of hypocrites." And you are right.

But stop for a second and realize they are saying that about you....and they are right too!



(Quotes taken from: "What Don't You Know" by Micheal LaBoissere. Continuum International Publishing Group, 2008)

Letter To Those Against Healthcare Reform

This was written to a healthcare opponent in an effort to explain the argument for reform. I found it to be moving and well written. Since I know both parties involved, I thought I should share it with those who read my blog.

These are not necessarily the views held by me, but......well, screw it! This is pretty much in line with my thinking. I do have several questions regarding details of the proposed plans but I refuse to let these healthcare companies and the Republican politicians who they have in their pockets scare me away with their propaganda.

Here is the piece:

How do we protect and respect the right to life if we let the sickest and most vulnerable (the poor) among us die or receive lesser care or put them (and middle class people as well) into more debt or into the emergency room in the middle of the night for non-emergency care?

Those of us who were privileged enough to grow up with food, shelter, safety and health care (long before we could "earn" it ourselves) should hesitate before we make sweeping statements about the constitutional rights - let alone the human rights - of others. Such rights should never be denied to those in need by those in a place of comfort. (Those of us who claim to follow Jesus should be ESPECIALLY hesitant to do so.)

Human rights aren't spelled out in the constitution, but our understanding of them has grown since a bunch of white propertied men decided that a slave wasn't a person (okay, maybe 3/5 of a person) and women did not have a right to vote.

The people who want to reform health care truly want to make sure it's accessible to all (who are you going to turn down?). Many have family members who can't get the tests they need because they have a serious pre-existing condition that makes them uninsurable. Think of that.

I guess I have a right to those tests and they don't? I don't think so.

Do old people have a right to be supported? it's not in the constitution, but we have Social Security, thank goodness - a government-run program about which ignorant Americans are saying, "Keep the government's hands off my Social Security!" (read Medicare, etc.)

If the government is so bad at doing things, let's get it out of the business of declaring war and supporting an obscene bloated arms industry. Where's the human rights in that? (and what would Jesus say?)

I bring up Jesus even though I believe in the separation of church and state, because so many people who are yelling against health care reform (which is indeed degenerating into health insurance reform) - and they are indeed yelling, in an ugly and cold-hearted way - claim to be Christians. My, my.

I know you're in a field where you want to help people have better mental health. I hope you are moved to such depths of compassion that you will seek the good of all of God's children, not just the ones who can afford the services available in our supposedly advanced country, but ALL of God's children.

And I hope you will want to share out of the great abundance in which you have always lived so that others will have what they need.

I hope the resources will be allocated so that those who need your services will be able to get them, and that you won't have to work for nothing. That wouldn't be fair.

I was very conservative at your age and have moved to the left as I've witnessed the kind of suffering I was shielded against as I grew up.

What's that thing that someone said - when you're young, if you're liberal, you need to grow your mind, but if you're conservative, you need to grow your heart. I wish conservatives - both young and old -had as much sympathy and compassion for sick children, adults, elderly, etc., as they do for zygotes.

By the way, as much as I am in awe of conception and birth, I'm appalled at the way right-wingers go immediately to the abortion question (demonizing everyone who doesn't agree with them, just as the opposite side demonizes them) in every conversation.

Finally, I wish all conservatives would have spent the first year of Obama's valiant effort to salvage our economy, our morals, our stature in the world, and our integrity (not to mention our safety) by cooperating with these efforts.

Conservatives LOVE to talk about patriotism, for example, in a sentimental or militaristic way. How about getting down to basics, and considering taxes an exercise in responsible citizenship? Greed has grasped the Republicans, and they (my former party) stir up irrational opposition to things like health care reform - because they're in the pockets of the insurance industry, which is spending a million dollars a day to disrupt our national discourse.

Should we trust the party that took us into an immoral, unnecessary, poorly executed (to the point of criminality), and expensive war? I don't think so. I wish we could have a bipartisan, cooperative effort here. But I don't think the party of Gingrich/Palin (shame on them) will let that happen.

Just a few thoughts from one who is sick and tired of this debate.

For the record, I am not keen on diminishing our arms. I would like to have them just in case (hands and fingers too for that matter). Even though we are the only country to actually drop a nuclear bomb...

Fake QB Controversey

When can we just name Brady Quinn the starting QB and be done with this foolishness?

I have no idea what Quinn has done wrong in his life to deserve this unwarranted disrespect. He got his butt beat down at Notre Dame and still managed to lead them to decent performances. Although I would question the validity of their appearances in BCS Bowl games, he managed to get them there unlike the QBs after him. He was stuck behind a mediocre at best offensive line and sorry defense.

But you never heard him complain.

He showed up at New York for the Heisman Trophy ceremony as the "over hyped, undeserving" candidate that everyone who wasn't Catholic (unless they were a Buckeye fan too) rooted against and not only lost to Troy Smith but came in third.

But he didn't complain.

He showed up to the NFL Draft with much pomp and circumstance only to be the 2007version of Aaron Rodgers. He even left the view of cameras to avoid the embarrassment of dropping so far in the draft.

When he was finally picked, he never complained.

Then, as the 2007 season unfolded Derek Anderson took the stage as the Cleveland Browns starting quarterback and dazzled fans leading them to a 10-5 record under his helm despite numerous weaknesses that were covered by amazing catches by Braylon Edwards and defenses still trying to adjust to his scouting report.

But from the bench, Brady Quinn still didn't complain.

Anderson showed some glaring issues through the second half of 2007 and all of 2008 until he was injured. He could throw the deep ball and had plenty of strength for the out patterns but his touch was nonexistent underneath.

With minimal opportunities to contribute and demonstrate his skill, Quinn couldn't establish himself.

But, still, he never complained.

He has said all the right things. He has worked his butt off. When he has had chances, he has shown he can perform. In his first start against Denver in 2008, he went 23-35 for 239 yards and 2 TDs. He threw 0 interceptions. He then led the Browns to a victory over Buffalo the next week before getting hurt in Week 12 against Houston.

A new coaching regime has entered Cleveland, and still, Brady Quinn finds himself in a position in which he has to prove himself. It is like Groundhog Day for this guy.

So we watch him throw accurate pass after accurate pass. He demonstrates composure in the pocket. He leads the team in numerous drives. He takes control of the offense. He watches Derek Anderson throw bad pass after bad pass in scrimmages and preseason games. There is no improvement or learning curve in Derek Anderson's game whatsoever.

Yet, he still can't hear his coach just say, "You are the QB. Go get 'em."

But he doesn't complain.

So what is it going to take, Coach Mangini? How long are you going to play this Bill Belichick game of hide and seek with him and us fans? We've seen it before with Romeo Crennel and let me say, it didn't work. You aren't fooling anyone but yourself and your team.

I'm getting tired of this run around. I am tired of watching Anderson stink and still hear there is some sort of "battle" for the the number one spot. Just name the starting QB and move on.

It is Brady Quinn. Quit dragging this guy around like this. Even if he crashes and burns, he won't be any worse than DA.

If we are going to lose, at least lose with the guy we drafted for this position so I, and many other fans in his camp can shut up and turn the page, ready to start all over......again.

Quick Thinking

I have mentioned this before but I thought I would quickly repeat it before I go to bed tonight.

When I think of smart people I know, I realize there is something they have in common. This thing is the admission of their ignorance. They realize how little they know despite the obvious fact that they are really intelligent.

So one could hypothesize that intelligence is the realization of one's ignorance. Or that being smart demonstrates to one's self how "unsmart" they are.

When you realize how little you really know, you finally begin to become truthfully smart or intelligent. People who think they know everything or close to everything, really are the dumb, ignorant ones.

These are thoughts in my head and I am curious what others think about it.

This Is Why I'm Awesome

I began last school year with a challenging group of students. The testing I administered in the beginning of the year showed that 0 students were reading at or above proficiency. Zero as in none. Nobody.

Our grade level ended the previous school year with 46% of the students reading at or above proficiency. That number is abysmal but it looks awfully large when compared to 0.

The government, through No Child Left Behind, has set particular standards for schools and their districts to meet in order to be deemed successful. As I have written a number of times in this blog, my school is one of the low performing schools. We need to make significant increases every year or risk a number of changes.

It is a long, complicated set of standards and criteria that I am not looking to detail right now. But it is important to understand the general idea that I have certain numbers I need to reach each year to contribute to this gain as a grade level, school and district.

0 students reading proficiently is a low, discouraging starting point. I walked out of numerous grade level meetings dragging my heart and soul behind me on the ground. Each meeting I stared at a score sheet drowning in red ink. My roster had circled names, question marks and arrows pointing in the wrong direction littered through the list. My colleagues were there looking at it too.

"Mr. Huey, what are you going to do to fix this?" I would hear on the verge of panic. Then I had to look to my colleagues for help. It was humiliating to sit there and depend on the services and assistance of others to do my job.

"What is my plan?"

"What research based strategies do I plan to implement in order to improve my scores?"

"What's my relevance and rigor?"

"Problem of practice."

"Differentiated learning"

"Small group...blah blah blah BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Meanwhile, the kids looked as though they could have cared less. I was busy putting out fire after fire hoping some of them were paying enough attention to get something out of the lessons.

Today I met with the staff to prepare for the upcoming school year. We received raw test results from the Ohio Achievement Test. My colleague put his spreadsheet fetish to work and graphed the scores of each of our classes from the past school year.

My grade level improved our percentage of students who passed the Reading OAT from 46% in 2008 to 59% in 2009. When you look at the same classes scores from 3rd grade, we improved that group's percentage of passers from 42% in 2008 to 59% in 2009.

What about my class with the ZERO proficient readers?

More than 55% of my class ended the year reading proficiently or above. I caught up with the other classes. My class had the most students improve more than a whole grade level in our reading program. This means one could say they grew academically more than a years worth in a school year.

How did I do this you might ask? I put on my hard hat, grabbed my lunch pail and went to work.

Believe it or not, it was not with any more assistance than we normally give each other. After we left the meetings, the three of us would meet together and discuss what we were planning and how things were working and agreed to keep doing what we were doing.

The three of us have worked together in the same grade level for 8 years now. We all know how we tick. We know our strengths and weaknesses, comfort zones and anxious areas. We have consistently shown increases in test scores. When I arrived less than 20% of our students were passing the reading standardized tests at that time. We are the only grade level that can say that.

So when it came down to it, it was me in that classroom with those students making it happen.

I tore up the plan so to speak and I pulled out what mattered most and did it my way. I picked out all the components that actually involved the students reading texts. The more varied the texts, the better. We didn't just do fiction everyday.

Their fluency was horrible. So we worked on fluency directly.

Their comprehension was awful. So I pounded them over the head with extended response questions which required them to write out answers. Everyday they had to answer these questions until they were blue in the face. They had to think the right way and then write the right way.

So I also modeled everything everyday. I modeled how to think when they read. I showed them how to do it over and over again. I read out loud to them so they had an example to follow and we discussed the book the way I think about books when I read. Then I showed them how I applied this thinking to the questions. Then they did it the same way.

I did much more, but these were the big things.

Bottom line...I kicked some ass last year. I'm much better at this than most people or tests scores may think.

Death Of The Game

So with the school year fast approaching and little action on my sports blog, I have officially ended it tonight. I will continue to write about sports topics since that is an area of interest for me on this blog. I will continue to export these posts to bleacherreport.com since I have a much larger audience through that site.

In the end, it is much easier for me to just simplify things and stay focused. If I have a sports related topic on my mind, I can still share it with everybody here and with interested sports fan over there.

Thank you.

R.I.P. Game Within The Game 2009-2009

Thoughts On A News Special About OCD

Tonight I watched a special on children with obsessive compulsive disorder. These poor children were battling paralyzing anxiety that lead to the disorder. One girl could not live at home and refused to allow her parents to touch her. Another teenage female couldn't attend school out of fear of her fellow students and how "dirty" they were.

A third young boy reminded me of my own daughter. He repeatedly asked his mother questions about how the day would be much like my daughter. She is obsesses with what we will eat each meal or where we are to go or what we are to do that day. This young man was desperately seeking comfort and security that he would be ok. It resembled my daughter's constant need to know what is going to happen or what we are going to eat. She seems to be seeking some sort of security or comfort. But even if you answer their questions, both my daughter and this boy would ask again.....and again and again. It doesn't seem to matter if it is an answer they like or not. They will need to hear it again later.

Many times we will return the question to my daughter testing if it is a memory issue, but she correctly recalls the answer. She inevitably asks again within 10 minutes. It can be very frustrating and wearing on our patience. I was able to relate the the parents of the boy featured on this show. They were brought to tears during the interview. Fortunately, I haven't been brought to that point with this particular issue, but I know it is not easy.

This brings me to two other thoughts as I reflect on this show. First, my own anxiety is only getting worse. My nightly ritual of checking the perimeter of the house is getting more elaborate. Not only do I need to check the locks, but I check every window and both my daughter's chests to make sure they are breathing. Many times I even poke my wife to make sure her heart is still beating. Parenthood has greatly increased my anxiety and worry.

Secondly, I think about my students and how I should handle things when they behave in these erratic ways. After watching this special I know I need to show much more compassion. I try to be strict and maintain high expectations and usually chalk up weird behavior as attention getting behavior more than a serious disorder. But what if the eccentric behavior is a sign of budding OCD?

I have been lucky to be surrounded by knowledgeable support staff throughout most of my career to ask these questions when I have run into it in the past, but if levies keep failing, I won't for long.

Listening To My Brain Melt In My Head

I had some time on my hands this afternoon and decided to stray from the routine of ESPN's daytime programming. My surfing took me to Maury and his daily paternity testing talk show. The wife and I wondered aloud what Connie Chung must be thinking when he arrives home each night after another day of this as his job. We also questioned where she has been since her days on the national news.

But I wasn't done there. After dropping my oldest off with her maternal grandmother, I returned home to feed the youngest and watch some more captivating programming. This time I was caught in the midst of three straight court shows. I don't recall their names but you know what I am talking about. The newest versions of People's Court ( a personal favorite of my business law teacher in high school, Mr. Ron Rose) and Judge Judy.

The running theme of the day seemed to be men finding out if they were Fathers or not.

Sigh.

Each time the man owned up to his fatherhood and said he would "be there" for the child.

Oh yay!

I gathered that I was supposed to feel a sense of closure with the happy ending that the man would fulfill his duty as the dad and provide for the child. What a great guy. That is very commendable. Good for him. He is a true man.

Putting aside the fact that there are plenty of absentee fathers out there and this IS better than that alternative (assuming these men follow through on what they said in front of the cameras....they will soon find out saying you will be there is not the same as actually being there), I do not walk away from the at show feeling warm and fuzzy inside.

I'm pissed!

What have things come to that just "being there" is something worthy of accolades, cheers and the title of "Good Father?" Have we set the bar for fathers that low?

Fathers owe their children much more than just diapers and clothes and shelter. Just being there is a requisite. It is a must. We should expect it as a baseline. This doesn't make you a good father, it makes you a father period.

Let's relate it to sports. Showing up for the game doesn't make you a good player. It makes you a player. That's it. You may be better than others in the general population because you are there and on the team, but you are not necessarily a good player.

Trust me. I know. I show up to my softball games and I am not a good softball player. I can speak from experience.

To be a good player, you need to go above and beyond being there and take your game to the next level. You need to make minimal mistakes or fix the mistakes that are made. You make plays others cannot and do things others are not capable of doing.

So good fathers are ones that take fatherhood to the next level. We do things other men can't do. We make minimal mistakes and manage the mistakes we do make.

We use this analogy at my school (and I am sure others): our students need to be citizens not tourists. They need to be invested and committed to the classroom.

Likewise, fathers need to be citizens of our children's lives, not visiting tourists. We need to not just "be there" but be "part of there." Beyond buying stuff and showing up for big events, we need to be there for little things and provide a daily role model in the routine stuff as well as the big stuff or the financial stuff.

I don't measure my job as a dad based on the money I provide, the amount of time I spend with them or the amount of material goods I provide for my daughters. I measure it by that and the way I spend the time and the support I lend their mothers and the way I model my values for them. The love, compassion, emotion, discipline and routine we instill are critical elements of fatherhood that separate good fathers from fathers.

I'm not trying to blast all dads out there. I fully realize there are particular scenarios that make many of these elements difficult or impossible for fathers who sincerely mean to fulfill them. That doesn't make them bad fathers.

My point here is that we should set our bar for "Good Father" a bit higher than just showing up. We don't go out of our way to call mothers who just show up "Good Mothers." We take them for granted. We expect them to be there.

We should expect that as basic from our dads too.

Poser Christians and Radical Christians

I apologize ahead of time if I offend anyone with this post.

I cannot sit here and act like I am some sort of knowledgeable expert with Christianity. But I have been raised Christian and still consider myself Christian by default as I openly explore my personal spirituality. With 9 years of Catholic school and over 18 years of regularly attending church (often more than once a week), I feel like I have a legitimate amount experience to justify my opinion.

Many times I have openly questioned the Bible and Christianity. In my mind, I have felt like this has been part of my self-examination and personal exploration more than an attack on Christianity itself.

Where most of my frustration stems from is not so much the belief system, but many of the people that take part. There are two groups that annoy me the most. I call them Posers and Radical Bible Thumpers.

The Posers are like those fans that claim to be "die hard" or "true" when the team is winning and everybody loves them but are no where to be found when this team they claim to be fans of is losing or unpopular. They love to deck themselves out in the team's gear when everybody else is and they sport the jerseys of the most popular player like Grady Sizemore or LeBron James, but when the team stinks, all you hear is little dig after dig about how the team stinks, even if the team is just mediocre.

Some call them fair weather fans or bandwagon fans. I just call them annoying.

When this behavior is connected to the Church, I get just as annoyed. The Poser Christians love to loudly exclaim what they want to believe and throw the Bible out as their justification. They wear their Christianity on their sleeve and quickly slam people who critique it. Anyone who isn't Christian is wrong in their mind. They feel like everyone who questions the Church is hating the church.

But as they look down upon the rest of us, they never read the Bible themselves. They do not attend church. They definitely do not examine their beliefs and reflect on why they believe what they believe, which sometimes means challenging the traditional beliefs. They blindly follow what others tell them. Many times they refer to the Old Testament to support their outdated views while ignoring New Testament writings from Jesus (an important component of Christianity) that contradict the Old Testament.

The Radical Bible Thumpers do attend church regularly. They do read scriptures. They are devoted to their Christianity. So devoted that they go to the extreme. They may examine their beliefs but not in a critical manner. They take what they read and hear literally and are often, in my mind, misled. They are very rigid in their beliefs and refuse to see any other point of view or perspective, especially ones that counter what they want to believe. Like the posers they throw the Bible out as their shield.

Like radical Muslims, they are harmful. Their harm is more like the mental, emotional harm of a cult than the physical, violent harm of the stereotypical terrorism we are used to seeing and hearing about on television regarding the radical Muslims.

If you haven't read between the lines, I put a good bit of value on self-examination and reflection. I believe most Christians incorporate this practice in their worship. Prayer involves reflection and self-examination. It is an important component of Christianity. But many times prayer and reflection seem to be separated. These two groups lose sight of the importance of this intimate practice that truly connects you with God.

I do not believe practicing your religion is about following some rigid dogma as much as your relationship with your higher power. Questioning what your are told is part of this relationship. I believe it is an important and critical part of practicing your religion. By questioning and critiquing what is passed to you, you become part of this belief and you develop your own point of view. One that brings you closer to your higher power.

Whatever God you choose to believe in is much greater than anything we can fathom in our human experience. I highly doubt God concerns itself with whether you are following the rules set forth by the Pope or other religious leaders. It is more meaningful and practical for us to transcend this and use the different religions out there to seek the greater good.

Peter Rollins touches on this point of a God greater than our understanding in his book about the emerging Christianity entitled, "How (Not) To Speak of God:"

"If we fail to recognize that the term 'God' always falls short of that towards which the word is suppoed to point, we will end up bowing down before our own conceptual creations forged from the raw materials of our self-image, rather than bowing before the one who stands over and above that creation...'God rid me of God,' a prayer that acknowledges how the God we are in relationship with is bigger, better and different than our understanding of that God." (Rollins, "How (Not) to Speak of God" pg.19)

Fortunately, most Christians I know do this. It's the other two groups that Ia m skeptical about.

Honest Or Just Plain Rude?

I recently heard someone use this statement in response to someone objecting to something they said: "Well, if you don't like the answer then you shouldn't have asked the question!"

I have heard this statement several times in the past. It usually comes from loud mouths. More often than not, I hear people with little or no tact blurt out statements like this with a lack of concern of what other people think of them or their words.

First of all, if this guy knew what the answer was going to be, I don't think he would have asked it. The reason he asked was because he didn't know what the answer was in the first place. So how could he have stopped himself from asking it if he didn't know it would be something he didn't like?

It is a stupid statement. The lady came off as a rude, obnoxious blowhard in my opinion.

There is more to it than this though. I think the motivation behind statements like these is not always rudeness or disrespect. While I have not used this particular statement, I have used statements like it. I haven't intended on being rude most of the time, usually I have just tried to be frank and honest. So I imagine others who have said brash things like this had similar intentions. But sometimes efforts to be honest go too far.

Plus, I do not know what the whole context of that conversation was when that statement was said. For all I know the lady secretly felt bad that she received a disapproving reaction from the guy and tried to cover it with the shield of that statement. To her, it was his fault to react that way instead of her fault to answer his question that way.

But people like me put too much weight in what others think of us and what we say. Many times this is a bad thing because we lose sight of our needs and we don't protect our boundaries. We sacrifice too much for others when we don't need to.

But on the other side, there are people who have zero tact and lack consideration for others. It seems like more and more people fall in this category as the importance that was once put on manners and politeness is slowly disappearing. People take pride in their brash, no holds barred statements and attitude. It seems to be much more favorable to speak and act like this. But there is legitimate reason to be this way.

On one hand, we all should be polite and considerate towards others. But at the same time, we need to avoid going too far and compromising our own desires or intentions to be nice to someone else.

So where is that line between being honest with other people risking hurt feelings or feelings of disrespect and being rude and obnoxious showing little concern for another person's feelings?

I believe there is a way to assert you own interests and stand by what you want (within reason of course) without sounding rude or obnoxious. In fact there is a word for it. I used it earlier.

It is called tact.

Dictionary.com defines it as: "a keen sense of what is appropriate, tasteful, or aesthetically pleasing; taste; discrimination."

I recommend more people use it. Just because you say things in a particular way, with class, it doesn't mean you are being too nonconfrontational, passive or weak. It means you are standing your ground while showing class.

Tigger v. Eeyore

After witnessing another loss for my Cleveland Indians, I rode back to Columbus with a friend of mine and his friend. The conversation was pleasant and rather diverse. At one point my friend referenced Randy Pausch, a professor at Carnegie Mellon who became famous for his "Last Lecture." He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and took the opportunity before he died to write a book and speak to a number of audiences about fulfilling dreams.

My friend referenced him as part of our conversation about attitude and mood. He mentioned that Pausch often used analogies to describe his points. One analogy my friend brought up was whether somebody is a "Tigger" or "Eeyore." The Tiggers of the world are optimists and the Eeyores are pessimists. So what is your outlook on life?

When I arrived home, my wife and I found ourselves watching TLC and Micheal J. Fox's show discussing why optimists are optimists and pessimists are pessimists. He was searching to find out if there was a gene that made him optimistic. A "happy gene" is what he named it.

After reading "The Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield awhile back I have become more and more convinced that coincidences can have meaning if they don't have meaning already.

So since the meaning I am going to take from these two moments about outlook is going to be that I need to refocus my efforts to be more positive and optimistic, I am going to take a page out of the book of my wife and write another gratitude list. She believes it is good to tackle those moments in which you want to throw a pity party or when you feel like you are drowning in self-pity with gratitude lists.

I see so many people out there living lives much more difficult than mine. They demonstrate a strength I would not be able to maintain. I am very lucky and want to acknowledge it.

First, I am grateful my daughter's health has required me to do things I didn't think I would do. I question whether it has made me stronger or has exposed my weaknesses more often than not. But I know it has forced me to be more responsible than I was at any time prior to the discovery of her disorder. I do take pride in the way I have handled it overall despite minor mistakes along the way.

Secondly, I am grateful that I have handled my relationship with my oldest daughter's mother in a mature manner. It could have been easy to allow things to get ugly. But I promised myself (and my daughter even though she never understood) that I would truly keep my daughter's best interests first and ahead of mine. Instead of allowing my emotions to affect my decisions, I am grateful that I have stood by this goal significantly more often than not. I feel my daughter has been fortunate to grow up without her parents bickering or placing her in uncomfortable situations. I am grateful I have done this despite the fact that it has been difficult.

I am grateful I have managed to teach in an urban setting for 11 years. Burnout claims the best of us who teach in areas where the challenges greatly outnumber the perks. The stress is enormous and then people on the outside speak to you as though they know about our profession and belittle it. The same profession that drains every bit of energy and emotion from you is spoken about as though it is a cakewalk and we are weak for feeling the way we do. But I have managed to progress through more than a decade despite these seemingly insurmountable obstacles. My life span has probably decreased 11 years in the process but I can be proud of the mental and emotion strength and heart I must have to continue.

I am grateful I have a second child in this world. I dealt with a good bit of disappointment along the road to her birth. Everyday I wake up and go to bed worried that something will go wrong with her. I am grateful that I sit here writing this knowing the first two months have been very good. She is a beautiful blessing to behold.

I am grateful that I have a loving and supportive family that takes many of my shortcomings in stride. I am grateful that my father never allows my immaturity to ruin our relationship. Sometimes I treat him like a punching bag but he continues to show his own inner fortitude as he comes back for more every time.

I am grateful I have a job with a consistent paycheck and a house to live in. I have a computer with internet so I can play on Facebook, in my fantasy leagues or blog. I can afford to play in several softball leagues and meet with friends to watch games. I am grateful that someday I will be able to sell this house but right now I don't have to sell it. I am grateful that while I still have a good bit of debt in front of me, it is getting paid off.

There.

I took some major stresses in my life and instead of wallowing beneath them with my sorrow and self-pity, I spun them to positives.

The wife would be proud. Maybe I can be a Tigger this time.

Gay Marriage

There are so many things on our President's plate right now that the issue of Gay Marriage seems to be taking a backseat to it all. But this is one issue that can be settled fairly and in a relatively quick manner if people would just take their emotion and personal preference out and objectively settle it.

Here is how it can be done:

First, take a second to remind ourselves that this country was built partially on the idea of separation of church and state. Therefore, any references to homosexuality in the Bible are irrelevant. Government should take their hands out of the church's decision to allow or not allow gay marriage. Do not impose any restrictions on the church nor require the church to make any particular decision other than what they see fit according to their doctrines.

So for instance, if a Christian denomination decides they will not recognize gay marriages, fine. If another decides they will and they are within the rules set forth by their particular denomination, fine. The government should have zero say in that matter. Then the members of those churches can decide for themselves if they choose to continue to participate in that church or not.

Then, the government can stick to the civil union component of gay unions as opposed to marriages. Whether one thinks homosexuality is "sick" and "disgusting" or "loving" and "beautiful" is once again irrelevant. In terms of government decisions, we need to think clearly, objectively and fairly and for what is best for the people of the country as a whole.

By allowing rights for committed, gay couples that are currently reserved for heterosexual, married couples, these couples can take care of one another in the loving manner they deserve as much as the rest of us. They will be able to insure one another, support each other when sick or in the hospital, legally assist one another and more. None of these rights would be taken from those of us that already have them.

After this has been done, the issue and debate will soon go away. We will quickly see how little things have changed. Straight couples will still divorce 50% of the time. Our kids will still want to have sex with the opposite sex as much as before. Teenage prenancies and STDs will still be an issue to deal with. It will still be just as easy to get married even if you are drunk and in Vegas. Marriages will still take place at churches. Parents will still be expected to dish out thousands of dollars on a one day ceremony. The wedding industry will not lose any money.

Before you know it, conservatives and liberals will be screaming at each other about something else just as ridiculously easy to solve objectively.

This isn't abortion people. It isn't a complicated issue where nobody wins. This is two people in a relationship. My failed marriage had everything to do with my relationship with my ex and nothing to do with the multiple gay couples I know. My successful current marriage has nothing to with the numerous straight couples we know and everything to do with the hard work we put into this marriage everyday to make it so.

But it won't happen. Hate mongering sensationalists on the right will throw a fit if anything happens in this direction. They will stand behind the Bible while ignoring the fact that they preach and scream power and greed which are condemned infinitely more times than homosexuality by the very book they stand behind as validation.

Just let the church take care of the hate, and the government can at least try to find an objective, middle ground.

Then I am willing to bet it will all go away in due time.

The One Block Rule: A Tribute To My Brother

Next week I will fly to Chicago to celebrate my brother's graduation from Kellogg, one of the most prestigious business schools in the U.S. It should be a great weekend for him and our family as we all share our pride with him and witness the finality of this accomplishment.

It is a well deserved honor for him. My brother is one of the most driven, hard working, intelligent people I know. You don't graduate from The Ohio State University with honors and then work in Sweden for two years only to follow up with two years in Evanston, earning an MBA with newborn twins to boot without having some drive and intelligence.

Of course, let's make sure credit is given where credit is due here. He married a very special woman who played an important role in all of this as well. She uprooted her life to move across the ocean and travel the world with him as a newlywed. She also carried the majority of the load with those boys while he was hard at work studying and working.

As much as I respect and admire my brother, my sister-in-law deserves and has a great deal of respect, admiration and love from me as well.

I've watched my brother grow up from the day he was brought home from the hospital. We shared a room growing up and I have many memories wanting him out. I managed to convince him to move into the walk-in closet we had so I could have the whole room. Later, we put up a blanket in that same closet to divide it into our own personal, "private" spaces.

Despite these efforts, we spent a good bit of time together growing up. We shared a number of similar interests and friends. Only two years apart in age, we also attended high school and college at the same time.

When I left to attend Ohio State, he joined my Dad to help me move. I knew my roommate from high school and was aware that he wouldn't move in until the day after I did, so my brother even spent my first night in the dorm with me.

If this wasn't enough, when it was his turn to leave for college he chose Ohio State as well, following in my steps......or so I'd like to think. My brother more than made footsteps of his own.

After he and his roommate decided they were done living in the dorms after their freshman year, they moved in with me. All those years of trying to get away from one another and here we were choosing to live together. Granted, this time around we had our own rooms, but my point is still valid.

I have had first hand experience watching my brother bust his rear end studying and working and attaining high marks in school. I have witnessed how he interacted with people and situations. I saw his mistakes and accomplishments. I observed him grow up and mature and become who he is today.

The whole time I watched with awe. I was the older brother, but all too often I was learning from him. That has been hard to take sometimes. It is humbling to be the apprentice when you are traditionally supposed to be the master. But I would like to think that is more of a testament to him than a strike against me.

Long gone are the days of the "One Block Rule." I always reference this story because it is a perfect example of the changing of the guard that took place between us. There once was a day, believe it or not, that I would dominate our one-on-one basketball games in the driveway. This was about the time I hit my growth spurt and he still had a couple of years before he would hit his own.

My advantage in height allowed me to block so many of his shots that it became pointless for us to play. So we agreed to the "one block rule" that limited me to one block per game. This way he could get shots off and our games were much more competitive.

Today there is no need for that rule. He has surpassed me in athletic ability. I couldn't block his shot if my life depended on it. But the chemistry that developed from those hours in our driveway playing hotly contested basketball games, working the give and go to perfection versus our neighbors and creating football routes like P2 in the bushes in which no defender north of I-90 could stop, led to a relationship and a host of memories that I'll take over athletic superiority.

I also like to use this story to grab some credit in my brother's development and success. I would like to think that this rule ignited a fire in him that burns to this day. I'd like to think this need to beat his brother in basketball translated into other aspects of his life.

It may be stretch but I'll openly admit I am grasping for some of his coat tails.

I have a ton of respect for my brother. He and I have a good bit in common but we are very different in the way we approach and handle things. While he continues to downplay this achievement, I and the rest of his family are excited to celebrate a major accomplishment in his life. He may be humble about it but I have no problem picking up the slack and bragging about my brother and his MBA from the Kellogg School Of Business at Northwestern University.

Not So High Aspirations

There is this song by Nickleback, a band I can't stand, that keeps getting played at seemingly every place I go. I finally gave in and listened to it. The lyrics repeatedly described the lifestyle of a "rock star" and I continuously heard how the singer supposedly thought we all want to be a rock star.

I'll admit there are days I have dreamed of living that life. Other times I have fantasized of being an athletic superstar, preferably on the football field. Finally, like everyone I have speculated about what I would do if I won the lottery and suddenly became rich.

So, as I heard this guy wax poetic about easy women, cheap drugs, the best bars, hanging out with movie stars (catch that rhyme there?), plenty of money and on and on, I thought to myself how in all honesty, that is NOT the life I'd be happiest living.

Of course I'd love to be popular. Rocking out on stage and feeling the power of the sound behind would be awesome. The party lifestyle would even be fun for awhile or until the hangovers and morning afters got old. The toys that come with all the riches of rock star status would be sweet too.

In the end though, my aspirations are much milder. For me, happiness is much more simple. True, I'd like a ton of money, but this more to pay of debt than anything else. I like the idea of having things to want.

This goes against many of the Buddhist principles I have been gleaming about of late, but I find enjoyment in having to browse through Best Buy to pick a CD or two because I can't just buy every one I want. There is a certain amount of pleasure I get out of this.

I don't want to be Tiger Woods or LeBron James and have everything I could possibly imagine. That would be boring.

But I really would like my debt paid off!

No, for me it is the simpler things that would make me happy.

I am perfectly satisfied with the opportunity to play softball a couple nights week. I would like to play basketball with my friends on a regular basis. Making it out to a ballgame from time to time is something I would appreciate. Watching my favorite teams play and win is important to me as well.

I enjoy coming home to hang out with my wife and kids. My daughter's laugh makes me happy. When she calls me "daddy" my heart rate increases in a good way. Taking a vacation to New England with my wife would be sweet. Having a comfortable house in a safe neighborhood near my friends and around sensible neighbors is pleasant. Grilling out on warm summer nights is always good.

Pulling a chair up to a bar and tossing back a couple cold ones with good friends is a happy occurrence for me. If a game is on at the same time, BONUS! If I'm tailgating before a game, that is even better!

Blogging away and knowing friends and family read with interest is appealing to me as well. Finding old friends and catching up with them on social networking sites brings a smile to my face.

I want trips to Dairy Queen to remain a treat. I'd hate to be "above" that.

There are plenty of other things I enjoy. I could probably work out some rhymes and catchy hooks and make a song out of these too.

But one thing is for sure, as much as those riches and parties and all that glory sounds enticing, the rest of that lifestyle wouldn't be worth it. I'd rather live the life I live now.

Mourning Mallory

It feels like my life has come to a point of closure. Recently, my wife and I experienced a difficult period that I have documented often in this blog. We lost a baby late in the pregnancy to triploidy. It is a freak chromosomal disorder that has always been fatal for the fetus.

We both have worked hard to grieve appropriately and deal with the emotional roller coaster that accompanies a loss such as this. Fortunately, this experience doesn't have any lasting physical problems so we have been able to continue our lives as planned.

We now approach the one year anniversary of the event. At this year mark we have a beautiful baby girl. We are celebrating this joyous experience with sleep deprivation and plenty of diaper changes and feedings. These events present their own challenges believe it or not, but each one is graciously welcomed.

So now I reflect on the past year with all that has happened and wonder to myself if I should put the loss to rest. But I don't want to let this go. I fear that moving on would distant myself from the memory of Mallory even though there was never really a physical memory. I recall the weeks following the loss and how determined I was to make sure we didn't sweep it under the rug. My gut was telling me that I needed to make a big deal about the loss.

I still question if that is appropriate. Plenty of couples lose babies. One thing I learned from the experience was that the number of babies that are lost is surprisingly high. A number of women lose numerous babies before they finally have a successful birth. I lost count of the women in our lives that came out of the woodwork and told us their own stories of lost babies.

They remained silent about these losses. If this is the case and many of them don't mourn their losses, does this mean I am blowing this out of proportion? Is my effort to remain so open about my experience a cry for attention? Am I making a big deal over nothing? Am I too sensitive? Is this something I should let go?

I'll be the first to admit I crave attention. Isn't this blog really an example of me crying out, "Look at me! Listen to me! Watch me!" I think everybody enjoys positive attention at some level whether or not they'll admit it openly or even to ourselves.

So is this a function of that craving?

I do know that in my private moments, I have been emotional over the loss. I really did carry the burden for awhile and throughout the successful pregnancy, I would revisit the memory of the loss in a fearful or saddened way. I didn't always publicize those moments. I would share them with my wife, but she was my partner in this experience.

My wife refers to our daughter as our "miracle baby" because of the loss. She feels it is time to put the loss behind us and has said it is OK to let go of the mourning.

I, on the other hand, still feel that ending the mourning would be one more step to forgetting Mallory. It is all I have of her. My brother and his wife are so generous and caring. They gave my wife and me two gifts. One for the new baby and one to remember Mallory. It meant the world to me. I felt like it gives me a tangible memory of Mallory and I could begin to let go without erasing her. But here I am still wanting to hold on to the sadness. I'm still afraid that letting go would erase Mallory.

Another thought I had was to tattoo her name somewhere hidden on myself. I would then have a tangible way to keep her with me forever. But this would make a hypocrite out of me since I have major issues with the trendy tattoo thing that has risen over the last decade or so. Also, if I did this, I feel I would need to add my two living children and then I would be approaching NBA player level. Wait. No, until I have body ink crawling up my neck and down my arms, I'll be OK.

Maybe my newborn is my closure. She may represent what Mallory would be. Maybe she represents what Mallory is. But I do not want to put that on her. I don't want my youngest daughter to live her life carrying the memory of someone else. I want her to be her own unique person to me. I recall a good friend of mine whose twin was lost at birth. We have discussed this subject manner in the past and his opinion would be worth hearing. I am curious if he feels like he was carrying the memory of his brother throughout his life and if that was a positive or negative thing.

This is a joyous time in my life. I have had numerous setbacks over the past several years and it feels like I am beginning to climb my way back to the surface. This is a time I should be celebrating all the joy, not dragging out the pain. I just can't leave this behind me.

Life is not about the destination but the journey right?

So cliche!