Birthday Post Hal Lebovitz Style

Hal Lebovitz was a sports writer for the News Herald, the local newspaper in the county where I grew up. By the time I began reading him religiously he had been around for decades and wrote for other papers (Cleveland News and Cleveland Plain Dealer) prior to my hometown Herald. But each weekend he had a column where he touched on a number of different topics regarding the Cleveland teams or other worthwhile, interesting tidbits about the sports world at that time. This was a part of my Sundays that I cherished. We would get home from church and I made a mad dash to the Sunday News Herald to see what Hal had to say. My earlier intentions to be a sportswriter for a career stemmed from this experience.

So today I am using his Sunday format to cover a number of topics I have wanted to touch in this blog but haven't had the time to address. I have some serious catching up to do. My birthday present to myself is this post with the Georgia v. Georgia Tech game on to my right and my ipod blasting a variety of favorite tunes to my left.

Here we go....I hope you enjoy and comment on one or more:

My Dark Period
I have been pretty open about my recent downturn in mood and feeling. Mostly it has been despair, sadness and worry. But underneath these emotions there is a lot of anger brewing. I can feel it come out over little things. I explode over things I should brush off. I get easily frustrated and aggravated. I have been examining the reasons why. I am trying to connect the dots and get to the core issue I must be dealing with so I can fix it.

I keep coming back to one point. This point is that I do not stick up for myself. My wife even recognizes it and has mentioned it. She says that by not defending myself I am accepting things as true. I'll be the first to admit I have a problem with confrontation. I hate it. As a result I have taken a lot of emotional punishment without doing anything about it and then internalized it way too much. Then I feel worse about being too much of a coward to stand up and confront my confrontation fear. I think much of my anger may be coming from this.

In the past I have tried to stick up for myself when I felt like I was being pushed around but then I look like a fool because people say I can't take a joke. They say I'm taking things too seriously or I am too emotional or I am overreacting. So the cycle continues and I try to take things as a joke. But then I hear plenty of negative comments and feel horrible about myself.

I want to start calling people out when they say stupid things about me to me. But I don't want to turn into an angry person either. I have tried to practice this idea of "breaking the chain" and not letting someone else's anger towards me create a negative response from me. I wanted to stop passing forward the bad in the world. I wanted to absorb the bad and "be the better person" in an attempt to make the world better. Yes, I realize this is very righteous or pious or whatever but I tried anyway.

Now I see the damage it is doing to me as an individual and I think it is time to unleash the beast. I could go on listing the issues I have with people's wrongful treatment but I have too much more to write. Just get ready. I am working my way to a point where I am going to seem very mean.

Ohio state Football
Believe it or not there are people in Columbus who are blaming Jim Tressel for a disappointing 10-2 season. They blame the coaching for losing to USC and Penn State. I admit the Big Ten is down which means the Buckeyes really didn't have any signature wins this year but c'mon! 10-2 is 10-2. More importantly it is 10-2 after back to back appearances in the BCS Title game. Has anybody seen the mighty LSU's record this year? Granted they are in tougher conference but they didn't beat anybody of any significance. You can't blame it all on LSU's QB drama earlier in the year because their defense stunk it up all year. It is not easy to maintain the kind of success Ohio State has had over the Tressel era. In his 8 years he has won a national title, played for two others, made BCS bowl games 5(maybe 6 if Oregon st loses a game) times, been in a bowl game every year, beaten our rival 7 times, and won or shared the Big Ten title at least 4 times (off the top of my head). Weak conference or not teams are bound for a let down in that time. OSU really has never had a major let down and when there has been one, it lasts one season. During this same period I can only think of USC and Texas (maybe Florida) as teams that have had the same consistent success. Get off Tressel people. We are lucky to have him.

Raising My Kid
I watched the OSU v. Michigan game at the house of a friend of mine. She used to work with me so another colleague from work was there as well. The game was a blowout allowing our conversation to meander away from sports and it found its way to the Bible. My colleague mentioned Proverbs as a good "book" to use with my daughter. This came about because I mentioned how there are a number of values from the Bible that I plan to instill in my child despite my personal issue with it. To clarify this statement I should say that it really isn't the Bible itself that I have a problem with but the people who constantly use it to support their erroneous, hateful and immoral views. The interpretation is the problem more than the book. I would also cite the narrow point of view many people have who use the Bible as the end all, be all reference to morality and goodness.

With all of this said, I am not a Bible hater. I feel there is so much that can be taken from that book like loving thy neighbor as thyself, the ten commandments, turning the other cheek, the idea that power and greed are the root of evil, giving to the poor and needy in spirit as well as more worldly needs, the importance to fight temptation and reality of it, making sacrifices and prayer. These and many more principles are concepts I find very valuable. While my daughter gets fed many things from the Bible on her mother's side, I am not going to fight it. Instead I want to make sure I direct it. She will NOT grow up thinking slavery is justified or homosexuality is immoral even though the Bible "says so." She WILL be allowed to speak up in church or to her husband. She doesn't need to grow up thinking she has to be submissive to her partner because the Bible "said so." I could go on.

My goal is to teach her these positive values of the Bible and to help as best I can to get her to understand the Bible was written in a variety of contexts and these contexts affected what was written. It is much like politics in that the different books were written to particular audiences with particular goals in mind. These things need to be considered when reading the Bible. I also want her to feel free to explore other religions and their teachings. Many times these other ways of thinking can provide a clearer point of view for someone. There are also numerous parallels. I continue to explore Buddhism and find similarities. Meditation and prayer are both important components of Christianity and Buddhism as well as sacrifice. I want my kid to feel free to discover this for herself. If I have any say in the matter, she will not be pigeon holed in one discipline.

Being a Moderate
My wife and I had a fantastic conversation on the ride up to our families for the holiday celebrating thanks (and genocide through small pox and violence). She is a die hard liberal and is very proud of it. She wants her values and beliefs to fall on the left side of the ledger every time. She believes that is the correct way of thinking.

Most of the time I fall on her side of things. But not always. This is where the conversation got interesting. As we discussed different issues, she proved her dedication and loyalty to liberalism. I, on the other hand, demonstrated that I have no urge whatsoever to be placed in one particular category. I don't like being labeled liberal or conservative (contrary to a friend's belief that I support liberal issues only because it is "cool" and I want to be liberal because my college professors influenced me and my peers to be). I don't want to be put in a box like that. When I determine my stance on different topics, issues or whatever I like to examine them on their own merit and particular circumstances. I then try to base my stance on my own value system. Whether it is conservative or liberal doesn't matter to me. While I do admit I fall on the liberal side more often than not, I wouldn't call myself that at all. That is fine.

What is most interesting about this is that I try to take things on a case by case basis so I can make sure I am consistent in terms of my personal values as opposed to my political stance, but sometimes it creates contradictions. So in an effort to avoid contradictions I am actually creating contradictions within my views or opinions.

John Brown

I continue to read "Lies My Teacher Told Me: What American History Textbooks Got Wrong" by James Loewen. I recently finished a section about John Brown and his treatment or lack thereof in our textbooks. I find this man and his story fascinating. In high school textbooks he is described as this crazed, militant abolitionist. Loewen even shows two pictures of him (pg 177) with one normal portrait next to a wild, long haired, long bearded man with a crazed look in his eye. According to Loewen, he was a well spoken, well read, intelligent man who proved so in his words during his trial for treason as well as his letters to his family and in his diary. He was well aware of the contradiction our country was demonstrating through slavery. He also knew of the inner struggle we were dealing with in regards to it. He wrote just before his execution that the only way these "crimes" of slavery would be "purged" from our country would be "with blood." (pg 175) As we know, it took the bloody Civil War to finally put an end to slavery.

In 1854 the Kansas-Nebraska Act tried to deal with slavery by leaving the decision to those who settled there. Farmers from the North rushed in to establish it a "free soil" state while most Southern slave owners didn't make the move. But a number of slave owners from Missouri would cross the border to intimidate and terrorize the settlers in an effort to sway things towards slavery. (Loewen p. 173-174) Brown, an abolitionist with family in Kansas, countered by attacking and killing a number of these "terrorists." Later, Brown led a slave revolt in Harper's Ferry, Virginia where he would be caught by Robert E. Lee, eventually tried and hanged for treason.

What is interesting here is that history textbooks up to as late as the 1970s and some even later, painted Brown as the bad guy. They would even go as far as stating the slaves didn't want to revolt despite the evidence that Loewen presents to the contrary. This is a southern justification for slavery that I have noticed in other parts of the book. There seemed to be a consistent attempt to convince us that slaves actually did not mind being enslaved. While I don't specifically remember being taught this, the textbooks being used across the country during my years in school were openly presenting this idea of acceptance of slavery by the slaves themselves.

What the textbooks miss out on is bringing American History alive by presenting John Brown in a way that can demonstrate the very real inner struggle our country has been dealing with for centuries regarding slavery and racism. There were so many economic issues and states rights issues that played roles in the Civil War too but they were tied into the prevailing racism that took place and still takes place today. High school students could have some unbelievably interesting and enlightening discussions about race and slavery if we would look at people like John Brown and his ideas, beliefs and questionable actions to promote and support those thoughts. Abraham Lincoln was a great president who really did want to eradicate slavery from our country and knew it was a BIG cause of and factor in the Civil War, but he too struggled with his personal racism. On one hand he referred to African Americans as "niggers" but on the other he felt guilty and sick about seeing slaves shackled on a train he rode. Nobody wants to see the racial slurs Lincoln used or hear about Washington and Jefferson owning slaves, cheating on their wives or in Jefferson's case being an atheist. But I think we can present these "heroes" to our high school students in a way that demonstrates their flaws and shows how they accomplished a good bit despite their shortcomings and how these contradictions created interesting situations and discussion points. It doesn't need to be this pure, constant line of progress because it wasn't. Our history has had its ups and downs, progress and set backs, successes and failures and they all have affected how things are today.

LeBron James in 2010
Charles Barkley was on a radio show and called out James in regards to his open dialogue about possibly playing in New York in 2010. He said LeBron should not be so open about it. He plays for the Cavs and will for two more seasons and needs to quit talking about the Knicks or Nets. James responded by calling Barkley "stupid."

I am finding myself more and more anti-LeBron. It is hard to do. He is so, very good, plays for my team and seems like a good guy. But I will not be held hostage by him and I am getting tired of this game. No player should be bigger than the team. Even LeBron. I have been worried about this happeneing. This is one of the things I hated about Jordan. He became bigger than the Bulls. In fact the NBA as a whole fell out of graces with me as a result. Then the new generation of stars came about. Among them, James who seemed like a team first guy on the court. Combine that with being on my team and I was fine with James and his Jordanesque persona.

Now I am getting tired of it. At first, I wanted to write about how the national media needs to shut up about NYC and LeBron and buy a clue that Cleveland is also putting themselves in position to sign LeBron in 2010. They will be in the BEST position to re-sign him to be honest. But we don't hear that on ESPN. Also, we will have enough to get ANOTHER stud that is available that year. ESPN, FOX and other national media outlets won't tell you that.

Instead, I almost want James gone. I don't want to contribute to the "player bigger than the team" concept. Correct or incorrect, true or false....that is what's stupid Mr. James.

(This Georgia v. Ga Tech rivalry game has been pretty fun to watch....especially the second half.)

Happy Thanksgiving

I have some more meaningful, thought provoking reflections and comments for a future post regarding Thanksgiving, but for now I thought you should enjoy some humor. This is a skit from Frank TV on TBS that features the impersonations of Frank Caliendo. I love this guy. He is dead on with a number of stars. The skit writing could be better but right now, who cares. Just enjoy his John Madden imitation.



He picked the Chiefs? What year was this? Brett Favre must not have been playing that game.



Although Mike and Mike are annoying, here is a nice long segment with many of his good impersoninations:

The End Justifies The Means?

Are you a believer in the old saying, "The end justifies the means?" I think I am. There are limits of course. I believe each situation is unique and needs to be examined on a case by case basis. What about when rule breaking comes into the picture?

On the morning of The Game I should be blogging about this rivalry game between Ohio State and nagihcim. In fact I should have been all week like my buddy did here. But I have had heavier things on my brain of late. Regardless of that team's horrible record this game is still important and big and anyone can win. In fact it would not surprise one bit if that team came down here and beat us due to this very fact and that the whole world isn't giving them a chance. Despite this, I am consumed with other things, so let's continue:

I am curious what people think about this concept of the end justifying the means. I am widely considered a good person. I think that I am. I try to do things that are "right" and "good." My relationship with my daughter's mother is an example of my efforts to "be the better man" and put any and all bitterness behind me. So much of what I do regarding my kid is based in what is right more than what I want even though I admit I haven't held true to this every time. I try to be good not perfect.

I find myself in a position right now where I can do something that is beneficial in my mind for someone I love dearly. The issue here is that it breaks the rules. I am 100% aware that I would break these rules to do this. I know exactly what I am doing and have no hesitation to do it. I feel no guilt whatsoever. Honesty is important, but in this case, I don't mind being dishonest. I am willing to pay the consequences....assuming these consequences are what I think they are. (In the words of former Cardinals' head coach Dennis Green: "They are who we thought they were...AND WE LET THEM OFF THE HOOK!!")

I firmly believe in this case that the end justifies the means. Nobody is technically getting hurt. Nobody is benefiting in a superficial, shallow way. The benefit is life altering for the better (if I could only be more dramatic, geez) without any real harm being done to get it. It is something that is done all the time for nothing more than convenience. In my case, it is not for convenience but something deeper. But of course, anyone who breaks a rule or law has their own justification for it. In their mind, they are right. What is it about mine that is more justified than theirs? Rules and laws are there for a reason, right? Plus, I am not saying that I am not breaking any rules, I admit I am. I'm saying my case trumps those rules. I choose not to get into details publicly, but my logic here is sound. I have thought this through and feel comfortably justified in this logic.

Now, no decision has been made. There are other options. I plan to study every option. My fear is that these other options are not attainable. Therefore, I am setting my sights on this "rule breaking" option. There is still a good bit of time ahead and calls to be made and ideas to be hatched before I make a decision. I also need to let go of my controlling nature and allow other vested interests get their say. But for the sake of discussion, does the end justify the means to you? Do I forfeit my "good guy" badge for intentionally breaking the rules even when I feel there is a greater purpose here? Do I get a mulligan here and allow myself to be dishonest.

I think so.

Above all, my loved ones come first. Even before honesty and rule following.

Just Tie Your Shoes!

The other day I noticed a student had their shoes untied. This could lead to some unfortunate things like falling down the stairs and getting seriously hurt or beginning an escalating series of events between students ultimately ending in a fight and missed class time as well as another headache for me and administration to deal with that doesn't involve educating our youth which we are primarily paid to do.

You may think I am making too much of a simple untied shoe, but after a decade in the classroom you learn how "little thing" lead to big things more often than not. In this case, a loose shoe string may be stepped on by another student intentionally or unintentionally angering the student with the untied shoe. This leads to words of frustration towards the "culprit" creating a response that is rarely positive. Next thing you know people are talking about the other's mother and pushes follow with punches next and we end up with some conference in the office over all this stuff that has nothing to do with an untied shoe.

But to be completely honest, when I told the girl that her shoe laces were untied and she should tie them, I was thinking it was just a safe thing to do. I didn't want her face first in the ground at some point.

Well, God forbid I tell another person to do something!!! The look of disdain and complete resistance I received from this child was out of line. By no means was I disrespectful to this child. In fact. I thought I was helping her. How do I deserve this?

Here is my other problem: Let's say I didn't say anything. Or let's say I didn't persist until she finally tucked the lace in her shoe (mainly because a peer finally stepped in and said the obvious, "Just do it, it's not that big of a deal"). If she did end up tripping and falling down the stairs or getting in a fight because another kid stepped on the lace while she tried to take a step, who would mom or dad come barreling into school to blame? Me. Or her teacher. Or the principal. Oh, that wouldn't happen all the time, Huey. Uh, well, it happens a lot. It happens often at my school anyway and has for 9+ years at least. The majority of the time a student gets in a fight, the parent storms in and wants to know how we disciplined the other party in the fight. Their main focus is not on holding their child accountable for their part in the altercation, but in keeping us in check and making sure we are fair. It goes back to the lack of trust in our schools and the disconnect between parents and teachers.

I can only look at me. I can only control me. I need to focus on what I am doing. So i need to make sure I am putting forth the effort to communicate with parents from day one to help create the connection myself. There are things I can and need to do to fix this kind of problem. But to be honest, when I get the treatment from those students like this on a daily basis I just lose my motivation. I internalize the negative feelings I just received and feel horrible and downright apathetic. It becomes that much harder to go the extra mile. And I have a family. I want to spend my evenings with my wife and daughter. I need to spend time with them.

This is what cuts to the core of my displeasure with the current state of affairs in my life right now. I am tired of doing the right thing, or trying to, and somehow getting blamed for other people's lack of effort or resistance to me. I am tired of the resistance period. But then to get that resistance reinforced, frustrates me even more.

I mean, all I am doing is telling someone to do something that will benefit them! Why am I the bad guy here?

The Top Five Favorite Bands!

After a LONG delay I bring you the final installment of Huey's All Time Personal Favorite Bands. Remember this is not indicative of who I think are the overall, objective best bands of all time, but instead, they are my favorites.

Here is a review of where we have come from:
25)Public Enemy
24)Nine Inch Nails
23)Huey Lewis and the News
22)Hanzel Und Gretyl
21)Nirvana
20)Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
19)The Who
18)Sublime
17)Outkast
16)Pink Floyd
15)Jane's Addiction
14)Muse
13)The Cars
12)The Hollies
11)Audioslave
10)Linkin Park
9)Stone Temple Pilots
8)The Offspring
7)A Tribe Called Quest
6)Fun Lovin' Criminals

5) Weezer:
Weezer is an example of a band that grows on you. I bought their Blue Album back in college, 1994ish I believe after hearing several songs on the radio. My roommates and I would chill to the album often. Slowly, I realized how much I enjoyed the album from start to finish. As time went on and they released more and more albums, my appreciation for them grew. Every album was one I would enjoy from the first track to the last. I love their sound, I like their look and the catalog of songs and hits that I never get tired of is endless. They sing about things I can relate to and their general sensibility is one that appeals to me. Overall, the Green Album may be my favorite. With songs like "Don't Let Go" and "Photograph" (what band doesn't have some song titled Photograph somewhere in their collection...geez) and "Knock Down Drag Out" and "Glorious Day"....I mean the list goes on. The whole CD is great.

In these days of iTunes and iPods, I look at my playlist and see that Weezer takes up so much space with the number of songs I have made sure to be included on the list. It is ridiculous. But with a band so tight, it really isn't all that crazy at all. The only bands topping Weezer in number of songs on my iPod would be the next four in my countdown.

4)Garbage:

I have been in love with Shirley Manson since the first time I laid eyes on her petite little figure heading this band of producers back in the mid 90's. I'll be the first to admit she is no Ali Larter or Carrie Underwood in the looks department but her rock n roll attitude was always so attractive and lustful to me. Their debut self titled album was awesome. The sound was something that blended pop and modern rock with some alternative and electronic sound. I have heard some refer to it as post-grunge. They were/are a perfect mix of a kick ass, attention grabbing lead vocalist with three successful producers providing the music and mixing the sound to make the sweetness of Garbage. Manson comes from Scotland while, Duke Erikson, Butch Vig and Steve Marker are from the U.S. Vig was a major player in the album Nevermind by Nirvana during the grunge days as well as other successful bands.

Garbage came out of the box quickly and grabbed me with their debut album and then followed up with Version 2.0 which was just as good if not better. I must admit the third album Beautiful Garbage was borderline fruity and not a real favorite of mine, the came back strong with Bleed Like Me and settled any fears I had of their demise.

Their live shows are tight. The sound is strong, Manson takes control of the stage and leaves out the bull crap. They get right to the point and rock out with little talk in between. Their vibe is upbeat and energetic. The sound is smooth and their sets are always full of quality tracks.


3) U2:

Longevity and sheer volume of albums and tracks that I dig from this band puts them in the 3 hole. Bono, The Edge, Larry Mullens Jr. and Adam Clayton have been around for decades now writing and making songs that I can listen to in so many different contexts. While everyone hated their little escapade into "techno," I enjoyed it. I didn't mind Pop. I loved Achtung Baby. It is still one of my all time favorite albums. I love the sound and feel of that album. "Even Better Than the Real Thing" and "One" are among my favorites but I also love "The Fly," "Zoo Station" and "Until The End of the World." The list goes on though. Like Weezer, U2 takes up a ton of kbs on my iPod. Or would it be mgs?

But while most people appreciate U2's earlier albums, I can get with that too. Obviously, Joshua Tree with its proven success is an album I can listen to front to back without a skipped track. Going back even further to the classics from War and Boy, I find myself waning a bit but still enjoy these earlier albums as well.

The look, the feel and vibe of the band is appealing to me and their songs are about things I can relate to. Bono is a prototype lead, The Edge plays the supporting role perfectly and Clayton just sits back and plays the bass the way bassists should. Mullens Jr. takes care of carrying the tempo and together, they make one tight unit.

Some people may be tired of Bono's holier than thou attitude and work in international relations and others admire him for it. I appreciate people who use their money or fame to try to do what they think is good. God bless him.


I have managed to see their live shows on several occasions. One of which was the PopMart tour that was lambasted by critics. Honestly, what's wrong with an over the top, sensationalist show for the senses? Pink Floyd did much the same. It enjoyed it. I also enjoyed the calmer, more down to earth show I saw later for the How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb tour. Yes, my experience with U2 is rather limited until Joshua Tree and on, but I have been able to "catch up" so to speak over time.

2) Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers:

Here it is: Straight up Rock n' Roll. That is Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. No stupid crap. Just album after album after album of rock. So many people with so many different tastes can get down to Petty. He was a staple at our college "events." No matter the vibe, Petty worked. He has now rocked several generations of youth and adults. His vibe and sound is consistent and relevant.

Full Moon Fever was my personal initiation to Petty and his band. I loved so many of those songs. It remains one of my favorite albums of all time. "You Wreck Me" on Wildflowers is my all time favorite tune of his. his live shows are awesome. As I said before, consistent with All that is Petty, they are straight up, no frills rock. Greats sets that sound good and get the crowd going. The feeling is always energetic and fun. There's no crazy bull crap talking going on between songs except some quick anecdotal notes regarding the songs.

It was great to see he and the band play at the Super Bowl recently and even better to see how well they played. It was about time we had a Super Bowl halftime show worthy of the event and that lived up to the hype.


I would list the highlighted songs that I love by this man but the list would go on for ever and become biblical in its boring list of information that seems irrelevant. I can just leave it at this: I love just about every Tom Petty song I have ever heard.

AND NOW!!!!!! The most favorite band of mine: (drum roll please)

1) Social Distortion:

God I love this band. I have been on a Social D kick for several years now. I have tried to convince myself that I am going through a phase but I quit. I can't get enough of this band. I am way late to this party as the original lineup began in the late 70s/early 80s. I finally made my way to them in the late 90s and really getting into them more in 2002ish. But in the 6 short years that I have dove head first into their stuff, I find myself appreciating them more and more. I am not sure how to describe their sound. Again, I would say straight up rock n' roll although its a different sound than Tom Petty. They lean more punk, or alternative I suppose. They rock this rockabilly look and vibe. The members of the band have come and gone from what I understand with a guitarist Dennis Danell, passing away in 2000. Mike Ness, lead vocals, has been the mainstay though. His raspy voice has its unique sound that appeals to me as well as the general themes of their songs about going overboard and then dealing with the after effects. It seems like lately they are on this kick "being better." From "Far Behind" about moving from a poisonous friendships or relationships, to "Reach for the Sky" seemingly about working towards better things and "Don't Take Me For Granted" probably about their guitarist passing away and the feeling that you need to appreciate what and who you got while you got it.



I have been listening to Mommy's Little Monster a good bit. I also found myself listening to Halfway Between Heaven and Hell. I love the live album from the Roxy. And I even dig their newer stuff as well. Again, like Petty, the lists of songs go on and on. "Another State of Mind," Let It Be Me," "Cold Feelings," "1945," "Bad Luck," "The Creeps," "Prison Bound" and so much more begin the long list of songs I love. Right now two CD slots in my car are filled with Social D CDs.



As for their live show, anyone who has seen Social Distortion live knows they are awesome. Intense rock. A good bit of talk between songs, but easily overlooked when every song is strong and mindblowing.

There you have it. My favorite bands. I hope you enjoyed it. I would love to hear more than just comoprozac's Top 5. So join him by leaving your top 5. Or share your disagreements with my opinions. Any of you have memories with me at these shows or listening to this stuff. Feel free to share.

An Observation of Race in America

We are at the cusp of a new era in America. Our first minority President has been elected. We have an unprecedented opportunity to do and experience some amazing things in the next four, or hopefully more, years. This is an opportunity to begin a public discourse and discussion on race and race relations in an open and healthy manner. But we need to be careful. I fear that as easily as we could advance to a much better place as a culture and society and nation, we could also slide to even further, more hateful and divisive depths.

First, I would like to share my personal opinion for the record. I am excited. I am one of the people that wants this to unite us black and white, Democrat and Republican. I want to see African Americans walk around with pride and a sense of investment in this country. I want Republicans to listen to our President and give him a chance. I want us to truly come together to fix the problems with the economy, crime, education, environment and race relations. I think we can. "Yes We Can!" as we have heard so much lately. I feel like Obama can initiate this. I feel like he can lead us. I feel like he motivate us to move forward. His acceptance speech was beautiful. It touched all of the points it needed to hit and in an inspiring way that sent tingles up my spine.

But I am fearful. I realize not everyone is from the same point of view as me. I have several concerns that lead me to believe that we may crumble instead of grow. There are people who do not take all of this the right way. There are people with feelings of bitterness, spite and anger. If there are enough people and they feel strongly enough in these ways, we could be in big trouble.

President Obama cannot and will not fix everything all by himself. I hope everyone realizes this. For beginners, the problems are so big and and so intricate that it is going to take time and patience to fix them correctly. Secondly, Congress will play a major role. Let's not forget our 4th grade Social Studies lessons about Federal Government, the Legislative branch makes the laws and the Executive branch (President Obama) carries out the laws. In addition, the real change is going to have to happen in the streets. We will be the ones changing things for the better. We can't sit here and watch, thinking everything will be hunky dory. And it is not going to be comfortable. It won't be easy. It may get ugly before it gets pretty. Because of this, I worry people will turn for the worse.

I'd like to share several observations and stories I have heard and experienced this past week since Barack Obama was elected. You can form your own judgement.

Exhibit A:
Wednesday, November 5, 2008

African American coworkers were estactic! It was like the Buckeyes won the National Championship except this was much more important. I was feeling much the same way. I was excited to talk to everybody about it and share in the excitement and hope of what may be. For the most part I did. But what struck me was how many African Americans naturally assumed I and my fellow white, male employees voted McSame. There were some bold, blatantly prejudice remarks made about why we'd vote that way as if they were standing in the poll booth with us.

My friend and I discussed this double standard at length and I am noticing mixed feelings. On one hand, that sucks. On the other, well, who really cares? This seemed minor compared to getting pulled over and patted down by a cop because I must be a criminal since I'm driving late at night and I'm black or have a nice car or have my stereo playing loudly. Or dealing with comments and assumptions like this on a daily basis your whole life.

This takes me back to a time in college when I attended an Asian American dance with a roommate of mine who was Indian. I was literally the only white guy, person to be honest, there. It was not the first time I was in a situation where I was the only person of my race. I played basketball at an all black youth group in high school. Larry Bird they called me. I went to an all gay church service before as well. But this dance was still very foreign to me. The music, the languages being spoken, the attire and little nuances were unfamiliar to me. After we left and walked back to the dorm (without any women unfortunately, these were my pre-player days) I made the comment that I felt out of place and my roommate replied, "Now you know how we feel everyday." For some reason, even though it made sense to me and it was something I thought about before that experience, I was struck by it at that time and haven't forgotten it since.

Even though I felt small sliver of what it was like to be a minority, I came to realization that I would never fully appreciate what it was like for him or other minority groups in America. All of those multicultural experiences I have had and still have today will never fully allow to me to 100% understand and relate. I can always go back to being a white, straight male with health insurance and a paycheck in a white, straight man's country. There are others in my position who have had even less exposure or have never had the epiphany I did that evening. Therefore, when I hear comments like those, even though there may be this double standard that they can make prejudice comments but we can't, I can live with it.

Exhibit B:
Friday, November 7th, 2008

I am driving home from a meeting with my daughter's teacher and hear about my Browns losing their Thursday night game. The opponents wide receiver, Brandon Marshall, was talking about a planned celebration he had for after he scored. He was going to pay tribute to Obama's election by taking from the famous fists of Tommie Smith and John Carlos at the 1968 Olympics 40 years ago. He planned to hold his fist in the air but with a glove that was half white and half black. It was supposed to symbolize the coming together of white and black America.

What a great thing to see. It was a move based on unity not division and I had no problem with it. While I thought this move was clever and wished he did it, mainly it was because I wanted him to be penalized and provide Brady with good field position for a game winning drive.......nevermind.

Exhibit C:
Sometime during the week before the election, 2008

My friend's father-in-law drives a bus in a well-to-do suburb of Columbus and noticed one day that all of the kids were chanting "Let's go Bucks. Obama Sucks!" Obviously lots of McCainiacs for parents up there eh?

This is the attitude that scares me.

Exhibit D:
Thursday, November 6, 2008

I hear a kid run down the stairs telling a friend that they were all going to get $1,000 checks since Obama won. I don't think they were talking about the proposed economic stimulus package dems have on the table or the two that Bush pushed through over the past couple years, but that statement reflects what is being said at home and what bothers some people I have talked to.

So here is my fear. The obvious is that Republicans, conservatives, whites or general racists will have such a major problem with Obama that they will purposely sabotage things. Blacks and other minorities will suddenly believe things will automatically get better just because a minority is in the White House. They will feel that they will automatically receive benefits just because of this monumental election without joining in on the work that needs to take place across the board. What I am even more scared about is that many whites who have a problem with this will become so bitter that they deliberately avoid the work we ALL need to do to make this happen or even worse purposely oppose and resist it. Even though their spite is counterproductive to themselves, they will just not be able to get past it.

In the end everyone needs to pitch in here and cooperate. Whites and conservatives will have to resist the urge to fight the changes coming. Critics needs to maintain patience with the Obama administration as his decisions begin to come down the line. Supporters and minorities, black and white and democrat or independent need to continue to work at the grass roots level to fix this stuff.

We need to realize that NOW the work begins. And WE are the ones that need to do it. We can't sit here and expect change without changing ourselves. I pray enough people realize this to make up the critical mass we need to push things forward. (I prefer writing "we" more than "they" like did in that earlier paragraph)

We also need to take advantage of this opportunity before us. We have a black President. We do. Blacks and whites whether we voted for him or not. This could be a platform or a chance to open discussion about race between each other. It will be uncomfortable. It may sting a bit. But both sides need to be tactful but honest and able to take some views they don't want to hear. We both need to listen and be able to take some uncomfortable comments. This is discussion that HAS to happen to push the barrier down. The only way we can begin to live more harmoniously is to do this.

What excited me is that we have a leader that can provide leadership for this. He can be a beacon of hope. He can guide us though it as he, himself, openly discusses race. He seems like he understands this opportunity. He demonstrates a platform of unity and togetherness. He mentioned in his acceptance speech that it is time to bring together democrats, republicans, whites, blacks, gays, straight, rich, poor, able bodied, disabled. This is what I want to hear.

We have an extremely intelligent man in office. He "gets it." Most important to me, he can motivate and inspire us, the people who will make the difference in the end. I trust him.

One more thing: Don't screw with the BCS Mr. President. Let the sports degenerates deal with it.

Insomniac

There are many more important things going on tonight other than my inability to fall asleep a couple hours before the clocks fall back. The election is upon us, #1 Texas is down against Texas Tech at last check. The Cavs lost a game earlier to the Hornets in New Orleans. The Browns have a chance to go to 4-4 tomorrow against a division rival (not gonna happen though). I am eagerly awaiting May 10th 2009. I have report cards due this coming week and quarterly assessments to score as well as quarterly writing pieces.

But right now I am tossing and turning in my bed with heavy self pity on my brain. I thought maybe getting it out in the open would help. It's nothing private. It is nothing everyone who knows me doesn't already know themselves. Plus, I wear my emotions and thought on my sleeve to a fault.

I cannot seem to get over this feeling of failure lately. I have been dealing with it for a good year or so maybe less. Nothing has really changed. I am the same person I always have been at the core. But lately my shortcomings have really been exposed. I have learned I have anxiety issues that constitute a disorder. I have some slight paranoia and constantly practice negative "catastrophic what if" thinking. To top it off I have some major codependency issues and cannot say "no." You all know this already. No surprise here. I knew I had some paranoia and was afraid of confrontation, but I never realized all of this.

Now everything I do somehow relates to these things in my head. I can't escape it. I feel like a mental, emotional, weak minded fool. I liked it much better when I didn't know about these things. Ignorance is bliss. I have been trying really hard to improve myself. You may remember my positive affirmations posts. I blatantly wrote those to help pump myself up and force myself out of this negative thinking rut. But it is not working. On the outside I am trying to be positive but in my heart I don't feel it. It is not "me."

There was a time not too long ago that I was happy. I felt proud of who I was and what I was doing. I thought I was doing the single father thing well and took a lot of pride in it. Again, I am sure this came out in my posts and your interactions with me. I thought I was doing things right. I tried real hard to do the "right" thing and be the better person, especially in dealing with my job and my daughter's mom. It wasn't easy but I thought I was doing well.

I have come to find out I was not. There were too many holes to count in the way I handled myself. My parenting wasn't firm enough. I was raising a daughter who was demonstrating the same shortcomings and faults of my own. I wasn't raising her to be the person I thought I was raising her to be. I wasn't following through with other things in my life like I should have been. I was setting myself up for what I am dealing with now I guess.

This was like a bad dream coming true. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid by, not trying to think negatively, but instead avoiding thinking too positively to just be cut down later and devastated that all I thought was good was false. It still happened.

But I fought on. I revamped my style of parenting. I maintained my vision of doing what I thought was best for my kid and I changed my methods to help her avoid the same path I have followed mentally and emotionally. She has shown tremendous growth. I would like to take credit for it but really, it isn't mine to take. My methods were not this successful. Hence the feeling of failure. In an effort to stay positive, to push the affirmations I continue to give myself credit for at least changing when I did. But it doesn't feel good in my heart.

I have lost that pride in myself completely. I have lost my joy of teaching. The stress is unbearable. My class this year is a really cool group of kids. This is the kind of class I entered teaching to teach. But I feel horrible when I wake up in the morning. I go home feeling completely defeated and drained. I wanted to change the world and I think I am making it worse like I did with my kid.

I am finding out that the way I think and they way I deal with things or approach things is completely off base and unhealthy. Again, I used to take pride in how I would approach things and the way I would think. Instead, I am finding out that this way is negative or harmful.

My bitterness and anger towards people and things is growing. I get frustrated and annoyed so much easier than I have before. I just don't feel like I have the best of me out there anymore. I feel like the worst of me is all I have left. And I just keep bringing others around me down.

I really would rather not hear any comments trying to "pick me up." Seriously. This really is not a passive aggressive method of getting compliments from family and friends. Actually, it probably is and I just don't realize it like all those other things I didn't realize before. So I guess my point is, don't fall for some lame attempt to suck out people's approval. This is a more of a venting, trying to get myself to go to sleep post. If you have suggestions on how one earns back positive feelings they once had, let me know.

These affirmations aren't really working, but maybe something else would. Maybe I just need to get tough and get over myself. I should just stop thinking this way. Force myself to think positive and the heart will follow. Rome wasn't built in a day.