Listening To My Brain Melt In My Head

I had some time on my hands this afternoon and decided to stray from the routine of ESPN's daytime programming. My surfing took me to Maury and his daily paternity testing talk show. The wife and I wondered aloud what Connie Chung must be thinking when he arrives home each night after another day of this as his job. We also questioned where she has been since her days on the national news.

But I wasn't done there. After dropping my oldest off with her maternal grandmother, I returned home to feed the youngest and watch some more captivating programming. This time I was caught in the midst of three straight court shows. I don't recall their names but you know what I am talking about. The newest versions of People's Court ( a personal favorite of my business law teacher in high school, Mr. Ron Rose) and Judge Judy.

The running theme of the day seemed to be men finding out if they were Fathers or not.

Sigh.

Each time the man owned up to his fatherhood and said he would "be there" for the child.

Oh yay!

I gathered that I was supposed to feel a sense of closure with the happy ending that the man would fulfill his duty as the dad and provide for the child. What a great guy. That is very commendable. Good for him. He is a true man.

Putting aside the fact that there are plenty of absentee fathers out there and this IS better than that alternative (assuming these men follow through on what they said in front of the cameras....they will soon find out saying you will be there is not the same as actually being there), I do not walk away from the at show feeling warm and fuzzy inside.

I'm pissed!

What have things come to that just "being there" is something worthy of accolades, cheers and the title of "Good Father?" Have we set the bar for fathers that low?

Fathers owe their children much more than just diapers and clothes and shelter. Just being there is a requisite. It is a must. We should expect it as a baseline. This doesn't make you a good father, it makes you a father period.

Let's relate it to sports. Showing up for the game doesn't make you a good player. It makes you a player. That's it. You may be better than others in the general population because you are there and on the team, but you are not necessarily a good player.

Trust me. I know. I show up to my softball games and I am not a good softball player. I can speak from experience.

To be a good player, you need to go above and beyond being there and take your game to the next level. You need to make minimal mistakes or fix the mistakes that are made. You make plays others cannot and do things others are not capable of doing.

So good fathers are ones that take fatherhood to the next level. We do things other men can't do. We make minimal mistakes and manage the mistakes we do make.

We use this analogy at my school (and I am sure others): our students need to be citizens not tourists. They need to be invested and committed to the classroom.

Likewise, fathers need to be citizens of our children's lives, not visiting tourists. We need to not just "be there" but be "part of there." Beyond buying stuff and showing up for big events, we need to be there for little things and provide a daily role model in the routine stuff as well as the big stuff or the financial stuff.

I don't measure my job as a dad based on the money I provide, the amount of time I spend with them or the amount of material goods I provide for my daughters. I measure it by that and the way I spend the time and the support I lend their mothers and the way I model my values for them. The love, compassion, emotion, discipline and routine we instill are critical elements of fatherhood that separate good fathers from fathers.

I'm not trying to blast all dads out there. I fully realize there are particular scenarios that make many of these elements difficult or impossible for fathers who sincerely mean to fulfill them. That doesn't make them bad fathers.

My point here is that we should set our bar for "Good Father" a bit higher than just showing up. We don't go out of our way to call mothers who just show up "Good Mothers." We take them for granted. We expect them to be there.

We should expect that as basic from our dads too.

Poser Christians and Radical Christians

I apologize ahead of time if I offend anyone with this post.

I cannot sit here and act like I am some sort of knowledgeable expert with Christianity. But I have been raised Christian and still consider myself Christian by default as I openly explore my personal spirituality. With 9 years of Catholic school and over 18 years of regularly attending church (often more than once a week), I feel like I have a legitimate amount experience to justify my opinion.

Many times I have openly questioned the Bible and Christianity. In my mind, I have felt like this has been part of my self-examination and personal exploration more than an attack on Christianity itself.

Where most of my frustration stems from is not so much the belief system, but many of the people that take part. There are two groups that annoy me the most. I call them Posers and Radical Bible Thumpers.

The Posers are like those fans that claim to be "die hard" or "true" when the team is winning and everybody loves them but are no where to be found when this team they claim to be fans of is losing or unpopular. They love to deck themselves out in the team's gear when everybody else is and they sport the jerseys of the most popular player like Grady Sizemore or LeBron James, but when the team stinks, all you hear is little dig after dig about how the team stinks, even if the team is just mediocre.

Some call them fair weather fans or bandwagon fans. I just call them annoying.

When this behavior is connected to the Church, I get just as annoyed. The Poser Christians love to loudly exclaim what they want to believe and throw the Bible out as their justification. They wear their Christianity on their sleeve and quickly slam people who critique it. Anyone who isn't Christian is wrong in their mind. They feel like everyone who questions the Church is hating the church.

But as they look down upon the rest of us, they never read the Bible themselves. They do not attend church. They definitely do not examine their beliefs and reflect on why they believe what they believe, which sometimes means challenging the traditional beliefs. They blindly follow what others tell them. Many times they refer to the Old Testament to support their outdated views while ignoring New Testament writings from Jesus (an important component of Christianity) that contradict the Old Testament.

The Radical Bible Thumpers do attend church regularly. They do read scriptures. They are devoted to their Christianity. So devoted that they go to the extreme. They may examine their beliefs but not in a critical manner. They take what they read and hear literally and are often, in my mind, misled. They are very rigid in their beliefs and refuse to see any other point of view or perspective, especially ones that counter what they want to believe. Like the posers they throw the Bible out as their shield.

Like radical Muslims, they are harmful. Their harm is more like the mental, emotional harm of a cult than the physical, violent harm of the stereotypical terrorism we are used to seeing and hearing about on television regarding the radical Muslims.

If you haven't read between the lines, I put a good bit of value on self-examination and reflection. I believe most Christians incorporate this practice in their worship. Prayer involves reflection and self-examination. It is an important component of Christianity. But many times prayer and reflection seem to be separated. These two groups lose sight of the importance of this intimate practice that truly connects you with God.

I do not believe practicing your religion is about following some rigid dogma as much as your relationship with your higher power. Questioning what your are told is part of this relationship. I believe it is an important and critical part of practicing your religion. By questioning and critiquing what is passed to you, you become part of this belief and you develop your own point of view. One that brings you closer to your higher power.

Whatever God you choose to believe in is much greater than anything we can fathom in our human experience. I highly doubt God concerns itself with whether you are following the rules set forth by the Pope or other religious leaders. It is more meaningful and practical for us to transcend this and use the different religions out there to seek the greater good.

Peter Rollins touches on this point of a God greater than our understanding in his book about the emerging Christianity entitled, "How (Not) To Speak of God:"

"If we fail to recognize that the term 'God' always falls short of that towards which the word is suppoed to point, we will end up bowing down before our own conceptual creations forged from the raw materials of our self-image, rather than bowing before the one who stands over and above that creation...'God rid me of God,' a prayer that acknowledges how the God we are in relationship with is bigger, better and different than our understanding of that God." (Rollins, "How (Not) to Speak of God" pg.19)

Fortunately, most Christians I know do this. It's the other two groups that Ia m skeptical about.

Honest Or Just Plain Rude?

I recently heard someone use this statement in response to someone objecting to something they said: "Well, if you don't like the answer then you shouldn't have asked the question!"

I have heard this statement several times in the past. It usually comes from loud mouths. More often than not, I hear people with little or no tact blurt out statements like this with a lack of concern of what other people think of them or their words.

First of all, if this guy knew what the answer was going to be, I don't think he would have asked it. The reason he asked was because he didn't know what the answer was in the first place. So how could he have stopped himself from asking it if he didn't know it would be something he didn't like?

It is a stupid statement. The lady came off as a rude, obnoxious blowhard in my opinion.

There is more to it than this though. I think the motivation behind statements like these is not always rudeness or disrespect. While I have not used this particular statement, I have used statements like it. I haven't intended on being rude most of the time, usually I have just tried to be frank and honest. So I imagine others who have said brash things like this had similar intentions. But sometimes efforts to be honest go too far.

Plus, I do not know what the whole context of that conversation was when that statement was said. For all I know the lady secretly felt bad that she received a disapproving reaction from the guy and tried to cover it with the shield of that statement. To her, it was his fault to react that way instead of her fault to answer his question that way.

But people like me put too much weight in what others think of us and what we say. Many times this is a bad thing because we lose sight of our needs and we don't protect our boundaries. We sacrifice too much for others when we don't need to.

But on the other side, there are people who have zero tact and lack consideration for others. It seems like more and more people fall in this category as the importance that was once put on manners and politeness is slowly disappearing. People take pride in their brash, no holds barred statements and attitude. It seems to be much more favorable to speak and act like this. But there is legitimate reason to be this way.

On one hand, we all should be polite and considerate towards others. But at the same time, we need to avoid going too far and compromising our own desires or intentions to be nice to someone else.

So where is that line between being honest with other people risking hurt feelings or feelings of disrespect and being rude and obnoxious showing little concern for another person's feelings?

I believe there is a way to assert you own interests and stand by what you want (within reason of course) without sounding rude or obnoxious. In fact there is a word for it. I used it earlier.

It is called tact.

Dictionary.com defines it as: "a keen sense of what is appropriate, tasteful, or aesthetically pleasing; taste; discrimination."

I recommend more people use it. Just because you say things in a particular way, with class, it doesn't mean you are being too nonconfrontational, passive or weak. It means you are standing your ground while showing class.

Tigger v. Eeyore

After witnessing another loss for my Cleveland Indians, I rode back to Columbus with a friend of mine and his friend. The conversation was pleasant and rather diverse. At one point my friend referenced Randy Pausch, a professor at Carnegie Mellon who became famous for his "Last Lecture." He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and took the opportunity before he died to write a book and speak to a number of audiences about fulfilling dreams.

My friend referenced him as part of our conversation about attitude and mood. He mentioned that Pausch often used analogies to describe his points. One analogy my friend brought up was whether somebody is a "Tigger" or "Eeyore." The Tiggers of the world are optimists and the Eeyores are pessimists. So what is your outlook on life?

When I arrived home, my wife and I found ourselves watching TLC and Micheal J. Fox's show discussing why optimists are optimists and pessimists are pessimists. He was searching to find out if there was a gene that made him optimistic. A "happy gene" is what he named it.

After reading "The Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield awhile back I have become more and more convinced that coincidences can have meaning if they don't have meaning already.

So since the meaning I am going to take from these two moments about outlook is going to be that I need to refocus my efforts to be more positive and optimistic, I am going to take a page out of the book of my wife and write another gratitude list. She believes it is good to tackle those moments in which you want to throw a pity party or when you feel like you are drowning in self-pity with gratitude lists.

I see so many people out there living lives much more difficult than mine. They demonstrate a strength I would not be able to maintain. I am very lucky and want to acknowledge it.

First, I am grateful my daughter's health has required me to do things I didn't think I would do. I question whether it has made me stronger or has exposed my weaknesses more often than not. But I know it has forced me to be more responsible than I was at any time prior to the discovery of her disorder. I do take pride in the way I have handled it overall despite minor mistakes along the way.

Secondly, I am grateful that I have handled my relationship with my oldest daughter's mother in a mature manner. It could have been easy to allow things to get ugly. But I promised myself (and my daughter even though she never understood) that I would truly keep my daughter's best interests first and ahead of mine. Instead of allowing my emotions to affect my decisions, I am grateful that I have stood by this goal significantly more often than not. I feel my daughter has been fortunate to grow up without her parents bickering or placing her in uncomfortable situations. I am grateful I have done this despite the fact that it has been difficult.

I am grateful I have managed to teach in an urban setting for 11 years. Burnout claims the best of us who teach in areas where the challenges greatly outnumber the perks. The stress is enormous and then people on the outside speak to you as though they know about our profession and belittle it. The same profession that drains every bit of energy and emotion from you is spoken about as though it is a cakewalk and we are weak for feeling the way we do. But I have managed to progress through more than a decade despite these seemingly insurmountable obstacles. My life span has probably decreased 11 years in the process but I can be proud of the mental and emotion strength and heart I must have to continue.

I am grateful I have a second child in this world. I dealt with a good bit of disappointment along the road to her birth. Everyday I wake up and go to bed worried that something will go wrong with her. I am grateful that I sit here writing this knowing the first two months have been very good. She is a beautiful blessing to behold.

I am grateful that I have a loving and supportive family that takes many of my shortcomings in stride. I am grateful that my father never allows my immaturity to ruin our relationship. Sometimes I treat him like a punching bag but he continues to show his own inner fortitude as he comes back for more every time.

I am grateful I have a job with a consistent paycheck and a house to live in. I have a computer with internet so I can play on Facebook, in my fantasy leagues or blog. I can afford to play in several softball leagues and meet with friends to watch games. I am grateful that someday I will be able to sell this house but right now I don't have to sell it. I am grateful that while I still have a good bit of debt in front of me, it is getting paid off.

There.

I took some major stresses in my life and instead of wallowing beneath them with my sorrow and self-pity, I spun them to positives.

The wife would be proud. Maybe I can be a Tigger this time.

Gay Marriage

There are so many things on our President's plate right now that the issue of Gay Marriage seems to be taking a backseat to it all. But this is one issue that can be settled fairly and in a relatively quick manner if people would just take their emotion and personal preference out and objectively settle it.

Here is how it can be done:

First, take a second to remind ourselves that this country was built partially on the idea of separation of church and state. Therefore, any references to homosexuality in the Bible are irrelevant. Government should take their hands out of the church's decision to allow or not allow gay marriage. Do not impose any restrictions on the church nor require the church to make any particular decision other than what they see fit according to their doctrines.

So for instance, if a Christian denomination decides they will not recognize gay marriages, fine. If another decides they will and they are within the rules set forth by their particular denomination, fine. The government should have zero say in that matter. Then the members of those churches can decide for themselves if they choose to continue to participate in that church or not.

Then, the government can stick to the civil union component of gay unions as opposed to marriages. Whether one thinks homosexuality is "sick" and "disgusting" or "loving" and "beautiful" is once again irrelevant. In terms of government decisions, we need to think clearly, objectively and fairly and for what is best for the people of the country as a whole.

By allowing rights for committed, gay couples that are currently reserved for heterosexual, married couples, these couples can take care of one another in the loving manner they deserve as much as the rest of us. They will be able to insure one another, support each other when sick or in the hospital, legally assist one another and more. None of these rights would be taken from those of us that already have them.

After this has been done, the issue and debate will soon go away. We will quickly see how little things have changed. Straight couples will still divorce 50% of the time. Our kids will still want to have sex with the opposite sex as much as before. Teenage prenancies and STDs will still be an issue to deal with. It will still be just as easy to get married even if you are drunk and in Vegas. Marriages will still take place at churches. Parents will still be expected to dish out thousands of dollars on a one day ceremony. The wedding industry will not lose any money.

Before you know it, conservatives and liberals will be screaming at each other about something else just as ridiculously easy to solve objectively.

This isn't abortion people. It isn't a complicated issue where nobody wins. This is two people in a relationship. My failed marriage had everything to do with my relationship with my ex and nothing to do with the multiple gay couples I know. My successful current marriage has nothing to with the numerous straight couples we know and everything to do with the hard work we put into this marriage everyday to make it so.

But it won't happen. Hate mongering sensationalists on the right will throw a fit if anything happens in this direction. They will stand behind the Bible while ignoring the fact that they preach and scream power and greed which are condemned infinitely more times than homosexuality by the very book they stand behind as validation.

Just let the church take care of the hate, and the government can at least try to find an objective, middle ground.

Then I am willing to bet it will all go away in due time.