Angry Meditation, Track Record and The Kid

I question if there are more than two maybe three people that read this blog regularly and one of them is my mother.  Not that she doesn't count, but c'mon.  Mom's are supposed to be your biggest fan.  Good ones anyway and since mine is one of the good ones, there ya go.

But among those two or three readers, you'll notice that this post will mirror my blog as a whole.  It really isn't one "thing" or subject, but more of a series of random thoughts or subjects taking up space in my head.

It truly is a public "diary of lost in between."  

I have three thoughts or reflections to share with you and I hope the three of you find it interesting.  Please show me some attention and respond with your thoughts or feelings or personal takes on them even if you disagree.

Angry Mediation

This summer, I was a mental headcase.  If I wasn't moving on form it, I would still be searching for reasons why.  I struggled to find peace and I felt miserable.  Without a particular reason or event to point to and say, "That.  That is why I feel like crap," I fell deeper in a confused, angry state and even felt hopeless and helpless.

Very dramatic, I know.  I'm trying to paint a picture here so go with me.

One strategy I tried to help was meditation.  I would find time to be alone and work on separating myself from everything.  I was trying t release the anger.

There was success.  But it was temporary.

It was very difficult though to keep the anger out.  From what I understand, when it comes to meditation, it isn't something you work at.  It just happens.  

I could be wrong.  

I know it didn't feel right most of the time.  The anger consumed me.  I was immersed in it,

The success came once I found music.  I came across a song I would listen to in college.  No words.  It was a long 8 minutes or so but it was an effective tool to take me to a positive place.  The sound, rhythm, beat and so on was soothing,

So I used this song intentionally.  I focused on positive visions like swings at a park. 

I may have shared this already, but I love swings.  Always have.  My kids love swings.  The steady back and forth provide a rhythm and peace.  I then go to the top of a roller coaster at Cedar Point.  Another place that holds plenty of positive memories and vibes for me.

The whole time this song plays.

I share this because I think I may have left that angry place I was this summer.  Again, no known reason why.  I'm working on it.  But I haven't figured out the origin of any of this.  I may not figure it out.

But the song returned tonight.  As I ran, the playlist shuffle came across the song.  Running has served as a stress relief, spiritual experience and more so it was a perfect time to get back on the swing and the top of the first hill on the Millennium or Magnum at Cedar Point.

But this time I didn't need to force out feelings.  This time I could let the feelings be.

Track Record

As mentioned above, I was not in a great place this summer in the head.  When this happens, I slip into a pathetic pattern of self-pity.  My wife is good at setting me straight, often to my dismay (sometimes you need to vent and cleanse the pity, I swear you do).

Again, a behavior I am working on.  But the work I have decided to do, since I keep claiming to be a "realist" and one who doesn't ignore the negative if it is there, is look back on my life and find true instances where I have proven my worth.

In this case, I was reflecting on my track record of improvement.  So in an exercise to focus on these positive, anti-pity thoughts, I'll share with my three readers and maybe hear some of your examples.

This is my second time around as a husband.  I wasn't a good one the first time.  Obviously.  I have proven that I can be a better husband.  Trust me.  We've had a bunch thrown at us and here we stand.

I'm a better Dad.  Full disclosure.  I have some issues that still need major improvement.  My patience is embarrassing.  I need to give more attention.  I'm not the strictest disciplinarian and I don't instill a nutritious enough value in their diets. I'm often lazy.

Wait.  This was supposed to be positive.  That quickly spiraled into another pity party. 

I have plenty of things to work on which excites me.  Another post for the future! "How I became a better Dad...Again."

I'm better than I once was at parenting.

When I played baseball back in high school, I couldn't make contact with the ball let alone get a hit. I went to the batting cages in Euclid every night.  EVERY.  NIGHT.

The second half of the year I hit .600.  Of course, the first half was so bad, my season ending average was only .291 if I remember right, which sucks in city league baseball.

Improvement.

Back in college my roommate and I played a good bit of tennis.  He destroyed me every time.  To this day I have yet to beat him.  In fact I am not sure I have even won a game let alone a set. Or a match.  

Side Note:  Same roommate beat me in racquetball AS I TAUGHT HIM HOW TO PLAY with a class under my belt!!!!!!

Improvement? Later my brother and his roommate, a friend from back home, played doubles with us and my serve was killer.  I was clearly way better than the days I played with my brother growing up.

Improvement.

I was always an average to below average straight ball bowler. Maybe a 120 pin average.  Maybe. After several years of league bowling?  160 average and a number of 200+ games.

Improvement.  In fact, measurable improvement: 40 pins. 30% increase.

Soccer All Star after years of playing.

Improvement.

When I entered teaching, I could barely keep a class of middle schoolers in their seats.  Now I can hush a lunchroom full of students to silence with a tap of the microphone.

Improvement.

My students' test scores when I entered teacher were sub 20%. When I left that school they were in the 60%s.

Improvement.

Now 70%-80% are passing and most of them barely speak English.

Improvement.

Just last spring I huffed and puffed through my first 5k.  Jumped for joy that I just finished without stopping.  This year every race was under 30 minutes and one was 27:05.

Improvement.

I'm currently improving as we speak as I grow closer and closer to that half-marathon.

Improvement.

I went years, maybe a decade without reading a book.  Several years ago, I made a New Year's resolution to read and write more. This blog was born and I have lost count of the books I read since. I even started a Facebook group for fellow readers to share my reading.

Improvement.

Proof there is no reason I can't improve that mental black hole that was this summer.  Or improve anything for that matter.

The Kid

I mentioned not long ago that I set a goal to increase the positive experiences with my daughter.  I felt there were too many negative moments.  Negative in that I had to discipline or respond to negative behavior.  Not anything major or scary, but a run of normal parenting moments that aren't fun for either parent or child.  It was just a long stretch and it was bothering me.

Success.  What a great week.  The positive has snowballed and I see her responding and legitimately altering her behavior independently from what she wants to do to what she should do.  I'm proud of her.

Now I am trying to do the same with my other child who I also feel has received too much negative Daddy interaction and not enough happy Daddy experience.  Again, nothing scary or major.  Normal toddler stuff.  But too much intervention.  I hope to repeat the success I found with my oldest.

Good night, readers.  Would love to hear from you, particularly regarding your meditation or prayer practices.

Looking Through The Mirror

Without a doubt, I cherish my years in the 90s at The Ohio State University.

In and of themselves, those years were the most free, fun and developmental years of my life.  Much of who I am today is based on those years.  Many of my dearest friends come that period of my life.

Now, I am two decades removed from the beginning of that period of life and I often miss it dearly.  When I try to relive those times, I quickly realize that I am not even close to the same person I was then.

This is both good and bad.

On one hand, I can't behave that way anymore.  First, I just can't pull it off.  Second, I don't want to because the consequences are far too painful. This body just ain't the same it once was.  Third, I have WAY too many responsibilities and little people counting on me to act that way right now.

On the other hand, I am so much more wise.  I know when to slow down, speed up, keep my mouth shut, or say something and what to say.  I know my limits.  I know what I know and what I don't.

I am a different person.

While I miss who I was and what I did and long to be able to repeat that lifestyle, I am happy where I am now and it is vastly different.

So tonight I visit campus and I enjoy an amazing show at a venue that holds numerous memories, mostly positive, overwhelmingly positive. I get a slice of pizza and grab a beer.  I feel many of those same feelings I felt 20 years ago but through  much different lens.

I realize I am very lucky.

I can appreciate those times for what they were.  I can appreciate having grown out of them.

The Battle For Humility

I had a conversation with my wife awhile back in which she said she needs to stay humble.  If not, she will begin to think she has control and that is when things get bad.

More recently I had a similar conversation with a dear friend of mine.

Both have made dramatic adjustments, one can say improvements, in their lives and I believe this way of thinking relates to these positive changes and their efforts to maintain their current, much better state of mind.

This summer I watched a documentary on a Philadelphia high school football team that had a rival school merge with them causing a heavy dose of challenges for everyone involved.  Throughout the documentary I heard the coaches talk about staying humble.

Finally, many religious friends of mine often speak of humility and the importance of knowing their God is in control they are not.

It is enough to make a man, at least this man, start to reflect and examine humility.

I have two driving questions that have stuck with me as I have thought about it the past several months. First, why?  Why is humility so important?  If you know me, you are ready for the upcoming, predictable disclaimer:  I am not asking to challenge these people or hide some counter agenda, I'm asking because I want to examine and analyze why.

Secondly, more personally, how does practicing humility work with someone like me who struggles with self-esteem and needs to manufacture confidence, sometimes exaggerating to "fake it 'til I make it?"

So why is humility important?

The first thought that came to me is how annoying an egotistical know-it-all can be and how that often makes them a target.  At least for me, I have always been afraid of being perceived as such because I didn't want the target or the opposition. I also wanted (want) people to like me or respect me so this people pleasing flaw didn't mesh with making enemies or bothering people.

This seems way to shallow.  There has to be a better, more thorough reasoning behind the importance of humility.

I read so much about the problem of the "ego" which is the opposite of humility. This could be a better starting point.  The ego is our perception of ourselves.  As a result, we judge everything, maybe without even realizing it, as good or bad, favorable or unfavorable and this feeds the ego.

As we get caught up in this whirlwind of feeling good or bad, we naturally want more good.  So our actions now become more and more dependent on obtaining this good or avoiding the bad.

Soon, we feel in control.  Now I have come full circle to my wife's point.

I think.

As we feel in control, we lose touch with the reality that this control is fake, a facade. It is only our perception, not the truth.

The more we care about this perception or illusion, the easier it is to succumb to our demons.  What we need to do is work towards an idea that is less I and you or them and more us. The goal is to become more connected with humanity, your God, nature, the universe, take your pick.

Lose the the judgments both good and bad about everything.

Remember, this is my uneducated, unprofessional opinion which hopefully will lead to responses.

Finally, how does all of this relate to someone like me who needs to demonstrate more confidence? Who needs to quit beating himself up repeatedly and agonizing over every mistake?

I may have answered it already.

Writing this post has brought to mind how it isn't a matter of good and bad, right and wrong. Humility, my need to feel better about myself needs to be able detaching from all those judgments and attaching or connecting to everyone and everything in a more neutral manner.

The context of humility may look different to different people.  You may give your problems to God.  You may let go of your challenges.  You may focus on the now and only the now as it is, not good, not bad, just now.

Whatever.  The end is the same.  Suspend judgments. Let it be.

Miserable Happiness

The title got ya, didn't it?

"I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains."
                 ---Garbage "Only Happy When it Rains"

I mostly include those lyrics simply because it is an excuse to proclaim my celebrity crush on Shirley Manson. I loved their first two albums, I'd be lying if I claimed otherwise regardless of how bad their pop 90s punk may have been. Technically, I hate it when it rains.  It depresses me. So there's that.

As I wrote in a previous post, I hate that I am seen as negative, an Eeyore clone or a buzz kill.  I wish I wasn't that way and I am working on it.

But there is truth to it. I'm reminded of it repeatedly this summer.

My sister and I have (and some other friends on Facebook) taken part in an exercise in which we post things that make us happy for 100 straight days.  I think I may be past the 100 days or I may be coming close, but it has become a good habit that I plan to continue regardless of the number.

This exercise forces me out of my old habit of seeking what is wrong as if listing all the bad gives me some kind of control over it.

But these old habits don't die easily.  This one has been formed over 30 years of hard work.  I can't expect it to change in just over 3 months!

In addition, I have worked very hard to change the way I think and talk with varying results, some success, lots of failure. I have meditated.  I have confided in trusted friends and family.  I have even sought professional help and support.  I have purposely exercised more and used this exercise to sort through thoughts.  I was reading as well until the weather warmed and I found myself preferring to be more active. I'm trying to slowly crowd out the bad with good.

But it has been extremely difficult and revealed some sobering realizations, epiphanies, if you will.

One such eye opening revelation came in a conversation with my sister who said she wakes up every day happy.  It is natural for her.  She really doesn't need the exercise like I do, but continues to finish what she started I assume.

Wakes up happy?  Naturally?

What the....?

Like a slap in the face, this hurt.

I always felt and thought and claimed that beneath my shield of pessimism that protects me from let downs and disappointments (but really doesn't), I was really an optimist and very happy.

The simple statement from my sister struck me.  It was clear to me that I am not like that.  I never wake up happy.

I work at it.  I work really hard.

The thing is, I shouldn't have to work.  I am reminded by myself as well as countless others of how blessed I am and how lucky I am and grateful I should be.

I am grateful.  I write gratitude lists, I think gratitude lists frequently.  My meditations often are purposeful thoughts of these things because they make me happy.

So why aren't I just happy?

My high school yearbook from my senior year had a box with a list of several students including me and one word to describe us.

My word?

Happy.

Wait.  What?  How the?

I swear to you that this is true.  I would cite the page number if I wasn't too lazy to go dig through my crawl space in my basement to find the box with my yearbook in it.  You will have to trust me on this.  I really have no benefit in making this up.

So basically I am a fraud. I've been living a lie to myself.

This brings me to where I am today.  What makes me truly happy without effort, like my sister?

I have confided in a close friend I hold in high regard.  We have been corresponding and actually helping each other out.  It is a true definition of support system.  I expressed how music has found its way into my meditations this week and how much it has helped.  I am not sure that is how it is supposed to work.  But he understood.  Music is magical he wrote.  He has found similar value, but his own value, in it.

I don't have to put forth effort with the right music. It takes me to a place I want to be on its own.  I think about my children, sunny days, baseball games, floating in a pool on a hot day, lying in the snow listening to the silence of winter and letting the cold take over, blank feelings like excitement, satisfaction, coolness, warmth and so on.

But in the end, I think the effort I am putting forth may be defeating the purpose.  As I continue, I seek how I can truly, for real, let go and allow the happy to come to the surface.  Stop thinking so much.

Until then, I will probably keep finding misery in this happiness.

Where Should Sports Fall In Our Brain Space Of Interest?

Let's pretend we have a finite amount of space in our heads for interests and concerns and attention.  We can only fit so much and address it all effectively. When we gain a new interest, we need to make room somehow.  In order to handle it all, we need to prioritize things and compartmentalize them.  Where do sports and where should sports fit in all of this?

This is an attempt on my part to reflect on this using the recent sports news as a model. This isn't award worthy writing, mine never is though.  Think of this as more stream of consciousness.

I am a Cleveland Cavaliers fan.

The good news this past Friday that LeBron James, arguable the best player in the NBA right now, will return home to play for my Cavs has stirred a hurricane of emotion for me and I imagine many of my fellow fans who look beyond the simple reaction of renewed relevance and winning for our team.

Obviously, I am thrilled at the prospects of my team winning a title.  But I am struggling with the conflicting feelings of resolving my animosity towards LeBron James for leaving the first time.  My stubborn tendencies create an inner turmoil I can't seem to shake.

Most of my friends have quickly forgotten their bitterness, some were not as bitter as I was and more accepting. But I was pissed.

How do I come out of this looking anything other than a contradicting fool?

Honestly, I don't even care. It is sports.  Not real life.  Just recreation and entertainment.  My obsession with sports is often belittled using this point, so why not use it in my favor as well?

Fan is short for fanatical and this is an arena where I have always figured it was safe to use my emotion as my reasoning instead of logic, facts or anything that would be wise to use in decision making because after all, it is just sports, not something important.

I'll save calm, balanced, thought out reasoning and rationality for my job, parenting, relationships and driving.

But this also provides an opportunity to examine where sports falls in my life.

The week leading up to LeBron's announcement, I was obsessed with it.  My interest in it was unhealthy.  I can admit this. We just spent a week feeding this ego-maniacal athlete while countless problems were littering the news.  

What is wrong with our (my) priorities?

Like I said, I often hear, "Huey, it's just sports."

Or, "Sports aren't really important."

But I am not willing to admit that my interest in sports or an interest in sports is negative.  

While there are people making billions of dollars off us and I do not like it as they raise costs for me and my family to enjoy the entertainment they sell, I stand by my claim that sports is a legitimate and important aspect of our lifestyle.

It is an avenue to bring people together and create bonds.

This can be between people who normally would not have anything in common with each other.  Maybe people who normally disagree and cannot see eye to eye and find themselves building animosity among each other, find this connection through sports and are able to coexist.  Suddenly, sports aren't so superficial.

It happens.  I see it.

Through games, there is a structure that brings people together.  We gather to watch games, break bread and drink.  We share excitement, anticipation, anxiety, exhilaration, agony, happiness, satisfaction, anger and loss....together.  

That instinctive need to be part of a group is satisfied as we join others supporting our city, university, country, team.  In the end, unlike war, nobody dies.  We play again.

Usually.

On the other hand, sports also open up opportunities for hatred and animosity.  In my case, my behavior towards LeBron James after he left my Cleveland Cavaliers.  My behavior towards fans from TTUN back in the 90s.  All of this is tame in comparison to many things you read in the news.

With that said, these instances are more rare and common.  The brotherhood that exists even between bitter rivals is often positive and not heard about.  

Mostly though, sports create bonds that last a lifetime and bring us closer to those we love.  Some won't understand.  But many of us do. Our relationships don't have to be limited to sports, but they can be enhanced.  

I have countless fond memories with my mom and dad, brother and sister related to sports. It could be going to games, playing in games or front yard pick up games.

This is all well and good to show the importance of sports, but where does it fall in my/our priorities and is that ok?

Is this judgement objective or based in our personal preferences?

Where I may appreciate the warm, heartfelt, Field of Dreams type moment playing catch with my father, brother or kids, someone else may get nothing from it.

Does this mean there is no value in it?  Does this mean the person not finding value in a game of catch is missing out on something they should appreciate?

There answer is the same for both in my opinion.

No.

I think we find ourselves coming back the same place we usually find ourselves when asking whether some behavior, action, belief, practice and so on have gone too far.  "There is little wrong with (fill in the blank) in itself, but in moderation."

It feels like the sports industry has grown out of control.  We pay top dollar for tickets and watch television stations that have sponsors that make these owners billionaires and players millionaires several times over.

Meanwhile schools are failing before our very eyes and people want to reform them by any method other than spending money on them.  Infrastructure is falling apart all around us. There are homeless and jobless, gangs ruling city neighborhoods, addicts in need of assistance and a flourishing drug trade.

We could go on.

Why are sports burning a hole in our pocket while these other problems are not? Isn't this a bad sign for our future?

Shouldn't police officers, firefighters and teachers, social workers and mental health workers more deserving of the money and resources?  I am not saying this because I am a teacher, but asking as an honest question.

How can I justify in my head, my daily obsession with sports and allowing it to dominate such a large part of my life with so much around, my career in particular, needing my attention?

Cities or countries spend billions of dollars loosely to build infrastructure and stadiums to host Olympic games or the World Cup and then leave these buildings vacant.  How wasteful is that?

All because of our love for sports.

This is really depressing.  Which only fuels my drive to drown myself in NBA free agency and meaningless games and trophies and rings and bullet points for my next debate on why my team is better than yours.  At least I know losing those debates mean nothing. 

I'm Back, I Have Some Things On My Mind

"Last time we met was a low lit room,
We were as close together as a bride and groom,
We ate the food, we drank the wine,
Everyone having a good time,
Except you,
You were talking about the end of the world,"
                --U2 "Until the End of the World" from Achtung Baby

The "you" Bono was singing about could be me.

Many people feel as though it is.  Not necessarily because of my obsession with the afterlife or lack thereof, but my "poor me" attitude and habit of seeking out the worst possible outcome. Then dwelling on it.

I hate that.

That's not the person I want to be.

I am trying to change, but you can't change who you are wired to be or who you have become over decades of experiences and countless thoughts overnight.

So, with credit to my sister, I discovered this movement, if you will, called 100happydays.  Simply put, I find something to be happy about everyday, picture it and post it publicly. (I used picture as a verb, I know)

My objective is to make it a purpose to seek the good instead of the bad.  Like a best friend, Chris recommended, "slowly increase the good until you crowd out the bad."

I am over 70 days in and I have made a number of observations.

It isn't as easy as it sounds, but it isn't that difficult.  It becomes habit. I am not looking forward to when it ends on Day 100 sat all which I think is good.

The structure of it helps people like me.  I can't just go and do it.  I need to quantify it and make it a task driven routine.  I need to keep count and I need to put it on my daily "to do" list.

I have realized some seriously important things.  My kids mean the world to me.  I already knew this and could have told you this, but noticing that they make up 90% of what makes my days happy proves it out and smacks me in the face.  It also serves as a much needed reminder as I go experience the negative and very real aspects of fatherhood that suck.  Particularly, demonic possession of my son. Or the overwhelming feelings I get from lack of sleep, crying kids that never seem to stop, uncooperative massacres of bedtime and so on.

I can't help but dwell on how much I hate these moments but this practice forces me not too.

I often hear how we need to train our brains.  Many times self-talk can do this.  Recognizing when we start to repeat unwanted thought patterns and purposely changing them making ourselves think the right thoughts. I notice that outwardly some people have noticed a change but I am not feeling it inwardly.

"Patience you must have my young Padawon." --Yoda

My goal continues to be that I will *think* better at some point too.

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I suppose I am due to rant about the state of education in our state and country.  I am more and more  bothered by the politicians and their inability to understand the complexity of education and the damage the emphasis on testing has caused, not helped.

More and more, policy is invading my classroom and having a negative impact.

People on the outside that want what is best are confused.  They hear one thing from teachers, another from the pundits and politicians and money, and partisan politics get involved and muddy the water even more.

Parents want their kids to be safe and learn at school.  Employers want a capable workforce.  Believe it or not teachers want to help develop critically thinking, independent learners eager to work hard.

But I find more and more people looking at teachers as an enemy instead of a teammate because they are drowning in sensationalist news patterns.

I'll just leave it at this, the day teachers and parents truly look at each other as teammates and the children are truly held accountable at home and school, understanding the teacher and parent are a unified team and their education is a valued part of their life, things will get better with or without standardized tests or ........ I won't go there.

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I like how my father approaches things. I want to use him as a model.  It isn't too complicated either.

First, he really tries to do the right thing and he goes out of his way to do so and leaves it at that.

Second, he uses backs of envelopes or index cards to make lists and record thoughts or ideas keeping things organized in our constantly thinking heads.

Third, his religion is simple.  He has a place he goes where he feels God or his higher power or the universe. He reflects with it.  He believes it exists because he feels it.  That's it.  Nothing more, nothing less.  He doesn't care about anything else.  He feels refreshed, filled and not alone just by those walks to his place of solitude and serenity.  I can't get with that.

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This 2014 World Cup is amazing.  Having the U.S. advancing out of the "Group of Death" has only ignited the interest more.  It has taken the feel of the NCAA college basketball tournament in March.  We have had that wonderful feeling of being able to watch all these other games, and there have been some thrillers, with the joy of knowing our team is alive.

That is my favorite part of March Madness. I get bonus time this summer enjoying it with soccer!

This is not long after enjoying a thrilling playoff series for my Columbus Blue Jackets in hockey.

Suddenly, I have two sports that are relatively new to me to dive into and learn.  It has taken me back to grade school when the NBA, NFL and MLB were new to me.  Back before the layers of heartbreak and bitterness and disenchanted feelings piled up on each other.

I am still naive to the negatives of the two sports and I am aware they exist.  But right now, I am a wide eyed freshmen genuinely cheering for my country and team and loving all the new rules, terms and strategies and learning why they do what they do and appreciating the beauty of a slap shot, one timer, header, set play, penalty kick or save.

It is refreshing and it is a trip back to a fun time in my life discovering sports that are now common place for me.

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This summer marks a decade since my life was turned upside down.  It was the end of a two year stint of pain and series of negative experiences that shaped me drastically.

I began my time as a single father divorcing my wife at the time.  I was in the process of doing a lot of growing up and had a ton of growing up ahead of me.

I'm proud of where I have come.  Things didn't get easy, but they got better.

Right now I am struggling with these bad feelings that something will go wrong.  I have no idea what and my suspicions are tricky to navigate.  I do not know where these premonitions are coming from but when I have had them in the past, they have come true in one form or another.

Needless to say, I'm dealing with a good bit of anxiety about all of this.

But looking back, I need to remind myself of the Summer of '04 and how fondly I remember how I successfully handled that time of transition.  I did it then.  I even handled more difficulty later with the losses of loved ones and more health scares, damage to the house, theft, selling an unsellable house in a bad market and the burdens that come with parenthood.

If I did it then, I can do it again with whatever happens. The hard part is convincing myself of this.

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Teacher's Appreciation

This is Teacher Appreciation Week.

I am a teacher.

This doesn't mean I can't appreciate my teachers as well.  So I would like to take a moment to appreciate several teachers of mine over the years.  These are people who have influenced me and played large roles in molding who I am today as a teacher and adult.

The first teacher I would like to acknowledge is my 6th grade teacher, Mrs. Kriesen. I have written about her before. I model much of what I do after her style.  She made that year one of the most enjoyable.  It wasn't because she made the work easy. It wasn't because her lessons were particularly hands-on or interactive by today's standards.  This was a Catholic school and the lesson format was pretty traditional or old school.  Plenty of worksheets and textbooks and workbooks filled our lessons. I do not recall that she deviated much from that format.

But she made the days so enjoyable despite all of that boring skill and drill work. She had a hilarious sense of humor and often used it.  She was always joking and making us laugh or smile.  She was very energetic about everything she did.  She said a number of things that I still think about today.

First, she said to, "go with your gut.  Your first guess is right 90% of the time."  I doubt that is entirely true, but I have remembered it to this day.

Second, she accurately predicted, "middle school will be a nightmare.  High school will be where you find yourself and enjoy yourself most."  I wouldn't say I "found" myself in high school, but it was immeasurably better than middle school.

She made me write with detail and incorporate figurative language. She made my description of Friday night pizza and Pepsi that was a family tradition at that time feel like Pulitzer Prize material.

She strategically sat me next to a talkative girl to get me to talk more and open up.  What teacher tries to get her students to talk MORE? She saw off curriculum growth for me and tried to make that happen.

Much of my teaching style today comes from that year learning from her. My goal has been and still is to make my students feel the way about their time with me as I do about my time with her.

The next teacher I would like to show my appreciation for is Mrs. Simmelink. She was my 10th grade English teacher.  She was mean and nasty,  She was the opposite of Mrs. Kriesen.  She pointed out my quiet demeanor and used it against me.  She would call on me trying to prove I wasn't listening or didn't do the reading.  I have vivid memories of a particular class discussion regarding To Kill A Mockingbird.  It was after Christmas break and I had just returned from a visit to my grandmother's house in Alabama.  She was a college English professor.  She was well versed in TKAM.  There was some connection with the author or something I have already forgot.  Anyway, I was well prepared for anything and everything thrown at me about that book.

She peppered me with piercing questions and every one I exceeded expectations.  Soon, this fueled my fire. I was intoxicated with this give and take.  I think she knew it the whole time.  As far as I was concerned, no one else was in that room other than her.  She was my enemy.  I would defeat her.

She had me right where she wanted me.

I have a story about her that I use every year with my students when we write personal narratives.

The one I wrote for her blew her away.  It was about my cousin and brother and I and a funny bit of confusion. It was both the funniest ad scariest moment of my life.  Or at least funny and scary enough to write about.  In it, I made my brother out as a not-so-complimentary character.

Two years later she had my brother for 10th grade English.  Apparently his story did not meet her standards.  He was the opposite of me in class that year.  So she made him march down to my class and grab my portfolio to read my story as an example of what he should be writing.

Well, that didn't go over well after he read how I described him in that story. So he proceeded to write his take on the same experience embellishing everything to make him out as a strong, superior character to me.  It was hilarious.

This woman really knew what buttons to press.  She was a sorceress of education.

At the end of the year I had two A's, two B's.  An A on an exam and a B on an exam.  That usually would lead to a final grade of a B.  But she gave me an A hoping it would go through.  She pulled me aside later and asked if it did.  I said yes.  I still can see that sly smile on her face and the look of content.

She knew it all along.

She is the reason I think I would have thrived under a Bobby Knight, old school sort of coach. For some reason, I respond to that hell and brimstone approach.

I have to add two other educators that have strongly influenced me.  My boss, or principal at my first elementary school of employment, Mrs. Gant.  I taught for her at an urban school where our scores were never anything to write home about although we showed steady growth during her time there.

But I know better than to measure a school's success on test scores.  I believed in her more than anyone else I have worked for in education.  Although my current boss may be right there with her.  We shall see.  I felt if there was a prototype for what an urban principal should be, it was her.

Her vision and dedication were top shelf.  I learned so much from her that I can't list it all.  Her focus helped me focus. I learned how to prioritize and always ask myself, "how is this improving student achievement?" Her range of influence is much greater than that one simple statement, but that was the umbrella everything else fell under.

Finally, another educator I have written about before, Ms. Yetts.  My partner at my old school, she and I had a synergy that drove me to be better every year.  She was simply amazing how she related to the kids and always thought of new ways to improve our weaknesses and get better.  We were able to be honest and open and that made us better every day and every new school year.

There are countless other educators in my life. I could go on about my parents, my wife and on and on. I am developing relationships currently with fellow educators that have taught me a great deal.  These people are just four.  I greatly appreciate what they have offered and provided for me, making me the teacher I am today and that I hope students will write blog posts about in the future.

Teaching Teams

I had an observer in my room the other day who has had me thinking ever since.  I welcome visitors in my room and don't shy away from asking their opinion.

So I did.

She commented on how much she liked the way public schools use teams or cooperative learning so seamlessly.  She had observed other classrooms before visiting mine and saw that it was a trend, not a unique characteristic of my particular room.  I know one of the other teachers she observed at another school and I know she is the best of the best math teachers I have ever worked with and have patterned much of what I do after her. I think of her as my model or teacher I hope to be some day.

I'm a big believer of teaching in teams.  I don't follow the desk in rows set up unless there is some need to implement a change in management for discipline reasons or whatever and even then, it is always temporary and still incorporating some cooperative learning strategies.

Teaching in teams is part of the fabric of my classroom.  It is used throughout the day for everything.  I have done this since day one of year one of teaching and I am very confident in its effectiveness and comfortable in using it.  I believe to use it effectively, it needs to be consistent and it needs to become natural like breathing.

My objective is to create a learning experience that hits numerous senses and hits the brain numerous times.  The students hear the content, see the content, speak the content, write the content, show the content while thinking about the content each of those times.

They learn how to interact and develop their own strategies for interacting in a way most comfortable to them and most effective as they make mistakes, find successes, deal with uncooperative teammates, cooperative teammates, present to a larger group, figure out how to make their voice heard and so on.

I had a conversation with my brother a long time ago when I first started teaching. He is a brilliant accountant that works harder than anyone I know and has worked all over the world.  I trust his opinion. So I asked him what skills he believes are important for me to instill in my students.  Stuff I can foster in elementary school.

He said to teach them how to work with people in a group.  He said it has to go deeper than just "getting along," even though that is critical and there are some kids that do need to overcome that hurdle first.  He said that he works with people all the time and needs to be able to make his voice heard and listen to other views and be able to synthesize and apply the ideas and knowledge from multiple perspectives.

So how do I do this?

I figured that they have to learn by doing it and doing it often.  Every personality is different and we all have different strengths and weaknesses in terms of our interpersonal skills.  So I can't really tell them how to do it.  I can't lecture it to them. I can only show them so much as well.  They need to get dirty and do it and work through the awkwardness of it.

It is important to understand I do not mean "group work" or "group projects." It is too easy for students to just rely on one student to do all the work.  What I mean is that students sit at a table together and I create discussion.  They "do" activities together.  But the assignments are often done on their own, individually. For me, the critical component is the talking that has to happen. I try to sit with groups and guide discussion. I try to include as many open ended questions as possible that can have multiple answers.

Having students for two years these last years at my new school has helped tremendously as I have seen growth in this area.  It is something that is hard to quantify and put on a report card or measure. I've noticed it is easier to see the fruits in year two.

I take pride in how I use this strategy.  I see so many good teachers around me and think, "Man, I don't that as well.  I stink at that.  This teacher is awesome.  I really need to work on that or this."

Then I have moments where I can talk to outsiders that may not necessarily compliment but share an observation that hits on a technique I try real hard to do well.  I realize, "Maybe it isn't so bad in Mr. H's room after all."

39 Thanks

Today I turn 39 and thought I would list 39 things I am grateful to have or have done or have had in my life to this point.  It is a take from the daily gratitudes of November except this has a longer range.  I tried to make those points of gratitude apply to the present each day, this time around I am living totally in the past.

So let's get it started:

1. My parents who have been positive role models and who have instilled an importance of open mindedness and acceptance, compassion and caring.

2. My siblings who have been fun to hang out with and supportive in times of need.

3.  The woods behind my house that provided endless hours of fun growing up playing war, building forts, tiltalling, first kiss and countless other memories.

4. High school was fun.  Middle school sucked, but high school was a great three years I would do all over again if I could.

5. So many friendships over the years that I still cherish.  It can be difficult having a diverse set of friends because you have to be able to see past things you disagree about and be able to find a way to accept each other's shortcomings but somehow I have been able to gain and maintain a number of friendships to varying degrees for a long time now and I appreciate the good fortune that they were able to accept me.

6. Torrey's Field up the street was a place we played football, baseball, soccer and God knows what else year round without knowing who it truly belonged to.  It was a host to countless games and a parade of people we would bring through.

7. Later in my childhood someone built a house in Torrey's field and we started playing football after school over at Chillicothe park.  There were evenings we would have so many people that we had four full games going at once.  It was so fun that 20 years later at my high school reunion, one friend brought it up and how much he loved playing.  He showed me a scar he swore was from a time I tackled him.  He was and is 2 times bigger than me.  Those were my glory days. 

8. I didn't have many girlfriends, I was very awkward --surprise!- but I am grateful for the relationships I had.  There were some really cool girls there, all leading me to my one and only wife.

9. I should probably use this one for Vicki.  I am extremely grateful for the woman who was a friend and now a partner.  She returned in my life at a time that I needed her (and I'd like to think she needed me) and she has taught me much about many things as well as helping me learn or see a number of things for myself.  I appreciate her everyday.

10. The most fun I have had in life would be my years at OSU.  I had numerous goals for myself professionally and socially for those years and pretty much accomplished them all.  I set myself up for the future while enjoying what it all had to offer.

11. Phantom Band is one of those college experiences I will cherish forever.  Particularly the year we led the whole damn thing.  THAT seriously was my one shining moment.  The power we had over so many people was intoxicating.

12. 85 was another part of my college experience that I hold dear.  My roommates at 85 are some of the coolest, best kind of people I have ever met.

13. Ohio State sports has provided happiness where Cleveland sports have provided misery.  THANK GOD for the Buckeyes.

14. Amidst this happiness is the 2002 National Championship.  The only title any of my teams have earned.  I don't count Alabama because they are a secondary team.  Yes, I was pumped to watch the Tide win their titles, but they aren't my home state, alma mater or home city.

15. The 1997 Rose Bowl was my senior year and my Dad and I took a trip to Pasadena that we still reminisce about to this day.  It was a very cool time with my Dad and the game was epic.  Joe Germaine to David Boston on a little square out in the front of the end zone and TBDBITL playing "Carmen, Ohio" right in front of us as I looked to the misty scoreboard reading the final score are visions firmly planted in my memory.

16. Cedar Point is a place I loved growing up and still do.  The fact that my oldest loves roller coasters as she does warms my heart.

17. Road trips in college were awesome.  The Kentucky Derby, Penn State, Ann Arbor, NYC, Indy for the NCAA tourney, IUP, OU and many others.

18. Fantasy football has been a nightmare this season but it has provided a nice safety net to keep my interest in the NFL going after the Browns inevitable annual flame out.

19. Former students have returned over the years to say "hi."  I am grateful I have made enough of a positive impression to earn visits.  It is cool to hear how they are doing years later.

20. I am appreciative of any good moments with my students.  Simple moments of conversations to accomplishments to visits, to goodbyes to inside jokes to sharing memories to seeing their growth from the time we first meet to the time they leave.

21. My health has been pretty good.  I appreciate how low maintenance things have been for me so far.  I hope that continues.

22. I love softball.  I have been playing for decades now and I know I won't be able to forever.  I am very grateful for all the seasons and memories and teams and people that have been a part of my experiences playing softball.

23. I am grateful for learning.  There is an abundance of learning to be done and I enjoy doing so.

24. I am thankful for music. all kinds for all moods and all occasions.

25. Star Wars was a huge part of my childhood and I enjoy sharing it with my kids now.

26. I am grateful for social media.  Thanks to Facebook and my blog, I have been able to engage with many friends about many different things.  I have rekindled old friendships that otherwise, I would not have been able to do. I have been able to stay in touch with extended family. It makes things easy and quick and fun.

27. I appreciate my in laws welcoming me to their family and treating me as family as well as my oldest daughter.  Without flinching or questioning, they fluidly and seamlessly included us very comfortably despite the challenges that come with that.

28. I love Columbus.  It is my new home.  My heart will always have a space saved for Cleveland, but Columbus is my home.

29. Thankful for this house and this neighborhood.  It is what I always envisioned for me when I "grew up."  So I guess I'm grown up.  Hmm

30. Obviously, I am grateful for my paycheck.  I live a good life.  I try not to take it for granted.

31. Much like above, I am thankful for my health insurance.  I have known people who don't have any and it is HARD.  I have been fortunate to transition from one to another pretty easily and with three kids, one with a health condition, it has been a luxury.

32. St. Thomas Aquinas was a church I have written about before.  It played a large role in shaping who I am today.I felt like they got it right.  Unfortunately, they didn't pull in enough money for the Catholic church to continue to support it, so it closed.  Figures.  Another brick in the wall.  But I appreciate the time I had there and the people I met and I hope they knew how influential they were.

33. I am thankful for the care of Children's Hospital in Columbus.  I have had to spend extended periods of time there on numerous occasions and it has been very difficult but they have done well.  I appreciate the help in caring for my daughter and trying to figure out what to do.

34. Thankful for luck.  I have been very lucky when it comes to important things.  My bad luck has fortunately been in regards to minor issues that I have been able to recover from relatively easily.

35. I have fond memories of trips to Alabama.  We would go to this pond and row around playing pirates or whatever.  We would dock on a shore and run into the surrounding woods to play whatever mission we were on at that time.  They were meant to fishing so i am sure we looked dumb as hell, but my Dad never seemed to care and encouraged it, so we did.  That was great.

36. A timely gratitude would be rivalries.  I love the intensity of OSU and the TTUN.  I love what once was with the Browns and Steelers and the hope that someday it returns.

37.  I am thankful for my current boss.

38. I am thankful for rock shows and friends who introduce to me to good rock bands.

39.  My three kids are treasures. I can't end this list without the three little ones I adore.

It goes without saying, I am a wealthy man.  This list could be doubled and more. I am grateful for that as well.

Why am I Still Doing This?

Each passing school year has become more and more difficult. The pressure continues to increase with only more to come.

From the point of view of someone on the inside who has been in education for over 15 years, it feels as though the wrong things are emphasized, the time, energy and money is not being spent efficiently or effectively, more is expected with less support given while the support was minimal in the first place.

It is difficult to argue or to defend our position as educators because it looks selfish on the surface.  The issues surrounding education keep getting simplified to a point that distort the reality.

Teaching and learning go hand in hand. 

Maybe I should write it this way: Good teaching and good learning go hand in hand.

Teachers try to make the learning experience better but it is often mistaken for making the teaching experience better and therefore, appears selfish and not in the students' best interest.  When in fact, since the two are so closely linked, better teaching experience leads to better learning experience and vice versa.

Therefore, stripping resources from the teaching only hurts the learning.  Stripping resources from the learning only hurts the teaching.

I think of when I go to Subway.  I order a sandwich and then pick and choose what items they add to the meat and cheese.  There isn't a standardized amount I get of each item.  It varies depending on the person behind the counter.  For example, one girl always drowns my sandwich in lettuce and another puts just the right amount.  I bet there is a Subway somewhere that would put very little.  They also do not record how much or what I specifically get.  They track my purchases with that rewards card, but not the items on the sandwich.

What if tracking that data helped maximize profits by informing them how much to buy or have in stock?  That would extend my stay in line.  Customer service would be sacrificed.  They would need to hire more help to keep things moving.  My time in line plays a large role in whether I frequent their business.

In education, we are doing this.  We are collecting more and more data.  On the surface it looks good.  It helps drive our instruction and know what the students need and helps maximize what we teach. We can't argue against it or we look lazy like we don't want to do more work and we have summers off so who are we to complain?

But what isn't being talked about or understood is that our "customer service" or teaching actually is compromised.  Less time is able to be spent on actual instruction so that this data collection takes place.  It defeats the purpose. 

Extra help isn't hired and more success is expected.  It is like that Subway worker having to spend more time typing in items in the computer but being expected to serve the customers in the less time in order to improve customer satisfaction without any extra help.

So why am I still doing this?

Why am I staying in this profession that is vastly different than when I started, which was already changing from how the generation before me was teaching and not necessarily all for the better?

I didn't do this to crunch data.   I would have and could have gone into accounting. I am perfectly capable of doing that.  Most teachers I know are intelligent, hard workers that could be working in professions that pay more and do so successfully.

But we all chose to do this instead.

Why?

For me, that reason happened a couple weeks ago.  It wasn't happening at all this year before that class on that Friday afternoon. I enjoyed it frequently last year and the year before. But not this year.

It wasn't a glowing moment of an old student returning.  It wasn't some award.  It wasn't a compliment from a parent.  It wasn't a great evaluation from my boss.

It had nothing to do with data or tests or grades or planning or recess or any of that.

It was the kids.

The one thing that keeps me there year after year is the students. 

They can be frustrating, cause me to lose hair and years off my life.

But they also contribute to the unspoken, indescribable feeling we get all get when that invisible learning happens. 

I suppose I can describe it and it is visible in an abstract way, but not directly.

I love Math.  I love making the students figure "big boy" and "big girl" Math on their own.That Friday and several times since, I have found myself getting lost in the lesson.  I blocked out all that is happening outside my room without realizing it.

It is difficult to articulate.

But when this happens, my excitement becomes contagious.  I see it in the students' eyes and that energizes me. Suddenly, other students who were slumped over start to slowly perk up.  I see them start to rise out of their seats and even stand.

I don't stop them.

Several students start to blurt out answers, ideas and even extending questions and I don't stop them.

This doesn't happen often.  But it happens.

I swear you can see light bulbs hover above their heads.

This feeling begins to spread.  You can see it.   Positive peer pressure kicks in at this point and this is where it thrives.

Students actually WANT to be part of the excitement around the room.  It is more engaging than anything else I have tried.

Math becomes fun without any bells and whistles, just emotion. They see my excitement and then other students' excitement and once we hit critical mass, the majority of the class is up and begging for more math.

I love that.  I absolutely love that. I truly believe more learning takes place in those moments than ever. It sounds like choas on the outside or a class out of control, which may be true, but it is all good inside. Better than ever in my opinion.

It makes my job so much fun.

 I need to plan well.  I need to assess effectively.  I do need to collect and use data.  I get it. But that isn't why I am doing this.

For me, it is about my time in that room with those students going crazy over Math or the book I am reading aloud.  It is intoxicating.

“Education is not preparation for life, education is life itself.” - John Dewey

Enjoying The Present

A fellow educator has been posting a number of thought provoking things of late and one has motivated me to expand and share on the thoughts it provoked with me.

The post he shared was mostly about how the character one gains from winning or losing is more important than the result or the trophy, ribbon, medal and so on that you receive.

I feel much the same.  The confidence you build, the relationships you build along the way, the lessons you may learn in what you did wrong and how to improve it or the success you had and how to repeat it are other valuable components to the experience that matter more than a trophy.

But my thoughts meandered somewhere else as they often do for me.  I connected these thoughts to my own personal experiences that can be related.

Coincidentally, I just unpacked some trophies of mine and wanted to display them.  I also unpacked a number of awards my daughter has earned through Special Olympics and at school.

They have been boxed up for a long time.  I lived all those years just fine without them. Why did I feel the need to display them?

For my daughter, it was a matter of demonstrating my pride in her.  I felt it was important that she had an opportunity to feel proud of herself and see her father was proud and valued that pride enough to want to display her successes and accomplishments. 

For now, let's compartmentalize that and put it aside as another topic regarding parenting.

Why did I feel the need to display soccer, bowling and softball trophies with my other sports memorabilia? Who cares? Do I?

My initial answer is that I have always been stubborn about my feelings like I need to prove their validity by sticking with them through time even if I have moved on. 

So naturally, I feel this need to validate the pride I felt years ago when my coach called me up in front of the team to present my trophy and complimented my constant hustle.  If I let that go, then it never happened. 

This is how I have handled many things in life.  I get stuck in the past in an effort to validate it or prove I was right.

Does it matter though?

The object that is the trophy probably means little.  The memory attached to it is the important part, I would say, assuming the character, confidence, relationships and other invisible traits or personal attributes that came from that experience are intact. Since the memory is worth something, and the trophy reminds me of that memory, than I guess the trophy is important in that respect.

But if we separated the memory and the object, the trophy, means little to me personally.

So if we are to assume I never lose the memory, would the memory in and of itself matter?

Let's say I forgot that season ever happened and I did not have that stubborn need to hang on to old feelings to validate them, would any of it matter? 

Again, all the invisible traits and growth from the experience aside, if I lived without the memory and I didn't know I didn't have he memory, who cares?

Isn't the only negative part of forgetting is knowing you forgot it?  Or the fear of forgetting something you currently remember?

If you didn't know you forgot the memory, then you would never feel the loss. Therefore, does it really matter?

It is not even the memory that is important anymore.  You can live without it just fine.  Losing that memory hurts. But not having it means nothing as long as the things you leanred from it are still there and part of you in that independent abstract form that you can't connect to the memory because it is a behavior or a trait or a habit.

This is one aspect f many things I have been thinking about as I unpack things that were once important and I expected to be important now but, really, are not. At first, there is a feeling of loss. Then a feeling of liberation. Being able to let go of some stuff realizing it isn't as important as the stuff happening right now was refreshing.  Difficult but refreshing.

It is hard to let go without feeling like I am betraying myself. My old self. Letting the positive memories and attributes of my past go is like letting them die.

But why? And why does it matter now if they do?

It doesn't.  Not those objects anyway.

I think of the numerous things I have read lately about living in the present.  This is a concept my Father tried to convey to me several years ago as he was learning to do so and wanted to share with me. 

Letting go of the past and avoiding the worry of the future is a big step towards living a better life in this way of thinking. It seemed like a lot at the time, but I am now appreciating it more.

It is interesting how this theme runs through numerous philosophies and religions and cultures.  I keep hearing, reading or finding it or variations of it.  That must mean something.

Naturally, this brings me to a topic I think of frequently: the afterlife.

If one doesn't know of the afterlife, does it matter?

If there is no afterlife, will it matter when we die and we are unaware because we are, dead?

The only time it matters is in the "life" and since we are presently in our life, the presence of life after death or lack thereof means nothing right now. It will only matter when it happens and if it doesn't happen, it won't matter bcause not only will we not experience the afterlife, we won't experience NOT having life after death.

Like realizing it is knowing the loss that matters and not the loss itself, releasing yourself from knowing the loss minimizes the pain of losing if not eliminates it.

New Title

The blog has a new title.

What was once named "Huey" because it was a blog about me and my experiences to share with anyone interested, is now "A Diary Of Lost In Between."

It comes from a song called, "Knifeman" by The Bronx.  The lyric is technically, "this is a diary of life in between," but I didn't want to totally rip them off.  Plus, "lost" gives it a feeling of the unknown which is the direction I wanted to go in.

It still may be about Huey, but the essence of  the blog, "Huey," is the idea that I'm "lost in between." And the blog is about being there...in between.  Lost. Not really knowing.

So while I continue to post about the questions I constantly ask myself, it will become obvious that I am not sure where it is I stand on much of anything and often change.

The best part, in my opinion, is that those of you who know me may even disagree with this title.  I may be more aware of where I am than the majority of you.  Sometimes I feel this is the case. And this is the not so hidden objective of the blog: to get you to think of your opinion and stance and hopefully spark dialogue either on this forum or, as it usually goes, face to face when we interact together.

Enjoy.  

Or don't.

But I hope you tell me either way.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and the 1997 Rose Bowl

There is a line in a classic Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers' song, "Running Down a Dream," that I heard tonight on my iPod while running.

It went something like this:

"The trees went by, me and Del were singing little Runaway. I was flyin'."

My Dad referenced this line while we were in California for a week around New Year's 1997 for the Rose Bowl. We were either on Ventura Blvd, passing an exit for it or just talking about it and how Petty mentioned it in Free Fallin' off this same album, "Full Moon Fever," when he cited the lyric above.

I honestly can't remember why or how these were connected in the context of our conversation.

What I can remember is a ton of great memories from that trip with my Father.

It was my senior year at The Ohio State University.  I was on target to graduate on time in the Spring despite some scary academic moments earlier in which my Dad lit me up. 

He was pretty laid back with discipline growing up until it came to grades.  School brought out the dictator, authoritative, drill sergeant in him. Therefore, the hideous grades I came home with after one quarter living off campus caused him to rear his ugly head.

So with the #4 Buckeyes matched up with #2 Arizona State (this was pre-BCS), and my love of football and OSU, it was a perfect opportunity to celebrate the turnaround and generously present me with an epic graduation/birthday/Christmas gift.

Obviously, I was in a prolonged state of euphoria over this.

Nearly every Rose Bowl since I have made a point to call my Dad and remind him how thankful I am for that gift and that trip.  It has become a nice tradition of mine that I take a good bit of pride in. 

In almost every call, one of us recalls our surprise about how many people out in Pasadena cared more about the parade than the game.  While we were there for the game and considered the parade so much of an after thought that we didn't even make an effort to get to Colorado Blvd in time, there were people lining the streets the night before just to secure a good spot for the Rose Bowl Parade the following morning.

I vividly remember talking to a mother and her son at a pizza place on New Year's Eve.  They asked if we were from out of town and we responded, "Yes. We are from Ohio."

Naturally, that would tip off our reason to be there: The game.

Her response?

Something like, "Oh that is a long way to come for the parade.  But we have people here from the east coast too.  It IS a great parade, isn't it?"

Uh. Yeah. Sure.

After we said we came for the game, she asked, "What game?"

WHAT GAME!?

****************************

Another odd experience was the location of the Rose Bowl stadium itself.  It was in the beautiful mountains, but what surprised me was that is was surrounded by residential streets.  We literally walked through a neighborhood to and from our car.

Weird.

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That New Year's Eve night was a cool scene. The streets were buzzing with people for the parade the next day. Music was playing.  The weather was warm. 

We went to an underground movie theater to catch a movie before the midnight, New Year's celebration. 

Not underground like a hidden, Indie film house or anything cool like that.  But literally a theater under the ground.  There was an escalator to the doors.

The movie?

Jerry Macquire.

Meh.

 Lame choices.  That was the best option.

It had football in it.  We were in a football state of mind.

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During the trip, my Dad and I spent a good bit of time in Los Angeles.

It is from both my parents that I get my appreciation and interest in college campuses.  So we paid a visit to UCLA to check out the different sites, walking around to take in the sites.  I remember very little to be honest, but it was cool.

We went to The Comedy Store.  If I remember right, it was on Sunset.  There was a two drink minimum and my Dad "warned" me what that meant and how he could "help."

No need. I laugh still thinking about that. Minimum was not a problem.

We then tried to get in to the House of Blues. Cypress Hill was playing. I was pretty amped to check them out. It wouldn't have been the first rap show my Dad and I attended together as funny as that may sound.  That was old hat.

Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately) it was sold out by the time we got there. People were pouring out of the door.

******************************

Anyone who is a Buckeye knows how epic that game was.

OSU goes down 17-14 with just over a minute to go with a shoddy kicker at best. Looked like Jake "The Snake" Plummer had done it again. A late game score to win.

But two pass interference flags later our Buckeyes were on the doorstep.

Then Germaine to Boston on a beautiful little fake to the inside then flare out to the sideline for the game winning TD.

I can still see that play in my head along with the misty view of the scoreboard with Ohio State 20 and Arizona State 17 as the best damn band in the land plays all the classics in the corner of the endzone where we were sitting.

It was perfect.

******************************

There was this lady sitting next to me. to this day I swear she was an angel sent to be there for me.

While I went through my normal progression of emotions to sheer insanity, my Dad continued to live in the moment.  This wasn't his first rodeo. He watched me grow up and into this intensity over my teams.

He had witnessed my whole range. Par for the course. Another day at the office.

In fact, just the year before I was home to watch The Game (OSU v Ann Arbor for those of you not in the know), and we got into a heated argument as Tim Biakabutuka ran for 313 yards on our defense leading Ann Arbor to an upset win. I think it ended with another episode of me walking up the street in socks.

But this lady had an odd ability to calm me and provided this sense of optimism I had never felt before.

I'm not one for the Bible or crazy religion, but I am open about my belief in the supernatural.

She was supernatural. She had me believing Joe Cool Germaine would lead our Buckeyes to victory on that last drive.

Haven't felt that way since.  Even in the 2002 Title Game, I never felt like it would end my way like I did that day in hazy Pasadena, California. 

Adam and Eve, Kris Humphries, Hair Curlers, Baseball Equipment, Job Interviews, Women

Have had a jing bang mess of things on my mind of late.  I would like to share them with you.

Adam and Eve
So if we are to believe in the Bible, Genesis in particular (oh if only I meant Phil Collins), and go with this story of Adam and Eve as the start of the human population.....then that means we are all products of incest.

That would actually explain a lot, wouldn't it?

President Obama and Gay Marriage
After North Carolina voters decided they did not want to join the 21st century and voted for marriage NOT to be based  totally in love and devotion but by physical anatomy, President Obama came out (uhhhhh...) and make a public announcement that he supported gay marriage to the cheers of the gay communities and many liberals around the country.

In the end, I am not so sure what I think of this in and of itself being an election year and I still vividly recall a Presidential debate last time around in which he sidestepped the issue with the cop out claim that he personally felt it was to be between a man and a woman although the law shouldn't make a distinction.  Going off memory here means I could be incorrect, but my point is that I can't help but be skeptical about this and its timing.

What bothers me is that this is STILL an issue. I STILL have to hear how gay marriage somehow "threatens" an institution that is already on life support.

Over half of straight marriages don't carry out what marriage is meant to be: a lifelong commitment.

I have lost count of how many marriages I, alone, have witnessed that have ended or have had extra marital affairs and I am not even 40!

It is pathetic.

The same people that devoutly "defend" marriage from those "aggressive" gays, flock to watch  Kris Humphries of the New Jersey Nets and his sham of a marriage to some woman in Los Angeles on TV.

Kim something or other?  I hear she is pretty popular with the kids.

Meanwhile, Jennifer Lopez is on marriage 17 or whatever and everyone loves her.  Magazine covers are filled with her pretty face.

Kids are growing up seeing this and are desensitized to the idea of broken marriages.

Marriages have become disposable.  An excuse to get dressed up, have a party, maybe have a kid.

Yet gays are the threat.

No homosexual I know is looking to take anything away from those of us and our holy straight marriages.  It isn't one or the other.  Gays won't take over the world.

But heaven forbid!

Hair Curlers
The other day on my drive into work, I saw a woman in hair curlers in the car next to me.  This was the 5th time within a week I saw a woman doing something to "get ready" in the car, on her way somewhere.

I realize this is common, but it was weird that I witnessed it so many times in a short period of time because I usually don't.

Most odd to me was the hair curlers.  I never see that. My wife doesn't use curlers in her hair. So while I am used to seeing the whole make up prep and flat hair thing, curlers are something I don't see often anymore.

So is it something women do and I am not privy to it, or has it gone out of style?

Token Politics
Say what you want, all legitimate reasons aside, but I can't bring myself to vote for a dude named after a baseball glove.

I'm sure there is a joke somewhere in there but I can't think of it.

Oh yeah and until I see a birth certificate......

Job Interviews
I have had two job interviews in front of panels.  I was offered and accepted positions after both.

To this day, I find myself still trying to live up to the resume I sent and the answers I gave to the their questions.

I still feel this internal pressure to prove myself to those people.  I doubt they even care anymore or remember what I said, but I haven't and I don't like the idea that they may regret selecting me over the other candidates because I didn't live up to the "hype."

One of the people who interviewed me at my current job was with me at a professional development last week and made a comment that it felt like I had been teaching there longer than two years.  He said he meant it as a good thing.  He meant that I have fit in so well that the comfort level is more than one would expect after only two years.

I will take that as some validation.

It doesn't exactly relate to the answers I gave or career highlights laid out on a piece of paper, but it probably means the guy doesn't think it was a total mistake hiring me.

War on Women
Seems like every topic in the media today has to be a "war" on something.

We have the "War on Traditional Marriage." As I already stated, this is a freaking joke. To be at war, you have to attack something and gays are not attacking anybody.  They aren't looking to take anything from anybody, but to have the same pursuit of happiness that straight couples have.

Marriage isn't a club where you can post a sign on your door for your little sister, "No Girls Allowed."

Come on, we're adults here.

But this isn't my point.

The media also likes to throw out headlines about this "War on Women."

I bring this up because this time of year I find myself reflecting on 2008 when I lost my grandmother in May and then my baby girl, Mallory, in June before she was born.

It was a unique situation because we knew we were going to lose her before we did.

It was extremely difficult.

The experience challenged my prior ideas of abortion.  But it wasn't black and white and it didn't give me any answers.  If anything, it muddied the water even more.

Was it a baby at that time? Is that life? Did she have a soul? Should I have grieved as I did or was I being over dramatic?

For the record, I am not a Bible guy.  I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I prefer free thinking based on multiple resources, logic and reason.  So my approach throughout this was to examine what I believed in my heart and soul.

This experience, the decisions we had to make, the medical procedure that was done after she passed, the emotional roller coaster, opened my eyes that people on the outside have no business telling others how to handle this stuff.

Our experience was unique. I wish there were zero abortions.  But to be be 100% pro life when the whole issue is such a diverse, complicated myriad of situations, is short sighted in my opinion.

And to demonize birth control is not right. I personally find it contradicting and extreme to categorize it as abortion itself.

But people who have little to no experience will make the decisions for the rest of us I guess.

We Compete in Room 5

In my classroom I do not shy away from competition. 

It has been said that competition is not good for the classroom.  There is a trend in which everybody gets ribbons just for participating. We seem to try to cushion kids from losing.

I believe there is a good bit that can be learned from losing.

I believe it creates a teachable moment that an educator can use if done correctly.

We will all lose at some point in life.  What is more important? 

That we lost or how we handle the loss?

That we won? Or how we handle the victory?

I believe in creating a classroom environment that encourages one another, pushes one another, works with one another and does not fear competition,

When my students enter the "real world" they will compete.  They will compete for jobs, accounts, promotions, customers and more.

The important thing I want my students to take from me is the value of hard work.  I want them to understand that wallowing in a pity party or giving up and quiting because they did not succeed immediately is not acceptable.

I want them to understand that losing is not the end of the world.

In fact, I want them to understand it is OK.

I want them to realize it is how they handle the loss that dictates their success.

Will they work harder and try again until they reach their goal?

If I succeed, they will.

Therefore, I do not shy away from losing in my classroom.  While we celebrate victories no matter how small in a MAJOR way and we do not hesitate to be proud and show our pride, we also acknowledge our losses.

We then identify what needs to improve and we work to improve it.

So now I bring you to our current Math concept.  We are learning how to convert fractions to percents.  There are several common fractions/percents I want them to memorize.  In my life, I have benefited from just knowing the percentages of certain common fractions like 4ths and 5ths and 8ths and so on.

So we have made flashcards and the students have practiced memorizing them.  You may remember an old game we used to play in school called Around the World.  Two students would race to answer an operation problem first.  The winner moves on while the loser sits.  At the end, many students are sitting in different seats than their own.

Those of us who were competitive would count out how many seats everyone moved to see who moved the most and "won."

I do a similar thing in the first 10 minutes of Math to open the lesson.

But I have my students sit in teams for numerous reasons.

So I have each team compete for a "team champ."

Since I teach a split which means half 4th graders and half 5th graders, each team champ competes for a "grade champ."

Then we compete for a "class champ."

It is quite fun.

Since my class is used to competition and have been taught how to compete with sportsmanship and positive support and not to freak out over losing since there will be plenty of opportunities to win in the future, we really get into it.

There is a ton of cheering and pats on the back.  I love to see classmates console the student who loses.  I love to hear them beg to have more time to study up on their flashcards before we play again to get them in their head.

In fact.....

It reminds me a lot of this:

Not quite as loud....but almost.