It feels like my life has come to a point of closure. Recently, my wife and I experienced a difficult period that I have documented often in this blog. We lost a baby late in the pregnancy to triploidy. It is a freak chromosomal disorder that has always been fatal for the fetus.
We both have worked hard to grieve appropriately and deal with the emotional roller coaster that accompanies a loss such as this. Fortunately, this experience doesn't have any lasting physical problems so we have been able to continue our lives as planned.
We now approach the one year anniversary of the event. At this year mark we have a beautiful baby girl. We are celebrating this joyous experience with sleep deprivation and plenty of diaper changes and feedings. These events present their own challenges believe it or not, but each one is graciously welcomed.
So now I reflect on the past year with all that has happened and wonder to myself if I should put the loss to rest. But I don't want to let this go. I fear that moving on would distant myself from the memory of Mallory even though there was never really a physical memory. I recall the weeks following the loss and how determined I was to make sure we didn't sweep it under the rug. My gut was telling me that I needed to make a big deal about the loss.
I still question if that is appropriate. Plenty of couples lose babies. One thing I learned from the experience was that the number of babies that are lost is surprisingly high. A number of women lose numerous babies before they finally have a successful birth. I lost count of the women in our lives that came out of the woodwork and told us their own stories of lost babies.
They remained silent about these losses. If this is the case and many of them don't mourn their losses, does this mean I am blowing this out of proportion? Is my effort to remain so open about my experience a cry for attention? Am I making a big deal over nothing? Am I too sensitive? Is this something I should let go?
I'll be the first to admit I crave attention. Isn't this blog really an example of me crying out, "Look at me! Listen to me! Watch me!" I think everybody enjoys positive attention at some level whether or not they'll admit it openly or even to ourselves.
So is this a function of that craving?
I do know that in my private moments, I have been emotional over the loss. I really did carry the burden for awhile and throughout the successful pregnancy, I would revisit the memory of the loss in a fearful or saddened way. I didn't always publicize those moments. I would share them with my wife, but she was my partner in this experience.
My wife refers to our daughter as our "miracle baby" because of the loss. She feels it is time to put the loss behind us and has said it is OK to let go of the mourning.
I, on the other hand, still feel that ending the mourning would be one more step to forgetting Mallory. It is all I have of her. My brother and his wife are so generous and caring. They gave my wife and me two gifts. One for the new baby and one to remember Mallory. It meant the world to me. I felt like it gives me a tangible memory of Mallory and I could begin to let go without erasing her. But here I am still wanting to hold on to the sadness. I'm still afraid that letting go would erase Mallory.
Another thought I had was to tattoo her name somewhere hidden on myself. I would then have a tangible way to keep her with me forever. But this would make a hypocrite out of me since I have major issues with the trendy tattoo thing that has risen over the last decade or so. Also, if I did this, I feel I would need to add my two living children and then I would be approaching NBA player level. Wait. No, until I have body ink crawling up my neck and down my arms, I'll be OK.
Maybe my newborn is my closure. She may represent what Mallory would be. Maybe she represents what Mallory is. But I do not want to put that on her. I don't want my youngest daughter to live her life carrying the memory of someone else. I want her to be her own unique person to me. I recall a good friend of mine whose twin was lost at birth. We have discussed this subject manner in the past and his opinion would be worth hearing. I am curious if he feels like he was carrying the memory of his brother throughout his life and if that was a positive or negative thing.
This is a joyous time in my life. I have had numerous setbacks over the past several years and it feels like I am beginning to climb my way back to the surface. This is a time I should be celebrating all the joy, not dragging out the pain. I just can't leave this behind me.
Life is not about the destination but the journey right?
So cliche!
Showing posts with label Grieving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grieving. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Saturday, December 27, 2008
2008 In Review....Part 2
SUMMER
The summer began with much expectation. The time off for my wife and I was dearly needed. The warm weather was going to help with all of the life changes we were about to make. I managed to make it out with some friends to check out Hanzel Und Gretyl at Skully's in Columbus, Ohio. It was a the first time in about a decade that I was able to see them live. The show was awesome and I loved every minute of it.
Tiger Woods and Rocco Mediate played an extremely entertaining and exciting U.S. Open solidifying my interest in golf.....as long as Tiger is playing. The Indians played through a lackluster season continuing my expectations of the descent of my teams from a stellar yet championshipless 2007. I continued through mediocre seasons in softball although my play was far below mediocre. The Celtics won the NBA Title adding to my anger towards Boston fan. But the Cavs signed a key free agent in the offseason in Mo Williams who would fill a dying need. Also, Ferry managed to work his magic in the draft to get a couple of key big men that show a lot of promise if they can develop enough in time.
My family dealt with a tragedy and I blogged about the grieving I went through. I was able to move on and grow from the experience but the effects of that event are still manifesting themselves in subtle actions and much of my thinking. While I repeat the steps that led to that horrific experience, I can't help but fall back to those feelings and deal with much of the fear and paranoia that is still present as a result.
With the residue of that experience still around, my wife and I put one foot in front of the other (actually two feet since there was two of us) and tried to celebrate our first anniversary with a trip to West Virginia. It was a nice little trip together where we enjoyed some couple time. We also decided it was time to really push to get the house ready for the market and move into a house that would truly be ours. We felt like we were still living in the past with the current house. So we began the process of fixing the countless little problems with the house and trying to improve the look. I almost lost my mind due to frustration from my lack of Mr. Fix-it skills.
In between the the home improvements I made a trip out to Evanston with my dad to help move my brother's family from one apartment to another. It was a cool weekend to share with the men of my immediate family moving furniture, eating some good barb-b-que and sampling the campus hang outs. Doug was able to show us around and let us peek into his life a little bit.
Just as we put the house on the market and witnessed the cats' stubborn resistance to all the change, I left for Las Vegas to celebrate my good friend's upcoming marriage. I left for Los Angeles to meet two other good friends who also were contributing to the Vegas bachelor party and began a week of good times with good people creating memories that we will relive for a long time.
When I returned, it was back to the grind. School was ready to begin the house was on the market. Football season was ready to start and I finished my first year in a new fantasy baseball league in a very respectable second place. The school routine was back up and running. At the same time the presidential election was heating up and I began to blog more and more about my political views and my hopes for the future.
AUTUMN
Ohio State lost in embarrassing fashion to a superior USC team. It reinforced my fears that OSU was overrated and over hyped. There was very little if anything to realistically take from the game as positive. The weak schedule only gave Penn State as an opportunity to redeem our reputation but while that game was hard fought and showed some glimpse of hope, we lost that one too and went on to beat teams we should be including bitter rival, Michigan who had one of their worst seasons ever under new coach Rich Rodriquez.
The Browns looked absolutely horrible and quit more often than not. They mailed in the last 1/3 of the season after it was obviously a lost cause. "Romeo must go," I kept saying before the season. 2007 was fool's gold in more ways than one and was probably a really bad thing. 2008 proved me right.
The Cavs on the other hand came out guns blazin'! Since you don't win NBA titles in December, the 25-4 start means absolutely NOTHING!!!! It is a good sign. It has been fun to watch. But it will be interesting to see if they maintain such a rate of success.
I was able to take a trip out to Evanston, Illinois again. This time it was to watch my Ohio State Buckeyes dominate a solid Northwestern team. It was cold. Oh so cold. But it was a fun weekend with my brother and his wife's family. Anytime I can catch the Buckeyes on the road and knock out another Big Ten stadium, I am happy.
My wife and sister-in-law and I ventured out to see Trent Reznor, better known as Nine Inch Nails, play a show in Columbus. The visual effects were outstanding. He had an interactive screen at times behind him and at other times in front of him. It was pretty cool and creative. He played an ok set. There was a bit much of his instrumental slow stuff but he doesn't seem to be as angry as he once was. I guess money will do that for you right?
Obama was elected president of the United States promising change and giving hope of unity and improved pride in ourselves and country. In the end it will be up to us to make any effective changes. My hope has been that Obama will be charismatic enough to lead the change and motivate us to make the right kind of changes. But as I obsess over 2012 and armageddon, I worry that Obama may be the antichrist. I have problems.
Basically, this is where I stand right now. 2008 wasn't my best years. I still think it wasn't my worst either. I have a lot of changes I need to make in the way I behave and think. I am working on that. What happened in 2008 has led me to these things. So maybe 2008, while being difficult at the time, will prove to be a year that led to better things and much needed growth.
The summer began with much expectation. The time off for my wife and I was dearly needed. The warm weather was going to help with all of the life changes we were about to make. I managed to make it out with some friends to check out Hanzel Und Gretyl at Skully's in Columbus, Ohio. It was a the first time in about a decade that I was able to see them live. The show was awesome and I loved every minute of it.
Tiger Woods and Rocco Mediate played an extremely entertaining and exciting U.S. Open solidifying my interest in golf.....as long as Tiger is playing. The Indians played through a lackluster season continuing my expectations of the descent of my teams from a stellar yet championshipless 2007. I continued through mediocre seasons in softball although my play was far below mediocre. The Celtics won the NBA Title adding to my anger towards Boston fan. But the Cavs signed a key free agent in the offseason in Mo Williams who would fill a dying need. Also, Ferry managed to work his magic in the draft to get a couple of key big men that show a lot of promise if they can develop enough in time.
My family dealt with a tragedy and I blogged about the grieving I went through. I was able to move on and grow from the experience but the effects of that event are still manifesting themselves in subtle actions and much of my thinking. While I repeat the steps that led to that horrific experience, I can't help but fall back to those feelings and deal with much of the fear and paranoia that is still present as a result.
With the residue of that experience still around, my wife and I put one foot in front of the other (actually two feet since there was two of us) and tried to celebrate our first anniversary with a trip to West Virginia. It was a nice little trip together where we enjoyed some couple time. We also decided it was time to really push to get the house ready for the market and move into a house that would truly be ours. We felt like we were still living in the past with the current house. So we began the process of fixing the countless little problems with the house and trying to improve the look. I almost lost my mind due to frustration from my lack of Mr. Fix-it skills.
In between the the home improvements I made a trip out to Evanston with my dad to help move my brother's family from one apartment to another. It was a cool weekend to share with the men of my immediate family moving furniture, eating some good barb-b-que and sampling the campus hang outs. Doug was able to show us around and let us peek into his life a little bit.
Just as we put the house on the market and witnessed the cats' stubborn resistance to all the change, I left for Las Vegas to celebrate my good friend's upcoming marriage. I left for Los Angeles to meet two other good friends who also were contributing to the Vegas bachelor party and began a week of good times with good people creating memories that we will relive for a long time.
When I returned, it was back to the grind. School was ready to begin the house was on the market. Football season was ready to start and I finished my first year in a new fantasy baseball league in a very respectable second place. The school routine was back up and running. At the same time the presidential election was heating up and I began to blog more and more about my political views and my hopes for the future.
AUTUMN
Ohio State lost in embarrassing fashion to a superior USC team. It reinforced my fears that OSU was overrated and over hyped. There was very little if anything to realistically take from the game as positive. The weak schedule only gave Penn State as an opportunity to redeem our reputation but while that game was hard fought and showed some glimpse of hope, we lost that one too and went on to beat teams we should be including bitter rival, Michigan who had one of their worst seasons ever under new coach Rich Rodriquez.
The Browns looked absolutely horrible and quit more often than not. They mailed in the last 1/3 of the season after it was obviously a lost cause. "Romeo must go," I kept saying before the season. 2007 was fool's gold in more ways than one and was probably a really bad thing. 2008 proved me right.
The Cavs on the other hand came out guns blazin'! Since you don't win NBA titles in December, the 25-4 start means absolutely NOTHING!!!! It is a good sign. It has been fun to watch. But it will be interesting to see if they maintain such a rate of success.
I was able to take a trip out to Evanston, Illinois again. This time it was to watch my Ohio State Buckeyes dominate a solid Northwestern team. It was cold. Oh so cold. But it was a fun weekend with my brother and his wife's family. Anytime I can catch the Buckeyes on the road and knock out another Big Ten stadium, I am happy.
My wife and sister-in-law and I ventured out to see Trent Reznor, better known as Nine Inch Nails, play a show in Columbus. The visual effects were outstanding. He had an interactive screen at times behind him and at other times in front of him. It was pretty cool and creative. He played an ok set. There was a bit much of his instrumental slow stuff but he doesn't seem to be as angry as he once was. I guess money will do that for you right?
Obama was elected president of the United States promising change and giving hope of unity and improved pride in ourselves and country. In the end it will be up to us to make any effective changes. My hope has been that Obama will be charismatic enough to lead the change and motivate us to make the right kind of changes. But as I obsess over 2012 and armageddon, I worry that Obama may be the antichrist. I have problems.
Basically, this is where I stand right now. 2008 wasn't my best years. I still think it wasn't my worst either. I have a lot of changes I need to make in the way I behave and think. I am working on that. What happened in 2008 has led me to these things. So maybe 2008, while being difficult at the time, will prove to be a year that led to better things and much needed growth.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Year In Review 2008...Part One
As we wrap up another year, I am taking some time to reflect on the happenings on both a macro and micro scale. There were historic events we all experienced together and there were some personal occurrences that shaped who I am individually. There was the good, the bad and the ugly. Hopefully, I can accurately review them here.
WINTER
I began 2008 with the genesis of this blog. I played around with the blog section of my myspace profile prior to 2008. After following my buddy's blogs a bit and following the encouragement and lead of my sister-in-law who also entered the blogosphere, I began this enjoyable experience of sharing what goes on in my head. While I used Comoprozac's Living in Misery and my sister-in-law's DailyLiving (now Nurturing Self) as models, I wanted to keep this true to myself and my personality. I enjoy variety so I have intended to keep my topics on this blog varied. It is focused and may seem to be all over the place, but I am very pleased with what I have done here. I have thoroughly enjoyed the conversations generated through this blog without having to bother people with mass email threads.
I began with numerous philosophical observations and views but it didn't take long for me to voice my opinion on my true passion: sports. January began with my beloved Ohio State Football Buckeyes losing another BCS Title Game to an SEC team in embarrassing fashion. Chants of "overrated" rang across the nation. But that's ok. We had a ton of returning seniors and a match up with USC in the beginning of the year to shut everybody up. Sigh.
Fresh off that depressing loss, I felt the realization of opportunity lost. My teams has just finished an exciting 2007 with no championships to show for it. The Buckeyes has two title appearances in the span of a calendar year for football. The men's cagers were in the championship. The women's basketball team had success, the men's soccer team was in the final four. The Columbus Destroyers were in the Arena Bowl. The Cleveland Indians were one game away from the World Series. Even the Cleveland Browns were a smoke and mirrors 10-6. The Cleveland Cavaliers were in the NBA Finals.
But no trophies or rings.
So I figured 2008 would mark the beginning of the descent. The Browns followed through on their part. So did the Destroyers and Indians. The Buckeyes were able to get the men's basketball team a NIT Title (which means 66th place) and the football team into another BCS game (the Fiesta Bowl surprise, surprise) but both are considered disappointing in Columbus. We have set higher standards. But the Cavaliers are ending 2008 with real evidence that their descent may only be a dip before the rise. We still have too much season ahead to make any claims of success and a band of Celtics in the way.
But my blog began with more than opinions on my sports interests. I spent much of the early posts reflecting on my stances and thoughts on my spirituality and different moral topics. I used this venue as an arena to work on myself and express my thoughts in an effort to initiate discussion and acquire varying points of view to shape and reshape my own. It has definitely been a success as I continue to develop my ideas of the metaphysical.
The winter months brought plenty of snow days which was a joy. I thought about how Exxon made record profits in the earlier year and how Snoop Dogg was suddenly appearing on Larry King to discuss topics so far removed from what made him famous. He would speak of pimpin', using and selling drugs and glorified the trashy treatment of women to sell millions of dollars worth of records. Now he is speaking to Larry King about fatherhood and politics and what not. Meanwhile, gas prices continued to skyrocket and lead these oil companies like Exxon to record profits. But that was just the beginning of the frustration we would feel in regards to the economy in this country.
SPRING
Spring brought The Master's, March Madness, Spring Training and Opening day, The NFL Draft, a big Cavs trade with a run at the playoffs, an NIT championship, and improvement in the weather. The Cavs made a monster trade ridding themselves of Drew Gooden, Larry Hughes et al to acquire Delonte (Delmonte Best) West, Wally Szczerbiak, (Big) Ben Wallace, and Joe (Hard Hat) Smith. The major component of this trade was the expiring contracts of the new guys along with the potential of West. Plus, it was nice to get rid of the inconsistency that Gooden and Laura Hughes brought to the table. After the season ended and I began to look towards the future, I was well aware that any number of those four would be gone sooner than later but I was curious how things would have been or could be if that group had a whole season to build chemistry and find their role on the team. More on this later.
I also took a trip to Chicago to visit my brother and sister-in-law and nephews. My brother and I headed downtown to the United Center to check out our Cleveland Cavaliers as they lost a game to the Chicago Bulls. Despite the loss, it was a good time. We took a couple shots outside before the game to win some prizes.
I was also able to get some one on two time with the nephews allowing the parents some time to go shopping for the boys. I may have father experience but not with twins. PHEW! God bless them! But it was very cool. I look forward to more chances in the future to hang out with the EZ brothers.
My wife and I settled into her pregnancy. And looked forward to ending another school year. The push for the OAT hit full speed and our students made their way through another standardized test that would ultimately determine our success as teachers. Once again, they failed miserably. My grade level managed to make gains yet again (every year since 2004), but not enough to make AYP or average yearly progress requirements set by the Bush administration within No Child Left Behind to rid ourselves of the "YOUR TEACHER SUCKS" label. So despite our efforts and stress, we both ended the 2007-2008 as bad teachers, failures of teachers.
Nice. I love this job.
Softball began and I thought I would share my progress with you all but quickly decided to pass on that as I stunk it up. I was never able to get it going in either league I played in. Unfortunately, my Westerville team had much of the same problem as a whole. Our bats were silent throughout most of the season. In Hilliard, we were much more competitive despite a move to a tougher league. We managed to stay .500 and snuck in the playoffs just to go out in the first round....again. But playing in two leagues was fun. I hope to do it again.
May brought the passing of my grandmother. She was ready to go. The time was right. She lived a long, fruitful life. While it was hard to say goodbye, I felt very good about my time with her. I looked back on my dad's trip to Europe with my brother and sister for his birthday two years earlier. During that time I spent a good bit of time with my grandmother. I would check in for my dad since he couldn't. I was able to take my daughter a couple times as well. This was a very valuable time for me because I knew it was my chance to "say goodbye" without the sadness of really watching her leave. At the time of her death, I drew on this experience to help me say goodbye. It still hurt, but I think I was able to avoid any feelings of disappointment or opportunity lost.
The day I heard of her death I was in the middle of negotiating my neighbors' acquisition of my garden bricks with tears pouring from my eyes. I quickly packed up my car and drove up to my dad's house to be with him for the initial grieving. Part of my trip was for him, but most of it was for me. I recalled my divorce when he came down and said he would be there to do whatever I wanted to feel better whether it was drink as much beer as I wanted and have him drive me home or just peak in on my daughter at school and take her trick or treating. We chose the trick or treating. I thought I would do the same for him this time.
So we made our way to the nearest local bar for some comfort food and foreign beers. We made it home long before last call but spent the night reliving our time with and memories of B, my grandmother. We looked at old pictures, we read her numerous works of literature and poetry. We sang, listened to music, laughed, cried and made our way across the whole spectrum of emotion. I think it was good for both of us.
The trip to Alabama was sad as we mourned the loss of B, but comforting as we were able to see the places of her early life and spend time with family we hadn't seen for a long time and sadly may never see again. We were able to get a true peak into her life before we came along. We also met people who had so much admiration for my grandmother. So many people showed up and paid their respects to this articulate, funny, energetic, kind, warm, intellectual and strong, independent woman at a time that was hard for women to be so. The trip was a bonding experience for me with my father, sister, brother, uncle Paul and Aunt Gina. It also gave some satisfaction towards that part of my life. I first thought to write closure, but that wouldn't be accurate. Alabama and my heritage will always be a part of me. I would like to keep Alabama safely in a place in my heart.
I will review more of 2008 in my next post.
WINTER
I began 2008 with the genesis of this blog. I played around with the blog section of my myspace profile prior to 2008. After following my buddy's blogs a bit and following the encouragement and lead of my sister-in-law who also entered the blogosphere, I began this enjoyable experience of sharing what goes on in my head. While I used Comoprozac's Living in Misery and my sister-in-law's DailyLiving (now Nurturing Self) as models, I wanted to keep this true to myself and my personality. I enjoy variety so I have intended to keep my topics on this blog varied. It is focused and may seem to be all over the place, but I am very pleased with what I have done here. I have thoroughly enjoyed the conversations generated through this blog without having to bother people with mass email threads.
I began with numerous philosophical observations and views but it didn't take long for me to voice my opinion on my true passion: sports. January began with my beloved Ohio State Football Buckeyes losing another BCS Title Game to an SEC team in embarrassing fashion. Chants of "overrated" rang across the nation. But that's ok. We had a ton of returning seniors and a match up with USC in the beginning of the year to shut everybody up. Sigh.
Fresh off that depressing loss, I felt the realization of opportunity lost. My teams has just finished an exciting 2007 with no championships to show for it. The Buckeyes has two title appearances in the span of a calendar year for football. The men's cagers were in the championship. The women's basketball team had success, the men's soccer team was in the final four. The Columbus Destroyers were in the Arena Bowl. The Cleveland Indians were one game away from the World Series. Even the Cleveland Browns were a smoke and mirrors 10-6. The Cleveland Cavaliers were in the NBA Finals.
But no trophies or rings.
So I figured 2008 would mark the beginning of the descent. The Browns followed through on their part. So did the Destroyers and Indians. The Buckeyes were able to get the men's basketball team a NIT Title (which means 66th place) and the football team into another BCS game (the Fiesta Bowl surprise, surprise) but both are considered disappointing in Columbus. We have set higher standards. But the Cavaliers are ending 2008 with real evidence that their descent may only be a dip before the rise. We still have too much season ahead to make any claims of success and a band of Celtics in the way.
But my blog began with more than opinions on my sports interests. I spent much of the early posts reflecting on my stances and thoughts on my spirituality and different moral topics. I used this venue as an arena to work on myself and express my thoughts in an effort to initiate discussion and acquire varying points of view to shape and reshape my own. It has definitely been a success as I continue to develop my ideas of the metaphysical.
The winter months brought plenty of snow days which was a joy. I thought about how Exxon made record profits in the earlier year and how Snoop Dogg was suddenly appearing on Larry King to discuss topics so far removed from what made him famous. He would speak of pimpin', using and selling drugs and glorified the trashy treatment of women to sell millions of dollars worth of records. Now he is speaking to Larry King about fatherhood and politics and what not. Meanwhile, gas prices continued to skyrocket and lead these oil companies like Exxon to record profits. But that was just the beginning of the frustration we would feel in regards to the economy in this country.
SPRING
Spring brought The Master's, March Madness, Spring Training and Opening day, The NFL Draft, a big Cavs trade with a run at the playoffs, an NIT championship, and improvement in the weather. The Cavs made a monster trade ridding themselves of Drew Gooden, Larry Hughes et al to acquire Delonte (Delmonte Best) West, Wally Szczerbiak, (Big) Ben Wallace, and Joe (Hard Hat) Smith. The major component of this trade was the expiring contracts of the new guys along with the potential of West. Plus, it was nice to get rid of the inconsistency that Gooden and Laura Hughes brought to the table. After the season ended and I began to look towards the future, I was well aware that any number of those four would be gone sooner than later but I was curious how things would have been or could be if that group had a whole season to build chemistry and find their role on the team. More on this later.
I also took a trip to Chicago to visit my brother and sister-in-law and nephews. My brother and I headed downtown to the United Center to check out our Cleveland Cavaliers as they lost a game to the Chicago Bulls. Despite the loss, it was a good time. We took a couple shots outside before the game to win some prizes.
I was also able to get some one on two time with the nephews allowing the parents some time to go shopping for the boys. I may have father experience but not with twins. PHEW! God bless them! But it was very cool. I look forward to more chances in the future to hang out with the EZ brothers.
My wife and I settled into her pregnancy. And looked forward to ending another school year. The push for the OAT hit full speed and our students made their way through another standardized test that would ultimately determine our success as teachers. Once again, they failed miserably. My grade level managed to make gains yet again (every year since 2004), but not enough to make AYP or average yearly progress requirements set by the Bush administration within No Child Left Behind to rid ourselves of the "YOUR TEACHER SUCKS" label. So despite our efforts and stress, we both ended the 2007-2008 as bad teachers, failures of teachers.
Nice. I love this job.
Softball began and I thought I would share my progress with you all but quickly decided to pass on that as I stunk it up. I was never able to get it going in either league I played in. Unfortunately, my Westerville team had much of the same problem as a whole. Our bats were silent throughout most of the season. In Hilliard, we were much more competitive despite a move to a tougher league. We managed to stay .500 and snuck in the playoffs just to go out in the first round....again. But playing in two leagues was fun. I hope to do it again.
May brought the passing of my grandmother. She was ready to go. The time was right. She lived a long, fruitful life. While it was hard to say goodbye, I felt very good about my time with her. I looked back on my dad's trip to Europe with my brother and sister for his birthday two years earlier. During that time I spent a good bit of time with my grandmother. I would check in for my dad since he couldn't. I was able to take my daughter a couple times as well. This was a very valuable time for me because I knew it was my chance to "say goodbye" without the sadness of really watching her leave. At the time of her death, I drew on this experience to help me say goodbye. It still hurt, but I think I was able to avoid any feelings of disappointment or opportunity lost.
The day I heard of her death I was in the middle of negotiating my neighbors' acquisition of my garden bricks with tears pouring from my eyes. I quickly packed up my car and drove up to my dad's house to be with him for the initial grieving. Part of my trip was for him, but most of it was for me. I recalled my divorce when he came down and said he would be there to do whatever I wanted to feel better whether it was drink as much beer as I wanted and have him drive me home or just peak in on my daughter at school and take her trick or treating. We chose the trick or treating. I thought I would do the same for him this time.
So we made our way to the nearest local bar for some comfort food and foreign beers. We made it home long before last call but spent the night reliving our time with and memories of B, my grandmother. We looked at old pictures, we read her numerous works of literature and poetry. We sang, listened to music, laughed, cried and made our way across the whole spectrum of emotion. I think it was good for both of us.
The trip to Alabama was sad as we mourned the loss of B, but comforting as we were able to see the places of her early life and spend time with family we hadn't seen for a long time and sadly may never see again. We were able to get a true peak into her life before we came along. We also met people who had so much admiration for my grandmother. So many people showed up and paid their respects to this articulate, funny, energetic, kind, warm, intellectual and strong, independent woman at a time that was hard for women to be so. The trip was a bonding experience for me with my father, sister, brother, uncle Paul and Aunt Gina. It also gave some satisfaction towards that part of my life. I first thought to write closure, but that wouldn't be accurate. Alabama and my heritage will always be a part of me. I would like to keep Alabama safely in a place in my heart.
I will review more of 2008 in my next post.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Questioning and Fear
While I continue to grieve I find myself asking myself numerous questions. But I also find myself succumbing to a state of paranoia. I wonder if Fear is another stage of grieving or if it is just a natural thing for me personally and this experience is bringing it out.
Obviously, I am questioning the after life and the idea of the soul. These are topics I have been questioning already with an intention to be objective and not swayed by what I want to believe or allowing emotion to fog my thinking. This time I am affected by emotion.
I am also trying to find meaning in this experience. I question whether there really is meaning in things. Do coincidences happen for a reason? Is there a "higher power" dictating things? I still do not think so. I want to believe in a God. I believe there is a force that one can call God that connects us all. But I don't think this force is a puppeteer. I don't think it directly guides us or makes things happen. I think we guide ourselves. I think we determine whether coincidences have meaning or not. I think we determine whether something is a message or not. I think we are all connected in an eternally intricate 3-D maybe 4-D web with all living things. Everything we do affects everything else and ourselves. Everything everyone else does affects us in some way big or small. There is no beginning or end to this massive, complicated web. So naturally, as countless things happen to us all the time and may seem connected to other things, they are since they are part of the same web. We can attribute these things to other things happening or not. We can decide to use these things as "messages" or guides.....or not.
But the Fear. The fear is what scares me. Oh really you say, fear makes you afraid? You are bonafide genius! The irrational fear I am feeling is not right. I already would worry about ridiculous stuff after my daughter's episodes. Now this experience is only reinforcing this behavior or thinking. I question if this is natural or if this is unique. What should I do to ease the fear? How do I address it and move on from it in a healthy manner?
Obviously, I am questioning the after life and the idea of the soul. These are topics I have been questioning already with an intention to be objective and not swayed by what I want to believe or allowing emotion to fog my thinking. This time I am affected by emotion.
I am also trying to find meaning in this experience. I question whether there really is meaning in things. Do coincidences happen for a reason? Is there a "higher power" dictating things? I still do not think so. I want to believe in a God. I believe there is a force that one can call God that connects us all. But I don't think this force is a puppeteer. I don't think it directly guides us or makes things happen. I think we guide ourselves. I think we determine whether coincidences have meaning or not. I think we determine whether something is a message or not. I think we are all connected in an eternally intricate 3-D maybe 4-D web with all living things. Everything we do affects everything else and ourselves. Everything everyone else does affects us in some way big or small. There is no beginning or end to this massive, complicated web. So naturally, as countless things happen to us all the time and may seem connected to other things, they are since they are part of the same web. We can attribute these things to other things happening or not. We can decide to use these things as "messages" or guides.....or not.
But the Fear. The fear is what scares me. Oh really you say, fear makes you afraid? You are bonafide genius! The irrational fear I am feeling is not right. I already would worry about ridiculous stuff after my daughter's episodes. Now this experience is only reinforcing this behavior or thinking. I question if this is natural or if this is unique. What should I do to ease the fear? How do I address it and move on from it in a healthy manner?
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Grieving
I remember learning long ago in my psych 101 courses in college and books I read later that when one encounters a traumatic life event they need to go through a process of 5 steps to properly handle it. These steps begin with Shock/Denial and proceed to Anger, Questioning, Sadness or Depression and finally Acceptance. I also remember Bargaining as a step but the basic premise remains with or without it.
Many people don't allow themselves to process through all the steps or to experience some of them fully. Others may get too caught up in a particular step and become obsessed or fixiated. When this happens the harmful effects can last awhile and intrude other parts and people in their lives.
It is good to experience all of them even anger and sadness. I recall stating this at my grandmother's funeral as I spoke during the ceremony. I said the experience was good. I meant that. I meant that the experience we all were sharing was a good one. We were crying, sharing memories and positive attributes about B and creating an energy together progressing through the 5 steps. I vividly recall the feelings of acceptance I had as we left the next day.
While we generally progress through these steps in order, many times we regress back to a prior step before progressing to the next. Sometimes we may fall back several steps just to skip ahead several and vice versa. I find it comforting that regressing in the steps doesn't necessarily mean you are not working your way through the pain properly. I can easily relate to getting angry over things I thought I was accepting or questioning my way through.
The questioning stage can be a very spiritual period of grief. As you ask yourself "why me?" and "how can God let this happen?" you need to avoid the self blame but you find yourself thinking about the after-life, pain and suffering to a point that hopefully progresses you to a place you are trying to get to or strengthening a place where you already are. But once again, getting fixiated on this step may cause more damage than healing.
To those who read this, try to remember during times of hardship that is it ok to feel these five stages. In fact, it is recommended to "do your time" in each stage to help you heal appropriately. Life goes on and so should you.
Time for me to practice what I preach.......
Many people don't allow themselves to process through all the steps or to experience some of them fully. Others may get too caught up in a particular step and become obsessed or fixiated. When this happens the harmful effects can last awhile and intrude other parts and people in their lives.
It is good to experience all of them even anger and sadness. I recall stating this at my grandmother's funeral as I spoke during the ceremony. I said the experience was good. I meant that. I meant that the experience we all were sharing was a good one. We were crying, sharing memories and positive attributes about B and creating an energy together progressing through the 5 steps. I vividly recall the feelings of acceptance I had as we left the next day.
While we generally progress through these steps in order, many times we regress back to a prior step before progressing to the next. Sometimes we may fall back several steps just to skip ahead several and vice versa. I find it comforting that regressing in the steps doesn't necessarily mean you are not working your way through the pain properly. I can easily relate to getting angry over things I thought I was accepting or questioning my way through.
The questioning stage can be a very spiritual period of grief. As you ask yourself "why me?" and "how can God let this happen?" you need to avoid the self blame but you find yourself thinking about the after-life, pain and suffering to a point that hopefully progresses you to a place you are trying to get to or strengthening a place where you already are. But once again, getting fixiated on this step may cause more damage than healing.
To those who read this, try to remember during times of hardship that is it ok to feel these five stages. In fact, it is recommended to "do your time" in each stage to help you heal appropriately. Life goes on and so should you.
Time for me to practice what I preach.......
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