Poser Christians and Radical Christians

I apologize ahead of time if I offend anyone with this post.

I cannot sit here and act like I am some sort of knowledgeable expert with Christianity. But I have been raised Christian and still consider myself Christian by default as I openly explore my personal spirituality. With 9 years of Catholic school and over 18 years of regularly attending church (often more than once a week), I feel like I have a legitimate amount experience to justify my opinion.

Many times I have openly questioned the Bible and Christianity. In my mind, I have felt like this has been part of my self-examination and personal exploration more than an attack on Christianity itself.

Where most of my frustration stems from is not so much the belief system, but many of the people that take part. There are two groups that annoy me the most. I call them Posers and Radical Bible Thumpers.

The Posers are like those fans that claim to be "die hard" or "true" when the team is winning and everybody loves them but are no where to be found when this team they claim to be fans of is losing or unpopular. They love to deck themselves out in the team's gear when everybody else is and they sport the jerseys of the most popular player like Grady Sizemore or LeBron James, but when the team stinks, all you hear is little dig after dig about how the team stinks, even if the team is just mediocre.

Some call them fair weather fans or bandwagon fans. I just call them annoying.

When this behavior is connected to the Church, I get just as annoyed. The Poser Christians love to loudly exclaim what they want to believe and throw the Bible out as their justification. They wear their Christianity on their sleeve and quickly slam people who critique it. Anyone who isn't Christian is wrong in their mind. They feel like everyone who questions the Church is hating the church.

But as they look down upon the rest of us, they never read the Bible themselves. They do not attend church. They definitely do not examine their beliefs and reflect on why they believe what they believe, which sometimes means challenging the traditional beliefs. They blindly follow what others tell them. Many times they refer to the Old Testament to support their outdated views while ignoring New Testament writings from Jesus (an important component of Christianity) that contradict the Old Testament.

The Radical Bible Thumpers do attend church regularly. They do read scriptures. They are devoted to their Christianity. So devoted that they go to the extreme. They may examine their beliefs but not in a critical manner. They take what they read and hear literally and are often, in my mind, misled. They are very rigid in their beliefs and refuse to see any other point of view or perspective, especially ones that counter what they want to believe. Like the posers they throw the Bible out as their shield.

Like radical Muslims, they are harmful. Their harm is more like the mental, emotional harm of a cult than the physical, violent harm of the stereotypical terrorism we are used to seeing and hearing about on television regarding the radical Muslims.

If you haven't read between the lines, I put a good bit of value on self-examination and reflection. I believe most Christians incorporate this practice in their worship. Prayer involves reflection and self-examination. It is an important component of Christianity. But many times prayer and reflection seem to be separated. These two groups lose sight of the importance of this intimate practice that truly connects you with God.

I do not believe practicing your religion is about following some rigid dogma as much as your relationship with your higher power. Questioning what your are told is part of this relationship. I believe it is an important and critical part of practicing your religion. By questioning and critiquing what is passed to you, you become part of this belief and you develop your own point of view. One that brings you closer to your higher power.

Whatever God you choose to believe in is much greater than anything we can fathom in our human experience. I highly doubt God concerns itself with whether you are following the rules set forth by the Pope or other religious leaders. It is more meaningful and practical for us to transcend this and use the different religions out there to seek the greater good.

Peter Rollins touches on this point of a God greater than our understanding in his book about the emerging Christianity entitled, "How (Not) To Speak of God:"

"If we fail to recognize that the term 'God' always falls short of that towards which the word is suppoed to point, we will end up bowing down before our own conceptual creations forged from the raw materials of our self-image, rather than bowing before the one who stands over and above that creation...'God rid me of God,' a prayer that acknowledges how the God we are in relationship with is bigger, better and different than our understanding of that God." (Rollins, "How (Not) to Speak of God" pg.19)

Fortunately, most Christians I know do this. It's the other two groups that Ia m skeptical about.

Mourning Mallory

It feels like my life has come to a point of closure. Recently, my wife and I experienced a difficult period that I have documented often in this blog. We lost a baby late in the pregnancy to triploidy. It is a freak chromosomal disorder that has always been fatal for the fetus.

We both have worked hard to grieve appropriately and deal with the emotional roller coaster that accompanies a loss such as this. Fortunately, this experience doesn't have any lasting physical problems so we have been able to continue our lives as planned.

We now approach the one year anniversary of the event. At this year mark we have a beautiful baby girl. We are celebrating this joyous experience with sleep deprivation and plenty of diaper changes and feedings. These events present their own challenges believe it or not, but each one is graciously welcomed.

So now I reflect on the past year with all that has happened and wonder to myself if I should put the loss to rest. But I don't want to let this go. I fear that moving on would distant myself from the memory of Mallory even though there was never really a physical memory. I recall the weeks following the loss and how determined I was to make sure we didn't sweep it under the rug. My gut was telling me that I needed to make a big deal about the loss.

I still question if that is appropriate. Plenty of couples lose babies. One thing I learned from the experience was that the number of babies that are lost is surprisingly high. A number of women lose numerous babies before they finally have a successful birth. I lost count of the women in our lives that came out of the woodwork and told us their own stories of lost babies.

They remained silent about these losses. If this is the case and many of them don't mourn their losses, does this mean I am blowing this out of proportion? Is my effort to remain so open about my experience a cry for attention? Am I making a big deal over nothing? Am I too sensitive? Is this something I should let go?

I'll be the first to admit I crave attention. Isn't this blog really an example of me crying out, "Look at me! Listen to me! Watch me!" I think everybody enjoys positive attention at some level whether or not they'll admit it openly or even to ourselves.

So is this a function of that craving?

I do know that in my private moments, I have been emotional over the loss. I really did carry the burden for awhile and throughout the successful pregnancy, I would revisit the memory of the loss in a fearful or saddened way. I didn't always publicize those moments. I would share them with my wife, but she was my partner in this experience.

My wife refers to our daughter as our "miracle baby" because of the loss. She feels it is time to put the loss behind us and has said it is OK to let go of the mourning.

I, on the other hand, still feel that ending the mourning would be one more step to forgetting Mallory. It is all I have of her. My brother and his wife are so generous and caring. They gave my wife and me two gifts. One for the new baby and one to remember Mallory. It meant the world to me. I felt like it gives me a tangible memory of Mallory and I could begin to let go without erasing her. But here I am still wanting to hold on to the sadness. I'm still afraid that letting go would erase Mallory.

Another thought I had was to tattoo her name somewhere hidden on myself. I would then have a tangible way to keep her with me forever. But this would make a hypocrite out of me since I have major issues with the trendy tattoo thing that has risen over the last decade or so. Also, if I did this, I feel I would need to add my two living children and then I would be approaching NBA player level. Wait. No, until I have body ink crawling up my neck and down my arms, I'll be OK.

Maybe my newborn is my closure. She may represent what Mallory would be. Maybe she represents what Mallory is. But I do not want to put that on her. I don't want my youngest daughter to live her life carrying the memory of someone else. I want her to be her own unique person to me. I recall a good friend of mine whose twin was lost at birth. We have discussed this subject manner in the past and his opinion would be worth hearing. I am curious if he feels like he was carrying the memory of his brother throughout his life and if that was a positive or negative thing.

This is a joyous time in my life. I have had numerous setbacks over the past several years and it feels like I am beginning to climb my way back to the surface. This is a time I should be celebrating all the joy, not dragging out the pain. I just can't leave this behind me.

Life is not about the destination but the journey right?

So cliche!

Reflections On God And Control

I had a thought about the origin of God cross my mind the other day. I texted this thought to a number of people and received a number of interesting reflections.

My thought was that God is just a manifestation of humans' need for control. By control I mean the ability to influence events to achieve a preferred outcome as well as the ability to know the unknown.

Lack of control is a scary thing. There are a number of things that are out of our control including our mortality and the behavior of other people. This lack of control also involves the unknown. When something is unknown to you, in essence you don't have control of it.

The human experience has a vast number of things we cannot control or do not know. As we have evolved, we have learned a good bit and some of the unknown has become known like the microbiology and astronomy and so on. But we still can't control our mortality. As hard as we try to control other people, and in some cases, are able to get people to behave in a preferred manner, in the end it is their brain that dictates what they do.

So we create this deity called God.

This God is represents this control. Through the existence of God, we can feel like we have some sort of control over our mortality. We can do good while alive and enter a place called heaven. Death becomes much less scary inevitable.

Many times I will hear people talk about their lack of control. They will say that they can't control other people or the outcome of certain things. So they will give it to the universe. Or they will try to let it go and avoid wasting time worrying about it. Finally, many say they will turn it over to God. Because, as I said, God can control it and will take care of it.

We can also use God and the idea of heaven and its counterpart, hell, to influence others' actions. Those people out there that may do harmful things to us or the ones we love can be swayed otherwise by the deterrent that if they do, they will suffer eternal damnation. It helps our grieving and pain to feel like someone who does us wrong will pay the consequences for it.

The concept of God goes much, much deeper than this. The various religions have created these intricate frameworks from which to experience God and these frameworks explain away countless other detailed "unknowns" that exist beyond death and ethics.

My text message never got this in depth. But four people who responded did. There were a number of interesting points they made.

The first point from my mom was that God represented a parent-like figure for her. Obviously, not everybody has had the same experience with their parental figures. So what this means for one may mean something different for another. Traditionally speaking though, parents are though of as warm, loving caregivers who offer guidance.

This is a warm, fuzzy way to look at God. But at the same time, it doesn't disprove my points. Of course, I don't think my mom was trying to disprove it in the first place.

God as a parent actually fits my point exactly. As a young child, your parent(s) perfectly represent this idea of offering control and answers to the unknown. You enter the world knowing little more than how to poop, pee, breathe and swallow. You have zero control. You quickly learn you can cry to get fed or cleaned. But this whole time, its the parents that are getting the food to you. So you look to them to provide this control.

As you grow and become more and more independent, you rely on your parents less and less. But throughout your childhood, it is your parents that have this control you are unable to have and provide that safety and security that God does for us as humans in general.

Another point my friend and I got into was the irony that this creation of God makes us more powerful than God who is supposed to be more powerful than us. The point of its creation was to have the power to control something we are powerless to control. From a Christian standpoint, the idea that we are equal to or more powerful than God is blasphemous. It is also contradicting in a way.

This led to some thoughts on faith and how faith is critical to the numerous religions that exist. Without faith, there is little reason to follow a particular religion or any way of thinking for that matter. It is crucial to blindly believe or have faith that there is a all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God out there that is above all of this and able to exist and "control" everything in a manner that is in our best interests.

The thoughts on faith were echoed by another friend who referenced a book he was reading that was related to this subject. Our texts reminded me of observations I have made that many times when I notice people who are blindly following the Bible and proclaiming their faith in it, they are usually of a lower education. At the same time, when I notice people who are atheist or agnostic (assuming I use that term correctly), they are of a higher education.

Obviously, these observations are generalizations. I am NOT trying to say educated people are atheist or atheists are automatically highly educated. Nor am I trying to say that if you have faith, you are not highly educated. I can provide numerous examples of extremely intelligent people who have faith in God. But this observation still exists.

The Bible has been used for centuries to prey on the unknowns of people. It has been a tool of control as it supposedly has offered answers to these unknowns and control for the uncontrollable. It has been used to control human behavior as well. But faith is a requirement. Without it, the church doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Before I begin to follow a tangent taking me away from the point of this post, I'll end it with this:

I enjoy this kind of analyzing. This is not some kind of attack on religion or God. I am continuing to seek out my place in all of this. Reflections like this make me think. While I plan to continue thinking like this, I really do want to find some framework to stick to. But I want it to genuinely from my heart and not just my brain. Christianity is not the answer for me, but it is NOT because I think it is wrong, evil or negative. Any negative overtones I present are usually directed to the people who transmit it or practice it in a way I disagree with not the theology itself.

Don't Worry, I Won't Pray For You

Isn't it interesting that when someone a person cares about has trouble, they often say, "I will pray for you?" Churches have moments to pray for people they care about or problems for which they seek help.

There are a variety of ways to pray or meditate. Many people pray or meditate for different reasons including the expectation of particular outcomes or no outcomes at all. I recall countless moments of bowing in front of the television begging God to carry my team to victory.

Does this prayer work?

I recently read about a study in "What Don't You Know" by Micheal LaBossiere. The book isn't about prayer or meditation. It is a book of philosophical provocations ranging from metaphysics and epistemology to ethics and social thought as well as politics. But it devotes a small section to the efficacy of prayer.

It cited two studies that had similar results. The first, Study of the Therapeutic Effects of Intercessory Prayer (STEM), was conducted with scientific rigour in an effort to find out if prayer had any medical effects. (LaBossiere pg 33-34)

This study followed 1,802 cardiac bypass surgery patients. There were three groups. Between the first two groups, one was prayed for and the other was not. The doctors and the patients had no idea which group was prayed for and which one was not. The third group was prayed for AND told they were being prayed for. Catholic and Protestant groups did the praying.

The results revealed that there was no difference between the first two groups who had one receiving prayers and the other not receiving prayers. Adding to the intrigue was that the third group who were prayed for and knew it, actually suffered from more complications.

Ironically, this study was funded by an organization that promotes religious beliefs which means they were most likely contradicting their objective.

A second study, MANTRA II, showed the same results.

There are a number of conclusions one can draw from this. One would be that the stress of thinking you need to be prayed for, which was experienced by the third group, could have played a role in the complications they suffered. It has been shown that stress is unhealthy.

I mentioned this study to three trusted friends and family of mine who work in the church. As expected, they gave in depth reflection on the study and all seemed unswayed by it.

For them, prayer already transcended requests to God. Prayer was more of an experience to bring them closer to God. They don't seem to look to God to solve their problems or fix their mess.

So why say "I will pray for you" then?

Interestingly, I have heard a number of times from priests and ministers that we need to turn our problems over to God. We should go to God for help.

Maybe there is some reassurance or comfort in that phrase or thought. Of course, the third group may have had added stress as a result. So that would contradict that theory.

I recall what I have read about meditation through my exploration of Buddhism and how similar the art of meditation is to prayer. Also, the reading I have done seems to describe meditating less as a route to achieve a need or particular outcome, but a way to center one's self and find peace.

This inner peace relates to the thoughts of my three trusted experts. They all seemed to feel prayer was a way to find inner peace with God.

So next time you are in trouble, I won't pray for you to get better. I will pray or meditate in hope to find inner peace and hope that you do too. Hopefully, you can transcend your trouble and find inner peace.

St. Thomas Aquinas Cleveland, Ohio

I remember a story my dad told me about a guy he knew in the army. If I recall the story correctly, this fellow soldier voluntarily went to Vietnam during the war and my father asked him why he would request to go there. He responded by telling my dad he looked at life like a pie and he wanted to eat as much of it as he could. To him, Vietnam was another piece of that pie.

This was a story I always liked and tried to apply to the "variety is the spice of life" mantra. I look through my life thus far and notice that a number of people I know have lived this way. My wife spent time in Los Angeles. She worked in a variety of different career fields such as business, mentally challenged adults and now special education at the middle school level. My brother and sister-in-law lived in Sweden and spent time in Tanzania and India. They spent a night in a hotel made of ice. They traveled all over Europe.

Meanwhile, I haven't traveled anywhere. I have lived in Ohio my whole life. I haven't skydived. I haven't bungee jumped. I haven't spent the night in a haunted house. I missed out on seeing Yankee Stadium. I haven't done a number of things I wanted and still want to do.

But I think I still have enjoyed a kind of variety that others may not have experienced. While my time has been in Ohio, I have managed to immerse myself as the minority in a number of different contexts with several different cultures or ways of life despite location. I have blogged about some of these experiences already. This time I feel like focusing on my experience at a church called St. Thomas Aquinas which was located in east Cleveland near Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. Coincidentally, I ended up getting married very near to this church.

How many white teenagers born and raised in an affluent suburb get to be a legitimate, participating member of church where the congregation shouts "Amen!" during the sermon? Just like you see on TV but for real. How many would witness their fellow members wave their hands in the air and vocally agree with the minister? A Franciscan monk in this particular case. Would they be a part of the sign of peace that is a social happy hour where every person in the room walks to every other person and passes peace in a sincere, purposeful manner?

I really don't think many do.

In addition, how many would dare travel into this same scary, keep-you-doors-locked neighborhoods on a weekly basis to play basketball? I mean the real street ball version. The loud, trash talking, dunking version where everybody hogs the ball and refuses to play any sort of team basketball. The kind that would make any fan of Hoosiers cringe. We watch this style on the "And 1 Mixed Tape" tour on ESPN, but I was actually there experiencing it weekly. There was one week I skipped since the Rodney King riots were taking place. After seeing the clip of the truck driver getting pulled out and beaten on TV, both my dad and I thought it may be in our best interest to avoid experiencing that possibility live.

Long before nicknames like "Silent Storm" crossed the lips of coworkers at Linden, I was garnering names like Bird and Paxson because: A) I was white like them B) I could shoot better than any of those guys who only drove for layups or dunks and called fouls every time they missed (which was alot). This is where I developed my tendency to shoot the ball alot. Nobody passed it to me--or anyone else for that matter-- so when I finally got my hands on it, I shot it. It took awhile to gain any kind of respect there and even after a couple strong games I still had a lukewarm reputation.

Many times I was laughed at. I could feel the weird looks too. Many of them never understood me. There was this forced interaction at first. It eventually warmed and I got to know the regulars, but there was always this distance. These weren't members of the church who were very warm and inviting. These were the kids coming off the streets near the church to stay out of trouble. In another coincidence, like my wedding many years later, I returned to teach middle school in this area. Buckeye fans would recognize the high school my students (and these kids) would go to as the home of Ted Ginn Jr. and Troy Smith, Glenville.

Regardless, each week I showed up. I shot my way onto a team and played the "every man for himself" style of basketball. I enjoyed the punch and cake or pretzels or whatever refreshments were there. I got into some interesting conversations with Fr. Tom who oversaw the whole thing. I even tried to talk to some of the girls there. Now THAT was a sight to see.

My point here is that this experience shaped much of who I am today. The silent urge to jack up shots any time I am open when I play basketball. My silence when I play with strangers. Also my interest in different religious topics and theology. My belief that religion/spirituality should be an experience not a ritual.

Finally, my last point is that I have been in a position of a minority. Although, I do understand I will never truly know what it is like to live as a minority every minute of every day, in the end, I still could go home to my safe, comfortable house and live easily. Regardless, I have put myself in that position and seen a glimpse. I even felt that uncomfortable feeling of being the only one like me around and watching other people react awkwardly as a result. I take pride in this.

I think that is a slice.

Birthday Post Hal Lebovitz Style

Hal Lebovitz was a sports writer for the News Herald, the local newspaper in the county where I grew up. By the time I began reading him religiously he had been around for decades and wrote for other papers (Cleveland News and Cleveland Plain Dealer) prior to my hometown Herald. But each weekend he had a column where he touched on a number of different topics regarding the Cleveland teams or other worthwhile, interesting tidbits about the sports world at that time. This was a part of my Sundays that I cherished. We would get home from church and I made a mad dash to the Sunday News Herald to see what Hal had to say. My earlier intentions to be a sportswriter for a career stemmed from this experience.

So today I am using his Sunday format to cover a number of topics I have wanted to touch in this blog but haven't had the time to address. I have some serious catching up to do. My birthday present to myself is this post with the Georgia v. Georgia Tech game on to my right and my ipod blasting a variety of favorite tunes to my left.

Here we go....I hope you enjoy and comment on one or more:

My Dark Period
I have been pretty open about my recent downturn in mood and feeling. Mostly it has been despair, sadness and worry. But underneath these emotions there is a lot of anger brewing. I can feel it come out over little things. I explode over things I should brush off. I get easily frustrated and aggravated. I have been examining the reasons why. I am trying to connect the dots and get to the core issue I must be dealing with so I can fix it.

I keep coming back to one point. This point is that I do not stick up for myself. My wife even recognizes it and has mentioned it. She says that by not defending myself I am accepting things as true. I'll be the first to admit I have a problem with confrontation. I hate it. As a result I have taken a lot of emotional punishment without doing anything about it and then internalized it way too much. Then I feel worse about being too much of a coward to stand up and confront my confrontation fear. I think much of my anger may be coming from this.

In the past I have tried to stick up for myself when I felt like I was being pushed around but then I look like a fool because people say I can't take a joke. They say I'm taking things too seriously or I am too emotional or I am overreacting. So the cycle continues and I try to take things as a joke. But then I hear plenty of negative comments and feel horrible about myself.

I want to start calling people out when they say stupid things about me to me. But I don't want to turn into an angry person either. I have tried to practice this idea of "breaking the chain" and not letting someone else's anger towards me create a negative response from me. I wanted to stop passing forward the bad in the world. I wanted to absorb the bad and "be the better person" in an attempt to make the world better. Yes, I realize this is very righteous or pious or whatever but I tried anyway.

Now I see the damage it is doing to me as an individual and I think it is time to unleash the beast. I could go on listing the issues I have with people's wrongful treatment but I have too much more to write. Just get ready. I am working my way to a point where I am going to seem very mean.

Ohio state Football
Believe it or not there are people in Columbus who are blaming Jim Tressel for a disappointing 10-2 season. They blame the coaching for losing to USC and Penn State. I admit the Big Ten is down which means the Buckeyes really didn't have any signature wins this year but c'mon! 10-2 is 10-2. More importantly it is 10-2 after back to back appearances in the BCS Title game. Has anybody seen the mighty LSU's record this year? Granted they are in tougher conference but they didn't beat anybody of any significance. You can't blame it all on LSU's QB drama earlier in the year because their defense stunk it up all year. It is not easy to maintain the kind of success Ohio State has had over the Tressel era. In his 8 years he has won a national title, played for two others, made BCS bowl games 5(maybe 6 if Oregon st loses a game) times, been in a bowl game every year, beaten our rival 7 times, and won or shared the Big Ten title at least 4 times (off the top of my head). Weak conference or not teams are bound for a let down in that time. OSU really has never had a major let down and when there has been one, it lasts one season. During this same period I can only think of USC and Texas (maybe Florida) as teams that have had the same consistent success. Get off Tressel people. We are lucky to have him.

Raising My Kid
I watched the OSU v. Michigan game at the house of a friend of mine. She used to work with me so another colleague from work was there as well. The game was a blowout allowing our conversation to meander away from sports and it found its way to the Bible. My colleague mentioned Proverbs as a good "book" to use with my daughter. This came about because I mentioned how there are a number of values from the Bible that I plan to instill in my child despite my personal issue with it. To clarify this statement I should say that it really isn't the Bible itself that I have a problem with but the people who constantly use it to support their erroneous, hateful and immoral views. The interpretation is the problem more than the book. I would also cite the narrow point of view many people have who use the Bible as the end all, be all reference to morality and goodness.

With all of this said, I am not a Bible hater. I feel there is so much that can be taken from that book like loving thy neighbor as thyself, the ten commandments, turning the other cheek, the idea that power and greed are the root of evil, giving to the poor and needy in spirit as well as more worldly needs, the importance to fight temptation and reality of it, making sacrifices and prayer. These and many more principles are concepts I find very valuable. While my daughter gets fed many things from the Bible on her mother's side, I am not going to fight it. Instead I want to make sure I direct it. She will NOT grow up thinking slavery is justified or homosexuality is immoral even though the Bible "says so." She WILL be allowed to speak up in church or to her husband. She doesn't need to grow up thinking she has to be submissive to her partner because the Bible "said so." I could go on.

My goal is to teach her these positive values of the Bible and to help as best I can to get her to understand the Bible was written in a variety of contexts and these contexts affected what was written. It is much like politics in that the different books were written to particular audiences with particular goals in mind. These things need to be considered when reading the Bible. I also want her to feel free to explore other religions and their teachings. Many times these other ways of thinking can provide a clearer point of view for someone. There are also numerous parallels. I continue to explore Buddhism and find similarities. Meditation and prayer are both important components of Christianity and Buddhism as well as sacrifice. I want my kid to feel free to discover this for herself. If I have any say in the matter, she will not be pigeon holed in one discipline.

Being a Moderate
My wife and I had a fantastic conversation on the ride up to our families for the holiday celebrating thanks (and genocide through small pox and violence). She is a die hard liberal and is very proud of it. She wants her values and beliefs to fall on the left side of the ledger every time. She believes that is the correct way of thinking.

Most of the time I fall on her side of things. But not always. This is where the conversation got interesting. As we discussed different issues, she proved her dedication and loyalty to liberalism. I, on the other hand, demonstrated that I have no urge whatsoever to be placed in one particular category. I don't like being labeled liberal or conservative (contrary to a friend's belief that I support liberal issues only because it is "cool" and I want to be liberal because my college professors influenced me and my peers to be). I don't want to be put in a box like that. When I determine my stance on different topics, issues or whatever I like to examine them on their own merit and particular circumstances. I then try to base my stance on my own value system. Whether it is conservative or liberal doesn't matter to me. While I do admit I fall on the liberal side more often than not, I wouldn't call myself that at all. That is fine.

What is most interesting about this is that I try to take things on a case by case basis so I can make sure I am consistent in terms of my personal values as opposed to my political stance, but sometimes it creates contradictions. So in an effort to avoid contradictions I am actually creating contradictions within my views or opinions.

John Brown

I continue to read "Lies My Teacher Told Me: What American History Textbooks Got Wrong" by James Loewen. I recently finished a section about John Brown and his treatment or lack thereof in our textbooks. I find this man and his story fascinating. In high school textbooks he is described as this crazed, militant abolitionist. Loewen even shows two pictures of him (pg 177) with one normal portrait next to a wild, long haired, long bearded man with a crazed look in his eye. According to Loewen, he was a well spoken, well read, intelligent man who proved so in his words during his trial for treason as well as his letters to his family and in his diary. He was well aware of the contradiction our country was demonstrating through slavery. He also knew of the inner struggle we were dealing with in regards to it. He wrote just before his execution that the only way these "crimes" of slavery would be "purged" from our country would be "with blood." (pg 175) As we know, it took the bloody Civil War to finally put an end to slavery.

In 1854 the Kansas-Nebraska Act tried to deal with slavery by leaving the decision to those who settled there. Farmers from the North rushed in to establish it a "free soil" state while most Southern slave owners didn't make the move. But a number of slave owners from Missouri would cross the border to intimidate and terrorize the settlers in an effort to sway things towards slavery. (Loewen p. 173-174) Brown, an abolitionist with family in Kansas, countered by attacking and killing a number of these "terrorists." Later, Brown led a slave revolt in Harper's Ferry, Virginia where he would be caught by Robert E. Lee, eventually tried and hanged for treason.

What is interesting here is that history textbooks up to as late as the 1970s and some even later, painted Brown as the bad guy. They would even go as far as stating the slaves didn't want to revolt despite the evidence that Loewen presents to the contrary. This is a southern justification for slavery that I have noticed in other parts of the book. There seemed to be a consistent attempt to convince us that slaves actually did not mind being enslaved. While I don't specifically remember being taught this, the textbooks being used across the country during my years in school were openly presenting this idea of acceptance of slavery by the slaves themselves.

What the textbooks miss out on is bringing American History alive by presenting John Brown in a way that can demonstrate the very real inner struggle our country has been dealing with for centuries regarding slavery and racism. There were so many economic issues and states rights issues that played roles in the Civil War too but they were tied into the prevailing racism that took place and still takes place today. High school students could have some unbelievably interesting and enlightening discussions about race and slavery if we would look at people like John Brown and his ideas, beliefs and questionable actions to promote and support those thoughts. Abraham Lincoln was a great president who really did want to eradicate slavery from our country and knew it was a BIG cause of and factor in the Civil War, but he too struggled with his personal racism. On one hand he referred to African Americans as "niggers" but on the other he felt guilty and sick about seeing slaves shackled on a train he rode. Nobody wants to see the racial slurs Lincoln used or hear about Washington and Jefferson owning slaves, cheating on their wives or in Jefferson's case being an atheist. But I think we can present these "heroes" to our high school students in a way that demonstrates their flaws and shows how they accomplished a good bit despite their shortcomings and how these contradictions created interesting situations and discussion points. It doesn't need to be this pure, constant line of progress because it wasn't. Our history has had its ups and downs, progress and set backs, successes and failures and they all have affected how things are today.

LeBron James in 2010
Charles Barkley was on a radio show and called out James in regards to his open dialogue about possibly playing in New York in 2010. He said LeBron should not be so open about it. He plays for the Cavs and will for two more seasons and needs to quit talking about the Knicks or Nets. James responded by calling Barkley "stupid."

I am finding myself more and more anti-LeBron. It is hard to do. He is so, very good, plays for my team and seems like a good guy. But I will not be held hostage by him and I am getting tired of this game. No player should be bigger than the team. Even LeBron. I have been worried about this happeneing. This is one of the things I hated about Jordan. He became bigger than the Bulls. In fact the NBA as a whole fell out of graces with me as a result. Then the new generation of stars came about. Among them, James who seemed like a team first guy on the court. Combine that with being on my team and I was fine with James and his Jordanesque persona.

Now I am getting tired of it. At first, I wanted to write about how the national media needs to shut up about NYC and LeBron and buy a clue that Cleveland is also putting themselves in position to sign LeBron in 2010. They will be in the BEST position to re-sign him to be honest. But we don't hear that on ESPN. Also, we will have enough to get ANOTHER stud that is available that year. ESPN, FOX and other national media outlets won't tell you that.

Instead, I almost want James gone. I don't want to contribute to the "player bigger than the team" concept. Correct or incorrect, true or false....that is what's stupid Mr. James.

(This Georgia v. Ga Tech rivalry game has been pretty fun to watch....especially the second half.)

Questioning and Fear

While I continue to grieve I find myself asking myself numerous questions. But I also find myself succumbing to a state of paranoia. I wonder if Fear is another stage of grieving or if it is just a natural thing for me personally and this experience is bringing it out.

Obviously, I am questioning the after life and the idea of the soul. These are topics I have been questioning already with an intention to be objective and not swayed by what I want to believe or allowing emotion to fog my thinking. This time I am affected by emotion.

I am also trying to find meaning in this experience. I question whether there really is meaning in things. Do coincidences happen for a reason? Is there a "higher power" dictating things? I still do not think so. I want to believe in a God. I believe there is a force that one can call God that connects us all. But I don't think this force is a puppeteer. I don't think it directly guides us or makes things happen. I think we guide ourselves. I think we determine whether coincidences have meaning or not. I think we determine whether something is a message or not. I think we are all connected in an eternally intricate 3-D maybe 4-D web with all living things. Everything we do affects everything else and ourselves. Everything everyone else does affects us in some way big or small. There is no beginning or end to this massive, complicated web. So naturally, as countless things happen to us all the time and may seem connected to other things, they are since they are part of the same web. We can attribute these things to other things happening or not. We can decide to use these things as "messages" or guides.....or not.

But the Fear. The fear is what scares me. Oh really you say, fear makes you afraid? You are bonafide genius! The irrational fear I am feeling is not right. I already would worry about ridiculous stuff after my daughter's episodes. Now this experience is only reinforcing this behavior or thinking. I question if this is natural or if this is unique. What should I do to ease the fear? How do I address it and move on from it in a healthy manner?

Grieving

I remember learning long ago in my psych 101 courses in college and books I read later that when one encounters a traumatic life event they need to go through a process of 5 steps to properly handle it. These steps begin with Shock/Denial and proceed to Anger, Questioning, Sadness or Depression and finally Acceptance. I also remember Bargaining as a step but the basic premise remains with or without it.

Many people don't allow themselves to process through all the steps or to experience some of them fully. Others may get too caught up in a particular step and become obsessed or fixiated. When this happens the harmful effects can last awhile and intrude other parts and people in their lives.

It is good to experience all of them even anger and sadness. I recall stating this at my grandmother's funeral as I spoke during the ceremony. I said the experience was good. I meant that. I meant that the experience we all were sharing was a good one. We were crying, sharing memories and positive attributes about B and creating an energy together progressing through the 5 steps. I vividly recall the feelings of acceptance I had as we left the next day.

While we generally progress through these steps in order, many times we regress back to a prior step before progressing to the next. Sometimes we may fall back several steps just to skip ahead several and vice versa. I find it comforting that regressing in the steps doesn't necessarily mean you are not working your way through the pain properly. I can easily relate to getting angry over things I thought I was accepting or questioning my way through.

The questioning stage can be a very spiritual period of grief. As you ask yourself "why me?" and "how can God let this happen?" you need to avoid the self blame but you find yourself thinking about the after-life, pain and suffering to a point that hopefully progresses you to a place you are trying to get to or strengthening a place where you already are. But once again, getting fixiated on this step may cause more damage than healing.

To those who read this, try to remember during times of hardship that is it ok to feel these five stages. In fact, it is recommended to "do your time" in each stage to help you heal appropriately. Life goes on and so should you.

Time for me to practice what I preach.......

Why I Can't Be Buddhist

I still have so much to read regarding Buddhism. But I already know I would never be able to become Buddist myself. Let me try to simply and correctly explain why this is so.

The goal of Buddhism seems to be to reach enlightenment or nirvana. To do this one must eliminate all desires. According to Buddha who became enlightened himself, desire is the root of all suffering. At the core I am completely on board with this thinking. I do not question the validity of his preachings one bit. Where I have a problem is that I cannot give up things I desire. I just cannot.

I look at it this way. A person who has grown up and become very successful and rich is able to understand that the lifestyle they live is limiting. The happiness they feel is superficial and temporary always leading to the need or desire to get more, regain it after it wears out or look for a new pleasure. They realize that if they were to quit these things and simplify their life by giving away their money and unnecessary possessions and devoting themselves to other people instead of parties and shallow pleasures, they would be truly happy and satisfied. Unfortunately they cannot give up those pleasures. Those pleasures no matter how shallow or temporary they are make them happy. They are comfortable with the constant search or struggle with obtaining these pleasures.

That is where I am at. I don't want to give up my sports. I want to have that desire for new CDs. I have said in the past that I don't want to be rich because I could have everything I want and would lose that feeling of NOT having something and wanting it. I said I liked and wanted to continue to have that "want." I liked knowing there are still things out ther I can "get." This seems to be a fundamental contradiction to Buddhism.

I remember my former roommate Rob saying something to this degree once.

One more thing: Those of you reading this from a Christian background as myself may have noticed some parallels between the two theologies. The idea of devoted yourself to more "enlightened" things than superficial, "earthly" desires.

And I may be looking at Buddhism too generally as an outsider to Christianity would look at it too broadly. For instance, much of what I am stating may be meant more for those who choose to be more monastic...those who plan to be monks. Like priests in Catholicism. One could look at some of the "requirements" of priests and generalize them to the common Christian and say, "Hey, no. I'm not interested. That's too dedicated." But actually, if they knew more, they may feel differently and more willing. I, very well, may be at that state.

I definitely have more to read.

State of my Blog and other Tidbits

State of Blog
Well, I started this blog earlier in the year in an effort to write more and avoid annoying people with emails about topics I like to debate or talk about. I also was hoping friends and strangers would browse through and join in with their opinions and perspectives to help me shape mine.

I like what has come of this so much that I am bugging my wife with the time I spend on here and have recently tried to ween myself off a bit to respect her needs. But I am not quitting this blog. Nor does she want me to.

Anyway, I have been sticking to the sports theme a whole lot of late which is cool. That is a huge part of my life. It is what I enjoy the most. I'd be a farce if I came on here saying I want to write about what I think about and enjoy and avoided that subject completely. There is more to me though contrary to popular belief. I think I have shown that with some of the posts I have put on here. I plan to get back to more of that.

Spirituality
Right now, nothing is coming to me to write about and I don't want to force it. Plus, the book I am reading on Buddhism is awfully dry. Not much to really write about. I am enjoying the book as I learn more about this way of life. It still appeals to me greatly. But I haven't had much I can reflect on that others would want to chime in on. That may change as I make my way through the book. I plan to read the Book of Matthew in the Bible after this. My Dad recommended it. I plan to discuss it and the comparison to Buddhism with my Dad, you and those in the blogosphere in the near future.

Education
I am really burned out with my career so my education reflections may be on hold. Plus summer is fast approaching...my "healing" time.

More Fatherhood
I also wanted to add that I love having a daughter and wife. When I hear "My Girl" by the Temptations I have these two beautiful people to think about and appreciate. Can't use that song with a son. Maybe in less than 7 months I'll have a son to experience the same kind of thing with as he grows up. Probably a different song though.



NFL Draft
I am watching the pre-draft special on ESPN and just have to say I love Tom Jackson. I always have. I have fond memories of when he and Chris Berman and Pete Forgot-his-last-name-but-he-has-since-passed began NFL Primetime in the late 80's / early 90s. I loved watching for Browns' highlights. It was the highlight of the weekend, ending it with the memory of a great Cleveland Browns victory. Anyway, this guy is steady and knows his stuff. It is the one thing that keeps me coming back despite the mindless laughing they all keep doing nowadays. For some reason we have to have a comedy up there for the fringe fans. I just want my football with some spontaneous humor from time to time. And I don't need the panelist cracking up all the freaking time.

Oh yeah, and the Browns had a kick ass draft last year with their acclaimed top three picks and the little talked about pick of McDonald at the DB position which made Bodden expendable. And this may sound funny since they don't have any picks the first day, but this year's draft is a good one in my mind because they used the picks to get Brady Quinn last year as well as Corey Williams and Shaun Rogers (who the Bungles tried to get) on the DL where we NEEDED help. More to come on this for sure.


Music
A band I have recently fallen in love with is The Hollies. My brother and dad would play "Bus Stop" in our basement back in the day when we had friends over and it was always a fond memory of mine. They did a great job and it was a cool tune. Later, I was able to parlay their musical talents into a little ditty for my wife at our wedding reception. I rewrote some of the lyrics to fit how my wife and I met and put it to the music of "Bus Stop." My bro and dad played behind me as I sang to my wife who had never heard this version before. Everyone watched. Those of you who know me know I can't sing to save my life and it wasn't pretty. But it was so much fun and I enjoyed every second of it and felt the rush of performing in front of close to 100 people if not more. It was also cool to meet up with my dad and bro to practice leading up to the "show." I enjoyed the bonding.

With that said, in my search to find a copy of "Bus Stop" I realized The Hollies had a number of songs I recognized and enjoyed. In fact I enjoyed them a whole lot! And many of their songs are so different than the others. They have songs like "Bus Stop" and then a more classic rock style "Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress." Then the intimate "Air That I Breathe." The soft rock classic "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother." The bee bop pop style "Carrie Anne" or "Just One Look." And these are just the popular hits. There is so much more about these artists I want to find. Yum, good stuff.

Good Friday

Today Christians around the world celebrated Good Friday although "celebrated" may not be the correct word. Good Friday represents the crucification of Jesus Christ. Therefore, I am not so sure it is something one celebrates although the purpose was to free us from sin so I suppose that would be something worth celebrating.

I have blogged my feelings on Christianity and personal experience with it as I was raised Catholic. And I have been open with my questioning of this experience and how I am proceeding through my journey of spirituality.

I find myself thinking about the story of Jesus' resurrection each year about this time though. It is a story that I appreciate and respect. I take alot from it. I usually recall a movie I saw several decades ago as a child when we first got cable. My visions of what it all looked like come from that movie. I would like to share with you my thoughts regarding this beautiful and powerful story.

There are three things I take from the story. They are: faith, strength and fortitude, and leading by example. These are three lessons I have tried to apply to my life. At times I am more successful than others but I maintain the goal to live by these.

FAITH.....After Jesus was buried it is well known that he rose from his grave in three days. I believe it was Mary Magdeline (if not another of the woman apostles that are never recognized as apostles) who found the empty grave. She ran back to report to the others who traveled with Jesus and followed his teachings but only two believed her and ran back. I may be off on some details and apologize to Christians who may be particular about these things. But to be honest, since most of you pick and choose what details you are "on" or "off" with in the Bible, I can do the same. So I am not THAT sorry. My point is how difficult yet important it is to have faith in what you believe. Think of how difficult it was during those three days for that group of persecuted people who had their leader and inspiration killed waiting for this claim of resurrection to occur.

STRENGTH AND FORTITUDE....We all deal with our "crosses to bear" in life. And this story is exactly where that saying came from. I remember the scene of Jesus being convicted and receiving the crown of thorns followed by the long walk through the city streets carrying the cross as crowds of people taunted him. All as he knew he was walking to his painful death. Throughout this whole ordeal he stayed the course. He knew the importance of what he was doing. At the cross he was stabbed, spit on, nailed to wood and left to die a slow death. He showed unbelieveable strength and fortitude. How bad is what we go through in comparison to this? I understand he is God but this is still a lesson for us to learn. We need to maintain our focus and strength no matter how bad things are. I really have a hard, hard time with this in my life.

LEADING BY EXAMPLE.......Through these series of events and his life as a whole, Jesus gave us a model of how to handle ourselves. he was a perfect example of strength, class, intelligence, patience, goodness, love, care and much more. There is something behind those WWJD things as silly as they seem some times. As a teacher and a father and an adult, it is critical that I lead by example. I need to "be the better person." I need to rise above my human emotions and do the right thing. We all do. I have tried really, really hard to do this in my interaction with my daughter's mother (my baby's mama). There have been many times I have been extremely frustrated and bit my lip for what I thought was the greater good for my daughter and myself. But it is not easy.

I find myself taking shots a radical Bible thumpers. I am not comfortable limiting my spirituality to particular dogmas or theologies. I prefer finding my way to the truth without limitations or exclusion. But this doesn't mean I am anti-Bible or Christianity or any other particular belief system. There are plenty of beautiful stories and lessons that can be taken and I try to take them.

My Evolution of Spirituality

For the last 12-15 years of my life I have been on a journey to "find myself" spiritually. Recently I have found myself reflecting more than normal about things regarding my beliefs or lack thereof and the existence of God or an afterlife. Much of this has been blogged and the few that read them and probably are reading this one are aware of this.

I was browsing some books this weekend looking for some material to read to my students and stumbled upon a book my brother and others in my family read years ago called "The Celestine Prophecy" and I recalled how caught up in it they were. So I decided it was time for me to read it. I also found myself looking through a book on the religions in Ohio. It was dominated by Christian denominations but had section devoted to others. I chose to read the section on Buddhism since it has piqued my curiosity of late.

I think I will save my reflections on "Celestine" for another blog. Right now I want to discuss my experience with this chapter on Buddhism. Vicki and I both are intriqued by the theology of Buddhism and Hinduism. They both have aspects appealing to both of us from respect of nature and animals (vic) to the ideas of "the right" and karma (me). I kid about the karma in relation to sports but I'm very serious about its application to real life and I want to pursue this further.
Long ago, I independently began a journey in my head trying to figure out what it is I feel in my heart when it comes to the mysteries that religions strive to explain. I have struggled to strip myself of the religion I was "born into" NOT to discredit it or prove it wrong or anything negative, but to keep myself as objective as I could. I doubt I have done that entirely. My whole framework comes from a Christian background and I cannot deny that. I have a major bias. But I have tried.

Here are a couple things I am becoming more and more certain of at this time in my life. 1) God is not a white bearded man sitting on a throne in the clouds but a greater energy that underlies everything we do and experience. It is part of nature, animals, humans and interactions between us all. 2) Doing good regardless of the reward is worthy and right in and of itself. 3) The afterlife is not as black and white as heaven and hell or even purgatory but part of a spectrum with hell on one end and heaven on the other. Where your soul is at the end of your time on earth determines your place on that spectrum. 4) Coincidences, miracles, emotions, ghosts, intuitions, psychics and the power to heal are all legitimate realities that somehow relate to a higher power or energy.

I'm finding as I read bits and pieces of Buddhism that much of what they believe parallels these things. In addition there are 4 Noble Truths regarding suffering and how to advance yourself past suffering. This journey to enlightenment is what life is to me. Doing the right thing. Passivism. There is much to this theology I want to learn about.

I realize this is not even the tip of the iceberg of this belief system and if one where to look at Christianity from the outside in this way they would think it is such a great religion as well. All the while I could sit here and trash it up and down with its hypocricies and contradictions and downright WRONG interpretations. The same is probably true with Buddhism.

Today....this is where I stand in my journey. You?

Insignificance (Old blog reposted)

Have you ever had a time in your life where you felt like something horrible or absolutely awesome happened but later forgot about it or didn't think of it with the same intensity? Like making a high school sports team? Or dealing with an extremely embarassing moment you thought you'd never live down? Maybe an end to a relationship? There are all kinds of examples and I am willing to bet many of us have experienced this on some level more than once.

As Sharon Creech wrote in her book, "Walk Two Moons," (a book directed more towards middle school kids or younger but loved by me and read to my 4th graders at the end of every school year no matter what)...."In the course of a lifetime, what does it matter?" I started thinking about this and thought you could really get technical and step back REALLY far from, not only your life, but the lives of everyone on this planet and really think EVERYTHING that happens in this world means very little.

Couldn't you?

I mean even death and disease and genocide and murder and war and Mother Tereasa and Ghandi and Hitler and George Bush and marriage and love and sorrow and right or wrong of homosexuality or abortion or death penalty or gun control and you name it.

I thought once that there could be no heaven or hell because they are for eternity and the time we are on earth is such an infinitely small fraction of eternity that no matter how much bad or good you did, it couldn't justify eternity in either of those places. As bad as Hitler was and good as Mother Teresa was, does several decades deserve infinity in paradise or torcher? Really?

And can any of us common folk who flick people off or make someone feel bad or cheat someone out of some money really derserve hell? How about those of us who side more with goodness and help old ladies across the street, smile whenever we can, support people, give to the needy and all that? Do we really deserve eternal happiness for several decades of good deeds?

Really?

What do you think?