Conquering Fear

I have a problem with fear and anxiety.

How that differentiates me from every other human being is unknown. But I say that because I feel like I am consumed with worry and fear rather than living through the human experience.

Recently I was forced to face one of my worst fears.

Again.

Many things crossed my mind. I didn't want to overreact. I didn't want to act like a drama queen. I wanted to be remain strong for my wife instead of leaning on her to be strong for me. I tried to stay positive and avoid my natural pessimistic point of view.

I'm not sure I accomplished any of those. But I did come to a realization.

I made it to a point where I embraced the fear. I convinced myself that the worst would in fact happen.

Once I thought through the idea of reopening the old wound, I came to the realization that I made it through the last time. It was not easy. It was one of the worst experiences I have dealt with (as I documented thoroughly in this blog) in my life.

But I came out the other end. Life did go on. I am sitting here in good shape.

I also realized that the experience itself is actually easier than the anxiety leading up to the experience.

So whatever causes the fear is usually not as bad as the fear itself. Therefore, embracing the fear can diffuse it. Getting to the point where you admit the worst and realizing you can handle it, especially when you can draw upon past experiences, helps ease the worry and anxiety.

It is an empowering feeling to use things that have left such a negative feeling in your soul to help create a positive thing.

I hear people say they want to live life with no regrets. I challenge that statement to a point because I feel like I have made mistakes and have hurt people and I think I should regret that.

I generally don't want to hurt people.

But when it comes to things out of my control, in particular, when it comes to negative things that have happened to me, these thoughts lead me to believe that I shouldn't regret them.

Maybe things do happen for a reason. Not directed by a higher being necessarily, but as part of an intricate web of something. The reason may not be the intent of the "thing" that happened, but an effect of the "thing" that happened.

This whole reflection relates back to my belief that there is no heaven or hell and the idea that this is not necessarily a bad thing. The experience of nothing is nothing. No negative. No positive. The worst part of nothing is not the experience of nothing but the fear of it before you get there.

I hear the little voice in my head telling me to wrap it up. In the future, instead of being afraid, I need to realize that I will persevere. There is no reason to be so worried. It really will be OK and there is a way out the other end.

I have been there before so I know it.